Perspectives

Kutless wrote this song "Perspectives"

It feels like your life's crashing down all around you
Let me ask if it's really so bad
Look at the world in it's suffering
Can you honestly tell me that know one else could understand All the hurting inside
Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment, Would you still be the same
A young child looks through a great stained glass window Watching the people go by Everyone seems to be wearing a red coat His mother sees jackets in white
Now he can't understand why does she see it this way
Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment, Would you still be the same Yesterday, you really couldn't see, By changing your angle a new world would be
Revealed to your once blinded eyes by moving a few degrees
Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes simply another perspective away
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment, Would you still be the same

That song came to mind this morning. I was standing in my office (3rd floor in a building on a hill to start with). I was filing and looking out the window because of where I was standing. I was listening to a different band that writes very contemplative lyrics. Something about looking out on the world really helps me put things into perspective.

I was considering the drama going on with my biological family. It's insane. In times like this I am SO NOT RELATED!!!

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday about how sometimes a couple of days worth of calming sure can lend perspective to a situation and can really keep things from escalating and turning into unnecessary conflict.

This time of year especially I feel like we're pulled by tradition and a societally placed system of "what you're supposed to do". I don't know about you, but that system causes me stress. I can't help but think that it is at least responsible for part of the prevalence of seasonal affective disorder seen this time of year. I buck it with everything I have. We don't even have a Christmas tree this year. It wasn't worth it to me.

Here's my Christmas and New Year offering to you:

I wish you perspective. If I could I would grant everyone the gift of discernment as it pertains to all things holiday related. May you not be bound by any manner of societal system but instead be controlled by the realization that God is in control and is the greatest gift giver of all time.


Merry Christmas to ya and Happy New Year!

I Have To Brag

I am SO EXCITED!!!!

As some of you know, each year during the winter season I coach gymnastics at the local high school.

The hardest thing about coaching high school girls is the mental/emotional aspect of the sport.

Last night was our first meet of the season. I did NOT have high hopes as we've had a bit of a rough start and too many kids in the gym to be able to adequately focus and getting done what needed to get done.

Well..... WE WON!! FIRST PLACE TEAM!!!! (Last year's pic)
This is my 5th season with the team and that has happened exactly never. That was the first time in 5 years. AND... to sweeten the evening, one of the biggest headcases on the team (and also arguably the best on the team) qualified for Regionals in the All-Around. If you don't know anything about gymnastics, that's HUGE!!! The second best on the team came within a 1/2 point of doing the same thing. Another girl came within 2 points. This is AMAZING!!

So now we can relax into the season. We've established some momentum that should carry us pretty far. I feel like every season we're fighting for the top. We've gotten so stressed out over who we need to beat that it has sabotaged our performance. With that first place notch in our belt, we can shift focus and really "tear-it-up".

I laid in bed until 1:30 am because I was so excited and keyed up. I'm still pretty keyed up. I can't wait for practice tonight!

Don't You Wonder...

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if instead of just thinking the good stuff you think about doing that you actually do it? I wonder about that all the time. Life goes much differently in my head than it actually turns out.

Sometimes too I wish that friendships between women were as easy as friendships between men. Men just punch each other in the arm and say something like "I like Craftsman tools" and they are bonded for life. Women have to work through each others emotional layers/walls. Now, I do find some sport/interest in the process. I do want to know all the stuff that you find out through the process. I just hate that sometimes it's difficult to know exactly how to proceed. I liken it to putting together puzzle pieces. Sometimes you have to work intensely to find just the right fit. With women I think sometimes that it takes a while to find out which edges line up.

I have a friend. She never did fall into the category of secret friends (See the last paragraph of this post for definition). She's a person who, after being around her a lot, I wanted to get to know. I never would have known that had I not been around her repeatedly. She is really kind and genuine. She's a perfect mentor type person. I've learned so much from her just by being around her. Anyway... we are working on what I would call a friendship. It's complicated. I want to know her well. BUT... I feel like "the process" is taking forever. I'm sure I'm guilty of overthinking the whole situation. I can't help myself!

Wouldn't it be nice if the process were the same with every person. "Secret Friends" are easy. Others aren't. I know this, though. Sometimes it's the friendships that are hard fought that end up being the biggest blessings.

*"You Light Up My Life" playing in the background*

Do you know what I love?

I LOVE reading all the blogs that I follow.

I also LOVE the people who take time to read my blog.

Thank you blog friends. You light up my life :)

So Yeah....

So.... It's confirmed. I have an unknown virus that will resolve on it's own. I just get to suffer until my body fights it off.

What fun!

Complete Stress... or a Lack Thereof?

I have a very laid back personality. Things just don't usually get to me as quick as they do to the general populus.

I'm enduring a bit of a weird medical mystery at the moment. Don't freak out, I'm fine. It's just a nuisance really, but an odd nuisance.

Last night it was suggested to me by Hubby Guy that perhaps my condition is caused by stress.

I don't feel stressed. I feel fine. I'm generally happy and well adjusted.

Perhaps my condition is caused by the notion that my body feels stress even though I don't recognize it and has decided to manifest it's displeasure in creative ways.

I'm totally not down with that notion.

I've done lots of research and it all suggests that I'm not alone and just have an unknown virus that will ultimately resolve on it's own. Here's hoping!

I Just Don't Know....

I don't know what it is about holidays... especially Christmas.

In my family of birth all of the truly dreadful things that happen usually occur on or near Christmas.

This year it's that big end-of-life decisions are having to be made for my grandmother. Those decisions involve going through her house and deciding who might like to have what.

The realization of the upcoming splitting up of my grandparent's things has made me sad. The notion is not new. Everyone knew these actions were pending. I just don't understand why Christmas is when it has to happen. Can't we just celebrate and be normal and happy for Christmas?! Can't we save all manner of heartache for January?

And.... that could very well involve an unplanned stop through Mississippi on the way home from our anniversary cruise to load said items that might actually be given to me in the truck. I haven't even shared all this with Hubby Guy (Sorry, Hubby Guy... I love you and am grateful that you put up with the *expletive* my family occasionally pulls). This development happened this morning and I'm still trying to process all of it.

There's nothing like emotional baggage to ruin the Christmas spirit!

Watch Out World

I feel a whole mess of New Year's Resolutions coming on....

I'm just sayin'.

Echo...echo...echo...

Sometimes I question my life choices.

This time of year is just ridiculous!

It's gymnastics season which means I spend a LOT of time at the high school and when I am actually at home I spend lots of brain power working on choreography and making sure everyone has floor music, etc. I'm involved in a church committee thingy (that I really couldn't turn down for reasons to complicated to get into right now). It's time to Christmas shop and I haven't done anything yet. I'm teaching sunday school this week. I'm also attending a Bible study on thursday afternoons. Today there's even another home visit from a social worker, like I don't already have enough going on!

I MISS my friends!

I realize it's a trade off. I LOVE gymnastics. This is the only opportunity that exists in this area for me to participate with an actual team. I love the competition part of the sport. I taught in a local recreational gymnastics program for 2 years and hated it.

This morning on the way to work I was thinking about one of my friends and how I totally miss her. Then I saw my other friend just ahead of me (Steph) and wondered what's up in her life. (I tried to catch up to you and wave, but there was a slowbee in front of me who wouldn't get out of my way) It struck me that I might not ever know until February. I really hate that.

In other news.... there are exactly 24 days until Hubby Guy and I leave for our cruise. We will have been married 5 years on 12/31. How cool is that? The cruise will be awesome. It is right in the middle of gymnastic season, but fortunately it's over the Christmas holiday so I won't miss that much practice. It just means that I have to make sure all routines are solid here in the next week. The first meet is 12/16. After that it should be smooth sailing.

That's what's on my mind.

A Good One

'Twas the night before vacation and I was at Walmart....

The kid had asked for a book so I was in that section. You may or may not know this about me, but I'm a bookworm really bad! Once I pick up a book I can't put it down. I'm like the robot on the bad 80's flick "Short Circuit". If you know the movie you'll understand the reference "Ahhhh...input!" And... oh how I love to pick up a book. So, anyways, I was at Walmart in the book section. I thought to myself, "Self, you should get a book."

