"One Day"

I wish I had some pictures to post here. A beautiful thing happened. 

I don't know about you, but for years I have been moving with myself from house to house several boxes of  "Christmas stuff that I will use one day". Well.....it's one day! A couple weekends ago my sweet Hubby Guy brought up from the basement all the boxes of "stuff". I went through it and have displayed most of it. What I decided not to display I put in the Goodwill pile. 

Also, I have been married almost 6 years. For the first time this year we have a full sized Christmas tree. When we've put one up the last few years it's been a three foot "Charlie Brown tree". You  know the one. It bends in half when you put an ornament on it.

Anyway.... it feels nice.

It occurred to me just now that all of my "one day" things have happened:
"One day" I would graduate from college. Check.
"One day" I would get married. Check.
"One day" I would have children. Check.
"One day" I would live in a mansion. Check.  (It's all the mansion I've ever needed.)
"One day" I would use all that stuff in the boxes I've been dragging from house to house. Check.

I guess I need to start dreaming again :)

The Post On Posting

Recently I was in the car with a friend. She was driving. She was wondering out loud about where to turn to get to place we were headed. She sounded like she had it figured out so I didn't offer any additional words. She started laughing at me because I didn't chime in. I found that odd.

Sometimes I just don't have anything to say.

I try not to be a COMPLETE blog slacker. I enjoy the practice if for no other reason than to entertain myself. I was looking over my former posts. I decided that, more often than not, the titles are better than the posts themselves. That's very sad.

Anyway... I was looking for inspiration. I LOVE the blogs I follow. I enjoy reading people's musings.

I'm just at a loss. I have nothing to say. Hopefully soon something postable will occur. :(

I Don't Know About You...

I don't know about you but I COULD NOT leave the store without this particular baked item. He called to me and my oldest as we walked past him in the grocery store. We both turned around at the same time to grab him. It was divinely ordained that he was to serve as the birthday cake for the youngest. She turned 8 yesterday.

He served valiantly.... and I'm told he was yummy. The kids split him.

Staycation!

It's the end of the first 9 weeks and the kids are out of school until next Wednesday. The school system decided to stack up teacher inservice days. SO... the kids' grandmother requested to have them for a couple of days. "WELL YEAH!!!" was my response. So.... hubby guy have a couple days of semi-staycation without children. We have some other responsibilities so we couldn't skip town (like our jobs).  So far it's been fun. We went on a date to Walmart last night. That may sound laughable but Walmart isn't a fun place to take children. It sounds like this: "Can I hav..... NO!....Can I hav...NO!...Can I hav....NO!" that sound track plays basically the entire time we're in the store.  So we are enjoying ourselves.

Justified Addiction

I have renamed the hammock. It is now referred to as "The Command Center". I can be found there more often than not. My love for the Command Center has grown so that I have to set up rules for myself. For instance, I have to do one SOMETHING useful like laundry, or cleaning, or actually feeding my family every day in order to gain "deserved" and unabashed access to the Command Center.

I was laying there yesterday somewhat ashamed even though I had completed my required task and I was analyzing why I'm so in love with the Command Center. I'm pretty sure I have it figured out.

1) I LOVE being outdoors when bugs are removed from the scenario. The Command Center is located on a screened porch.

2) I LOVE to read. Finding a comfy and well lighted spot is more difficult than it seems. The Command Center is a perfect reading spot. It's light outside in the daytime (yet shaded because of its location on the porch). AND.. I bought myself an amazing LED book light so that when the sun goes down I still have plenty of light.

3) The Command Center is located in a high traffic area of the house so I'm more accessible than when I hole up in my favorite chair. AND.... even though it's a high traffic area it stays pretty quiet because everyone passes through on their way to someplace else.

4) I LOVE being outside at night to hear all the bugs. Last night it was kinda humid and warmish. I felt like I was camping. I love to camp but hate the inconvenient potty situation of getting a site far away from the facilities. The facilities are only 7-10 yards from the Command Center.

There ya have it. Addiction justified.

I Love It When My Children Are Grounded!

*.... because of the lessons they learn from having consequences and because they will turn out to be splendid, responsible people.....*

That and, I get to be grounded too! I love being grounded. Unfortunately they were just grounded today for seperate offenses. BUT... I had one whole day where I didn't have to leave the house. I didn't even answer the phone *because I decided I should be grounded from it*.

I sat in the hammock, of course, and read a book. Then I watched a bunch of Hallmark movies :)  What a day.

While in the hammock I was also entertained by the little yard birds who were doing something interesting. We had a tree that we've hated since before we even moved in. Scott chopped it down this week to our neighbor's horror. * She's decided that without our hideous tree all the little birds won't come to her birdfeeder because they LOVED that hideous tree and it made them feel safe.*   So, I watched her beloved birds fearlessly float down from the neighbor's trees and hop all around in our yard and scared neighbor lady's yard. They don't seem bothered by the loss of the hideous tree. *Did I tell you that tree was hideous?*  One little birdy even lighted on the flower pot just next to the hammock outside the screen. He looked at me and I looked at him. I think if he were to speak he would have said something like, "Wow, I never knew all this was on the other side of that hideous tree. Thanks for expanding my horizons!" He didn't seem scared or disconent. If only neighbor lady had been there!

An Oldie But A Goodie

Have I ever told you that I adore little, shuffley old people?

I went grocery shopping yesterday. I had just retrieved some pumpkin in a can from the shelf and a little voice behind me says " Going for the pumpkin, huh.... I hear that stuff is hard to come by this year." I turn around and the cutest little old man is standing next to me. He didn't seem to be looking for anything. He was just wandering and offering commentary. He was precious.

A couple aisles later I encountered him with his wife. I only knew they were together because she spoke to him. He was still wandering and was several yards from her. She said, "Dad, we've already been down this aisle." It completely melts me when they call each other Mom and Dad. 

Sweet Moments

So last evening I was in the hammock reading * imagine that*... and the little one was outside of the screen porch stalking bugs. All of the sudden she asked "How does a stink bug stink?" I told her that people say that when they get smashed they smell terrible. I went on to tell her that I personally have never smelled the stink of a stink bug. She got quiet.   In a minute I hear Sniff, Sniff, Sniff followed by the matter-of-fact proclamation, "Nope, he doesn't stink."  It was classic.

Shortly after the non-stink bug incident I heard something odd. Apparently the little one has figured out how to open the dog door in the screen porch (it has a cover that stays on it because our dogs are too stupid to use it) and climb through it. She went on to tell me that she does that all the time. Apparently walking around to the side of the house and going through the garage is too much work. Again, classic.

I was overcome with gratefulness that even though we adopted older children we haven't missed out on all the fun parts of watching them grow up.

I Was Wondering..

I've been sick. I've been the kind of sick where you chug NyQuil and sleep for days at a time. Today is the week anniversary of said sickness. BUT.... the days leading up to the sickness were not good days (because I'm mean and useless when I'm getting sick). So..... I haven't cleaned house in two weeks.

Today I was cleaning house (FINALLY) because our small group meets on Friday nights. To perpetuate the illusion that our house is magically clean and stays that way all the time I had to do a really good job.

One thing I've discovered about the hard surface floors downstairs is that hard surfaces promote dust bunnies (because the hairs have no carpet to cling to). The thought today upon encountering said bunnies was this: How big does a dust bunny have to be before it can be a card carrying rabbit? Apparently two weeks is long enough... I had an entire herd of rabbits in my "Blue Room".

The thought struck me funny. That I had rabbits and not bunnies.

Ick!

I really do hate being sick. It steals all of my energy. I've been sick now since last thursday. On saturday I felt markedly better. Now I feel yuck all over again. The whole family has it too! We are a mess.

Is It Just me?

Is it just me or is Hee-Haw (pictured above) regarding me (the taker of the picture) with great interest? I couldn't help but wonder if he recognized a familiar stubbornness.

Foster Stigma

I just spent the last few days reading a REALLY LONG book. It's the life story of a girl who tragically lost her mother and because of an unfortunate law grew up between foster care and the streets. She actually ended up being a lawyer. It was a pretty amazing story. The book, however, was a hard read. It was hard to read in way too much detail exactly what she went through. I can't imagine it. It was also hard to read all the language. I've put down many other books that had a 1/4 of the language this book had in it. I just really wanted to know how it ended up. Now I know and can get on with life.

