On The Two Camps

Most often when I use the word "family", I use it in a very broad sense.

This Thanksgiving will be spent with family. I have no blood relationship with the persons with which I will be spending Thanksgiving. To me, family has to do with SO MUCH more than blood.

In my lifetime there have been two camps of important people. The first camp does have to do with my birth and heritage. From them I got my curly hair, pale skin, and silly streak. The second camp of people is very large. That camp is full of the people that have impacted my life positively.

The family I plan to dine with on Thursday is from my second camp. We aren't related. I didn't spend my childhood with them. I did, however, grow up with them. They took on the responsibility of shepherding me through some tough years of my life. They were there for me when my first camp couldn't be. They helped shape the "me" I am today.

I have no statistical data, but I feel assured in saying that if we could draft our own personal "broad definition families", each person would pull together a pretty unique looking group. I think everyone has a second camp.

This Thanksgiving I'm super grateful for my super large second camp. I claim so many people in my "broad definition family"! We may not share bloodlines, but we've done life together. We share a bond. And....we're cute!

On Small Communities and Large Needs

On more than one occasion I've described the community where I live as "a God forsaken cow town". It is directly opposite anyplace I've ever lived size-wise.

Small towns do have perks, like less traffic. I find myself torn, though. I can't decide if less traffic is a decent trade for a general lack of specific resources.

I coach a rag-tag high school gymnastics team. I call them rag-tag because they give heart and soul to the sport of gymnastics with very few items that gymnasts in a larger market would take for granted, like basic equipment necessary for the sport. I LOVE them for that.

I spent my afternoon crafting a letter that I plan to send to 2 large gymnastics equipment manufacturers. I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask for equipment donations.

As I was writing the letter I couldn't help but feel several things. First, I feel very proud of the girls at TA who love gymnastics so much that they endure the conditions in which we train. They really are awesome girls. I'm also grateful that our school continues our program and recognizes what an opportunity it is for students in our county. Secondly I'm frustrated that we live in a market that can't afford the basics. I'm also frustrated that the playing field between sports isn't even within our own school. We live in a society where unfortunately economics are solely numbers driven. How cool would it be if each activity was granted needs based on value and specialty instead of just granting the most money to the sport that fills the most seats or fields the most athletes?

I'm generally a very low key, not-very-activist-type of person. I'm feeling, however, really desperate for my program. I can't describe adequately how much I love gymnastics. I want the girls where I live to have the same experience with it that I did. In order for that to happen, our team needs some stuff.

Our equipment is failing and the school district has limited the types of activities we can do to fund raise. That's so frustrating. I'm at a loss. I need a person who specializes in development to help me boost our program.

On Self Awareness and 6 Pairs of Eyes

I would generally describe myself as being overly self aware. I am that person that wonders if I have a booger hanging out or if I have dirt on my face, etc. BUT, there are two places in life where I feel really free.

If you ever want to be entertained, you will put a hidden camera in my kitchen. I confess. When no one is home, I turn the music up. I dance, sing, and generally make a fool of myself. It feels really good.

The other place where I give myself a break is in the car. My car has a really great sound system. Good strong bass and an infectious beat make me a happy girl.

The thing that I find interesting is that I often get busted for singing and dancing in the car. If I was really as self aware as I claim, it seems like I would be more careful about being a fool in my vehicle. I'm not careful at all and that has resulted in some pretty embarrassing moments.

Well..... I got some new "happy" music last night. My car is my very favorite place to listen to new music. I turn it up loud and party from Point A to Point B. So when I got in this morning I cued it up before I ever even left the driveway. I already had my boogie on before I got to the end of the street.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you were very involved in what you were doing but had a growing awareness that perhaps you were being watched? I realized mid-boogie this morning that I was sitting at a stop sign behind the elementary school bus. The little guy sitting in the back seat had witnessed the spectacle of "car boogie" and as I became completely aware of what was going on he was demonstrating to his closest friends what he had seen. Pretty soon there were 6 little pairs of eyes staring at me. *busted again*  Fortunately for me the bus turned the opposite direction and I could resume my party.

On Lies of Omission

The older I get, the more I realize how very much I value transparency. I find that I'm much quicker to offer mercy to the person who doesn't hold back.

When I consider the negatives of my childhood, some very specific issues stick out to me as being "biggies".