I feel I must take a moment to explain my method of book pickage. For the most part it hasn't failed me. That could have something to do with the notion that I'll read most anything.....anyway.... the first criteria when hunting for a good fiction paperback (yes, there's a difference for hardcover, but I won't bore you with that today.) is cover art. The good thing about the Walmart book section is that generally the covers face out. This makes the process much easier. This part is much harder at the library. The second part of the process is to read the synopsis on the back. The third and 4th parts of the process have to do with general storyline and reviews. On this particular trip, though, I zeroed in on one pretty quickly.

I finished it last night. It was really good. It should be a movie. It would make for a really good chic flick! Now... with that said.... it's written by a very secular author. Toward the end especially it had lots of very colorful language. I don't use that kind of language, ever. It was, however, warranted given what was happening in the story. I don't condone it but definitely understand it.

The book was ultimately happy and sad. It contained lots of dysfunction but was really honest and I believe very realistic about how life goes for those that don't have the Lord in their lives. I wondered at the end if the author has had lots of experience dealing with very callus so-called "Christians" who haven't the foggiest notion what an actual relationship with Christ is like. I would love for her to come to a saving knowledge of the Lord. She's a gifted writer. I could get really excited about nonsecular books written by her.

Anyway... I wanted to share an excerpt. It's so very good and ultimately relateable to the masses.

"I was standing in that place they call 'bittersweet'. That place that, if you could find it on a map, would be the mountain that sits between happy and sad. And I thought about how when you stand on that mountain, you can almost feel God's hand on your head and you just know, deep down inside, that even if you don't understand everything that happened to cause those mixed feelings, you still know there was a good reason for them happening."

I just love it. I feel like I've stood in that place they call "bittersweet". That's exactly how I feel right now about my children. I'm happy to have my family. I'm also very sad that the price for my new family was the utter destruction of another family. Though the destruction of that family isn't my fault, I'm sad for my children because even though their home life was bad, there was love there. DNA runs deep and there will always be a piece of them that doesn't belong to me. Sometimes that's really hard to stomach. The hardest part is that there is practically no one who understands. Adopting older children is emotionally difficult. The larger percentage of people who adopt choose to adopt a baby or a very young child. Unless you've walked the path that we've been on since 2/29/08 you can't understand. There aren't any words that lessen the emotional weight of it.

Sorry... I didn't mean to go all serious all of the sudden. That excerpt just really struck a cord with me. There are a couple of other excerpts too that are probably worthy of mention. "Bittersweet" though... that was good stuff. I call that particular book pickage a success.

A Rant and the Thanksgiving Report

First.... if you are reading this blog you are not included in the group below who I refer to as losers. You have redeemed yourself/ves from that category because you seek me out to read whatever I have to say on my page. I greatly appreciate your patronage!

So.... my birthday was 11/21 (saturday before last). It was the WORST birthday in recent history. Back several years ago I had several years of stinky birthdays. This one, though, was worse than those. One part of it's stinkyness was my own fault. I picked out and bought my own present from Hubby Guy. It was something that I really wanted and now love, but it meant I didn't get anything on my birthday. (Lesson #1: If you really want something near your birthday don't offer to let it be from someone else. Just buy it because you deserve it and leave it at that.) The next stinky thing was that my children were gonna make me a card but got in a fight and never finished. My youngest brought out 3 of her dollars to give me for my birthday. It was a truly sweet gesture but I couldn't accept. We were leaving the following day for vacation and that was gift shop money. I couldn't bear to take it from her. Instead, I asked her to be good all day and be sweet to her sister for my birthday. She didn't bother. She was a skunk all day and ended up getting sent to bed early. Next, MY OWN MOTHER didn't even call me. Only two of the people who are really close to me and should have called actually did. I only give the first call full credit because she actually remembered and called. I told her how unloved I felt and how no one but her had called. Shortly after I got off the phone, her youngest daughter called. I didn't pick up the phone because I was mad and irritated at all the losers in my life. I don't know if she was prompted or not. She does get at least 1/2 credit for actually calling even if she was prompted... but still. It was a horrible birthday. My mother ended up sending me a message on Facebook the next day. (OPINION: If you are an old acquaintance from high school or someone who doesn't know a person extremely well it's appropriate to leave a birthday message on Facebook. However, if you know a person well enough to say you love them and you think of them often..... you'd better call.) And.... I didn't even get a birthday dinner with my Hubby Guy. He had to work that night and we left for vacation at 2:30 the following a.m. to go to the airport. (Lesson #2: DO NOT schedule to leave for vacation the day after your birthday unless you have appropriate time to celebrate before you leave or unless said vacation is without children.)

On to another topic.... Thanksgiving....

My husband has an odd sense of humor. Most people think he's funny. I don't. BUT.... I learned this: Other people in his family ARE funny. The whole family met at his sister's house for Thanksgiving. It was really fun and the food was yummy. That was the first time since I've been part of the family that we were all in one place and nothing big like a wedding was happening. It was relaxed and good. It was nice to goof off with that side of the family. There were lots of "you just had to be there" kinds of funny stuff that happened. It wouldn't do to explain. Hubby Guy's family is lots more fun than my own family. They are quick to laugh and cut up at the kinds of dumb stuff that I appreciate. At the end of the evening we watched UP. I got the biggest kick out of Hubby Guy's mom "Grammy" laughing at the movie. She got so tickled once that she had to get up and leave the room to regain her composure. No one else was laughing but we started laughing at Grammy because she was practically doubled over. It turns out she was laughing at a funny part that we didn't laugh at because most of the rest of us had seen the movie before. The first time I saw that part I thought it was funny too.

The last day we were with "the fam" we had pictures taken. Grammy had arranged for a photographer to take bunches of pictures. He took pictures of the whole family as well as each family by ourselves. It was a pretty cool thing. He is gonna burn all the pictures on a disc and send it to us. We can then print whatever pictures we want. I can't wait to get my CD.

Kitty Kat Heaven ROCKS!!!

What Up World?! I'm Cairo... you can call me Pot-Pot. That's what my people called me.

I've been getting sicker and sicker for a while now. It was getting really hard for me to get around. My people were feeling really bad because they knew I wasn't feeling good and was in pain. I was having a hard time leaving my people because they are awesome and loved me very much. They kept telling me it was ok to go to sleep and not wake up. I just couldn't do it.

Because my people are awesome they took me to the vet lady this afternoon to help me go to sleep. Sometimes it really helps for wiser people to help you make decisions. I am SO GRATEFUL that my people loved me enough to help me get here. On the way up the angels tried to tell me how cool it was but it's far better than they said.

Let me tell ya where I am. It's called Kitty Kat heaven. It's very beautiful. It's a giant house and a giant yard. There aren't any yucky dogs here. There's nothing here that's allergic to me. There's tons of places to go and things to play with. What's really cool is that I have lots of energy and I don't hurt anymore. There's a river that runs through the house and the yard that has really yummy cold water... all I can drink! There are also lots of really great napping spots in the sunshine. When I'm in the mood for a good hunt there are lots of yummy birds and mice begging to be chased. The food is top notch!

The very best part of Kitty Kat heaven so far is that all us Kats get along great. I'm finally rid of that punk white Kat at my people's house that was always chasing me and biting my tail. I definitely got the better end of this deal. If I had known that this is what was waiting for me I definitely would have gone to sleep and not woke up like was suggested to me by my awesome people.

Jut wanted to let everyone know how awesome it is here. My people are sad but I knew they would be glad to hear how happy I am. This will be my only post. There's so much fun stuff and good food here that I'm certain I won't have time to write again.

Peace out, World! It was fun.
xoxo, Pot-Pot

The Fall.....

Right after the leaves turn every year something strange happens in my life....