I remain frustrated that there seem to be more stories about how terrible foster parents are than there are ones the state otherwise. I'm not gonna drag out my soapbox here, but I really want to.

I talked to my oldest about that particular frustration I had with the book. We've had the conversation before. We went to a concert last year where the speaker was trashing foster care. Her feelings were hurt as were mine.  I keep telling her that she needs to write a book about her life. She says she wants to. Maybe one day we'll write one together.

As The World Turns

Because I'm "Cool Like That" I keep M&M's in a dispenser thingy on my desk. All of us that work in my area pitch in a try to keep it filled. Well......the dispenser emptied by mid-week last week and I had run out of refills. At the beginning of the week my coworker brought in some fall colored M&M's. They were pretty ugly but they were fallish. They were a mixture of red, dark yellow, light brown and dark brown M&M's.  * aside - we decided the Mars company totally flubbed by not including orange, so I picked some orange out of the other bag of original colored ones that another coworker brought in so I could make the fall mix even more fallish. I was much prettier with orange included.*

When I was a kid I don't remember having a bunch of different kinds of the same thing. M&M's, for instance, came in plain and peanut. Now you practically need a menu and a half hour to figure out what kind you may want. There are peanut, almond, pretzel, coconut, raspberry, peanut butter, mint, etc. They also come in every color you can think of.

M&M's isn't the only thing that's been done that way. When Doritos came out with Cool Ranch flavor I thought that was pretty radical. Now, one of my children's favorite flavors of chips is Cheeseburger flavored Doritos. I SWEAR they taste just like a cheeseburger. It's creepy.

Last night the Oldest came into my room. I was reading a letter that I got from my Grandmother yesterday. Oldest was intrigued by it. She's of the email generation so a letter is an odd thing for her. It's rare to get an actual letter in the mail. That grandmother is 92 and lives in Colorado. It was a precious letter. Anyway... we were teasing Oldest about how she better teach her children one day to keep up with us when we are old and frail. I had written to my grandmother and that's whey I received a return letter.

After the kids left the room, for the first time I was able to kinda look out around the bend and imagine myself a grandmother. I started wondering what kind of chips my grandchildren will eat. They will probably have fancy kinds that change flavors several times while you chew them. I wonder if people will still even write letters. Will email be archaic? Will there be Cheeseburger flavored M&M's?

A Something That Points To Somewhere I Don't Wish To Go

~That morning the sky possessed the quality of blue that assured me the day had infinite possibilities. Coupled with the cool breeze it seemed more than my senses could take. I don't know why I didn't get to my feet and march off into the world to do something productive. For the moment, I chose to give in to the the invisible anchor that tethered me to that place. I wasn't sure which I preferred, familiar captivity or new found freedom. They both held an inexplicable allure. I felt as if I had won the lottery. I had the means to do anything I wanted but was paralyzed by the notion that if I set out to do anything I would be overtaken by unknown evils that I was certain were lurking.~

There ya have have it. A beginning of something, words on a page..... This is the type of thing I am tortured by. The other day I actually sat down and wrote part of a chapter of a something (beginning with the above). The trouble I had was that it was emotionally hard. I find that every time I try to write something the same emotions are underneath of it. I can write short stuff with levity, but when I try for a real story, something to actually be developed, the same emotions bubble up. That's frustrating. I feel like the key to my literary freedom is to actually put the time in (it could be years) to write the story that's stuck in there. It's the story of my life. Then I can move on to other stuff.

BLICK! I don't want to do it.

Put Up or Shut Up

Thing said recently by me: "If I had MPD...and I don't... but if I did, one of my "many" would be a common street thug."  That thought just came flying out of my brain. It made me laugh.

I said before that fall is my most creative time of year. I feel more free, for some reason, to be playful in thought. I'm more apt to share with others the crazy that exists all the time but sits quietly in the backseat during other times of the year. Still, though, I vacillate between giving in to the creative or hiding securely in the boring/sane/usual.

I read somewhere recently a quote. I don't know who said it. It's this: "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right."  In my half-hearted search for a real/possibly lucrative outlet for my creativity I hear the same suggestion over and over again.  One of these days I'm gonna have to put up or shut up.

It's Raining Outside and Fall is Coming

This afternoon I read for a while in the hammock on the back porch. As evening fell and the bugs began doing their night-time thing little drops of rain also started to fall. It's a familiar symphony that I love with all my heart. It inspires me and provokes in me a deep sense of satisfaction.

I came inside because I was creeped out by the book I was reading and because the symphony put me in a really good mood. I found my bestie on Facebook and we chatted for a bit. It was one of those conversations that could only be appreciated by us. It was serious and crazy all at the same time. I really enjoyed it. 

Fall is coming. I LOVE fall. It is my most creative time of the year.

Yes, I realize this post has an odd randomness about it.

The End

On A Healthier Society

I had a thought.

We were at a restaurant and there was a baby at the table next to us. He was sitting there minding his own business and sucking on his little melt-aways. All of the sudden something made him sad, mad, or whatever. He dropped his little head back and wailed.

The thought I had was this: How incredibly freeing would that be.... if when we felt sad, mad, or whatever we could just wail right then and there until we were through it, over it, or at least consoled?

When I picture that kind of society in my head it makes me giggle. I think I'm right though. I know in my lifetime I've spent way more energy in concealing my emotions than I have releasing them. I think we would be a healthier society if we could just be real and immediate with our emotions.

Wierd Science

My Hubby Guy is the type of dad who is forever trying to sell the kids some line of bull. They are forever looking to me for verification of his stories. More often than not I spoil his fun.

Well.... today at Cracker Barrel the oldest had one of their "campfire dinners". It's meat and potatoes wrapped in aluminum foil and cooked over a fire. When she was done she announced that she had eaten almost all of it. Hubby Guy then chimed in and said if she ate the aluminum foil "THEN he would be impressed". She grabbed a piece to start chewing (because she rarely backs down from a challenge). He went on to tell her that she could create an electrical charge in her mouth if she chewed aluminum foil over a filling.  I thought it was a line of bull. I kept asking if he was serious and he maintained that he was. It didn't work for the Oldest because she doesn't have the right kind of "old school" fillings. I did though. I grabbed a piece of foil and bit down on it and lo and behold I got an electrical shock! It was CREEPY! I never knew you could do that.

Truly, The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

SCHOOL TIME!!!!  YAY!!!

I was SUCH a nerd when I was school aged that even now when it's time to go back to school I get excited. Yesterday I registered the oldest. We got her schedule and went and found all her classes. I found myself TOTALLY wishing that it was me going back to school. Fortunately for me the oldest doesn't really care about school supplies. I get to go shopping for those by myself and pretend they're really for me. YES, I'm a DORK! 

The only thing I was disappointed about yesterday was that we couldn't meet her teachers. We changed school systems when we moved. Once thing this system does differently is that the kids don't get to meet their teachers before the first day of school. In my opinion that is WAY bo-bo! But... I will be there with bells on for back to school night so I can shake all their hands and wish them luck with my oldest angel. :)

The thing other than fresh school supplies that I appreciate most about this time of year is returning to the routine. I prefer to do the same things the same way at the same time every day. I AM that person. I'm not OCD but I truly love a set schedule. It makes me happy. For whatever reason, when I have a schedule I'm ultimately more productive. I also appreciate down time more. I guess I'm weird like that.

On Healing

This morning I was reading a friend's blog. She was talking about her newly adopted daughter. She reminded me of the notion that when children are young and their cries are ignored they learn to turn inward. They stop crying because they've learned it's a pointless exercise.

I experienced that with my girls, especially the younger one. For along time if she got hurt she would just drop her hair in front of her face and hunch her little self over and get really quiet until she was over whatever had happened.

If you have met my girls you know that the youngest now is a big card! She is chok-full of personality. A couple weeks ago we were helping out some friends by looking in on their dogs while they were away on a day trip. Their dogs are really fun and spirited. The Youngest was throwing balls for them and they were returning them to her. One of the dogs tried to grab the ball from her hand and inadvertently bit her finger. I was completely taken aback by her response. She dropped her head back and wailed at the top of her lungs. I stood there for a minute watching before I scooped her up to console her because it was amazing.

We've had the girls for 2 1/2 years now and in some ways I feel like we've had them since birth. Our family continues to bond and grow the easy camaraderie that comes from being with people you know extremely well. I don't see as often their tell tale signs of healing. They are still healing but the change just isn't as obvious as it was before.  I hope I don't ever start to miss those signs. They are encouraging.