Our family was a giant lie. We looked like we had it together. We pretended like we had it together. We were ANYTHING BUT transparent. When I was really little I didn't know or get that. When I got to be in high school/college and started developing my own worldview and it became time to adopt my own sense of self and how to live I got really angry,and I mean REALLY angry. I basically cut off communication with my parents. I considered them big fat liars. I was able to identify what went wrong and I didn't like it at all.

For a very long time I was bitter.

As an adult I find that I can tolerate lots of things. I HATE, however, dishonesty. I would much rather murder someone with truth than spare feelings with lies. Perhaps I've swung too far in the opposite direction of my upbringing. It's how I am, though. I'm fond of that quality in me and appreciate it when I find it in others.  

Our family is very different from the ones my husband and I grew up in. We're somewhat of a special circumstance as well. It's a circumstance for which I believe we are well suited.

Honesty and realness are very important in our household. It's an expectation of mine.

The drama continues to unfold in the girls' biological family. Everything kind of came to a head last night. I'm angry because the truth was kept from us. Full disclosure wasn't offered until we pressed the issue. Full disclosure was only offered when they realized they were caught. That gets all over me. When they did tell what happened, it was cloaked in excuses. As far as I'm concerned. It was just more of the same from them. It's a clear example of why I can't offer trust to that family. That muddys our waters around here a whole lot. It's unfortunate for the girls.

But... opportunity was there to come clean last week. The choice made by the person who needed to fess up was silence. In my book that's a lie of omission and sometimes those are even more harmful than blatant lies.

On The Stuff Roads Wrap Around

I live in a really great spot. It's both city and country at the same time. It's just a few minutes from big civilization and a few minutes from really rural. I have the best of both worlds very nearby.

There's a country road a couple blocks from my house where I like to go for walks. A few months ago I was out there walking. While I was walking I started really studying the area. I noticed all kinds of neat things. As usual, my imagination spurred my thought process.

Here's what I thought about for the rest of the walk: How I see where I live is generally defined by the roads, not by what the roads wrap around.

I began to consider the people and the lives that are lived out in the middle of what the roads wrap around. I've always lived with a road out in front of my house. There are lots of people who don't. I'm guessing that others are like myself when I say that my world begins at the front door of my little spot on the globe. Given that all houses don't have a road in front of them, I would imagine the worlds of others begin and end very different from mine.

It occurred to me too that I don't go "off road" very much, literally or figuratively. Literally, I go few places where there isn't solid concrete poured from A to B. Figuratively I don't either. My life is very generally A to B driven. Rarely do I have an "off road", "out of the box", or "outside my comfort zone" experience. I certainly don't seek those out.

Recently I blogged about living a life counting on supernatural provision. My brain wheels have yet to stop spinning on that concept. I think one of the primary stealers of a life lived full of faith is that we are conditioned to not stray from the path. It's much easier to stick to the roads that we know. I do it. Every now and then, though, my eyes wander from the road. There's a big piece of me that is drawn to those places. I can't help but wonder if the greatest things the Lord has in store for us are out in the places the road wraps around.

On Family Fun

Of one thing I am absolutely certain...... my children will have fun stories to tell my grandchildren from when they were kids. Our household has actually been described as a "like a circus". All of our individual weirdness combined makes for a really interesting environment sometimes.

One of the things we enjoy as a family is lurking in dark corners and scaring one another. It was actually the children that initiated that particular game that we play. They truly love a good scare.

The best thing happened last night. Scott and I went to small group and left the kids at home. Upon our return, when we pulled into the garage and before the truck was even turned off we could hear super loud music coming from inside the house. I have a boom box in the kitchen and it's against the garage wall. Well, the music was so loud that they obviously hadn't heard the garage door going up or the truck pulling in. They didn't hear the truck doors close when we got out either. It was the perfect occasion. I flung open the kitchen door and jumped in and yelled. Aliera froze and after a long 2 second delay screamed like she was being killed. Ashlyn doubled over from a near heart attack. It was awesome!

The only trouble we have now is that once someone scares someone really good they become a target. I have a feeling I'm in big trouble. :)

On NOT Being A Helicopter Parent

I had the most interesting experience yesterday.

Background: I told my oldest child that she had to be "grades eligible" in order to attend the Homecoming dance at school. I told her that before school even started in August.

SO for the last 2 weeks the child has been grades INELIGIBLE. She has been fully aware and done nothing about it.