I think I FALL into a parallel universe. It's the universe in which the "really busy" me lives. Just prior to the leaves changing and during said event I feel really creative. I have lots to say, feel really relaxed, and am generally unharrassed. BUT, all of the sudden one day I wake up with a giant THUD and I have to pop up and take off running. I think I started FALLing last week. Yesterday I experienced the THUD. Today I'm kinda disoriented and trying to determine a direction to run.

With that said, I am NOT a high stress person. I get done what I can get done and the rest falls by the wayside. I AM however a driven person who really likes to get everything done and get it done well. This inner struggle certainly makes life interesting. More often than not my inner intention doesn't match at all with my actual actions or results thereof.

For those of you that don't know, I coach high school gymnastics. The season started on monday. I LOVE gymnastics. Being in the gym makes me happy. BUT, there are lots of details to iron out at the beginning of the season. It requires MUCH brain space. My brain is really sore.

Saturday is my birthday. I like to celebrate and be celebrated on my birthday.

Sunday we leave for Arizona to visit Hubby Guy's family. I LOVE to travel. BUT.... Now I have to pack for myself AND my children. Those with children can understand how this activity can shall-we-say "steal one's joy". AND.... the chicas have never flown before. This adds another dynamic.

ALSO.... our oldest cat has an appointment to go to "Kitty Heaven" today. This makes me sad. She's a sweet kitty. She's just in really sad shape. With us leaving for a week we didn't feel like leaving her for the pet sitter to content with. How awful would that be for a pet sitter - To find a dead cat and have to deal with it. NOT GOOD. The cat could hang on for a while longer but we have no way of knowing that. She's in pain. We need to let her go. I feel energy draining from my person just thinking about all that coming to fruition.

I guess my bottom line in telling you all this is to say: I feel ill prepared for life at this point. Gratefully, God is good. I don't feel undue pressure to achieve miracles or be overwhelmingly perfect. I just feel like I have lots on my plate. Unfortunately the BOUNTY of the holidays/this part of my year includes a lot of irons in the fire.

On New Friends

I have a budding friendship that I'm so happy about.

I've always been the person has just a few close friends and didn't bother much with anyone else. I love that my community of friends is growing.

Are you familiar with that new friend "rush"? I totally have that. God is good!

When I'm purposeful about thinking through the role that different relationships play in my life I'm blown away at the awesomeness of God's plan. This particular friendship is with a person that will challenge and stretch me. Goody!

So I Have This Ism...

I have an "ism". It makes me NEED to rearrange furniture.

Last night I flipped our bedroom. It's almost identical to itself. I switched the things on the right with the things on the left. It's almost like I just turned it over. I like it. It's different.

I first started practicing this particular ism when I was a kid. When I clean I find that I like to completely clean. That requires moving furniture so I can clean under it. I figured since I was moving the furniture anyway I may as well rearrange it. An "ism" was born.

I was thinking last night whilst moving stuff around about being content. I don't think I've ever blogged about it before but I'm DESPERATE to move to another house. I LOVE where my house is but it's just inadequate for our needs. It's too small. I seriously considered my gripes about where I live and decided I'm not being foolish. The house really is too small. I'm trying really hard to be content but no amount of furniture moving ever makes it any better. It's causing me stress.

About Me

All the time I'm amazed by the bigness of the world and all the opportunity therein. One side of me is free spirited and wants to travel constantly and see everything. The other side of me wants to be cozy and known and stable in one place.

I think I've decided I'm too hard on myself.

I think I'm guilty of giving a rats patoot what others think of me. I get all wound up when I don't meet the expectations of others. If others don't share their expectations I make some up for them. I realize that's unfair.

Sometimes I feel like I think I'm normal and everyone else sees me as basically insane.

I really do wish that people could know the ME that lives in my head.

On Christmas

I had a deep realization yesterday regarding Christmas.

Since I've been married I haven't done Christmas the same as I did in the years prior to being married. I feel like I haven't celebrated it at all.

For the last several years I have used the excuse that Christmas is about Christ and not about all the other stuff to avoid celebrating or being festive and enjoying the holiday. The truth is that Christmas is a secular holiday that Christians hijacked and made about Christ. Read the history before you go getting all mad at me for saying that.

I AM a Christian and I think hijacking it was a good idea. HOWEVER, as a child Christmas was the ONE time of year when I felt connected to my family and actually enjoyed being a part of it. Our family CELEBRATED Christmas. We celebrated all aspects of it. We decorated, we baked all manner of yummy candy and cookies, we bought each other presents, and we believed in Santa. I miss that and I want it back!

This year, again, we have a really good reason to pass it by without any hoopla. We are actually ditching our children on Christmas day and we'll be traveling. The trip was planned 3 years ago before we had children. I'm excited about it. I want to go. But, I feel bad now that it falls when it does. Another year essentially missed. ARG!

I'm gonna fix the problem. I'm not sure how just yet, but I'm gonna.

I NEED...

I NEED to get back on a roll with blogging. It really brings me lots of joy.

I haven't felt inspired to write about anything good lately.

So I ask.... what would you like to know about me? I have lots of stories about stuff.

Mean People Create Negative Pressure!

I'm really hurt right now. I need to rant just a little bit.

I have an awesome job. BUT, there ARE people at work who don't like me.

The favorite pastime of the people who don't like me is to exclude me. Today is one of those days. They decided yesterday that today was to be "purple day" and didn't tell me. So, I stick out like a sore thumb. I know. It's silly. It's just a stupid color.

I'm hurt, though. I'm angry too.

Why is it that some people never recover from childhood meanness? Why do some people just have to step on others to make themselves feel good? It makes me irate!

An Apology

Sorry I haven't had anything to say lately. I've been completely without inspiration.

My schedule has allowed very little extra.

I think too that I'm in a period of post adoption papers brain rest. Again, there's no way to describe the pressure we've been under until now.

Hopefully I'll be back in the swing soon.

I Confess...

I confess.... I love to watch people. I posted before about how I love to walk through other neighborhoods and imagine life differently (Out of Life Experience). Tonight I was sitting at a restaurant and could not help but watch people. There were TONS of people in there. I found myself imagining life as other people.

I am constantly amazed at how different our lives are. There is a lot common to daily life, but schedules and places and families are all different.

I started to consider why I people watch. I don't want to switch lives. I like mine. I know better than to think the grass is greener.

I just love to watch people. I LOVE, LOVE to go sit some crowded place and just take it all in. It's like being a benevolent stranger in an ant hill. People rush here and there. They talk on their cell phones to unseen people. They're mad, sad, angry, happy, whatever. It's positively intriguing.

Another thought I had was this: I heard quoted someplace that "God is in the people business." I can't help but think the reason why me and so many others I've known love to people watch is because we're wired for relationship. God wants us to engage one another. That wonder I have is supposed to be used for His kingdom.

That makes me feel kinda bad because I'm shy until I get to know people. I think most of the time I'd rather sit back and watch.

Because I'm Concerned......

Is it wrong of me to be excited about stealing from the candy buckets of my children who are gonna walk/run through neighborhoods at a feverish pace for hours to get it?

They always get such good stuff!

Their teeth don't need the sugar. I mean all that candy isn't healthy for the kids, right?

Because I am the BEST mom, I will take one for the team and help them with things like Skittles (bad) and M&M's (indeed very, very bad) so their health will not be affected by this particular holiday. And if they were to acquire Reese's cups or Twix bars, because I love them I will fall on my sword (so-to-speak) and help them through the health crisis by eliminating the dangers.

It's my duty, after all, because I'm the BEST mom.

Ok.... I'm Excited!

We signed the adoption papers today.

The iceberg of indifference and pessimism I've turned into over the past 18 months is beginning to melt.

My girlies are, well..... mine. *** Happy Dance***

On Disordered Eating

I'm having a very transparent moment. If you can't handle raw truth concerning me, stop reading.

Throughout my life I've had an "ism". I have a very, very hard time eating in certain environments. When I was younger I really couldn't eat at all in public with the exception being in a restaurant with my family. Buffet lines/cafeterias were completely out of the question regardless of who I was with.