Lifestyles

I LOVE my life.

I LOVE that I'm married!

I LOVE that I'm a mom!

BUT.... There is one thing I miss about being single...or even being married with no kids.

I miss the quiet. I miss the ability to not have anything to do or anyone to take care of.

Today I have my afternoon to myself. My family members are elsewhere. I can do anything I want. It's beautiful.

My only trouble is that I'm torn between seeking out friends and sitting at home reading.

Quarters

When I was a child a quarter was A LOT of money. Rarely was I fortunate enough to be so "rich". Quarters were my favorite kind of money. They got you more stuff that pennies, nickels, or dimes. I loved how heavy they felt in my hands. Having TWO quarters was almost too much for my young self to handle. I would feel "drunk" with richness. Interestingly enough, quarters are still my favorite coins.

The sad truth is that quarters don't hold the spending power I was once so sure of. Perhaps I should change my desires to align closer to my childhood desires. Maybe I should just go back to longing for giant gumballs.

As I grew into adulthood I learned how to manage money. I established spending habits. In my young adulthood I learned especially how to live on very little.

Now I'm living in the castle that Hubby Guy bought me. When the thought of living in a castle one day came to me I vowed to myself this one thing: I vowed that as I was making the castle my own I would decorate it exactly the way I like without regard for the cost. The truth of me is that I tend toward cheap. I choose function over form.

Hubby Guy is so cool that he gave me a house "budget" that I can use as I wish to fix the castle however I like. Initially the thought was really wild and exciting (especially since I consider the budget to be very generous.. so generous that the amount is best expressed in dollars, not quarters). Now I'm faced with a grim reality. I have chosen to be cheap all these years and dismissed what I really like for so long that I'm not sure what I really like.

Another troubling point is that generally I'm a very organized person. Shopping for house stuff overwhelms me. I had some great help recently. We spent a whole day going from store to store. It helped to have a person that at least knows how to decorate. Even with a trusted helper, though, I felt scattered and overwhelmed.

I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but it seems like whenever I have money for whatever I want I either don't want anything or can't decide exactly what I want. When I have no money I want everything and can't have it. I wonder if there's scripture that speaks to that particular issue?  Anyway, I feel like a kid with a whole mason jar full of quarters. I'm positively paralyzed with possibility.

I've decided upon a game plan. I thought I had decided on the same game plan before I moved in but somehow I got distracted. I'm gonna focus on one room at a time. I'm gonna narrow my thinking a bit. I heard somewhere a piece of very applicable wisdom: How do you eat an elephant?.... one bite at a time.

I Have Green Walls, Work Drama, and Bad Hair

I'm kinda scared of the color green. I decided that I wanted 3 walls of the master bedroom to be green. It's a really cool sagey green. I like it but it's gonna need to grow on me :)

I'm still unboxing and arranging but I'm feeling more and more at home.

I've been such a blog slacker. The truth is, though, that had I continued posting regularly ya'll would have asked me to stop it anyway. All I've had on my mind is house stuff.

I need to make an effort to write about some of the other stuff now floating around in my brain now that life is starting to feel normal again.

Let's see....

A different job came up in my office that has more hours and has full benefits. Currently I have no benefits. I still turned the job down. For the first time in my life, my life circumstances don't require that I work. I do work because I need to get out of the house. The extra cash is also a good thing. BUT.... all this has made me think back to those times in my life where my life depended on my employment. Back then the only thing that mattered was the more money part. Now I get to choose.

When I was looking for the job I currently have the thing that was MOST important to me was the circumstance. I wanted a part time job that would allow me to have afternoons free for my children. I wanted to do something that required very little actual brain power. I wanted the work to be somewhat interesting. The job I have is EXACTLY that! And... the very best part.... I LOVE the people I work with!! Our side of the office is awesome. There's a big difference in having a good working relationship with your coworkers and actually liking your coworkers as people. It's summertime so 2 of the three people I work directly with are out of the office. I miss them a lot. I can't wait for school to start just so I can see them regularly again. But at the same time, I feel like this summer has really been a good one as far as proving myself and showing what I'm capable of to the one coworker who is still around. To me that has been spectacular. It's taken 2 1/2 years in my current job to finally feel like I am actually part of the team. It will take more than the lure of money to make me leave my current position. Had I taken the other job I wouldn't have even moved out of the office suite but my circumstance would change greatly. Environment is everything and in my opinion it would STINK to work on the other side of the office. The personalities over there are "interesting" to put it nicely and I want no part of it.

In other news.....

I'm struggling through a bad hair cut. My stylist decided it would be cool to razor cut my hair. My hair didn't respond well. I went back to get it scissor cut but my hair is still mad. It's all split and nasty. I want to wear a ball cap every day. It's embarrassing.

And....

Actually I'm tired of staring at the computer screen. I have more but I'll save it for another day.

Are We Moved Yet?

I'm having an out of life experience.

I've lost track of time. I don't know what day it is.

I have a job but haven't gone in a week and a half. That feels weird! ** I worked a months worth of time in two weeks and so these two weeks I worked in advance. Since I'm part time I can do crazy things like that as long as I get done what needs to be done.**

I kinda look forward to getting back to life. It will be a good thing indeed when we finally get moved. It's getting done. It's just happening a load at a time with lots of painting in between. I was thinking today that it's a cool way to move. I don't mind. It's just odd to be between two houses. We're at the point now that most everything is at the new house except the stuff we use daily.

We'll be done moving monday and then the unpacking process will begin. I look forward to that.

I also look forward to checking back in to life. :)

Observation About Myself

I enjoy unpacking boxes MUCH more than packing them. I'm exhausted and I'm not even halfway through the kitchen.

BUT... it'll all be worth it when I'm chillin' in my new castle. :)  We close thursday.

...And I'm Crazy!

I'm waiting for something to finish printing. Yes, I'm at work. ** Don't judge me**  Anyway... I was looking out the window and randomly started snapping the tune to the Lone Ranger. (I spend lots of alone time at work, so no, there was no audience) It's kind of a mixture of snapping my fingers and clapping my hands. You may have seen it demonstrated before.  It occurred to me that snapping and clapping the tune to the Lone Ranger is kind of a silly thing for an adult person to be doing. I got tickled at myself.  I decided I'd share with you this odd moment in my day.  Don't ya just feel blessed that I'm such a goober? :)

On Human Foibles & Listening to God

Something I know about myself is that in order to be really effective in whatever I choose to do that I need to feel connected to the people with whom I serve. I need to feel a part of a family. I need to feel like a necessary part of the team. When that is threatened it shakes my core. It's a foothold for satan and I know it.

I'm involved with a ministry at church. It's something that I actually feel led to be a part of. BUT... I'm not connected at all. I have almost walked away more than once for the above stated reason. For some reason I can't. In the meantime, big things happen and I'm left out. An important thing happened this weekend. It's something that as a worker in the ministry I should have been a part of. I was excluded. I walked away from sunday school this morning feeling really disenfranchised. I'm hurt. I'm frustrated and the carnal side of me wants very much to walk away.

BUT... In the service this morning Pastor Guy was talking about the value of integrity. It's something that's very important to me. As I sat there nursing my wounds, I really appreciated what he was talking about. He defined integrity as remaining true to your convictions regardless of what it costs you. The truth of my situation is this: I do feel called to the particular ministry. I don't do it for people. I do it for God.  He referenced Colossians 3:23: 

²³Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, ²⁴since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (NIV)

That's  how I feel about this. It's a matter of my heart. I have committed to the ministry. The important thing is that I follow my convictions without regard for the foibles of others. I don't know why sometimes it's so very hard to extend grace. It find it so much easier to just remove myself from a situation than to behave like a mature Christian. Why must my sinful side be so darn...sinful?


It was cool though, before Pastor Guy even started his sermon I feel like God gave me a little bit of encouragement. Another worker had approached me about doing something this summer for the ministry that is right up my alley. We haven't had an opportunity to talk more about it and I had begun to wonder if she meant it or if it would happen. She approached me again and we're gonna get together this week to talk more about it and do some planning. It was a well timed conversation and I do believe it was a "Holy Hug" meant to say "It's gonna be ok".

