On Fledgling Emotions

On Friday I was wildly happy. I was happy all day. I was so happy that others were entertained by how happy I was.

Today I'm angry. I'm so angry that I feel bad all over like I'm sick. My heart hurts.

In September I restarted life. I started living life from a place of freedom. It has been grand. BUT, the hardest part for me has been learning how to feel stuff. I'm a person who for my entire life has lived on emotional lockdown. It's much safer to simply be numb. That way things don't get to you.

I have enjoyed these months of learning to loosen up. I've enjoyed my senses being awakened. I'm just more accustomed to staying very "together".  Experiencing a range of emotions makes life less predictable. I don't think I care for the ebb and flow of it.

On What Makes Me Happy

I've been asked this question more than once: What makes you happy?  I've never had a real answer. My first thought usually is puppy breath, kittens, Chef Boyardee Ravioli, green Super Bubble, and animals in general (especially baby ones). I've never been proud of that answer. Those are all things that I like very much, but they are all superficial.

Today I'm happy...actually happy....spring in my step happy. Earlier I was pondering why. I've come up with a deeper answer to the happiness question. It's this...Seeing evidence that hard work and patience on my part hasn't been in vain makes me extremely happy. Unfortunately, this type of happiness, by it's very nature, is hard to come by. It's hard fought. I consider myself a pretty patient person. Honestly, though, I struggle while waiting. I second guess myself. I wonder, sometimes, if I've made the right choices. When in the midst of all of that second guessing, I forget regularly that there may actually be light on the other side.... that I could be headed for some serious lasting happiness. It has occurred to me that too often I accept superficial, instant gratification type things as happiness. I've been guilty of wondering about what's reasonable to expect from life. I've not ever expected much happiness. I guess that's why I have settled for the superficial. I'm not sure I've ever felt deserving of anything more than brief, surface happiness.

On Discovering a Connection

I said somewhere, sometime, in a post (I think) that I want to work on working out of my heart as much as I work out of my brain. I am pleased to announce that I have discovered a bridge between the two.

Here in the town where I live they have been working on building a new road. I feel like they've been building it for almost as long as I've lived here. They continue to toil away.  I had imagined that finding my brain-heart connection would be a lot like trying to get that road built. I had imagined that I would have to excavate for a few years before I found something that even looked like a beaten path between the two.

Well.... indeed, there is a bridge. It's a tentative one, kind of like an overgrown rope bridge over a foggy gorge....but it's there and so far it's able to bear my weight for brief forays to the other side.

I discovered something a couple of weeks ago when I was exploring "my heart side". For years I have believed the lie that I'm heartless. I believed I didn't have the capacity to love. I've not given any weight to my own feelings. I'm pretty stingy with any emotion but anger. I express that one with practiced ease. I'm the girl who doesn't cry at movies, or ever (with rare exceptions). I always thought that's how I was born. I discovered, though, a "heart side" chock-full of feelings and emotions. Some of them are encased in dust. I will need to do some cleaning. There are also lots of shiny new ones. It was a pretty fun discovery.

So many years of my life have been spent literally and figuratively alone with myself. I realized that I've been walking around numb. I had claimed the "heartless" lie. I was willfully living as if it were true. I locked myself inside that cold, hard lie and swallowed the key. Now that the walls have fallen and my heart is thawing I am beginning to feel things. I'm feeling a range of things. It's good.

On Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday! I've always been rather fond of this day.

The last several years have been not so good. Last year my own mother completely forgot. She completely skipped my birthday. She never even wished me a late happy birthday.

Today will be a good day. I already know it. My coworkers are the one group who never forgets. I'm walking this afternoon with one of my new friends. I'm dining this evening with my family. I'll top off the day with my ladies Bible study group. They are always fun.

This year I'm so grateful for who God made me. I'm grateful that I already am who He made me to be and that I'm not a disappointment to Him. I'm also super grateful for my expanded boundaries. I'm really loving all the extra people in my life these days.

Happy Birthday to me!