This past week she keep asking to make plans with another girl to get ready and go to the dance together. I repeatedly told her that making plans was a bad idea and not to commit to anything because the  likelihood of her being allowed to go was slim. Apparently, she made plans with the other girl anyway. She didn't inform the girl that likely she would be unable to go because of grades.

So yesterday..... I got a call from the other girl's parent wanting to "clarify" what was going on. The conversation was, in a word, "awkward". I told her the truth. I got the sensation that she wanted me to change my mind and let my daughter go so her daughter wouldn't be so upset. I also got the distinct impression that she wanted me to apologize. I did apologize a little, but honestly, it wasn't my apology to give. My daughter made the mess. It's her mess to clean up.

What I keep going back to is "Why did she call me?" The issue was between our daughters. It should have been dealt with between our daughters. I don't ever want to be that parent. Especially over something like this. The other kid has a ticket and a dress. Her other friends will be at the dance. She's embarrassed to walk in alone. I can understand that. However, she will still have a blast at the dance. What my kid did will ultimately cause her exactly two minutes of possible discomfort. It's not like it really cost her anything. Yet, her parent thought it was worth a phone call. Really?

I want my children to learn NOW how to deal with disappointment, learn how to deal with other people, learn who not to trust, etc. Those  are the battles that I will coach them through, but not fight for them. That particular skill set is so valuable in life.

My kid did ultimately get an earful from me about how her dishonesty hurt her friend. She did call her friend and apologize. She is still going over to her house to help her fix her hair and do her makeup and get all prettified. All is right with the world. I'm just left with a great example of how I don't want to be. I don't ever want to be a helicopter parent.

On Changing for the Better

I have a splendid idea... Only, it's too late because I just thought of it and I needed to start a long time ago.
If I had a time machine I'd skip through time. Here's what I would do at each stop.

I would take a picture of little Stef growing up. I'd put it in a journal, of sorts, and I'd interview little Stef and make notes about her personality.

It would look/sound a lot like this:

Eh picture:   Quiet, shy, scared of own shadow
Ugly picture:  Quiet, shy, scared of own shadow
Hideous picture: Quiet, shy, nerdy, scared of own shadow
Eh picture:  Quiet, shy, somewhat athletic, nerdy, still very much afraid of own shadow
Decent picture: Quiet, very athletic, socially awkward, shadow very scary, control freak
Pretty good picture: Quiet, really awkward, taking a machete to jungle of life - creating path, still big control freak

Then...... BLAMO!!!!  Several years pass and it looks more like this:

Decent Picture: Quiet, smart, confident, silly, not afraid of shadow.

Last night something very odd happened. I was at the home of a buddy of mine. It was girls night and several of us sat around eating yummy food and telling stories. It was great fun. BUT, as I was walking out the front door, my buddy smacked my backside! WHAT?! I just kept talking, but I walked away questioning. She has never done that before. Apparently our relationship has crossed over from friends to really good friends? Not sure. Anyway, it got me thinking.

When I run that scenario across my personalities through the years, my reaction would definitely have been very different. When I was in my mid twenties one of my crazy friends grabbed my backside in a moment that made perfect sense to what was going on. Everyone there saw and laughed hysterically except me. I got IRATE. I didn't speak to her for a long time afterward. I was dumb because if you heard the story you would think it was funny too. I even think now that it was funny. It just wasn't well received at the time because I was ridiculously rigid.

I realized last night that I've come a long way. I still didn't appreciate my backside being slapped but I didn't freak out and embarrass myself. And, I don't hold a grudge. I still love my buddy. The truth is we're friends because she is crazy and I do enjoy a healthy dose of crazy every once and a while.

I'm grateful to be aware of how God has molded me through the years. Too often I encounter people who it seems have decided who they are and are unwilling to entertain the notion that time and circumstances can actually change a person for the better. I think that's sad.

Did You Know....

Did you know that on the shelf above my desk is a stuffed pig perching on the top of a monkey's head? Well.... it's true.

On Clean Living

I have a friend that used to always say, "Now that's what I call clean livin'". He always said it after particularly serendipitous moments in life. He was (and likely still is) fantastic at marking moments that otherwise may not stick out for being great.