Fortunately I've gotten past the worst of the "ism". I still struggle though. I still just can't bring myself to eat in environments where I'm not completely comfortable. I come unglued. For instance.. The program I work for is having an event today. I was invited over for lunch. I just can't. It would take far too long to explain why. I can just tell you that the thought of going back over there for lunch makes me want to cry. Fortunately, I work for an amazing person who is gracious and aware of my "ism". She will understand if I don't come. No one else will even care that I'm not there. It's frustrating though to be an adult and have to deal with such a stupid "ism". It drives me nuts that I haven't completely overcome it.

I've been thinking lately about my "ism" because I've been faithfully working out again. It's strange what working out makes me think in my head. I spoke before about being "addicted" to exercise. The truth is that regular exercise rares the head of my "ism" as they are connected. I've really had to keep myself in check. I have those ugly thoughts of working out for 2 hours a day and eating precious little. I HAVE NOT acted on that. I'm just admitting that I've thought about it. The truth is that I don't have time to live like that at this phase of my life.

We all have our burdens. Now you know mine!

Adoption

We had the first meeting yesterday about adoption.

It's actually gonna happen!

We sign adoption placement orders on Monday.

I think I've said all these things before. You'll just have to bear with me. This process has been "hellish". There's so much to it ya'll. I really should write the whole story down. Honestly, though, I just want to get past it.

Underneath

Underneath all the day to day lives a person I once knew.

She was smart and had her whole life in front of her. She was an athlete. She had time for the sweet details. She communicated with her friends in a real and honest way. She was also super creative.

I've seen glimpses lately of the person I was when I was younger. I'm trying to reclaim the good parts. I think it can happen.

Truthfully, I love who I am now. I'm not complaining. It's just that somewhere along the way a part of me went missing.

For a long time I feel like I've been a totally different person. I think I've decided that I just changed appropriately for my age and stage of life. It's good to be able to reclaim some of the lightness and creativity of my youth.

Icky, Icky.. A Bunch of Sickies!

The cosmos is runnin' a special....

3 for the price of one influenza!! (Fortunately it isn't the pig sickness... just the regular kind)

I am the holdout. I refuse to succumb to the illness that has my family in its clenches.

My boss offered me her guest room.

I have a theory. I've been working out a lot lately. My system is primed. They say regular exercise can help your body fight off illness. If I ultimately get the flu I'll eat those words, but here's hoping!

I'm no Siskel & Ebert......

Saw another movie today.... and if I could convert all my fingers and toes to thumbs I would give the movie a huge 20 thumbs down.

We saw "Where The Wild Things Are". I am so very disappointed. Even if I had rented it for a buck out of the Walmart vending machine I would still have hated it.

They destroyed the story. It had so much possibility. It could have been so lighthearted. Nope!

I kept thinking throughout the movie that the person who wrote the screenplay got really high and read the book and translated it into a film from a drug induced state. The movie was depressing and dark from beginning to end. It's now been 5 hours since we left the theater and I'm still bothered by what I saw.

It's a stinker, ya'll. Don't waste your money.

It Just Ain't Right!

Ok... so I've got this personal trainer person.

It's been really fun. I meet with her once a week. She gives me written workouts to do all the other days. I've been good and done the majority of it.

It's been cold outside and I haven't been able to do my favorite cardio workout (jumping on the trampoline).

Yesterday I finally broke down and went to UREC. That's the big rec/workout place on campus. I usually only go there to use the indoor track. I'm kinda scared of the room with all the machines in it. I feel old, fat and out of place. I went right into the scary room and found myself an elliptical machine (my new addiction) and worked out out for 45 minutes. After that I went home and did the rest of my workout (sit ups, push ups, etc.)

And... today guess what I did? I went back and did it again!!! Holy Smokes!!

I was pondering something as I was working out today. The more I work out the more I want to work out. It doesn't make sense to me that using all that energy makes you have more energy.

We went out for dinner early tonight. When I got home I immediately went into project mode. I flipped my wardrobe (summer for winter). It's a huge project! And.. while I was doing that I did 95% of the laundry in the house. (Another huge project) So 3 hours later I'm still not as tired as I should be. CRAZY!!! It just ain't right.

Blah!

I'm seriously lacking inspiration this morning.

Just imagine that I've written something really clever yet heartwarming and truly hysterical.

Have a great day!

The Best Stuff Ever!

I more than "heart" flannel PJs. I dare say that I LOVE them.

I can't understand WHY I can't wear my purple flannel Grumpy (as in the dwarf) pants out in public. WHY must life be so unfair?

The world would be a happier place if everyone could just wear flannels and baggy sweats everyplace.

Like Fine Wine

Ok... let me qualify all this with I'm not a drinker. I've never even tasted wine.

I have, however, heard lots of references to fine wine. I've heard that it grows on you. I've heard that you have to pair the beverage with a food item that compliments it to really appreciate it. I've heard stuff about how it's aged to perfection, etc.

I have this to say about all that.

There are a couple things in my life that seem similar.

1) Old friends - I have one friendship in particular that has really experienced the gamut of things life has to offer. It's a friendship that has been aged. I don't know if perfection is the word I would assign to it. I would say about it, though, that age has brought a sweetness to it that I value highly. When I compare that friendship to some of the others that I have there's a definitely a lasting quality about it. I think at this point there's been so much invested that neither one of us would ever let it go. I'm not at all saying I want to. I'm just sayin...

2) Foster to adopt - I don't have the time, vocabulary, or emotional fortitude to appropriately and adequately explain the complexity of the foster to adopt circumstance. It does things to you emotionally that are unnatural. It ISN'T for the weak. What it requires can't be quantified on any existing scale.

The piece of it that reminds me of the fine wine reference is this: (Hang in I'll get there eventually)

When you lose a child that you love it breaks you in a way that only a person who has endured it understands. I endured it in the context of losing a child I fostered. I cannot imagine what it's like to lose a biological child. That just doesn't compute. It hurts my heart and head to think about.

We took in our current children 6 weeks after the loss of our first child. For almost 2 years now a part of me has been held back. I haven't yet to bond with my girls the way I did with the first one.

I feel like for the last two years we've participated in a process that had no guaranteed outcome at all. At times all I had towards it was bitterness. I was certain that the process was wasteful.

As I think about the adoption process that begins in 13 days, I begin to recognize the end of the process. I can start to imagine the sweetness. I can identify the work that has gone into the final product. I can place value in the relationship in a way I couldn't before because of the fear that I would lose them too.

I've begun to imagine things that previously were emotionally unsafe like learning to drive, graduations, boyfriends, and weddings. I've aged into these kids and when the adoption is final it will have been worth the process.

Bittersweet

I need to take the opportunity here today to vent about something and share my heart on a topic.

Our first foster placement was the most precious little girl. We only had her a month but we bonded instantly and would have been the happiest family unit ever had we not been separated.

I was sad but ok about her being moved. She was moved to the home of an aunt and uncle that have known her since she was born. She wasn't going somewhere she didn't want to go.

6 weeks after we lost her we got the call about our current girls. Life took off from there.

A few months ago I got a call from a person (very long story) who was begging me to take our original kid back. She told me that she was being placed back into foster care. Hubby Guy and I talked about it and decided that if the agency offered her we would say yes. They never offered.

A couple months ago I posted here about having encountered her.

I don't think I've shared the newest tidbit. She's now in the same gymnastics class as my little one.

She's healthy and happy. I have no complaints. I just miss her.

So during that gymnastics class I find myself watching the first kid more than I do my current kid. This past Saturday was "viewing day". They actually let us in the gym and we don't have to hover in windows and doors to see. I got a front row seat. My first little one knows that I watch her. She likes it too because every time she does a trick she looks up to me to make sure I saw. She and I bonded over gymnastics when she was in our house. It was during gymnastics season and I was at the gym a lot. Hubby Guy would bring her there to see me. I would let her play on the mats, walk the beam, etc. She LOVED it.

Her new foster mom doesn't watch the class. That's all I'll say about that.