To Win or Not To Win

I was talking to my oldest today. **Fancy that**   I don't know how we got on the topic but I asked her if she enjoys competition. I had never stopped to consider whether or not she's a competitive person. The truth is she's not. I came to that conclusion pretty quick and she verified it. She likes to participate but doesn't really care all that much about winning.

My youngest child is definitely competitive. EVERYTHING is a competition... who finishes eating first, who buckles their seat belt first, etc. It drives me nuts. BUT.... I can understand that mindset. I am a VERY competitive person. I'm so competitive that I go to the extreme and rarely if ever do anything that I'm not good at. New things are practically paralyzing because of my fear of failure. I consider not being extremely good at something failure.

It occurred to me today that I may be taking the wrong approach to parenting my oldest. I need to get a grasp on what motivates her. I tend toward pushing her to succeed at whatever and actually work to be the best at whatever she's doing. If she doesn't care to be good at stuff then it doesn't do me any good to push her. I'm not saying she should do less than her best, but that she might do better if I would just lay off and let her find her own way through stuff.   I had this "ah-ha" moment when I asked her if she was interested in doing swim practice two-a-days. She has that opportunity and I think it's awesome! I was at the gym every time they'd let me when I was competing. Extra practices were better than gold.  I wanted perfection. I strived for perfection. Dominating the competition was my reward and it felt REALLY good to win. She wasn't interested. The simple fact of my oldest is that competition holds no reward for her. That isn't the way she works.

I'm left with the question.... if you aren't motivated by winning, what else is there?

If I had to pick one thing...

If I had to pick a hobby and completely surrender myself to it..... it would be photography. Here are some of my favorites from today. I went to the National Zoo with the first graders.

It's Official!

So...... FINALLY..... the adoption is final. Hubby Guy and I are now the proud legal parents of 2 bouncing not-so-baby girls. The final orders were signed last thursday. We found out today because our lawyer is a LOSER! Anyway... we're glad it's over.

Here's a picture from 2 years and 3 months ago. This picture was taken the day after the girls came to live with us. You can say what you want about the difficulties of physical pregnancy, but this emotional pregnancy has been long and tedious and I dare say far more difficult than having kids the traditional way.

It's kinda cool.... last week I ordered Hubby Guy a T-shirt that says "(Oldest Kid)'s Dad.... Feelin' lucky, Punk". It came today in the mail... the same day we found out the adoption was final. How cool is that?

On Molding Productive Members of Society

As I AM on a never-ending quest to develop children that will positively affect the planet......

On saturday afternoon we worked on a very special skill....

We worked on our foot writing.

We determined that we are all right footed. :)

One-Track

Sorry I haven't said much. My brain is so full with thinking about the new house and waiting with great anticipation that I feel kinda one-track right now. I'm CERTAIN that you don't care where I'm planning to put the couch. Likewise, I'm sure you don't have an opinion on what color of blue to paint the great room. See my point. I'm incapable of talking about anything else.

I will share a couple of things though. Last night on the Sherwin Williams website I found a really fun tool. You can upload a picture and then try out paint colors to see what they'll look like in that room. It was fun but a little tedious because the only picture I have of the room I wanted to try had lots of furniture and stuff in it. You have to tell the program exactly what areas to paint. It was VERY similar to Photoshop. I had to use a little polygon tool to select the biggest areas of wall that weren't decorated.

Yesterday after work I went to a couple of furniture stores. I went first to Grand's because I was thirsty. They always offer a little glass bottle of Coke whenever you go in there. It is our furniture store of choice and the caffeine offering at the door only sweetens the deal. I looked at EVERYTHING. I got some ideas but didn't really fall in love with much. So far there is only one chair that I want. I went to another store and found a bedroom set that I like. That just only added to my hurry up and wait.

If I were really an overachiever **which I'm NOT** I would start a little design book with paint swatches and furniture pictures.

Hell's Kitchen

This morning the oldest asked me if she could cook eggs. I said sure. She's done it plenty of times.

I always say I don't want any because of one very important fact. EVERY time she has made eggs she has decided she's a famous chef and makes "specialty" eggs. Today there isn't anything that adequately expresses how happy I was that I said no again.Unfortunately the little one said yes.I couldn't save her.

Today the oldest decided that scrambled eggs would be fantastic with banana chopped up in them. ** If you're already turning green, it gets worse**  I found this out as she set a heaping plate of her concoction in front of her sister. I then noticed there was still lots of it in the pan. I asked how many eggs she felt were necessary to feed her and her sister. She said she started with 4 and it didn 't look like enough and then she started telling a weaving , winding story that didn't really give me a number. I'm guessing that she scrambled 8 to 10 eggs with 1 banana mixed in. It was all runny and scorched looking. **BLICK**

I ultimately let the little one pick out the banana. I didn't let the big one off the hook. After one bite she was disgusted and didn't want to eat anymore. She got to suffer some natural consequences. Not only did she have to eat everything on her plate, but she wasn't allowed any other food today until she had eaten all of her concoction. (Approximately 6 more eggs worth)

She ate a little for lunch and the rest for dinner. We did have some fun at dinner though. She shared the rest of her recipe. I was too scared to ask what else she may have put in the eggs. She's famous for killing them with minced garlic. I couldn't let myself consider eggs with garlic and banana. It would have soured my stomach for the day. BUT... what she actually put was seasoned salt which was probably every bit as bad or worse.

We named her creation Huevos Chiquita. She'll never live it down. :)

Hurry Up and Wait

I feel like I'm next in line to get on the rollercoaster. Do you know the feeling when you've been waiting in a crazy long line for about 45 minutes in the heat and you've finally made it to the head of the line? All you have to do is wait for the next ride to come in and then it's your turn.

I've wanted to move for a while now. I've thought about it for a very, very long time.

Now everything is in place and we are just waiting for the closing date. In a way this part is harder. I'm really excited. I want time to speed up.

Friendship is Beautiful

I have a friend. ** Believe it or not**

We've known each other positively forever.

We have a big girl friendship that doesn't take it's toys and go home when we encounter possible uncomfortablity and life's general unpleasantries.

I love her :)

Wake Up Call

Yesterday I had FUN! We went to the water park to celebrate the birthday of my friend's daughter. I haven't been to a water park since I was a teenager. I had forgotten how much I like water slides.

Like anything else, though, my analysis muscle was working overtime the entire time I was there. Something was off with my kids and I couldn't figure it out.

The girls and myself were the only non-relatives invited to said party.

I was at a loss to figure out my own kids so I spent the majority of the time considering the relationships in the family we were with. I have known the family for 18 years. It's not like any of them are strangers. They definitely aren't. I'm just not one of them. In another 30 years I still won't be one of them. They aren't my family.

I have spent the better part of the last 20 years working to establish the "family" experience for myself because of the dysfunction the scarred me as a child. On some level I have definitely done that. I can say, though, that no amount of contrived family experience can substitute for the real thing. Every family has it's dysfunction, but there's just something really beautiful about those moments when in spite of the dysfunction the family works as a unit.  **like linking arms to escape the pool troll**

When we got home last night I asked why my girls didn't play with the birthday girl and her sister. I was told that when the oldest asked the other child if she wanted to play she said no because she just wanted to hang out with her cousins. All of the sudden everything clicked in my head and I understood.

Here was the big thought that occurred to me after hearing that: My girls aren't part of the family we were with and they aren't biologically part of mine. I cannot imagine how painful it is for them to know that they have a biological family out there that they can't be a part of. I'm certain they understand the bio-family bond. When my kid told me about what the other kid said she wasn't upset by it. It made perfect sense to her. It broke my heart, though. The best Hubby Guy and I can offer is a contrived family experience. As much as our family is their family now, there will always be a piece of them that is missing. That is the tragedy of adoption.

I Went On A Date... with my youngest

I went on a date tonight with my youngest. We had fun.

I found myself surprised by the simplicity of entertaining my 7 year old. I told her that we were gonna go on a date just the two of us. I told her we could do anything she wanted. I figured she was gonna go for the movies or skating, etc. She surprised me. Given the option of doing anything she chose the park. SO..... first we went to the park. She played for about a 1/2 hour. I told her that I couldn't play because I'm sick but she assured me she would find someone to play with and she did. From there we went to Target to get a gift for a birthday party we're going to tomorrow. After Target we went to McDonald's because any perfect day in the little one's book includes a meal at the "Golden Arshes". She insisted when we were leaving McDonald's that our supper would be perfectly complimented by a Slurpee. So... we got a Slurpee.    ** Don't judge me. She's 7, you only live once, and we were on a date**     We were on our way back to the house when she decided she wanted to see her brother. We ended up over at his house until about 20 minutes ago. When we got home she was happily in bed within 5 minutes. It was a very successful date.