On Pegs

My circumstances during childhood often left much to be desired. Those desires have everything to do with how I have traditionally formed relationships. This week I'm starting to realize that perhaps I should reconsider some of my behaviors relative to how I handle the people in my life.

In a blog On Tests I touched on the people I usually feel like are keepers. I called them round pegs people. They are the people that easily fit into the placeholders I have reserved for people in my life. I don't know if you've ever played the game "Life". It has these little cars that you put the Mom peg and the Dad peg and the little pink girl pegs and little blue boy pegs to make your family. Any time I have ever defined family in my head that's what it looked like to me.... the little square car with the little square people all lined up just right. That's what my family always looked like.

I've always been a person to categorize people I meet. There are parent types, close friend types, acquaintances, coworkers, strangers, brothers, sisters, hatchet murderers (I seriously have that category), etc. Each category has a role and a safety rating. Some roles contain people that I let close. Some roles are filled with people marked dangerous and who I don't go near if I can help it. I'm realizing this week that my system is flawed. It may well actually be somewhat unnecessary.

Now.. there is nothing wrong with seeking safe relationships. It's wise to guard your heart, etc. The trouble that I'm having is I believe that I have been unfairly disqualifying people from being anywhere near me or being a part of my life in any way because of unfair tags that I have placed on them.  For example, one of my new friends describes herself as a "raging extrovert". I can assure you that 3 months ago I would have classified her unsafe and never thought another day about her. When I told some trusted friends that I had met her they all said about her, "Yep, she's a bit much. She's really out there."  You should know that I find her dear. We relate to each other from a really neat place. I haven't experienced that "really out there" girl. God is definitely in it. I am working on another new relationship with a lady who in some ways is really broken right now because of a heartbreaking life change. 3 months ago I would not have invested. She doesn't trust others so why would I trust her? You should know that whether or not we become close, God is in it. I'm not afraid like I would have been. I really love her. She's precious to me. I have a third friend right now that formerly I would have disqualified because of her career. My own stereotypes and fears would have kept me solidly far, far away from her. She's definitely a square peg for me. BUT... I am oddly drawn and I have been blessed. God is in it. All three of these women are AMAZING! All three of them 3 months ago I would have disqualified. That makes me sad.

Now that I get that God loves me and everyone else too, figurative "shape" doesn't really matter. There's a place in the kingdom for round pegs, square pegs, octagon pegs, etc. And.... everyone has something to offer.

Tis The Season

*Deep Breath*

I'm feeling pretty positive.

Gymnastics season is underway. Tryout week is over. I have chosen a team. I'm really excited about the possibility of having a decent season. Usually at this point in the season there are 1 or 2 that stand out and everyone else feels like filler. This season it really feels like there is decent potential. We may still likely not be able to compete well in other districts where kids train year-round in private gyms, but it's clear that our program is getting better. That, in itself, makes the season successful before anyone ever even salutes a judge.

I realize the pace of my posting has slowed. This is the most difficult season for me schedule-wise and brain-traffic wise. The ticker tape in my brain has changed mostly from what's going on in my spiritual life to what needs to get done for practice, who needs to focus on what skills, and can we really be ready for a meet by Dec. 12. That is a constant. I even dream about gymnastics between now and mid-February. It just so happens that this season also includes my youngest's birthday, my birthday, Hubby Guy's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and my wedding anniversary. It's busy.

The beautiful thing about this year is that my new-found freedom has definitely changed how well I'm able to deal with the pace of the season. It's odd to me that letting go of the NEED for control has amped up my ability to actually be in control. I don't feel like I'm chasing my tail. I feel less dread about what has to get done. There is still some stress there, but not stress that in the past has made me respond in unhealthy ways. One really healthy change that is going really well is that so far I'm not being a hermit. It's only been 1 week but I feel markedly better at this point than I ever have. I have several precious ones that I see at least once per week. I have a standing date for a weekly walk with one of my besties. I also have three new friends with which  I'm being intentional about building relationships. Life is GOOD on that front... perhaps better than it's ever been.