I've just never experienced a feeling like it before. I love a kid and feel like I can't have a relationship with her. It's TERRIBLE! I'm happy that I get to see her but it's really bittersweet.

I just needed to say that.

Randomness

I don't know.....

This picture is darn funny.

I can' help but smile when I see these kitties.

I need to kiss the sweet face of the kitty in the background. Doesn't he totally look like he doesn't get it? I totally love him for it.

This picture reminds me of me and my brother. He was forever cracking up himself and others. I was the one in the background wondering what was so funny.

Work With Me Here...

You may or may not know that we (us earthlings) shot a missile at the moon this morning. The purpose was to study the scraps to see if they could find evidence of water. Apparently they're still looking for life or something. Anyway... they promised live shots of it. There were lots of disappointed science nerds this morning because there were no actual shots of it. That part didn't work!

Well... I found humor in that. Immediately the picture that came to mind was the Bugs Bunny episode where they blew up the moon and Bugs and Marvin were left hanging from it's scraps. I searched online for that picture and couldn't find it. I'm disappointed.

When Hubby Guy (Science Nerd) told me he was waiting to see the live feed this morning and I asked him what they were doing, he said they were gonna shoot the moon to see if anybody shoots back.

So this is the image we're likely to see on the evening news.

Who knows how little Marvin will retaliate. :)

The Best Stuff Ever!

It's been a while since I've made an addition to my Best Stuff Ever list. So far I've listed Ravioli in a can, best friends, gymnastics, wonderful hubby guys, and puppies and kitties.

The next best thing I can think of really would require smello-feelo-vision to adequately give it justice. You'll have to settle for a two dimensional representation.


I love crisp (not cold) fall days. I love the sweet rustling sound the fall colored leaves make as they blow in the breeze. I love the color of the sky in contrast to the pretty red, orange and yellow leaves. I wish I could describe the smell of fall. I love that too.

I'm very grateful that I live in a place as gorgeous as Virginia. The fall season is spectacular. I lived in Florida for 10 years. Fall doesn't happen there the way it does here. Those years there make me really grateful for what I have now in terms of seasons.

A Song for Ya

(All sung in a very hearty munchkin brogue)

Ding Dong the Brat is moved
He's met his match
He's been reproved

Ding Dong
The bratty Brat got moved!

As much as I would love to make several more verses to this particular poem, that's all I've got.

Hopefully I can be done with this topic now.

Brat Poison!

This morning I invented something in my head.

I do this all the time.

Years ago when I worked at a hospital I invented an "Invisibubble". You put it on and zip it up and it makes it so that you can pass through hallways undetected, thusly freeing you from the mindless small talk people feel is necessary to not appear rude. I also invented the "Stealth Suit". It works much the same but gets you places much faster!

This morning I invented Brat Poison. You feed it to children like the little kid that continues to harass my first grader. (No he hasn't been moved yet!!!) It won't kill him. It will only make him obedient and sweet. It will also get rid of his tendencies toward being an evil predator. Doesn't it sound wonderful?

Hidden Agenda!

I often wondered when I was kid why my mother bought herself really trendy cute clothes and bought me hideous specimens that I didn't care to be seen in.

I think I've figured it out.

On Saturday I bought the Oldest some new clothes. I try to buy cute yet very modest clothes for her. I do a decent job of picking out what she likes. Well.....

I think I did too good of a job. She looked really cute yesterday.

My conversations with her this school year have had more and more to do with boys. Apparently she's very highly sought after "girlfriend" material this year. Now before you go freaking out, understand that in 6th grade having the designation "boyfriend/girlfriend" doesn't mean anything. It's just a designation and there's no acting on it. She knows full well that she won't be allowed to "date" until high school and even then there will be MAJOR rules involved.

That being said..... I'm working hard on helping her understand that she doesn't need a boyfriend. I'm trying to teach her to stand on her own, be confident, etc. It's very difficult. But... she's so darn cute. I don't think I've helped her by buying cute clothes. Hubby Guy has a point. He told me yesterday to stop helping her put outfits together. On her own she horribly mismatches things. Perhaps I should keep her looking like a dork for a little while longer.

My mother TOTALLY did that. I wasn't even cute like my oldest and she did it anyway.

It was GENIUS!

Second Wave

I promised you something light. When I wrote that I totally had a funny in my head.

But then I forgot the funny.

I remembered it again, only now it's not funny anymore.

And truthfully....the fall season... it does crazy stuff to me. First, I get organized. I've already discussed that.... Projects are ongoing.

My second wave of "fallness" consists of "taking inventory". This wave of fall activity in my head is marked with analysis. It's even set to music most of the time. The theme song of a TV show I watch is my current thinking song. It's a really beautiful tune.

Anyway... I take time to consider things. It sounds complicated, but really it isn't. It just gives me an opportunity to file away thoughts that get stuck in my mental in-box. After those are filed away I feel prepared to carry on.

Now don't go thinking I'm a crazy! What I do is very healthy.

I heard an amazing sermon once about the sabbath. The pastor guy's point was that God designed us to rest. The notion of rest is a multifaceted thing if you think about it. Anyway... he went on to break it all down. He described what it means to fully rest in God. Part of that process is talking through those thoughts that get stuck in our in-boxes. He didn't use those words. That notion is mine. It just totally fits with what he was talking about. I know you're at a loss because you have no idea what that pastor guy said. Trust me, it was AWESOME! Anyway... the second wave of fall is a kind of sabbath for me. I purposefully take the time to "take inventory". It keeps me sane.

So, I'm not meaning to be all deep and stuff. When I'm in my fall pensive mood I generally look at life differently. Although there's humor in much, it doesn't easily work it's way to the surface.

News and a Promise of Lightness

Have you ever had an experience where you were prepared for a fight but then there was no fight necessary?

That's how our meeting yesterday with the principal went. We went in armed, ready, and on the defensive. That principal is either really good at disarming people or she's not the doorknob we were told she was.

She didn't even hiccup about moving the predator out of our daughter's class. We were both floored. She agreed wholeheartedly that moving him is the best course of action. Yay!

On another note.... I realize what I've written lately has been about serious stuff. I have a lighthearted blog on it's way. I don't mean to be Debbie Downer. I've just been on a serious page in life lately.

Mama Bear is Loose and Fangs are Blazing!

OK... so last year my littlest one had the misfortune of being placed in a classroom with a horrible little child. I won't go into details but I'll just say he really cashed in on her unfortunate background. It was a tumultuous year!

We were SO EXCITED this year to find out that they were not being placed in the same class. The little one has really thrived this year. She has been excited about school. Her attitude has been great. She's learning lots of good stuff.

So last week she came home and said that the problem child was going to be in her classroom. I verified it with the teacher. A week ago yesterday he became part of her class. In the last week her attitude about school has changed. She doesn't come home sharing about what she's learning. Now she comes home saying what the problem child did and said. EVERYTHING has changed! It makes me livid.

Hubby Guy wrote a letter to the principal and we have a meeting with her this afternoon. We've heard that she's a real doorknob. That's the impression I've gotten from her the last three years that I've had children at that school. I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt but I don't have high expectations.

We are asking that the problem child be removed from our daughter's classroom. Our little one has other issues to consider. Moving her to another classroom will nullify her first grade year. I'm guessing they won't move him because they just put him in that classroom. He was moved there because of an issue with another student in his original classroom. I have a sneeky feeling that we're gonna find ourselves at an impasse.

I Got Nothing

I've had lots to say recently.

Today I have nothing.

I met with the trainer again yesterday. My whole person hurts.

Maybe that's why I have nothing to say.

Books, Books, and More Books!

I would say that the biggest thing my Mother did RIGHT was that she read to my brothers and me constantly. She even recorded herself reading books to us and included a cue for us to turn the page so that when she wasn't available she could still read to us.