Tonight I went to a talent show at the high school with my oldest. It was fun. Some of the acts were really good, some were mediocre and one was downright awkward. I wish I had a video of the awkward performance.  Unfortunately, as much as I try to teach the child manners, etc., some things are just so ferociously weird that home training loses. This particular performance was one of those moments. Within the first few seconds my child was doubled over silently laughing so hard that her whole seat was moving. Fortunately it was dark so no one saw but me. I spent the whole performance,though, trying to squelch her hysterics so she wouldn't embarrass both of us. The truth too is that trying to calm her down helped squelch the giggles that were threatening to spill out of me too.

As we were leaving, we were laughing about it. It occurred to me that I was hanging out with my high school kid and we're close. She wanted me to go to an event with her at her school. She wasn't embarrassed to be seen with me. She sat with me even though a pile of kids greeted her and offered for her to sit with them.

Now that's what I call clean livin'!

On the Timing of Relationships

I've been thinking recently about the timing of relationships.

When I did a mental survey of my friends and how we got to know one another I was amazed.

Some of my friend relationships were love at first sight. With those people I feel like there was no lead in time. We just seemed to have known each other forever.

Other friends I got to know through another person or through a common event. Those friendships are fun because usually they begin with shared experience and inside jokes.

There is a third group of friends that I find infinitely interesting. These people start as random people that you see here and there and you know their face but you don't know or speak to them. Then one day all of the sudden you find them right square in the middle of your "homies". You find out that they are right interesting and that you like them a lot. I always find myself asking the question "Why did I not know this person before?"

When I look though my Facebook friends there is a very clear stratification of people. Very few of those friends, however, are from the third group. This is what got me thinking about the topic. I was thinking about our individual journeys through life. I'm certain that how we relate to people has everything to do with what's going on in life. I think maybe sometimes we aren't ready for people and they aren't ready for us. I'm guessing that's a rarely counted blessing. I know for certain that there are times in my life where it's best I not be subjected to people at all, especially new ones.

On Personalities

I wrote once before about a personality test a friend sprung on me because she was trying to figure me out. A lot of people would say to her "May the force be with you!". Anyway... I went back to the website and took the official test. You can take the test here: Shape Psychology

In seems that everything in the last 2 years has changed except my personality. Here's what is has to say about me.

It's remarkably correct.

Hubby Guy has said for years that he plans to "fun me up". It appears his mission is futile. :)

On Being Just Off Plumb

There's a girl I work with that I TOTALLY want to look like. Am I the only girl who thinks of stuff like that?

I call her look Geek Chic. She's not geeky at all though. She's a really snappy dresser but has a really intelligent air about her. She has really cool glasses and a trendy hair cut. She isn't uppity either. I love that about her. If I looked so put together I might think about being uppity. 

In other news, an odd thing happened today.

I was talking to my friend. She's also the big boss but at that moment she was in friend mode. See this to further understand that dynamic. Anyway... she was talking to me and I felt oddly disoriented like I was caught between reality and a parallel dimension. I WAS listening to her, just with subtext on my part. Am I the only person who does that?

I'm starting to wonder if my creativity puts me in that category of people who are just off plumb.  

On Not Being A Millionaire

When I was thinking about a predicament I find myself in, the lyrics to a Calloway song from 1990 came to mind - I Wanna Be Rich.

As you likely know, I coach a high school gymnastics team. I really do love coaching. I REALLY love gymnastics.

The trouble I'm having is I HATE fundraising. And.... this year the rules changed resulting in the school needing to buy 3 new mats for beam to the tune of $3100. Yikes!!!!  Fortunately the school district agreed to pay 1/2. Talk about a buzzkill!

So we've met and have several events in the hopper. It's happening, but it's stressful.

In my utopia money grows on trees. I just keep waking up in reality. I don't really like this reality place. It isn't very convenient.

The Yogi to My Boo Boo

Ok... the blog monster has awakened.  My brain got all explody about Beth Moore and I wrote it down. Usually when I write one thing I feel inspired to write more things. Let's see how long it lasts this time. :)

So there's this really cool chic at church who is a yoga instructor on the side. She decided to be a doll and yogafy us church ladies on a weekly basis. The brand of yoga that we do I call "yogurt". I call it that because it goes down easy (unless you're my girl Cathy) and is good for you. My children even ask if I'm going to "yogurt" and if she's gonna kick my hiney. (Because on occasion that happens)

So I named the cool chic Yogi because she's in charge of yogurt, then whilst out in the world doing my thing I learned that practitioners of yoga are called yogis. This completely stole the fun of it from me. I had NO IDEA. I meant like Yogi the cartoon bear! I even named myself Boo Boo to add to the effect. 

