On Discovering a Connection

I said somewhere, sometime, in a post (I think) that I want to work on working out of my heart as much as I work out of my brain. I am pleased to announce that I have discovered a bridge between the two.

Here in the town where I live they have been working on building a new road. I feel like they've been building it for almost as long as I've lived here. They continue to toil away.  I had imagined that finding my brain-heart connection would be a lot like trying to get that road built. I had imagined that I would have to excavate for a few years before I found something that even looked like a beaten path between the two.

Well.... indeed, there is a bridge. It's a tentative one, kind of like an overgrown rope bridge over a foggy gorge....but it's there and so far it's able to bear my weight for brief forays to the other side.

I discovered something a couple of weeks ago when I was exploring "my heart side". For years I have believed the lie that I'm heartless. I believed I didn't have the capacity to love. I've not given any weight to my own feelings. I'm pretty stingy with any emotion but anger. I express that one with practiced ease. I'm the girl who doesn't cry at movies, or ever (with rare exceptions). I always thought that's how I was born. I discovered, though, a "heart side" chock-full of feelings and emotions. Some of them are encased in dust. I will need to do some cleaning. There are also lots of shiny new ones. It was a pretty fun discovery.

So many years of my life have been spent literally and figuratively alone with myself. I realized that I've been walking around numb. I had claimed the "heartless" lie. I was willfully living as if it were true. I locked myself inside that cold, hard lie and swallowed the key. Now that the walls have fallen and my heart is thawing I am beginning to feel things. I'm feeling a range of things. It's good.

On Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday! I've always been rather fond of this day.

The last several years have been not so good. Last year my own mother completely forgot. She completely skipped my birthday. She never even wished me a late happy birthday.

Today will be a good day. I already know it. My coworkers are the one group who never forgets. I'm walking this afternoon with one of my new friends. I'm dining this evening with my family. I'll top off the day with my ladies Bible study group. They are always fun.

This year I'm so grateful for who God made me. I'm grateful that I already am who He made me to be and that I'm not a disappointment to Him. I'm also super grateful for my expanded boundaries. I'm really loving all the extra people in my life these days.

Happy Birthday to me!

On Pegs

My circumstances during childhood often left much to be desired. Those desires have everything to do with how I have traditionally formed relationships. This week I'm starting to realize that perhaps I should reconsider some of my behaviors relative to how I handle the people in my life.

In a blog On Tests I touched on the people I usually feel like are keepers. I called them round pegs people. They are the people that easily fit into the placeholders I have reserved for people in my life. I don't know if you've ever played the game "Life". It has these little cars that you put the Mom peg and the Dad peg and the little pink girl pegs and little blue boy pegs to make your family. Any time I have ever defined family in my head that's what it looked like to me.... the little square car with the little square people all lined up just right. That's what my family always looked like.

I've always been a person to categorize people I meet. There are parent types, close friend types, acquaintances, coworkers, strangers, brothers, sisters, hatchet murderers (I seriously have that category), etc. Each category has a role and a safety rating. Some roles contain people that I let close. Some roles are filled with people marked dangerous and who I don't go near if I can help it. I'm realizing this week that my system is flawed. It may well actually be somewhat unnecessary.

Now.. there is nothing wrong with seeking safe relationships. It's wise to guard your heart, etc. The trouble that I'm having is I believe that I have been unfairly disqualifying people from being anywhere near me or being a part of my life in any way because of unfair tags that I have placed on them.  For example, one of my new friends describes herself as a "raging extrovert". I can assure you that 3 months ago I would have classified her unsafe and never thought another day about her. When I told some trusted friends that I had met her they all said about her, "Yep, she's a bit much. She's really out there."  You should know that I find her dear. We relate to each other from a really neat place. I haven't experienced that "really out there" girl. God is definitely in it. I am working on another new relationship with a lady who in some ways is really broken right now because of a heartbreaking life change. 3 months ago I would not have invested. She doesn't trust others so why would I trust her? You should know that whether or not we become close, God is in it. I'm not afraid like I would have been. I really love her. She's precious to me. I have a third friend right now that formerly I would have disqualified because of her career. My own stereotypes and fears would have kept me solidly far, far away from her. She's definitely a square peg for me. BUT... I am oddly drawn and I have been blessed. God is in it. All three of these women are AMAZING! All three of them 3 months ago I would have disqualified. That makes me sad.

Now that I get that God loves me and everyone else too, figurative "shape" doesn't really matter. There's a place in the kingdom for round pegs, square pegs, octagon pegs, etc. And.... everyone has something to offer.

Tis The Season

*Deep Breath*

I'm feeling pretty positive.

Gymnastics season is underway. Tryout week is over. I have chosen a team. I'm really excited about the possibility of having a decent season. Usually at this point in the season there are 1 or 2 that stand out and everyone else feels like filler. This season it really feels like there is decent potential. We may still likely not be able to compete well in other districts where kids train year-round in private gyms, but it's clear that our program is getting better. That, in itself, makes the season successful before anyone ever even salutes a judge.