Today in the car my oldest out-of-the-blue said, "Why are you so popular all of the sudden?". It made me laugh. She's noticed that my boundaries have expanded. She's noticed that I don't keep to myself as much. It was interesting to hear her take on what exactly "being popular" means. It was really eye-opening. Her version of popular and my version of popular from when I was her age are different. I hadn't imagined that had changed that much. Who knew?

So there.

On The Me I Am When I Think No One is Watching

I have confessed before that my car is my safe place to dance unabashedly, sing at the top of my lungs, talk to myself, etc. It's that way because I'm pretty sure that no one is gonna show up in there with me unannounced. AND... for the most part everyone keeps to themselves inside a vehicle. For whatever reason I don't really worry about embarrassing myself for a millisecond passing people I don't know on the road.

At lunch today my children were embarrassed for me. I wasn't actually embarrassed.  The waiter approached our table while I was doing an impression of a demented chicken-like bird that I dreamed about last night. He actually approached two separate times and both times I was doing that impression. The children laughed so hard they were struggling to breathe. I would have happily shared my dream about the demented chicken-like birds with the waiter. I was being serious. The children apparently would never dream of appearing silly in front of strangers.

When I am at home alone, my entire house is a place that feels much like my car. I'm pretty free. It's not as contained as my car. I know on occasion that neighbors must hear me singing and being crazy and wonder if they should call for a straight jacket. They haven't, though, so that's good. That may explain, however, why they look at me odd sometimes.

When I am not home alone, there are two places that are somewhat safe for me to live very free. One of those is the kitchen. For the most part I can hear people coming if I'm not playing music too loud or have in my earphones. The safest of places to be crazy when people are home is definitely the basement. Well... today when we got home from lunch I went to the basement, earphones in, to finish folding a load of laundry. I had a decent sense of where everyone else was in the house .....so I thought.  Laundry folding generally takes me about three times as long as it should because that is my favorite place to dance and sing. I take frequent dance breaks. When I do that I go around the corner to the back part of the basement. Today I was dancing like a fool and I turned around to come back to my folding table and Hubby Guy was standing there stunned with tears of laughter threatening to spill out of his eyes. I was busted. I confessed to him that I act that way regularly in the basement. It was a fun moment because he feigned mortification. He thought it was great, though, I could tell.

I long for a time and a community where I can be fully me without being concerned about what people might think.

On One of These Things Is Not Like The Others

It's time now for a brief departure from my overriding blog topic of late.

Gymnastics season has started. This week is try-out week.

This is my third season as head coach. The plan for season one was to survive the coaching transition. The retiring coach was greatly loved and is still a teacher at the school. That was REALLY hard. She and I have very dissimilar coaching styles. I managed to successfully pull it off.  My second season was about establishing direction and fully implementing my own style of coaching. We also spent a lot of effort on promoting the program within the school and raising awareness of our team. I have BIG PLANS for this year. They are exciting plans. This is a building year. This year is all about creating a strong foundation.

We were so successful last year in promoting our team to the school that I had 25 girls show up for try-outs!! 25. I still can hardly believe that. As a new coach that was really encouraging. That is a very positive indicator. The flip side of that, though, is I don't have gym space, equipment, coaching staff, or practice time to keep that many. Fortunately, 2 of those didn't have the required physicals done so they were unable to participate. That left me with 23. Tonight I cut 4. That leaves me with 19. 16 is the number I have had the last 2 years. 16 is A LOT. It maxes out everything we have. So now things get tricky.

Coaching is hard. I find myself torn. On one hand I have my sport. I take it very seriously. I love my sport. I credit it for SO MUCH positive in my own life. I have a respect for it and I know what it takes to be successful at it.  On the other hand is the people aspect of coaching. I appreciate the opportunity to invest in high school students. It was the time in my life when I needed the most support. I struggle with balancing both aspects. I know the background of some of the kids trying out for the team. They don't have the necessary skills, but could sure use the positive and safe, inclusive environment that the team would provide. Cutting the 4 I had to cut tonight was brutal on the "people" side of the equation. It made me feel ill.