Caught Her!

A GREAT thing happened in WalMart the other day.

One thing that really triggers my eating issues is people who eat healthy. It makes me feel terrible about myself. I know that's crazy. It's how I feel, though.

SO.... I was in WalMart and I saw an acquaintance. She's a person who for as long as I've known her has poo-poo'd the eating of processed food and has generally turned her nose up at anything that could be construed as tasty. At social gatherings she brings stuff like hummus and pita chips. 

This person actually got in the check out line behind me. I was STUNNED when I saw the items she pulled out of her cart. She's a poser!!! Honestly, my chin hit the floor. What's funny is that I felt vindicated. I thought, "Score one for the doughnuts!"  I think the truth is that she's health conscious for herself but doesn't actually torture her family with hummus and the like. As a doughnut who hates to see others suffer the indignity of eating bean sprouts, I'm proud of her. BUT, now that I know her secret she can totally tone down the doughnut hate speech.

I've Approached the Line Once Again

Warning/Instruction/Disclaimer: I'm about to share my deepest, darkest secret. I do not expect anything from you the reader. I'm just tired of hiding and pretending. I want the facts out there so it can seem like less of a scary thing for me. 

I'm just gonna say it. I have issues.

I've always had trouble eating in front of people. It stems from trauma I experienced as a child. As an adult I am aware of my troubles and mostly manage to get by without people noticing my discomfort. I have a well oiled system of excuses I hide behind that work like a charm.

When I was younger the problem was actually easier to deal with. I was skinny, so in my head it made sense to me that not eating would be expected and I felt it was easier to get away with no one seeing me eat. In the last 10 years I've become massive. Unfortunately I believe the reason for that is that I've got such an unhealthy relationship to food and where,when, and what I eat. I've managed to get myself into a cycle of  - lose lots of weight, gain it all back, repeat. That is so unhealthy! UG!

There seems to be a magical line on the scale. When I get there I start to really struggle emotionally with "looking like a doughnut". I am there now. I look at me in the mirror and am so disgusted. I would love to go on The Biggest Loser. I'm struggling, people.

Hand-Me-Down Snark

The girls and me were out this evening wasting time while waiting for the home inspection of the house we're selling to be over.

After spending an hour in KFC ** I never knew one could take an actual hour to eat 2 chicken strips** we went to Walmart to look for nail polish **some things I can't go without**.

On our way out of the store we encountered the brats from across the street and one of their parental units. We spoke courteously as is customary and exited the store.

When we got outside the oldest flatly said, "I really wish that we had just missed them." I found the well-timed snark darn funny. I returned with "Do you mean you could have gone all day without seeing them?" to which she said flatly again "Yep".

I suppose if I were a good parent I would have told her not to say stuff like that. She didn't need to say why she felt the way she did. There's no love lost between us and the brats across the street. I just found it hysterical that she chose to express what she was feeling the way she did. It was genious.

When stuff like that happens I get really paranoid about the things I say. I wondered if that was hand-me-down snark or if she just comes by it naturally. :)

Bittersweet

I've always wanted daughters. I've been told LOTS that boys are easier. I don't care. I wanted girls. Now I have two of them.

Tonight me and the oldest one went on a "date". We got sodas and gigantic chocolate bars and went and sat in the park for about 2 1/2 hours. It was awesome.

I'm a little bit mad that before I know it she probably will be way to cool to want to go on a "date" with me or even be seen in public with me. I wonder how long I can bribe her with chocolate and soda?

It was so sweet to be able to sit and talk about anything and everything. She's young enough that she actually believes what I say. It felt really good to share what I know about life with her. It's somewhat of a burden to know that she didn't have anyone to protect her when she was younger and that so much harm has been done. I feel like I have so little time to try to help heal what I can.

When I was in my 20's the thought that sustained me was that one day all the trauma I endured as a kid would prove useful. What I'm doing now isn't exactly how I had imagined it, but it'll do :)

Stuff Nobody Cares About But I'm Tellin' Anyway

Here it is.

I got a bad haircut.

It's basically the same hair cut that I've had forever. BUT... instead of straight cutting it with scissors, she used that weird texturizing blade thingy. It seemed like a cool idea to both of us at the time. The truth is that it makes me look like I have terrible split ends. It also seems to cue the natural curl that I iron into submission daily that something is terribly wrong so it curls as soon as I walk outside. BOOOOO!!

So I made an appointment today for next week (the soonest she has available) to fix it. I can't wait.

Ooh, Ooh, ooh....And.... did I tell you about my trip to Sherwin Williams?

Pedro the Painter (a.k.a. Hubby Guy) is a paint snob. He will only paint with Sherwin Williams paint. I know, right? So...the girls and I went there to look for potential colors to put in their new rooms, and me the rest of the house, etc.

I walked in and was giving them the lay of the land when the sales dude approached me. I told him what we were up to and he gave me two "fan wheels" of colors ** for FREE**. We went on with our looking. When I got ready to leave I asked him again if he was sure that they were free. He said yes!

So now... I possess LOTS of paint swatches. I'm SO excited about that. Thursday is the home inspection so I'm gonna take my swatches with me and see if I can make some decisions. Fun, Fun!!

Sunday Afternoons

I like saturdays alright, but I love Sunday afternoons.

Saturdays end up being all about entertaining the children. Sometimes it's fun for me and I don't really mind wandering here and there and doing stuff. Sundays though..... the little one has a standing date with her bed for a nice long nap after lunch. The big one sits around bored. Hubby Guy usually takes the time to catch up on things at his office. I get to do anything I want. It's my afternoon off.   Sometimes I nap. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I play on the internet. Sometimes I blog :) It's awesome.  I take my day of rest very literally.

I heard a sermon once about the Lord's Day. The pastor person talked all about how we were designed to have a day to rest. He did acknowledge that rest can take on any number or forms and depends completely on the person. His point was, though, that we weren't designed to schedule every second of our week full of stuff. That isn't healthy. He said that on his calendar there is at least one day in every week that is dedicated to personal renewal. I love that notion. The Bible says we should take a load off. How cool is that?

Shark Music

Hubby Guy and I are part of a class taught by Child Shrinks. It's a class "loosely" about attachment disorder.

This past week they did a really cool thing. They showed a video of a gorgeous beach with a path that leads down to the beautiful water. In the background was nice soothing music. We talked about "our feelings" while watching the video. Then they showed the exact same video again. The second time it was accompanied by "Shark music". It was scary, stranger/creature-lurking-waiting-to-snatch-you music. Then we talked about "our feelings" again. ** Feel free to snicker while conjuring a picture of me and Hubby Guy talking about "our feelings"**   Anyway... the point was that our experiences provide the background against which we view our circumstances or even a particular event. What looks peaceful and unproblematic to one person may be positively terrifying to another person because of their life experience.

This week was a real ah-ha week for me in considering why I do some of the things I do and why I freak out sometimes. Unfortunately I have lots of "shark music". I've never heard what I feel sometimes described so clearly. it was really cool.

That Feeling

Have you ever gotten that feeling that you may have hurt someone's feelings without meaning to?

I totally have that feeling.

Last night I was chatting on Facebook. The person I was chatting with made a comment. I commented back without thinking.

My best friend in the whole wide world is probably laughing right about now when she reads this. She is SO AWARE of what happens when I don't take a moment to process before I speak. I have a directness on occasion that isn't well received. It's especially bad when I'm writing or text/chatting. I'm way braver on paper/in type than I am in person. In person I really am a weenie most of the time. 

So anyway... the person I was chatting with is someone that has a decent grasp of who I am but doesn't really know ME.  That comment happened just as I was falling asleep in my chair and deciding to turn in. I said nite-nite and went on my merry way without waiting for her to say anything else.

SO.... this morning at 2:30am I got up for a potty break and I couldn't go back to sleep. It was guilt... I'm pretty sure. I didn't think anything of my comment at the time. I started thinking, though, about my history with that particular person and the heavy curtain of doubt fell on me. Have I done it again? I can't believe myself.