Anyway, she is teaching us to do basic yoga without all the eastern mysticism. I consider it a very counter-Stephanie activity. I'm not sure I'm cut out for it. I do it anyway, though, because it intrigues me. It's the most bizarre activity I've ever participated in.

The fun part of this new activity for me has been trying to figure out how to get my brain to shut up. Part of the process is focusing your brain and relaxing. More often than not I realize while trying to clear my brain that I've watched entirely too many episodes of Looney Tunes. Just last week during the relaxation part I had a conversation between Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck playing on a loop in my brain. It's a good thing my Yogi is a cool chic else she might see me grinning while I'm supposed to be relaxing and tell me to take my Looneys and leave. That would be a travesty.

In my past few posts I was talking about living a faithful life. What's cool about Yogi is that she decided to yogafy us church ladies out of her desire to live a faithful life. I think it's cool that living a faithful life looks markedly different for every person. For me it's my "mystery what", for Yogi it's ministering to women using a really unusual tool. I love God for that. I love the diversity that exists across believers.

What is is that God wants YOU to do? What can you do for the kingdom that will require a little supernatural provision?

On Faith (Part 5)

So what does all this mean? *Heavy Sigh*

Beth made several points about faith. One of those points was: Faith faces the fact that there is no formula. That statement really resonated with me. I'm a creature of habit. Even so, I love the statement that says something like "you can't do the same things the same way and expect different results". I will confess to clinging desperately to a rather formulaic brand of Christianity.

Though I'm not telling you about the "mysterious what", I'll tell you this. I get it. But, what I feel led to do doesn't jive with my formulaic thinking. Thus the need for further conversation with the Lord. The beautiful part, though, is that it addresses long term niggling thoughts that I've had about my life. Yay!

Now I'm officially done writing down all I was thinking. I feel kinda sad about that.

The End

On Faith (Part 4)

So, armed with my mystery what, I checked back in to Beth's talk. I didn't really check out, but I substituted the word what when she used the word fear to see what else I could learn.

Beth asked this question at some point: "Do you want to live in the supernatural provision of God or in just a humanly explainable life?" I totally got what she was trying to say. When I was living my life of "fullness" it was absolutely comfy, easy and perfectly explainable. To live in the supernatural provision of God is to live beyond myself, to do those things that require actual faith. From my viewpoint of miserable sinner, that supernatural provision stuff is a tall order because it means I have to *big gulp* climb out of my comfort zone. From the mountaintop of the LPL conference that seemed a lot more do-able.

So at small group this week we started a study on Service. Funny how when God is talking to you the same message comes from all directions. This week I've already had to fight whining with God over how completely unprepared I feel for accomplishing my "non-so-mystery-anymore what." I don't know why, like a little brat kid, I always want to scream and holler and kick my feet and fight God when He tells me what He wants me to do. I can say, though, that I am grateful when he coddles me and encourages me and shows me how it can't possibly be as bad as I think it will be.

Those that know me are familiar with "the face" I always seem to have that gives others the impression that I'm mad, sad, homicidal, or something like it. I know this face because I inherited it. It's part of my genetic make-up and nothing can be done about it. I'm also not a giant fan of chatting up people I don't know or big crowds of people. Funny story, a few months back my job on sunday morning became sitting at the WELCOME CENTER, of all places. If you know me, you have my permission to giggle at that notion. Technically my job is checking in children. It just so happens that where I sit says Welcome Center really big over the top of my head. My dear friend pointed out that she considers this activity clearly outside my comfort zone. It occurred to me that she's right. I do it anyway, though, because it needs done and I'm there early anyway because my oldest has youth group before church. So in thinking through this activity it also occurred to me that I'm able to be successful at the job because of supernatural provision. Yay! I'm doing something right. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you have to rush out and do the thing you hate in order to be faithful. I am saying that when we fill ourselves up with faith we are capable of more. And I'm no super Christian so a little supernatural provision must go a long way.

Another question Beth asked was: "Can I recount God's faithfulness to me?" I would say yes. The above example is just one of many, many examples I can think of. When I think, though, of all of the time I've walked with the Lord I'm sad to think that the greater majority of it has been from a very comfy place. That's the pervading point of all of this for me. I would really like to do more great things for God. He has done lots of great things for me.

On Faith (Part 3)

The continuing words connected to trying to process my weekend.