That's one of the reasons I'm so crazy about reading. I've always loved it. She instilled that in me. She got me my very first library card when I was tiny. I don't know how old I was but I'm guessing I was the age of my youngest. She would take me to the library at least once a week. I would check out as many as I could carry. Those were the days. As I got older I developed a system. I'm pretty sure I read almost the entire young readers section of the South Hills Library in Jackson, Mississippi. There were even several characters that I read over and over.

This summer I read tons of books. I'm kinda all read out at the moment. But... lately I've been revisiting my childhood. I've begun to check out books that I loved as a child like Pipi Longstocking so I can read them to my girls. They are loving it. I'm also getting ones that have come out since I was a kid that I find humorous. We love Junie B. Jones. She's sassy but hysterical. The other night I was reading some Junie B. to the girls and what she said was so funny I couldn't even finish reading the sentence. I had to laugh it out and then dry my eyes before I could continue. Now when I tell the children to brush their teeth I quote Junie B.'s definition of "Mr. Tooth Decay - If I don't brush my teeth in the morning my breath smells like stink." I've been told they're over that already. I have a feeling I'll be saying that to them for the rest of their lives. :)

A Good Day

Note: This blog is actually not being posted right after I wrote it (my usual MO). I had too much to say the day I wrote it so I decided to write it anyway and post later.

I'm sitting here in my rocking chair (my secondary assigned blog seat). The house is quiet. The girls are asleep. The windows are open and I'm listening to the rain falling outside. It's glorious.

Today was a good day. It was an odd day too.

This morning Hubby Guy took the Little One to gymnastics. (A welcomed change) I decided to take the Big One to the library. Her soccer game was canceled because of the rain. Anyway... we had a nice time hunting down good stuff to read. I'll write yet another post after this one about reading and books. It will also be posted not-right-away like this one. ( I told you I have a lot to say today)

When we got home from the library we ate some lunch. Hubby Guy and the Little One were home too. We had a couple of hours to chill and relax. No one was grouchy, winy, or needy. Everyone was happy and got along (truly unusual).

Hubby Guy left early afternoon to go to his second job. He has this job for a little extra cash. It also gives him a reason to be out of the house. He works at the Best Western in town. He's the only person I've ever known with a PhD to be willing to work menial jobs. He even delivered pizzas before he married me. I think one reason he does it is just to humor himself.

After Hubby Guy left the girls and I went to Walmart (my favorite place) to pick up a few items.
We ran home very shortly and then ran back out to the home of their bio Aunt on their Mom's side. We had never actually been to her house before. We've seen her plenty though. Anyway... she was babysitting the girls' new half sister. She's 5 weeks old. So the girls finally got to meet her.

I have written before about how weird it feels to hang out with their bio family. I'll put in a link again to my favorite post on this topic. Here If you've read it already, skip it. It's just the clearest place I've written about how we feel about it. The circumstances always make it feel like we're starring in a really weird movie about rednecks. Never in my wildest dreams could I make up plot lines that read like our story has been in dealing with the girls' bio family. Eg. Today we went to Bio Aunt's house so the girls could meet their 5 week old half sister for the first time. Bio Aunt was babysitting. It was a safe time for the girls to see the baby and not have to see Bio Mom. We had to be gone before their Bio Mom and Shack-Up-Hunny/Baby Daddy came to pick up the baby after work because we didn't want Bio Mom to know we were even there. I'm not ready to deal with Bio Mom without official backup. That's as much for her safety as it is mine. I still desire to "tear her a new one". Anyway... We (me and Bio Aunt) chatted about whether or not I thought it was OK to show Bio Mom pictures that she had taken of my Big One/ Bio Mom's oldest and the new baby/Bio Mom's youngest. I had to tell her no because I was unsure of what that would do to Bio Mom's mental state. I mean, after all, she does still have a couple of weeks to reopen her appeal. That's just a small sampling of what it's like. It's all just crazy. It's not something you think of having to go through when you adopt a child.

So... after we escaped Bio Aunt's house without detection we ran home to get swim suits and took off for the hotel. One of the perks of Hubby Guy working there is that we can swim whenever we want. So the girls swam for the first time in a while.

We came straight home after that and the children passed out. Even the Big One went to bed because she wanted to. She read for a little bit and turned her own light out. (Amazing!) Usually even if she is hang dog tired she'll still sit in front of the TV until her appointed "bedtime" just on principle.

It was a crazy long and at times strange day but it was a good one.

Owie!

I'm sore.

I volunteered myself to be a client/guinea pig for a Principles of Exercise Testing & Prescription class at the university.

I had my testing done yesterday. They started with height, weight, measurements (scary), and body fat percentage (really, really scary). Then they did a test to determine how fit my heart is. I had to pedal a stationary bike to a metronome while they continued to up the resistance on the bike. That was insane. After that they tested how strong and flexible I am.

I was excited because I appear fat and slovenly but in actuality I'm very strong and fit. I surprised everyone (even myself) with how much weight I can lift.

I am competitive and rise to the occasion when put on the spot so I did really good.

But.... I am very sore and getting worse by the minute it seems. Tomorrow I might not be able to move.

I'm looking forward to the program. I have a student personal trainer assigned to me. Her job for the rest of the semester is to whip me into shape. At the end of the semester we'll redo all the tests and see how good a job she did. If she could get me svelt for the cruise I'm going on in December that would totally rock! She's really sweet. I could tell she was super nervous. She confessed before I left yesterday that she was so excited that her client is in good shape. She says that some of her friends in the program were assigned clients that are big and fat and have never exercised before. She and I hit it off right away. She's on the track team at the university. We are able to relate to one another as athlete and former athlete. That will be cool. Let me be a warning to her little stick figure self that when the training ends the pounds have a way of seeking you out.

So... I get to meet once a week with Skinny Mini and her mission is to train me. I'm really excited about the program. Every time I see that all call I decide I can't do it because it runs during gymnastic season. I decided this year that I would do it anyway. I don't think my workout time is going to conflict with practice times. If it does, oh well.

Organized

Organized - Pronounced (Organ- iz - id)

This is something I aspire to. It's something I pride myself in.

I'm not sure what it is about fall, but it makes me desire a higher level of organization.

My boss and I keep having the same conversation about her office over and over and over again. She's forever troubled by what a pig sty it is. She really likes organization but doesn't have time to keep it that way. I want to help, but so much of what she does is lost on me. Since I only work part-time I don't want to hide all her stuff. And... she's a little OCD about all her tiny pieces of paper with notes on them. She's sweet and OCD but the shoe still fits.

So yesterday at work.... I decided to go for it. I managed to find homes for 2 giant piles of stuff. I found homes for stuff she hasn't touched in forever. And of course.... she texted me looking for her stuff. I picked THE DAY in months that she needed something from a pile.

I just LOVE to organize stuff. I could totally be one of those crazies with their own show on HGTV about cleaning up houses and ridding the clutter. My friend loves me to come over when she's organizing. Purge is my favorite word. I like helping people part with their stuff. I'm fixing to get rid of lots of my stuff too. I'm kinda excited! Weird, I know :)

Rubber Chicken, Stuffed Pig, Calenduuuhhhhh!

This post comes from a completely random place. I wanted to post SOMETHING and currently am lacking inspiration.

I was sitting here in my assigned seat for blogging. It's assigned by myself, but assigned none-the-less. Sometimes I post from somewhere else and it feels all different.

Anyway.... I was looking around at the items that surround this spot. There's a plastic chicken with cymbals. He reminds me of the rubber chicken that I have somewhere that I keep meaning to find.

There's a cute little pink stuffed pig. A friend gave him to me. I have no idea why she gave me a stuffed pig. That makes him funny to me. Random stuffed pigs are laughable, right?

In front of me is one of those bird pens. His body is the pen body, the top has a beak and crazy pink and yellow feathers. He's also wearing big blue sunglasses. His cap is a big yellow bird foot and it has a sucker attached so he can stand upright. His name is Mr. Personality. If I ever took to seriously writing with a pen and paper I would most certainly use him.