Sometimes I think perhaps I should join one of those silent convent-type places. I'll speak only to God in my head and keep my mouth shut and fingers still. That way I'll keep myself out of the fine messes I seem to easily get myself into.

When it comes to developing friendships for myself I feel like one of those truly dreadful chick flick characters that is just a "hot-mess" and only gets by because of the people in life who truly love her despite herself.

The Thorn In The Flesh

Just today I was pondering how wonderfully happy and blessed I am. I was doing a mental inventory (a check-up-from-the-neck-up as Hubby Guy would call it). Really it was about more than my brain. It was more of a reconciliation between my brain and my heart/soul.

I was thinking about how I hate that we're born sinful and that our flesh constantly is unsatisfied.

It didn't take me long to identify the one area of life where I always find myself lacking. No, I'm not gonna share what that is. I'll just say I've battled it for years. As much as I would love to not struggle with it, I think I likely always will.

I was thinking of Paul's thorn in the flesh as described in II Cor. 12:7-10. It was given to him as a constant reminder of how in need of Christ he was. It's role was to keep him humble.

It's so easy to lose sight of how fallen and desperate I am when things are good. I haven't forgotten my need of Christ, but it's good to be reminded anyway.

I had this thought too: If I ever did stop struggling with the one thing that I'm not gonna tell you another thing would surely come along.  As daunting as I find my particular struggle, I fear that what may follow it would be triple bad.

I'm Not Obsessed..... But I Really Want To Be

The only trouble with closing two whole months after having an accepted offer is now I've mentally moved. I've been deciding where different pictures, etc that are on the wall now will go in the new place. I've been planning what furniture I'll need to purchase and where to fill spaces with the current furniture. I've already been thinking abut wall colors, etc. It's enough to drive a person crazy.

We Got It!

They accepted our offer!!! Look at my new house!!!

We will close in late June. Yippee!!!!

One The Specialty Store Doesn't Have

Today I was out looking for something.

I want an item that I can't find.

We have a store where I live. It's called Glen's Fair Price. They are known for having all manner of odd things like fake barf, a Michael Jackson costume, bald caps, fuzzy unicorns with wings, blinking clown noses, and the like. They didn't have it. I've never been in Glen's Fair Price and not found the item I went in after until today.

And.... I can't even describe to you what I'm looking for. I think I'm gonna have to make it. When I make it (or if I ultimately find one) I will totally write a post about it. :)

Oh The Agony

We put a contract on a house tonight. It's the house I've been stalking for a while. Unfortunately, the people wanted until Wednesday to think about our offer because we didn't finish until close to 8:00 and the wife is getting up early in the morning to go out of town all day.

Can you say stress? I'm gonna try to just let it go from the front of my brain. Hubby Guy is in charge of the negotiating to start up Wednesday. He is just supposed to let me know when they agree and we can proceed. I will try not to completely lose it before then.

And Fun Was Had By All!!

We had our adoption party today. It was AWESOME!

I was really touched by the sheer number of people who were there. I was scared that maybe only a couple of people would show and it would not be fun. I'm happy to report that there were people everywhere.

My sweet friend Cathy rented out the local skate center. We had the whole place just for us and all the people that love our family. It was especially special to me that my sweet coworker provided the yummy cake even though she couldn't be there.

I feel really loved.

Just before the oldest went to bed tonight she said, "Was it true when Miss Cathy said that everyone who was at the party was there because they love us?"  I was really happy to be able to tell her honestly, yes.

We even had family who came from Arizona! And.. my sister and brother-in-law surprised us and drove two hours to be there. I haven't seen my sis in a very long time. They came to the house afterward too and that was awesome. We had Hubby Guy's Mom and sister and my sister and bro-in-law at the house. I just ate that up because I love getting together with family and we have zero family in town.

Yay for today!

Hopefully now the adoption will actually be finalized May 3rd. ** Seeing as how we've already partied** 

Truly, Madly, Deeply

They did fall truly, madly, deeply and now we're under contract!!!!  Now they have to get their financing and all that. (They were prequalified so we don't expect any surprises.) We're supposed to close on June 18. Yay!

AND.... now we have 7 days to go put a contract on another house. We wrote it that way because there are actually two solid choices we're interested in. We're gonna go look at them both on tuesday and go ahead and make an offer sometime between tuesday and friday. We're pretty solid on one house but are going to look at a second just for comparison.

The greatest part of all of this is that we will move this summer in plenty of time before school starts. AND... my kids get to go to county schools. The school systems are split where we are. We basically have two separate school systems where anywhere in the world it would only be one. Currently we live in the city. Some city schools are good and some are terrible. My little one goes to a good school and my big one goes to a school that I not-so-affectionately call "The Pit". I hate it. I've threatened the principal more than once that I'm taking her out to home school her.

The county schools around here are better than city. It's still public school and it's far from perfect as well....but the county schools have a better reputation for actually educating the students.

AND.... my master plan of letting the girls start over in a new place with their new names will come to fruition. I was concerned that we wouldn't sell in time for them to be able to start the new school on the first day of school. New schools are hard but they're even harder when you come late to the party. The biggest had to change schools mid year when they first came to live with us. It was a TOUGH transition. Now they'll start a new school with new names and no "foster kid" tag. I'm really excited about that. They just get to be normal kids. I don't feel like they've ever been allowed to just be normal kids. In their birth home there was too much dysfunction. With us they've had the "foster kid" tag. This will be the first time in their lives that they have a normal, healthy forever family and a life to match. That's a big deal.

If I Burrito They Will Come

One unfortunate part of having pets is the hair they leave behind. I regularly "burrito" my furniture. I could vacuum every day but I prefer to burrito instead.

When people come over I un-burrito the furniture. When the house first went on the market I found that every time I burritoed we would get another showing and I would just have to un-burrito. So I developed the saying "If I burrito they will come."

Well we haven't had a showing in a week and a half and I never re burritoed. I cleaned house monday after the mysterious yard lookers appeared. I was hoping I would get a call so I didn't bother to burrito. Just today I was thinking about re burrito-ing because I didn't get a call and guess what???? We have a showing tomorrow evening. They called this afternoon.

Keep your fingers crossed tomorrow evening that someone will fall truly, madly, deeply in love with our house and buy it.

As I looked back on what I just wrote it occurs to me that I never imagined I would say the word burrito and variations of the word so often in one place. Life is funny.

The Newest

Meet Bing.

Hubby Guy discovered him a couple of days ago.

He lives under our back deck.

And I'm in love! He might be the cutest thing I've ever seen.

A Good Kind of Creepy

Yesterday I was laying on the back deck reading a book ** imagine that**. Oldest kid was over at her brother's house. The little one was napping. Hubby Guy had left for his review session at school.

All of the sudden I heard two voices. My first thought was that perhaps Hubby Guy hadn't left like I thought he had and the little one was awake and they were talking. The voices got clearer and all of the sudden I realized they were outside the fence looking into my backyard. It wasn't Hubby Guy and Little One. It was a young couple and she was raving about how big the backyard is and how she liked the stone patio that Hubby Guy built.

Because of where I was I don't think they saw me. I was laying on the floor of the deck and from where they were standing I think the grill blocked their view of me. I just turned my head and I could see her over the top of the grill. I realize that since I could see her then she could see me too if she looked at the right spot. I turned back to my book and froze and eventually they wandered off.

The bothersome part of the experience is that had I not been wearing flannel PJ pants and a snoopy T-shirt I would have hopped up and talked to them. It was a missed opportunity. It's probably best though because inside the house was disgusting. I've since fixed that problem in case the realtor calls and says someone wants to see it. For a while there I kept up very well. I need to get back in clean every other day mode. That works best.

I guess I'll have to start wearing something other than "my uniform" in case people wander into my yard. That was creepy. At least it was a good kind of creepy.

Dreaming in Third Person Subjective

In my post on 3/25/10 Desperation I wrote about my seasonal addiction of reading. I did finally find something to read and I can't stop. I've read 6 novels since then. When I read I completely engage the story such that I lose track of my surroundings. I really enjoy "intellectually" transporting to another place/life. I'm getting ready *when I'm done posting* to start another book. I noticed a flat, sore spot on the back of my head yesterday that *I swear* is from being propped up on a pillow reading.