Now I'm left with deciding who gets a varsity spot, who gets a JV spot, do I cut one event wonders, do I take a gamble on a couple multiple sport participants, etc. AND... can I handle having 19 people in the gym at least twice a week and 13 on the other days. Or.. do I chicken out and cut a couple more?  My brain is freaking out.

On How My Friends Are Lot Like Water Wings

A couple of years ago Hubby Guy and I went through some training for how to deal with children like ours. In one session they introduced the concept of "shark music". We watched the same video of a beautiful path through the woods that opens up onto a gorgeous beach. The first time we watched the video it had nice peaceful music behind it. The second time we saw the video it had a really creepy, sinister sounding music track behind it.We spent the session talking about how perception can be easily tainted by what's in the background for a person. One person's best case scenario can be chock-full of fear and trepidation for the person standing right next to them.

Today has been a "shark music" kind of day for me. Things keep happening that tease my particular sensitivities. I've felt rather tentative emotionally-speaking. This morning was rainy and unpleasant. That didn't help AT ALL. BUT..... the sun came out and now it's spectacular outside. I'm feeling much better for the moment. My analytical side has taken over. I'm pretty sure God cleared up the skies just for me today.

From my "castle".... inside "my bubble"... I felt very detached. I was able to compartmentalize every little thing. Everything was filed away with precious little of it causing any real emotion or actual feeling. I lived above my world. I was determined to be controlled by no one ever. I'm learning now to be present and a part of my world. It isn't subject to me. I'm in it. To me that has felt a lot like floating in the ocean out of my depth. I have feelings. It's weird.

I was thinking today about how blessed I am to have such an amazing support system to help me transition into my new-found freedom. I was mentally cataloging "my crew". I may or may not have said before that lots of the time inside my head things look very Saturday morning cartoon-like. Well, I realized that my crew are a lot like water wings for me. I'm ok splashing around out of my depth until I learn to swim because I have a support system that helps keep me afloat.

On Learning How to Breathe

This past August our family went to Hawaii. We were there for 10 days. It's a place my Hubby Guy had on his bucket list. While we were there we made sure to do everything that was on any of our "lists" that could take place way, way, way, way out in the Pacific. My top priority was having Hawaiian Shaved Ice IN Hawaii. Simple..yes...but important to me. Don't judge.

Those who know me know that I married THE BEST Hubby Guy for me. He takes such good care of me. We enjoy our time together. We live a somewhat spoiled existence. We've been able to take some nice trips. It has seemed for several journeys now that snorkeling has come up. He has always wanted to go snorkeling. I have always balked at the idea. He also wants me to go whitewater rafting. Of that I am positively terrified. I'm scared of having an out-of-boat experience. Water really isn't my thing. I can manage lounging in a pool or in a boat in easy waters. That is about it.

Well, Hubby Guy decided that he would be snorkeling in Hawaii even if he had to go by himself. My guilt-o-meter couldn't stand that notion so I agreed to go. In fact, the whole family went. I spent literally days psyching myself up. Once we were there I took the lame "First-timers class" on the boat before I jumped in. The adventure started really rough. Firstly, the instructor told us to spray the special sauce into our masks so they wouldn't fog. I didn't have the patience to wait and wade through the people, etc. so I decided to go sans special sauce. Mistake.  Secondly, When I finally was in the water and away from the boat I decided to try the whole "snorkel concept - i.e. breathe with my face underwater."  I couldn't get myself to do it. Every time I stuck my face in the water and tried to breathe I sounded like I was ugly crying and trying to suck in air. It was crazy. I felt very panicky and I felt like every nerve was on end. Eventually the kid in my charge wanted to get back on the boat so we took a break. During the break I renewed my resolve to conquer the "snorkel concept". Before going back into the water I got some special sauce for my mask. I learned my lesson. I got back in the water and guess what.... I relaxed enough to get the hang of it. I was excited.