The second point that got my attention was this. She shared a little drawing she had made in her notes that I can't draw here, but it stood for "If nothing is coming down that must mean something is up!". When I moved to where I am now and started trying to reconfigure life, my goal at the time was to try to recapture what I had in my mid to late twenties. Like I said before, I didn't understand. So I prayed for the same thing over and over. DUH! I failed to realize that something must be up. Hindsight is 20/20, right? When I look back now it's obvious that something was definitely up.

8 years ago I found myself in what at the time I called "A God Forsaken Cow Town". I hated it. Most of the reason I hated it was because of the aforementioned emptiness I felt. My Hubby Guy had been going to a church he thought was pretty cool. It definitely had it's good points. It wasn't, however, gettin' it done for me.  So we started what could only be described as a very underwhelming church search. The town where we live is a tough place. It's small and weird. I felt like Goldilocks trying to find her place in bear world. It was just ridiculous trying to find the right fit. It took time that I didn't feel like I had. We did eventually settle on a place where we could both be happy. It's been 6 years. Yay! I mention this time in my life because it's an important part of my story and actually was brought to mind while "chewing". See On Faith (Part 2)

Beth spent some time talking about the concept of serving God from a place of faith instead of a place of "fullness". She spoke about having the abundant life we're called to - the life Christ died for (John 10:10) For whatever reason, I don't think I had ever considered what having a spiritually abundant life looks like and how that's accomplished. I've always loved that verse and the concept but never spent time actually thinking about how it's fleshed out. On the way home, my dear friend, asked the question "What does faithfulness look like in daily life?"  She was WAY AHEAD of me on that one. I've pondered the question since then. What we heard this weekend absolutely begs the question.

Saturday afternoon Beth started talking about an overwhelming fear that she had struggled with. I felt like it was a complete aside. Fear isn't something that I struggle with regularly. She was talking about how fear often is what steals our ability to live faithfully. So since that particular issue wasn't a biggie for me I started praying that God would reveal to me what the biggie for me is that steals my ability to live faithfully.

 Pretty soon after landing feet first on a solid place church-wise, I started feeling a pretty strong calling. The odd part was I didn't know to what. I've wrestled with that odd notion for a while. As I was sitting there praying Saturday,  a word came to mind. I have no reason to believe it wasn't an immediate answer to prayer. Cool, right? The word that came to mind was the word WHAT. The crazy, good part was that I knew immediately what He meant. He was speaking directly to mystery "what" that I feel called to. So, feeling particularly buoyed in spirit, I asked for the mysterious "what" that I feel like I've been chasing for years. I felt bold enough to ask for specifics. Apparently, He was feeling chatty and I got my answer.

Now, if you REALLY know me and know the uninhibited crazy-girl in me, you can probably imagine exactly how "Daffy Duck" I went on the inside over this revelation. For the rest of you, the majority, I will say only that words are hard to come by that adequately relate the joy I felt.  I got a Word and it was a very personal Word. I can't remember another time in life where that has happened with such a quickness.

I'm not going to share with you my mystery what. I feel like it's a jumping off place for lots more conversations with the Father. I will, however, tell you that I have more to say. Tune in for Part 4. :)

On Faith (Part 2)

 OK... so I went to an LPL event on saturday. See On Faith Part 1 for background.

The easy part of an LPL event is the external experience. It starts with phenomenal worship. Then Beth comes to the stage and just starts talking about life and sharing stories from her life and the lives of those close to her. I am drawn in at that point. It's odd to me that I could be in a room with 6,ooo people and feel as if I was sitting in someone's living room. I will admit that there have been times in my life where I was more drawn to a person than what they had to say. As much as I would relish an opportunity to sit and talk with Beth, I would readily trade the opportunity just to hear from her whatever it is the Lord has put on her heart to share.

The hard part of an LPL event is reconciling the internal experience. Each event is different message-wise. All are deep. Saturday's event was internally insane for me. It's the reason why I'm feeling so very wordy. I feel like I got served something very meaty. I'm tired from chewing but feel like I have a long way to go yet. If you've ever watched the show "Man Vs. Food" you are familiar with the term "meat sweats". That's precisely where I figuratively feel I am now.

The driving point of the event was faithfulness. She compared life events for two unnamed women in the Bible (II Kings 4) and challenged us to consider where we fall on the spectrum between those two women. She talked about Girl A who had practically nothing and a big faith and Girl Z who had practically everything and had lost track of how to live a life of faithfulness. As usual, what Beth had to convey was rich. That's the best word I can use to describe how she teaches.