I realize the pace of my posting has slowed. This is the most difficult season for me schedule-wise and brain-traffic wise. The ticker tape in my brain has changed mostly from what's going on in my spiritual life to what needs to get done for practice, who needs to focus on what skills, and can we really be ready for a meet by Dec. 12. That is a constant. I even dream about gymnastics between now and mid-February. It just so happens that this season also includes my youngest's birthday, my birthday, Hubby Guy's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and my wedding anniversary. It's busy.

The beautiful thing about this year is that my new-found freedom has definitely changed how well I'm able to deal with the pace of the season. It's odd to me that letting go of the NEED for control has amped up my ability to actually be in control. I don't feel like I'm chasing my tail. I feel less dread about what has to get done. There is still some stress there, but not stress that in the past has made me respond in unhealthy ways. One really healthy change that is going really well is that so far I'm not being a hermit. It's only been 1 week but I feel markedly better at this point than I ever have. I have several precious ones that I see at least once per week. I have a standing date for a weekly walk with one of my besties. I also have three new friends with which  I'm being intentional about building relationships. Life is GOOD on that front... perhaps better than it's ever been.

Today in the car my oldest out-of-the-blue said, "Why are you so popular all of the sudden?". It made me laugh. She's noticed that my boundaries have expanded. She's noticed that I don't keep to myself as much. It was interesting to hear her take on what exactly "being popular" means. It was really eye-opening. Her version of popular and my version of popular from when I was her age are different. I hadn't imagined that had changed that much. Who knew?

So there.

On The Me I Am When I Think No One is Watching

I have confessed before that my car is my safe place to dance unabashedly, sing at the top of my lungs, talk to myself, etc. It's that way because I'm pretty sure that no one is gonna show up in there with me unannounced. AND... for the most part everyone keeps to themselves inside a vehicle. For whatever reason I don't really worry about embarrassing myself for a millisecond passing people I don't know on the road.

At lunch today my children were embarrassed for me. I wasn't actually embarrassed.  The waiter approached our table while I was doing an impression of a demented chicken-like bird that I dreamed about last night. He actually approached two separate times and both times I was doing that impression. The children laughed so hard they were struggling to breathe. I would have happily shared my dream about the demented chicken-like birds with the waiter. I was being serious. The children apparently would never dream of appearing silly in front of strangers.

When I am at home alone, my entire house is a place that feels much like my car. I'm pretty free. It's not as contained as my car. I know on occasion that neighbors must hear me singing and being crazy and wonder if they should call for a straight jacket. They haven't, though, so that's good. That may explain, however, why they look at me odd sometimes.

When I am not home alone, there are two places that are somewhat safe for me to live very free. One of those is the kitchen. For the most part I can hear people coming if I'm not playing music too loud or have in my earphones. The safest of places to be crazy when people are home is definitely the basement. Well... today when we got home from lunch I went to the basement, earphones in, to finish folding a load of laundry. I had a decent sense of where everyone else was in the house .....so I thought.  Laundry folding generally takes me about three times as long as it should because that is my favorite place to dance and sing. I take frequent dance breaks. When I do that I go around the corner to the back part of the basement. Today I was dancing like a fool and I turned around to come back to my folding table and Hubby Guy was standing there stunned with tears of laughter threatening to spill out of his eyes. I was busted. I confessed to him that I act that way regularly in the basement. It was a fun moment because he feigned mortification. He thought it was great, though, I could tell.

I long for a time and a community where I can be fully me without being concerned about what people might think.

On One of These Things Is Not Like The Others

It's time now for a brief departure from my overriding blog topic of late.

Gymnastics season has started. This week is try-out week.

This is my third season as head coach. The plan for season one was to survive the coaching transition. The retiring coach was greatly loved and is still a teacher at the school. That was REALLY hard. She and I have very dissimilar coaching styles. I managed to successfully pull it off.  My second season was about establishing direction and fully implementing my own style of coaching. We also spent a lot of effort on promoting the program within the school and raising awareness of our team. I have BIG PLANS for this year. They are exciting plans. This is a building year. This year is all about creating a strong foundation.

We were so successful last year in promoting our team to the school that I had 25 girls show up for try-outs!! 25. I still can hardly believe that. As a new coach that was really encouraging. That is a very positive indicator. The flip side of that, though, is I don't have gym space, equipment, coaching staff, or practice time to keep that many. Fortunately, 2 of those didn't have the required physicals done so they were unable to participate. That left me with 23. Tonight I cut 4. That leaves me with 19. 16 is the number I have had the last 2 years. 16 is A LOT. It maxes out everything we have. So now things get tricky.

Coaching is hard. I find myself torn. On one hand I have my sport. I take it very seriously. I love my sport. I credit it for SO MUCH positive in my own life. I have a respect for it and I know what it takes to be successful at it.  On the other hand is the people aspect of coaching. I appreciate the opportunity to invest in high school students. It was the time in my life when I needed the most support. I struggle with balancing both aspects. I know the background of some of the kids trying out for the team. They don't have the necessary skills, but could sure use the positive and safe, inclusive environment that the team would provide. Cutting the 4 I had to cut tonight was brutal on the "people" side of the equation. It made me feel ill.