I also have a giant calenduuuhhhhh! I call it that because I hate it. I don't like having to keep a schedule. I think I would really deep down like to live a gypsy kind of life. I'd like to wander. The whole stealing to live part is uncool but the wandering part sounds fantastic. My stupid calendar is my accountability. If I get so many things on it that I can't store them comfortably in my brain then life is just too busy. I know people that live and die by their planners. I tried it and hated it. It made me feel too scheduled. I like the notion that I have open options. When I scheduled every minute I felt imprisoned by it. And... I don't want my children to grow up pigeon holed by a schedule. We had the best weekend because our options were open. Friday early evening I changed into my "uniform" (sweatpants & gigantic T-shirt). The girls and I were fixin' to go take our crayons and coloring books and camp out on the trampoline and color. I decided I'd give my BFF a call. After that call we all loaded up and had a great time hanging out at her house. I didn't even have to change out of my uniform. On saturday the oldest out of the blue said "Hey I know, let's go see a movie." It was a spectacular idea and we saw a great movie.

Now don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with having a planner to keep yourself organized. Not everyone wants to mess up available brain space with schedules. I get that. That's why I keep a calendar at all. I want to make sure I don't forget stuff. I just don't want to be a slave to it. I try very hard NOT to fill it up.

Ok... the calenduuuhhhhh part ended up being a bit of a rant. Sorry. It's a risk I took for being random.

But... naming some of the odd items around me got me thinking about that movie Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. It was a good movie but a sad one. Anyway... I love that kind of imagination. I miss those years of life. Ya know.. those years when I was free to imagine and dream without having to be particularly responsible or adult at all. The times in my life when I get the most restless are when my creativity/imagination is squelched for some reason. I like to think about stuff. I don't want to take myself too seriously.

Update on My Last Post

Ok.... I wimped out... I didn't work out. I was still feeling shaky and chose common sense over the need to feel skinny all day.

Piper Pockets

My question this fine Wednesday morning is this:

Who is that Piper anyway... and what must he do with all his riches?

I determined this morning that sometimes we Pay the Piper when we do good things. I usually think of that particular idiom (Pay the Piper) in the context of poor behavior.

Yesterday I worked out like I always do when the powers that be smile upon my daily schedule. I did an hour of cardio. I normally tolerate that pretty well. It wipes me out, but I feel skinny the rest of the day and that makes it worthwhile. Well.... yesterday I think something weird happened with my blood sugar. I've battled an anemic type condition for my whole life that has defied every test I've ever been given for it. All tests come back normal. When I get hungry it makes me feel bad and resultingly I get REALLY mean! So yesterday after my exercise I felt wiped out as usual but I was also REALLY mean. Moreover... I didn't recover. Even after I ate I was still mean. Poor hubby guy just relinquished the bedroom until bedtime so I could hide in there. I didn't banish him. He just didn't want to be around me. I wasn't being mean to him, but he apparently could feel meanness oozing from my person. The poor Guy was relegated to watching SpongeBob (who we hate) with the kids.

So... I payed the piper for doing something good! How is that fair!?

I feel much better this morning. And... I'm still gonna work out this afternoon.

The whole Paying The Piper thought came to me this morning because the little one had a hard time getting up. She basically had a screaming flailing fit before she ever even got upright. I reminded her that she would feel better and more rested in the morning if when she's put to bed at night she would actually go to sleep. Last night at bedtime apparently she was high on life. After lights out she sang for a little while, talked to anyone who passed through the hallway, got up "to potty" 467 times, etc. I have no idea what time she actually went to sleep. The last time I heard her voice though was 2 hours after her bedtime.

This morning she looked rough. That wake up call came about 2 hours too early. :)

Oh how the Piper's pockets jingle.

On Connections

Yesterday while I was exercising I was mulling over something in my head.

A couple of times recently I've heard people reveal or I've heard stories of people revealing painful things about their lives. I heard a story of a lady who was sharing something serious about something that someone else considered shallow. The other person then picked on her. It was painful and really tore at her heart. At our small group meeting the other night a lady who by looking at her looks happy as a clam revealed all that's going on in her life. The whole room was crying when she was done.

I'm struck with the notion that we really are all "walking wounded". We all have hurts.

I've always been better at having a few really good friends rather than lots of friends that I don't know very well. I think I've finally got a working theory for why that is.

I find transparency refreshing. The trouble with that is that being transparent is difficult. Since the Garden of Eden humanity has been skilled at hiding failures. What's so sad about that is that we don't just hide failures. We hide everything that makes us unique. We fear being identified or singled out.

People connect through commonality. How do we expect to connect when we hide? When I connect superficially the friendship remains superficial. People that I have just jumped in feet first with have ended up being the people that I love and trust the best. I long for those types of relationships. I want to really connect.

I read the statement somewhere recently that "God is in the people business". Our job is to do His will. He wants people to know Him. If we can't be honest and open with people, how can we show people how loving, healing, etc. that God is? In a way we tie His hands.

I'm so grateful that the lady at small group opened up. It really reminded me that as God followers we should be transparent if for no other reason to call attention to how awesome God is. We never know how what we're going through can be used. Our job is to glorify God. Tough times, though difficult, are easy opportunities.

There's so much information floating around in my head on this topic. I haven't articulated much of it or articulated it very well. I feel very strongly about it though.

I was Right!!!!

I knew it was too good to be true.

I saw our doorknob today. We were chatting about timeline. I mentioned not wanting to get the call that the girls are ours while we're on our cruise and out of the country. She looked at me kind of strange. I reminded her that we are going on a cruise for two weeks.

Apparently the 90 days that we were quoted isn't until it's done. Apparently the state has 90 days to finish the adoption home study. After the home study is done they will then submit that and then it takes another 90 days for a judge to hear it.

That all means that the girls won't be ours for another 6 months.

Sometimes I HATE IT when I'm right.

So much for my light at the end of the tunnel.

I Can Hardly Wait....

I can hardly wait 'til I can tell you something that one of MY kids says like "stop saying that because it's ignoring to me" or "why does my nose keep watering?" and post a picture of the cute face that said it.

One of the most bo-bo rules of foster care is that we are not allowed to post their mugs on the internet. I have found one outlet I deem safe such that I ignore that rule. This blog, however, is truly public and I dare not tempt fate. In our situation it's really a bo-bo rule because neither bio parent even has a computer. I'm pretty certain neither one ever searches the internet anywhere or even knows how. And... I mean really.... I don't want to communicate with these people. They did horrible things to MY children. At the same time they did birth them for me so if I had a choice of how for them to see the kids it would be over the internet and far, far away from me.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Early in 2010 I will be an official and 100% legal Mommy to two girls. They will become ours just shy of their 2 year anniversary with us. That'll be cool.

I feel so very many things about all of this. We're waiting through all the legal steps. That part is just ridiculous. I understand it, but it's ridiculous. It'll be cool when it's all over because after all this when they are ours there's nothing ambiguous about it. When it's done it's done. They'll be Lewis girls.

Movie!

We went to see "Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs" today. It was really good. To me it wasn't AS good as "UP" (See my review here: I'm No Siskel & Ebert) but it definitely gets an A in my book. The reasons why it was rated PG instead of G were obvious. There was only one wirty dord in the whole movie and it was cr**. There were a couple of other elements that it could have done without but they were completely missed by my kids.

1) I am a big monkey fan and the monkey in this movie is definitely not a disappointment. Maybe it's just me, but put a monkey in a film and I generally like it.

2) There was a really sweet message. The characters were great!

3) It really catered to what kids think about stuff. I won't spoil it, but the kissing scene at the end was precious.

4) I laughed out loud a lot. Interestingly enough every time I laughed out loud Oldest Kid laughed at the same time. We have the same sense of humor. I like that. My sense of humor is truly odd and it's really nice to have someone to share it with.

There ya go. That's my opinion. Don't say I never gave ya anything.

The Best Stuff Ever!

So... Hubby Guy has made a shameless plea to be included in my list. He's got his bottom lip stuck out pretty far. Poor Guy!