We ultimately went to a second snorkel site. My poor family had turned green after the first site. They decided to convalesce on the boat and forgo the second adventure. I, armed with my new skill of breathing with my face in the water, decided to go ahead and go alone.  THE COOLEST THING happened!!! I encountered a sea turtle. He swam right up to me.

For the last week I've felt like I did when I was trying to figure out how to breathe with my face in the water. I've felt somewhat panicky. I've been fighting the urge to just "get back on the boat" or, more appropriate for the moment, start rebuilding the castle. The notion of striving feels like part of my DNA. It feels wrong to just relax. I realized today, I need to relax and learn how to breathe. This whole living out of who God says I am is a new concept I'm tackling. Like any other new thing I will need to learn new skills. It's a change. BUT.... really cool stuff is waiting for me to learn the skill.  I'm excited.

On Sunshine and Rainbows

The following is lifted from the Facebook status of a friend (Rebekah W). She is an amazing young woman and what she has to say completely hit the mark for where I find myself at the moment:

 

      I am reminded of a statement that C.S. Lewis made “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”~ C.S. Lewis,  The Weight of Glory

 I forget too easily that I am to "Be still and know He is God" Ps. 41:10 and that I am not made to perform but to bear the image of Almighty God in a manner that accurately reflects His character and nature. Preaching the Gospel to my heart today! Eph.2!

 

 

I've had a chain of several rough days. When it rains it pours. Last night I was with a trusted friend disclosing my thoughts. I've been feeling very "stuck" since Saturday. Though it felt very good to wring out my brain on her couch, I didn't leave there necessarily feeling like I had any more answers than I went there with.

 

This morning, though, while doing my hair, God spoke to my heart. I was reminded of what Rebekah said, "I am not made to perform but to bear the image of Almighty God in a manner that accurately reflects His character and nature."  This is the thought I had: In this life there will be pain. That is a fact. Scripture doesn't offer another option. In my hunt for authenticity, I have neglected something major. My performance-based, castle-dwelling lifestyle calls for perpetual sunshine and rainbows. It calls for me to fake it until I make it. Under my new paradigm, I neglected to plan for times when I hurt, for times when unresolved sin drags me back into the pit. The truth is those things are a part of life too. I'm realizing now, DUH!, that performance and authenticity can't coexist. I feel like I should have saved this post for Halloween because that last sentence to me is SCARY!!!!

 

To deal with pain, struggles, unresolved sin, etc..... I will have to trust God with a trust that feels to me very unnatural. I have to completely ban self-sufficiency.  I'm pretty sure I'm having heart palpitations right now! AND.... I'm gonna have to lay down the pride that has kept me from being appropriately vulnerable.  *Insert scary music*  And the plot thickens. God can handle it. Moreover, He wants to handle it. He wants me to trust Him with all of me.

 

 

Fave verse for today:

 

Deuteronomy 31:6

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

⁶ Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For it is the Lord your God who goes with you; He will not leave you or forsake you.”

On the Benefits of Honesty

A few months ago I ran across Dr. Carmella's Guide to Understanding the Introvert. I found it incredible and 100% accurate. I can't figure out who wrote it, but I love it! Out of the whole thing, though, the picture above has stayed with me.

I've been living in "happy town" for several weeks now. I've been absolutely surrounded by an amazing support system. WELL, this weekend I'm away. Off with a bunch of weird theater people who live in a parallel plane that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I'm isolated. I'm alone with myself. I'm lonely.

My former bubble wasn't healthy. BUT.... in a way, it did protect me. At least that's what I thought. When you keep yourself isolated from people, you hurt, but you don't get hurt by people as much. Being hurt by people is what drove me into the bubble in the first place. I made the conscious choice years ago to close myself off... to let very few in.