The first idea Beth shared that struck me was the notion that if you take the word "faith" out of "faithfulness" you are left with "fullness". When I was in my mid twenties I was part of church where I was involved with EVERYTHING. Part of the reason for that was that I was young and single. The social culture of the church was to participate in everything. I wasn't unhappy at all. I truly loved the ministries I was involved with. But, when I got married and moved away I was taken out of that culture. In my new town I began immediately to struggle with an extreme feeling of emptiness. I was paralyzed with fear, doubt, and confusion. I was just at a loss. Though, in the past 8 years I've come to terms with a lot of that, I was never able to understand so clearly what was wrong before. It occurred to me that the life I was living in my mid to late twenties was all about "fullness". The things I was participating in weren't unpleasing to God but didn't require faith on my part. In those years I was clearly like Girl Z. I felt like I had everything and didn't really need anything. I didn't even realize I needed a miracle.

On Faith (Part 1)

This weekend I went to a Living Proof Live event. Beth Moore is the speaker at these events. In my opinion, LPL is the best event available for women who want a Word from the Lord without all the hype and infomercials that other events of it's nature come with. Beth Moore is a dynamic speaker and I have found more often than not that we set off in a direction and you think you know what's going down and then out-of-the-blue the holy spirit launches a sneak attack. That is exactly what happened to me on Saturday.

Last year we went to an event in Baltimore, MD. I was the trip planner and several things happened that tilted my slight OCD brain. Unfortunately, I didn't hear a word she said all weekend. The enemy successfully hijacked my thoughts and had me mentally careening back and forth between anger and feelings of complete inadequacy. I was the trip planner again this year and made a pretty rock solid itinerary that warded off any of the bobbles that happened last year. Moreover, I traveled this year looking for a Word from the Lord and was dedicated to not becoming side tracked. I'm pleased to report a successful mission.

As I write this post I am not completely convinced that I will publish it. I do, however, need desperately to try and organize my thoughts about the things that happened and what I heard over the weekend.

First of all, 11 women went on this trip from our church of  less than 300. I don't really know how many members our church has. Typical adult attendance on Sunday is somewhere just south of 200 on a  really good day. I found that spectacular. There would have been several more but there was another fun thing on the same weekend and unfortunately you can't be in two places at once. I don't know that in the 10 year history of the church there has been a women's trip so well attended. So Yay!

The event date we chose was a one day only event. We decided to make 2 days of it because there was a several hour drive to get to the venue. So we set out on friday morning armed with an air-tight itinerary. Our first stop was a couple hours out at a mall for lunch. I include this is my recalling of the story because it's the first place something wonderful happened.  We gathered food from our preferred establishments then rendezvoused in the middle of the food court to dine together. Interestingly enough, I chose a food court because I wanted to please as many as I could and figured everyone could go their own way, eat together, not eat together, or whatever. I chose the path of least resistance. What happened was magical. We all sat together to eat and chat. That in itself wasn't really magical but what it led to was. The conversation twisted and turned a bit but ended with us laughing really hard such that attention was drawn from all over the food court. We were even approached by a sweet older woman who teasingly told us to keep it down. I felt like that conversation really set us off on the journey together. The funny knit us together from the beginning and I felt like that was really important because we were a somewhat diverse group and a group that doesn't generally hang out together. I won't describe the rest of that day but it was spectacular and filled with several more golden bonding moments.

I've decided now to split this into more than one post. I'm feeling wordy and feel like I need to break it down. And, I've decided to post my experience and hope not to bore you to death. (All 2 of you who read this)

"Oh My Goodness, Oh My Goodness!!!"

This afternoon I talked to my favorite gymnastics coach EVER.

For years I've been searching for my gymnastics coach. When I survey my life and identify people that made a big difference in my life, she is on that list. I loved her so much. I lost track of her though.

Every couple years I earnestly search again. Yesterday I popped open Facebook, typed in her name, and there she was!!!!! I could hardly believe my eyes.

Earlier today she messaged me her number. So this afternoon we actually spoke on the phone. I'm on cloud 9.

You can say what you want about Facebook. Today, though, I'm in love. Without that particular social pile I still wouldn't have talked to someone who I've been missing.

