Like Fine Wine

Ok... let me qualify all this with I'm not a drinker. I've never even tasted wine.

I have, however, heard lots of references to fine wine. I've heard that it grows on you. I've heard that you have to pair the beverage with a food item that compliments it to really appreciate it. I've heard stuff about how it's aged to perfection, etc.

I have this to say about all that.

There are a couple things in my life that seem similar.

1) Old friends - I have one friendship in particular that has really experienced the gamut of things life has to offer. It's a friendship that has been aged. I don't know if perfection is the word I would assign to it. I would say about it, though, that age has brought a sweetness to it that I value highly. When I compare that friendship to some of the others that I have there's a definitely a lasting quality about it. I think at this point there's been so much invested that neither one of us would ever let it go. I'm not at all saying I want to. I'm just sayin...

2) Foster to adopt - I don't have the time, vocabulary, or emotional fortitude to appropriately and adequately explain the complexity of the foster to adopt circumstance. It does things to you emotionally that are unnatural. It ISN'T for the weak. What it requires can't be quantified on any existing scale.

The piece of it that reminds me of the fine wine reference is this: (Hang in I'll get there eventually)

When you lose a child that you love it breaks you in a way that only a person who has endured it understands. I endured it in the context of losing a child I fostered. I cannot imagine what it's like to lose a biological child. That just doesn't compute. It hurts my heart and head to think about.

We took in our current children 6 weeks after the loss of our first child. For almost 2 years now a part of me has been held back. I haven't yet to bond with my girls the way I did with the first one.

I feel like for the last two years we've participated in a process that had no guaranteed outcome at all. At times all I had towards it was bitterness. I was certain that the process was wasteful.

As I think about the adoption process that begins in 13 days, I begin to recognize the end of the process. I can start to imagine the sweetness. I can identify the work that has gone into the final product. I can place value in the relationship in a way I couldn't before because of the fear that I would lose them too.

I've begun to imagine things that previously were emotionally unsafe like learning to drive, graduations, boyfriends, and weddings. I've aged into these kids and when the adoption is final it will have been worth the process.