The truth is that my Hubby Guy doesn't go in this list. He has his own very special place. It's a place exalted above even Ravioli in a can. I love him the best of all. My Best Stuff Ever list is stuff that's good for the general population. My Hubby Guy is mine and I'm not sharing.

But.... something that CAN be included in the list is wonderful hubby guys!

Let me tell you about mine.

He's the most consistent person I know. I didn't know him when he was a kid but according to pictures he was the same fun loving hunk of a guy I know today.

Everybody says he's funny. (Except me... I'm here to keep him from getting a big head)

He's terribly mischievous but has a heart of gold. He likes to stir things up to keep life interesting. I know the truth, though. He's mostly bark and not a lot of bite.In a crowd of people he holds his own really well He's the more social one of the two of us. He can talk to anyone anywhere.

He's a manly man that knows how to fix stuff. He may not be really happy with me or the child
for breaking whatever it is that he's having to put back together, but he knows how to fix it. :) (Secretly I think he likes it when we break stuff. It gives him a reason to go to Lowe's!)

He definitely DOES NOT drive a cute truck. He drives a manly man truck that's good for haulin' stuff. He totally needs a bumper sticker that says "Yes, this is my truck. No, I will not help you move." (He would still help people move, though. He's that kind of guy)

He's the first person I ever met who has a PhD (Chemistry) yet doesn't have a stick placed firmly up his posterior. I have met several since him as I work with spectacular highly educated people, but he was the first. His brains are sexy. I could sit and blink at him while he says lots of chemistry stuff that goes over my head all day. I love to watch him in his lab. Since I've known him I've built up a whole layman's vocabulary for what he does (eg. Run a column = drip stuff into a thingy). I've also named several of the pieces of equipment he uses in the lab (Mass Spectrometer = Sniffer). It's great fun.

He loves animals. If it were up to him we'd live on a farm and every square inch of it would be covered in animals. Right now we have 3 dogs, 2 cats, and a rabbit. I have to hold him back when we're in PetSmart. He's forever wanting to adopt animals that he finds there. We have the rabbit because Hubby Guy saw him in Tractor Supply Company and had to have him. (And... I'm a pushover!) When he looks at me with his gorgeous brown eyes and says "Can I have him?" I just can't resist.

Best of all.... he loves me. He rescued me and whisked me away on his white horse (actually it WAS a white truck). He treats me like a princess and is oh so good to me. One day he's even gonna buy me a castle too (aren't ya Hubby Guy?... hee-hee). He puts up with all of my wierdness and hasn't run screaming from the house... yet.

And lastly..... he's "kersplatted for years!" What more could a girl ask for?!

The Best Stuff Ever!

Best Friends! Definitely some of the best stuff ever.

This picture is of me and my BFF 17 years ago. We were just babies but felt so grown up. We were camp counselors together for two summers. That picture was taken the first summer ('92). We worked at a little camp called The Master's Inn in Altavista, VA. We have LOTS of stories!

The picture at the top was taken February 2004 (12 years later). It was taken the night that I met my now Hubby Guy. She set us up long distance. I was living in FL and he was living in VA. I came to VA for a visit and she and her husband went on a double date with us. (That's the short version of that story) I married Hubby Guy and now me and my BFF live in the same town. How clever of her was that? That was more than 5 years ago. I don't have any more recent pictures. I have pictures of her and she has pictures of me but I don't think one exists that's of both of us.

There is just nothing better than having long time friends. In our younger, basically responsibility free days, we were mostly inseparable. She described our time together as "living life while conducting an ongoing conversation with one another". That's such a perfect description. We both miss those days. Now we each have a Hubby Guy to consider. We also both have children. Life just isn't as simple as it once was. The fact remains, though, we have each other's backs. There's no other friend that I would rather hang out with. We have so much history that we can communicate without words.

I also want to add that secondary to long time friends, girl friends in general are some of the best stuff ever. I love my friends, new and old. I am especially blessed to have the friends that I have. I would post their pictures and name them all but they might not appreciate it. They know who they are.

SICKO!

So... Oldest kid never gets sick. Or... never got sick... until now. She caught what we believed was her sister's cold. Her sister is almost always a little snot beast. She has terrible allergies and on top of that catches everything that comes along. It's a good thing she's a good sick person or I'd have to bury her in the backyard.

Oldest Kid, however, continued to get sicker and sicker. It seemed that her sinking spells were perfectly timed when we were around those grotesque overly empathetic people who fawned over her every sniffle. So, we were really unsure of the severity of said disease as it waxed and waned a bit.

Well, said child was taken to the MD yesterday. She has walking pneumonia. This is day two of missing school. She's happy as a clam now. She's not gonna be happy tomorrow when she goes back to school and sees the pile of work she has to catch up on.

This illness has very poor timing. She managed to score an audition spot for the fall play. The doctor said she can return to school 24 hours after the fever is gone and went on to say likely wednesday or thursday. This morning her fever was below 100. I'm gonna say that counts. We're gonna cross our fingers for wednesday. If she doesn't have an opportunity to try out for the play it will ruin her semester. She will indeed be a very sad person.

Her mood is much better today. I can tell she's feeling better. I'm having a hard time keeping her on the couch. And, her appetite is back. These are all good signs. Tomorrow will be day three of antibiotics so she should be good to go. :)

In The Night

I totally agree with Van Gogh. I love being outside at night.

Last night I spent some time out on the back porch. The dogs were out for their evening constitutional.

Being outside at night creates in me a longing. There's a crispness about the night. I love the bug noise! To me, it's the music of transparency. It's inspiration for openness. It makes me want to be sitting out in the woods listening to an acoustic guitar accompany some sort of spur of the moment story.

I can name several very vivid memories of things that happened outside at night in my lifetime. Most of them are very dear memories. I really love it. I love breathing the clean air. I love looking at stars. I love wrapping up in a soft blanket and quieting myself to listen to all of nature's noise.

I resolve to myself every time I find myself outdoors in the evening that I will be more intentional about getting myself outdoors in the evening. Sounds simple doesn't it?

It seems like much is said about darkness or how lots of crime happens at night. From early in life we learn that when it gets dark out it's time to come in.

Sometimes I wonder. Is the evening something that Satan has stolen from us by corrupting it and making us afraid? Or, is it simply that modern convenience has driven us inside to things that hold our attentions better?

All I know is that I miss the evening splendor of God's creation regularly and I'm saddened by that notion.

1:00am

Update

The sleepover was a success.

I went to bed at 3:00 this morning. Woo Hoo! I'm a little giddy for lack of sleep right now and soon will turn in for the night.

We ended up only having 2 spend the night (kinda). We had three guests. One came very late. Her mom said she couldn't spend the night because she doesn't know me (cool). She said her kid could stay 'til 11:00. At 11 the kid called and her mom said she could stay 'til midnight. At midnight her mom texted her saying she was on her way. Then the next text said she wasn't. Finally at 1:30am I declared bedtime. It took the goons a half hour to stop giggling. At 2:30am the girl's mom woke her up saying that she was outside. All the goons then helped her get her stuff together and go out to the car. They then had to resettle. The house was finally quiet at 3:00am. Fun, huh?

I REALLY want to post a picture of the girls playing with FLARP at 1:00am. It's gonna have the face of Oldest Kid (which is a foster care no, no). It's just too funny though. Ya have to see it. I haven't downloaded my camera so it'll have to be in another post. Oldest Kid got a can of FLARP from one of her friends. It's a very funny substance. They did all kinds of crazy stuff with it. Oldest Kid found out the hard way that it doesn't come off of ceilings very well. She got charged a service fee by Hubby Guy this morning who had to clean the ceiling and repaint. Oopsie!

IN OTHER NEWS: We managed to make it to Oldest Kid's first soccer game at 9:00am. I thought for sure she would be too tired to play. I was surprised to see that the coach played her most of the game and she's also a mighty fine defensive player. She made several really good saves. I'm a proud soccer mom. If she doesn't play at least that good next week then I'm gonna be forced to make her stay up really late on friday nights so she's tired enough to play well. :)