I've heard the expression before that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or for a lifetime. The trouble I have with that statement is this: Sometimes people that are there for a reason or a season make lifetime impressions on us. When that impression is a positive one I hate that contact isn't ongoing.

I've said all along that I wish that I could just have my own island. The inhabitants of the island would be there by invitation only. Anna would ABSOLUTELY be there.

On Being Emotionally Bloody

Ick!!! The thing I hate most in the world is being hurt by people I love.

Why must relationships be so slippery?

This morning I got stabbed in the heart by someone I love. They have NO IDEA they hurt me at all. So here I sit....emotionally bloody.

I realize that over analyzing anything can be dangerous. I just can't help myself. Moreover, I can't tell a soul what actually happened, not even the bloggiverse. I don't want to hear the echoing I-told-you-so's.

That stinks!

On Feeling Loved

I was thinking today....imagine that.....time to sit and think. Sundays often afford me that luxury.  Anyway, I was thinking about a movie I saw recently. The actress does something in the movie that touches me every time I see the movie *one of my favorites*. That thought spun into me thinking about many people who are special to me.

I was considering what it is for me that shows me I'm loved by others. I'm not necessarily talking about love languages. I was thinking more about what attributes communicate non-verbally what I need to hear from people. I think the reason that scene in the movie gets to me is because it's exactly what I want from people.

Many years ago I was living with a family who loved on me and made me a part of them. One day I was playing with my little sisters. We had made chicken wings, beaks, and birdie feet to wear whilst performing our favorite song "The Chicken Dance". I took a picture of the two cute little girls doing the chicken dance. It's one of my favorite pictures for a couple of reasons. One reason is because those two girls are and have always been special to me and I love them dearly. The other reason is because in the background their mother is sitting on the couch looking at the scene smiling. The look in her eyes touches me every time I see that picture.

The movie I'm talking about is The Blind Side. There is a scene in the movie where Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock) goes looking for Michael. When she finds him she gets out of the car. The look in her eyes says SO MUCH. The best way I can decribe it is a gaze that you feel in your heart. It's the same look that the girl's mom has in the picture I referenced before.

I want to see in a person's eyes that they mean me no harm. I want to see on their face that I'm special in their book. I want them to look at me with a gaze that I can feel in my heart. I can honestly say that I'm fortunate enough to have people in my life that I feel give me that. It was a very warm-fuzzy realization.

The next thought I had was how COOL it will be for Jesus to look at me like that. As if simply being with Him wouldn't be enough to level me.... I'll melt a million ways. That's a really warm-fuzzy thought.

I'll end with this thought. If  I'm to be the Jesus others see then I want want to look at people like that. I want them to see His love in my eyes. I laugh because I'm not known for having a pleasant look on my face. What I do know, however, is that I'm a work in progress.

 

On Thawing Out Relationships

In the days before the internet and social media, my circle was pretty much limited to the people in my immediate area. As a person who has moved around a decent amount, that left pockets of people here and there that I pretty much lost contact with. Those people became "frozen" in my head. Those people never aged, moved, or changed interests. In my head, they remained right where I left them.

The thing I appreciate the most about Facebook is being able to see my friends' photos. It ushers them back into my mental timeline. It has provided me with a visual reminder of how full my life has been. I love that I can semi-tangibly keep certain people in my life.

If I could have one supernatural wish, it would be that we could travel at light-speed such that even though people live far apart we could visit regularly. That way really close relationships wouldn't be bound by time and geography. I could warp down to Georgia and hang out with my friends Cindy and Stacy. I would hope over to Alabama and hang out with blog friends Jennifer and Jamie because I'm certain that in real life (outside the internet) we would be great friends. I could keep closer tabs on family in Mississippi, Arizona, Colorado, and Florida. It would be awesome. 

Mid Blink Idea

I blogged about it being time to blink.  I'm at mid blink now. I have a month and a half left of gymnastics.
I had a really great idea today. It isn't even gymnastics related. That surprised me because my thoughts are so saturated with who needs to add what skills to what routines to up our routine values.

I'm not ready to reveal the idea yet. BUT... it's awesome and I can't wait until spring.

Um...yeah

I'm turning into my children.
My oldest started the habit of filling in the end of any story or thought with "um..yeah". This phenomenon just leaves the hearer to fill in the blanks.

Slowly the rest of the household is catching on.

The little one does it.

Now, apparently, I do it.

I was thinking about something to blog and I ...um, yeah.  It leaves much to be desired. :/