For the last few nights I've noticed something very odd. I always have very vivid and often crazy dreams. My dreams are very lifelike. I feel like I'm there. I also usually get up sometime in the early morning to go potty.  I wake up just enough not to step on a dog or cat but not so much that I can't go back to sleep. Often if I'm in the middle of a dream I don't really fully leave it. Well... the last couple of mornings as I've been laying there going back to sleep I've been aware of the fact that instead of being part of the dream or experiencing the action firsthand, I was experiencing it the same way I experience a book. I was reading about it. The words describing the dream I was a part of were actually running through my head. It was a really cool sensation because I was "writing" my own dream in words. I wasn't dreaming about anything I've read. The subject matter was my own. It felt exquisite, like I was actually capable of writing really enthralling text. It has only lasted a few seconds at a time but it was really sweet.

I'm Not The Only One!!!!

Well.... this is my 200th blog post. I'm really proud of that fact. **Party!, Party! Party!**  I believe it signifies that blogging is more than a passing whim (like limiting my caffeine intake). I've held on and plan to keep on sharing likely way too much information with whomever will read it.

On to other things.... I'm not the only one....the only dork.... I found another.  I was walking down the long hallway to exit the physics/chemistry building yesterday at James Madison University and there was a lady in front of me. First I noticed she was whistling a snappy little tune. I thought that was awesome. Then I noticed she wasn't walking particularly straight. I wondered for a moment if she was "under the influence". I thought perhaps she'd been in one of the chemistry labs sniffing something good, but then I noticed why she was wobbly. She was walking the fine line between the floor tiles like a balance beam and just wasn't very good at it. I really wanted to run up to her and hug her and welcome her to the club. I settled for just watching her be a dork. She had to know that I was several yards behind her and just did not care. She gets big, big points from me for being so brazen. It really made my afternoon.

Out With The New and In With The Old

For the past two days I haven't started the day with caffeine. I usually start my day with a Diet Pepsi. The last two mornings I've had a big bottle of water instead.

I have this to report: I feel great until about 12:00. At 12:00ish today and yesterday I got a killer headache. It's the kind of headache that throbs if you change positions. I hate it.

I realize that cutting out even diet sodas has measurable health benefit.  My question is this: Is it worth it? Right now my head feels like it has an axe buried in it. I broke down and took Excedrin and am currently downing a giant sweet tea. My headache will be gone soon.

When I was young (and skinny) I had a system. For every soda I had, I had to drink an equal amount of water. That way I generally got twice as much water as I did soda in any given day because I mainly had soda at mealtimes and water in between.  Perhaps I'll go back to that system. That way I can have my cake and eat it too.  I'm not sure what science has to say about my system. I like it though and it makes me feel good about getting plenty of water. Better still, on my system I get to have soda basically guilt free.

Now if only I could come up with a system by which I could get away with not doing laundry guilt free....

Because I'm A Dork... That's Why! (Volume II)

 

I use in-ear headphones. I've had hearing loss since I was a baby. The in-ear kind are just the best for me.

Well... the other day I was grocery shopping. I had a lot floating through my head so I decided to listen to music to help focus.

I always turn off my music before going through the check out line so as not to appear super rude. I noticed the other day that when I took off my headphones I couldn't hear very well. I then started stressing about finally having blasted my eardrums to the point that they wouldn't bounce back.

I finished checking out and started walking to the car. I was really troubled that I couldn't hear hardly at all. I reached up and touched my right ear and realized that when I took off my earphones the little light blue tip of the right one stayed in my ear.

Miraculously after I removed it my hearing was restored.

Yes, people... I'm a dork!

My Island

In my mind there's an island.

All of the people that I really like live on the island. *Figuratively*  The island is a place of acceptance. Its inhabitants are the people who make me laugh, who encourage me, who love me even when I'm being a booger, and people with other like qualities.

I love it when I let new people onto the island. I have a party in my head.

Today I let a new person onto the island. Crazy enough, I've never even met her. She's my favorite, favorite, favorite blogger. If I ever go to south Alabama I'm looking her up. You can find her here.

Emotions

I wonder why it is that any emotion you have only intensifies when you try to stifle it.
Yesterday in church I got tickled. I had a VERY hard time containing my laughter. I thought I was gonna stop breathing and my eyeballs were gonna pop out of me head! What's really pitiful is that what I was laughing at wasn't really funny. It just struck my funny bone just right.


I also cried yesterday in sunday school. It came totally as a surprise. Several things hit me at once when we were sharing about our weeks and before I knew it I was choked up and trying to speak. The more I fought it the harder it was to speak. I managed to get through it without making a total scene. I was embarrassed though.

It's a pretty rare thing for me to in a span of a couple hours go from tears to shoulder shaking laughter. Once I feel something I usually feel it for a while. I'm an emotion camel. I'm bad to hold onto stuff far too long. Then something basically unrelated to what's troubling me happens and I have a meltdown. I usually have to stew for a while. I didn't have a meltdown in sunday school. I just felt a little upset. I suppose that's why it was so easy to transition to laughter. More than one emotion in a couple of hours though is rare. I generally stay pretty even.

It Was So Yummy I Could Have Eaten It...

This is what my afternoon looked like today.

After we got home from church and lunch I put on my "Grumpy Pants" literally, not figuratively, and retired to the back porch with the book I was needing to finish.

After I finished the book I just continued to lay on the porch and take in the gorgeous day.

The only thing that was missing was a polarizing lens for my camera. The sky was so much more gorgeous through my polarized shades. The blue was a little deeper.

Back before we had children, most sunday afternoons this time of year were spent in the hammock. I haven't just chilled out back on a sunday afternoon in years.

For the first little bit today the oldest brought a book and sat out there with me. That was really nice. She got bored and decided she wanted to go to the University with Hubby Guy. The little one was sleeping. So with Hubby Guy and the oldest gone and the little one sleeping I was ALONE. At first I felt kinda guilty like perhaps I should be dealing with the mountain of laundry waiting inside the house. It didn't take long to get over that.  I spent three hours on the porch socking up the day. 

It was so yummy I could have eaten it.  :)

Grumble, Grumble, Gripe...

If I were to wake up one day with infinite energy and wherewithal... I know exactly what I would take on...

Our adoption papers went to court for the first time on Monday. Since we haven't heard anything, I called the lawyer's office yesterday to verify that we would be going to court on the next motions day which would be the 21st to finalize the adoption.

I don't know why I keep being surprised. I must be pretty thick.

Would you believe there's another waiting period we weren't told about???!!! The judge signed the order, apparently now there's another waiting period and then DSS has to sign it again and THEN a court date can be set to finalize it.

I wanted to cry. Our adoption party is planned and in motion. It can't be moved. Now I get to do exactly what I didn't want to do and celebrate an adoption that STILL won't be complete.

The system is very broken. I'm guessing those people have NO IDEA what it's like to live in limbo. I'm certain they have no idea what it does to the kids to know that they're "wards of the state". My children need permanency. The dumbest of all the "doorknobs" we've worked with had the audacity to tell me that the children got permanency when they found out they weren't likely going home. That was almost a year ago. SO much has happened and they still don't have a legal family. They legally belong to no one. It's a problem that causes my children emotional distress.

It isn't enough anymore that we're "in the process" of adopting. That has lost its ring. It needs to be done. We were told 6 weeks. It's already week 9 and I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Snowblower Envy

I'm just a few posts away from 200. I think that's pretty nifty. I may have to plan a celebration of some sort.

I told you I would tell you about "the snowblower".

This is a picture of Hubby Guy/the Driveway Maintenance Department maintaining the driveway after the first storm. At one point he was watching the across the street neighbor plow out using his snazzy little snow blower. Hubby Guy got a bad case of snow blower envy.  I told him just as soon as he could find the driveway that he could go buy himself one. It became kind of a running conversation/joke about his snow blower envy.

Well.... Hubby Guy had made the terrible mistake of asking me for a Christmas list. He said I could write down ANYTHING I wanted. Well... I decided that I wanted an iPod touch. I listed some options and crossed my fingers.

A few days before Christmas Hubby Guy and the little one went out for a bit. When they came home Hubby Guy came lumbering in the house with a HUGE wrapped package. It was a big wrapped barrel. The little one is a kick. She's really good at keeping actual secrets but she thinks all the surrounding things are ok to say. So Hubby Guy walked out of the room and she says "I can't tell you what's in there because it's a secret, but we put lots of heavy stuff in there so you won't know what it is." I felt terrible. He was trying to be sneaky and she totally ruined it. I decided to play along. I started saying that he had bought me a snow blower. I realize that snow blowers don't come in barrels. It just fit with our running joke. Every day I would talk about how I just really didn't know what was in that big barrel but that I was pretty sure it was a snow blower. So... On Christmas when I opened it I gushed about the snow blower and how awesome it was.