Now I'm left with deciding who gets a varsity spot, who gets a JV spot, do I cut one event wonders, do I take a gamble on a couple multiple sport participants, etc. AND... can I handle having 19 people in the gym at least twice a week and 13 on the other days. Or.. do I chicken out and cut a couple more?  My brain is freaking out.

On How My Friends Are Lot Like Water Wings

A couple of years ago Hubby Guy and I went through some training for how to deal with children like ours. In one session they introduced the concept of "shark music". We watched the same video of a beautiful path through the woods that opens up onto a gorgeous beach. The first time we watched the video it had nice peaceful music behind it. The second time we saw the video it had a really creepy, sinister sounding music track behind it.We spent the session talking about how perception can be easily tainted by what's in the background for a person. One person's best case scenario can be chock-full of fear and trepidation for the person standing right next to them.

Today has been a "shark music" kind of day for me. Things keep happening that tease my particular sensitivities. I've felt rather tentative emotionally-speaking. This morning was rainy and unpleasant. That didn't help AT ALL. BUT..... the sun came out and now it's spectacular outside. I'm feeling much better for the moment. My analytical side has taken over. I'm pretty sure God cleared up the skies just for me today.

From my "castle".... inside "my bubble"... I felt very detached. I was able to compartmentalize every little thing. Everything was filed away with precious little of it causing any real emotion or actual feeling. I lived above my world. I was determined to be controlled by no one ever. I'm learning now to be present and a part of my world. It isn't subject to me. I'm in it. To me that has felt a lot like floating in the ocean out of my depth. I have feelings. It's weird.

I was thinking today about how blessed I am to have such an amazing support system to help me transition into my new-found freedom. I was mentally cataloging "my crew". I may or may not have said before that lots of the time inside my head things look very Saturday morning cartoon-like. Well, I realized that my crew are a lot like water wings for me. I'm ok splashing around out of my depth until I learn to swim because I have a support system that helps keep me afloat.

On Learning How to Breathe

This past August our family went to Hawaii. We were there for 10 days. It's a place my Hubby Guy had on his bucket list. While we were there we made sure to do everything that was on any of our "lists" that could take place way, way, way, way out in the Pacific. My top priority was having Hawaiian Shaved Ice IN Hawaii. Simple..yes...but important to me. Don't judge.

Those who know me know that I married THE BEST Hubby Guy for me. He takes such good care of me. We enjoy our time together. We live a somewhat spoiled existence. We've been able to take some nice trips. It has seemed for several journeys now that snorkeling has come up. He has always wanted to go snorkeling. I have always balked at the idea. He also wants me to go whitewater rafting. Of that I am positively terrified. I'm scared of having an out-of-boat experience. Water really isn't my thing. I can manage lounging in a pool or in a boat in easy waters. That is about it.

Well, Hubby Guy decided that he would be snorkeling in Hawaii even if he had to go by himself. My guilt-o-meter couldn't stand that notion so I agreed to go. In fact, the whole family went. I spent literally days psyching myself up. Once we were there I took the lame "First-timers class" on the boat before I jumped in. The adventure started really rough. Firstly, the instructor told us to spray the special sauce into our masks so they wouldn't fog. I didn't have the patience to wait and wade through the people, etc. so I decided to go sans special sauce. Mistake.  Secondly, When I finally was in the water and away from the boat I decided to try the whole "snorkel concept - i.e. breathe with my face underwater."  I couldn't get myself to do it. Every time I stuck my face in the water and tried to breathe I sounded like I was ugly crying and trying to suck in air. It was crazy. I felt very panicky and I felt like every nerve was on end. Eventually the kid in my charge wanted to get back on the boat so we took a break. During the break I renewed my resolve to conquer the "snorkel concept". Before going back into the water I got some special sauce for my mask. I learned my lesson. I got back in the water and guess what.... I relaxed enough to get the hang of it. I was excited.

We ultimately went to a second snorkel site. My poor family had turned green after the first site. They decided to convalesce on the boat and forgo the second adventure. I, armed with my new skill of breathing with my face in the water, decided to go ahead and go alone.  THE COOLEST THING happened!!! I encountered a sea turtle. He swam right up to me.

For the last week I've felt like I did when I was trying to figure out how to breathe with my face in the water. I've felt somewhat panicky. I've been fighting the urge to just "get back on the boat" or, more appropriate for the moment, start rebuilding the castle. The notion of striving feels like part of my DNA. It feels wrong to just relax. I realized today, I need to relax and learn how to breathe. This whole living out of who God says I am is a new concept I'm tackling. Like any other new thing I will need to learn new skills. It's a change. BUT.... really cool stuff is waiting for me to learn the skill.  I'm excited.