Sometimes I waver. I'm really enjoying letting people in. This morning, though, my feelings got hurt. I responded. I responded by isolating myself and drowning my sorrows in fat and calories. I dove right back into that bubble without any thought. I verbally punched the person who hurt me. It was awful. I retreated. Yuck! I didn't like it. It was sadly familiar. I hated it. But then... I recovered. I wallowed for a bit, but then I did something WILD and CRAZY. True story. I climbed out of the bubble, went downstairs, found some of my weird people, and confessed about having a pity party. (Aside - I like to take mental pictures of facial expressions I get from others when I say stuff sometimes - like the validation face I got from my youngest a couple of weeks ago) I got the BEST FACE from one of the "weirds".  She was blown away that a stranger to her had just talked about something so "gut level".  Right after that the strangest thing happened. The three of us, all mothers of high school girls,  were really honest with each other about how our children make us feel sometimes. We had a moment of shared understanding. You know what? That moment was freeing. I realized that the bubble, though it feels safe, actually isolates me. It doesn't protect me, it keeps me locked away from the people or environments that can support me. Moreover, it perpetuates the emotionally dishonest lifestyle that our society embraces. When I was honest with my peers, they were honest with me too and we all benefitted from the conversation. That, my friends, is how it should be. It's how it was designed, before sin with all of it's shame and hiding hijacked what was beautiful and made people start to hide.

On Removing the Dam From My River of Creativity

This weekend I am at the Virginia Theater Association Annual Conference. I have been surrounded all day by "drama people". Several thousand (it seems) of those "drama people" are also teenagers. Interesting.  I have also encountered some odd adults..... older "drama people".  Even more interesting.

All day for the first two days (today and tomorrow), aside from breakout sessions for learning how to be EVEN MORE DRAMATIC, high school One Act teams are taking turns performing their plays. There are 44 high school teams in attendance. Between getting here, which is where the sporting part of this competition takes place, and finding rooms...eating lunch...and tracking the group I'm here to keep control of.... I've seen 3 plays. Again..... Interesting.

Soon after I took my seat in the auditorium for the first show, a very odd bird-like woman sat next to me. After a couple of seconds of sitting there she looked right at me and said, "Well, hello there" in an odd sing-songy voice. She went on to ask if I was a teacher or chaperone. When I declared my chaperone role she asked if I planned on attending shows or breakout sessions too. I shared that I would be solely watching shows. Quickly she broke out her little book of all the things going on and pointed me to a breakout session just for parents. The title is "My Student Wants to Study Theater in College: What Do I Do Next?" .  When I assured her that my "student" wants to get a life and a real career she practically snarled at me. Good times.

People watching is premium here. There are people everywhere! It's better than the mall at Christmastime.  I'm feeling somewhat startled at myself that I'm not downstairs right now just sitting and watching. I haven't really felt like it. I have a theory.

A few weeks ago I was sharing with a friend that I used to be very creative. One day, though, it just left me.  I've really struggled with that because it was something about myself that I really enjoyed. Being in this environment has made me somewhat mourn my creativity. Although there have already been wonderful benefits from living this "new life", I'm certain that the return of my creativity might just be ushered in as well.  That will be fun! This weekend definitely has sparked the "want" for me to unleash my creative side. In the interim, though, being surrounded by really creative people feels very unnatural.

On Joy

I am blown away right now.

At the beginning of the month a friend of mine sent me a link to a blog post that someone had written about her kids who are adopted from foster care. I immediately identified with her heart. I understood what relatively few can understand.  I was so moved by what she wrote that I went back to the beginning of her blog and read every word that she has written. Somewhere along the line I decided to reach out and tell her "thank you".

One of the ugly accusations that has been ruling my life is that "I'm unworthy". Those words run through my head regularly on a ticker tape. Those words will take time to overcome. One lesson I learned a very long time ago was to have expectations of acceptance from no one. I just accepted that no one would want to be around me. I don't need to "inflict" myself on people.

Last week I reached out to the blogger again.... I must be crazy or something. I simply told her that based on her blog we've had some common experiences. Since we're from the same community I offered to "go for a walk sometime". She responded positively.  Well today she wrote something that prompted me to ask if she wanted to walk today.... and she did. So I got together with an almost complete stranger. WUT?! I didn't think about it. I just did it.