The name stuck. Now ya know. :)

Because I'm A Dork... That's Why!

Because I know that you were as positively captivated with my cool artsy Easter eggs as I was...

I know that you will also be wildly interested and as entertained as I was when I saw what the insides looked like -

If you don't think this is cool then you're quite possibly broken! That is the inside of the egg, people (as in sans shell)!

In other news.... I might have embarrassed myself today. I've decided that if a person really wanted to be entertained all they would have to do is plant a hidden camera in my house and observe me when I'm alone.

I've discovered some old 80's tunes that I positively can't not dance to. I've loaded them on my snowblower/iPod. (I think maybe I haven't told you why it's called the snowblower.... I'll do that in another post.) Anyway... today I was cleaning house. I was also jammin' to some rad 80's tunes. *Like, totally groovy, dude*  I was really into it and I came to myself just in time to recognize that I was dancing and singing into a scrub brush in front of my back door. The troubling piece of that is the door is all glass. The neighbors behind us often hang out on their back porch. I turned red and danced away without looking to see if they were out there. I just can't bear to know.

I Think I've Decided...

I think I've made a life decision. BUT... I reserve the right to change my mind.

Since I was a child I've wanted to be a writer. Actually, when I was really little I wanted to be a librarian. That morphed though into wanting to be the writer of the books rather than the cataloger.

I've been kinda tortured by the idea of writing. I know I'm creative. I've just never successfully written anything. When I try I fail. The truth is the only things I write really well are personal letters and the occasional written explanation of how I feel about stuff.

I've been told for years by multiple people that I should write. The three recurring genre recommendations are children's books, thoughts of the day, and a memoir about foster care. I've thought a lot too about writing down in gory detail the events of my life. I love it when people like what I write. When I get compliments I feel SO GOOD about myself. BUT, I've taken all that in and rolled it together with my own dream of writing and the notion that my father is a published author and I've turned it into a pressure filled expectation. I've done that to myself.

I've decided to let myself off the hook. I'm done being tortured by the expectation. I don't expect myself to ever write anything for public consumption other than this blog. I don't think I have IT. I don't have the set of skills I need to pull it off. I get really frustrated when I try to develop an idea past a few paragraphs.

So, I will continue to write about everything and nothing right here. And... if I never write or sell anything I will be ok with that.

Ahhhh... I feel better.

Paranoid Much?

Yes... I am.

We're participating in this class on attachment disorder (so as to better understand the little damaged people who live in our house).

This class is run by two shrinks(Child Psychologists) and a doorknob (Social Worker). Really they're very sweet people and I like them but they chose their professions so they have to live with their titles.

They are videoing this class (for posterity's sake). Last week they had the camera in a stationary position. Unfortunately that position had it looking right at me. It was uncomfortable but I could deal with it because it didn't move around and I could pretend that it wasn't even on.

Well.... this week "the doorknob" stood behind it and basically stalked us as we sat there and participated in the class. I thought perhaps I was being paranoid that the camera was aimed at me A LOT. I didn't say anything. BUT, when we were on a break Hubby Guy stated that he noticed the camera was on me A LOT.

My brother was adopted. When I was a kid I had a recurring thought.  I used to wonder if it was really me who was adopted and they just didn't want me to know. I wondered often if there was something I didn't know. I thought I knew all the facts but wondered if people were just humoring me.

I watched this disturbing episode of television once where the main character woke up in a mental hospital and the life she thought she had was all just an elaborate dream.

Tonight this is the truly paranoid, freako thought that was going through my mind: What if "the class" is just a ruse to study ME! Yikes! Maybe at some point they're gonna haul me away to the crazy house!

I have a VERY vivid imagination! You'd think at some point I'd come up with something productive to do with all the crazy stuff I think up.

I Lost It.... on to other things

A couple days ago I thought of something really cool (and funny) to blog about. For whatever reason I didn't sit down and write it. I just knew that I would remember. I haven't. I lost it.

Here's my newest observation on human behavior.

I have a friend (....really I do). This friend is mondo cool. She's one of those people you just want to hang out with all the time.  Lately, though, she's been stressed out. I've learned that when she's really stressed out and she asks you a question, you can't answer it the way you normally would. Instead, you have to very quickly and concisely answer the question exactly the way she wants it answered or she gets really frustrated with you. (Something I'm incapable of doing - I'm a painfully slow thinker) Also I've found it's best not to ask her any questions regardless of how badly you think you want the answer and just know that she has it. The person who normally is very merciful and gracious turns into a very short fused, rather unkind person.

I didn't tell you that so you'll think poorly of my friend. Don't. I still love her and think she's mondo cool. And, I still want to hang out with her (just not right now).

I told you that because I was thinking through the situation and have come to a conclusion.

A lot of attention is given to teaching social behaviors like being kind and polite, etc. I do think those things are important. Doesn't it seem, though, that we miss the chapters in the "Social Stuff 101" text about how people are fallen and imperfect? I don't think anyone ever said to me "Stef, people aren't perfect and they behave inconsistently. All the pleases, thank you's, and excuse me's aren't gonna be enough to know how to deal with some people on some days." Granted, we learn that eventually. I think with the absence of formal instruction on the topic, my first inclination is to internalize or take personally that my friend has been a booger lately. Truthfully, though... I'm a booger sometimes too. We all are. I has served me well to remember that.

I think it would have been neat to witness Jesus dealing with the disciples when they woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Were his feelings hurt when they were cranky or snippish with him?  Did he want to roll his eyes at them or thump them behind their ear? I'm betting he was just as gracious with them then as he was when they weren't being boogers.

It seems like so much of the strife between people that I hear about comes from the notion that we're only nice to people when they are being nice to us. Instead of being gracious and considering the other person, we internalize and dish it back out to them. I'm so grateful that God has forgiven me for being a booger sometimes as an example for me to forgive the boogerish behavior of others.

See The Art In Me

I don't really consider myself artsy.

Every now and then though I do something like this:

 and I think maybe there's a sliver of artistic flair in me. I had SO MUCH fun!

I gotta know, though.... is it a sin to DEVIL Easter eggz?  :)

And... since I'm blogging I'll throw in some random stuff.

Last night I managed to lay hold of an Easter dress for myself...AND I did it with the girls with me. They were so good! They gave opinions and were nice and quiet in the dressing room while they were waiting for me to try on our choices. It was cute. I even heard them complimenting some other ladies who were trying on stuff. I so look forward to when they're a little bit older so they can keep me looking age appropriate yet trendy. Teenage girls are good for that.

We now have a person who is very interested in our house. She has to sell her house in PA though. Bummer! As much as I'm excited that someone loves it, it doesn't help that they can't buy it yet. Hopefully her house will sell or someone else will come along soon.

On How I Would Like To Kick Some Backsides & Thank My Savior

Every now and then I remember that I didn't birth my children.

On occasion things happen that put me squarely in that place that makes me feel like I'm living in a Lifetime movie.

For whatever reason, last night my oldest decided to share a secret. After more than 2 years with me, she has finally opened a dialogue about something that happened in her life 4 years ago. It felt very cool that she trusted me enough to tell me.

Witnessing her sheer terror and listening to what she's feeling about what happened made me REALLY angry. Knowing that I couldn't hold her tight enough or say enough soothing things to make her pain go away was a really helpless feeling. There are people in our community walking around free that are responsible for my child's pain. It's just wrong.

BUT... something she said was SO COOL. She spoke some about why she doesn't talk about it. She said one of the biggest reasons why she felt like she didn't need to hold onto it anymore was because she felt like God was telling her to get rid of it. How cool is that? To witness Christ moving in your child's life is AWESOME!!!

Our adoption should be complete in 20 days. It will be a beautiful day. What I'm hoping and praying, though, is that it will be the first day of the rest of their lives. They've been with us for more than 2 years. That day, though, they will be fully ours. I really hope that gives them some peace. I hope it will be a catalyst that helps them want to tear down some walls. There's still so much that they just won't talk about.

Heaven only knows how many backsides I'm gonna want to kick when it's all said and done.