Today I wasn't "inflicted" on anyone. I met a kindred spirit. Moreover, I DID have something to offer. I had matching experiences and ears to listen. God is good. Today by simply chatting with a friend I both felt God's love and showed His love to someone else. I am overjoyed.

Tuesday...Take 2

This morning was really weird for Hubby Guy and myself.

Scott is the rooster in our house. He is the one that declares it morning. He is the one who sets the alarm. We all happily let him fulfill that role. I know it's time to get up when he comes out of the bathroom and wakes me up.

So this morning he came and woke me up. I was not happy about it because I was sound asleep and dreaming. I always have a terrible time getting up when I'm awakened from a dream. When I finally sat up I noticed 2 things. The first was that it was profoundly dark outside for 7:00 in the morning. The other was that the clock on top of the dresser was wrong. It said 4:38. I wondered how it got messed up. I managed to scrape myself out of bed and get in the shower.

When I was drying off Scott knocked on the door and told me to come out of the bathroom before I finished getting ready. He said he needed to show me something. That was an unusual request. My mind went crazy wondering what the mystery would be. I hurriedly dried off and left the bathroom.

Upon my emergence, Scott asked me to look at his alarm clock. I did. It was just before 7. Then he asked me to look at the clock on top of the dresser. It was just before 5. As it turns out, the clock on top of the dresser was correct. We were up 2 hours early!  He had gotten up and gotten ready. He went downstairs to let the dogs out and one refused to go. He sat down to watch his stock shows and wondered why the programming was different today. He looked a the clocks downstairs and thought perhaps that one of the kids had messed with them because they were wrong too.  At some point he realized, Duh!... his alarm clock had been messed up.

So... we went back to bed and slept for almost 2 hours!  As I was drifting off to sleep I told Scott I always do want a morning nap at some point before I leave the house. This morning I got a nice one.

On Finding Authenticity - Part 2

     As a child, I learned quickly what was expected of me. Our household was one of rigid standards and very little levity. My intelligence served me well. I got straight A's without much effort. I did as I was told. I adhered to the standard like a good little soldier. I learned to be alone. I learned to take care of myself. I learned to cook. I learned to clean. I learned that life is lonely. You could say that I BECAME the standard. I was who I was told to be.

     When I asked Jesus into my heart, I wasn't sure what to do from there. Like other milestones in my life, I was alone. My family quit going to church right about that time. For many, many years of my Christian life I felt completely unchanged. I started going to church on my own in 9th grade. I was invited by some friends at school.  I had always been a "good girl" so I wasn't doing anything different. I didn't experience the radical change that some do when they come to Christ. In 9th grade, though, I started to hear more from scripture about how life is supposed to be. But, because messages to youth are usually more of the "don't do these things" types of messages, that's what I began to cling to. I was good at being a good soldier. I was familiar with rigid standards. I took a very legalistic stance on Christianity. It felt better to me to be working to please God where I felt accepted than working for my parents who I was never good enough for. To me that felt like change.

     Before now when I would tell my "testimony", that was about it. It would end with "and since then I've been learning and growing, blah, blah, blah, more Christianese, etc."  The truth is, I have studied. I have grown. I have learned a lot from scripture. The problem with all of that is I've applied it very narrowly and seen it from a very skewed place. I've taken everything up to the tallest turret of my castle and categorized and sorted and made generalizations of the information. I made it all neatly fit into "my world" instead of the inverse.... the way it should have been. I made it fit the mold of who I was told to be. I made it fit the mold I was shoved into by circumstances beyond my control. I warped it and bent it. I used it however it would benefit me best. I used it to prove that I was ok. I used it to validate my way of life. I caged it up like an animal. I locked it up with me because I was locked up too.

     And now... I've been freed. I understand that I'm not bound to the law. I'm also not bound to "the standard" set so long ago. Without those things I'm somewhat lost. The sum of our experiences equals what it equals. I've done life a certain way for so long I'm not sure how exactly to change. So I'm working on trusting and being still. I'm trusting that once the dust settles from the castle collapse I will start to recognize what is the truth about me. My sincere hope is that I will learn to operate authentically. My desire is to walk away from anything about me that is not what He created me to be.

I was listening to iTunes radio this afternoon and found a new song that I LOVE!!! It's another exact match for where I feel like I am this minute. Here's the video:

I Can Just Be Me

I'll close with this.... in the book TrueFaced they use THE BEST imagery.  Throughout the book they are talking about gifts of grace that God gives us. On each one there's a tag that says this: "Take it. Apply It and Trust me to make it real. I Love You!  Jesus"  I am trusting Him to make it real. I'm trusting Him to grow back the pathway from my brain to my heart so that I can internalize all this good stuff and not keep it "running the track" in my brain.  I can hardly wait!

On Finding Authenticity - Part 1

"Searching for authenticity" seems like such an odd phrase to me. It seems to me that a person is either authentic or not. It should happen naturally. Life happens, though, and I think before we know it life can begin to be defined by our reaction to the sum of our experiences instead of our natural inclinations. At least, that's how it has felt for me.

I was born in 1972 to parents who are believers. I was told that I began going to church "in utero". We were a family that were at the church every time the doors were open...Sunday school, kids church, "Wednesday night supper", kids choir, Vacation Bible School, and any and every other activity that a person could be at church for. Church was life. My brothers and I also attended Christian school. It's very safe to say that we were immersed in the Christian lifestyle. To further assure our protection from "worldly things" we had no television, and weren't allowed to see newspapers. I was only allowed to listen to Christian music as well. I grew up on The Imperials, Dallas Holm and Praise, David Meece, Leon Patillo, The Goads and whoever else made the cut in my Father's eyes. The truth is that I don't feel like I really missed anything. I was a bit socially awkward, though, because I had little to nothing in common to talk about with my friends. I was also bookish... ok a nerd... too and that didn't help.

My world opened up a bit in 4th grade. That year there was a new girl at school. For whatever reason, she decided we were going to be friends. She pursued me until I gave in and we became really tight friends. We went everywhere together. We were a package deal. Pretty quickly after beginning to hang out with her I started noticing that there were some pretty extreme differences in our households. I spent A LOT of time at her house. She didn't like being at my house. I thought her family was really weird. They enjoyed each other's company. I'd never seen anything like it. They hung out with each other because they wanted to, not just because they were related. I thought they were really unusual. To top it off, her parents were big Me fans. They were always so kind. They were always spoiling me. It was an experience like none I'd ever had.

My parents were also Amway distributers. When we weren't at church or school, chances were that we were doing something "business" related. Through Amway I met several more friends. Every summer we would go to a big convention at a cool resort. As we got older we had more freedom during the day when our parents were "at meetings". I usually spent most of my time with 3 other girls my age. One of the girls was a member of the family of musicians that were always at those conventions too to provide the entertainment. We spent a lot of time with them because they were "cool". The times I spent hanging out with that amazing family ultimately changed my life. They were, in many ways, like my friend's family that I thought was so odd. They were crazy in love with each other. They took all that love stuff to a whole new level. They were also crazy in love with God. In all of my time at church I had never seen anyone like those people. I wanted what they had. I wanted to know God like they knew Him. The summer before I turned 14, I invited Jesus into my heart.

On Upside-Down Inauthenticity

It's sunday again.... and, as usual, that means a quiet house and time for me to sit on the porch and read, etc. To top it off, it's GORGEOUS today!

My inspiration this fall has all come from the personal journey on which I find myself these days. I'm enjoying myself thoroughly. I have likened the last month to taking a class in college. It has required homework, assignments that require the help of others, and lots of study time. The most wonderful part is that no grade will be assigned.

Here's the thought that struck me this morning:  Don't just trade inauthenticity for inauthenticity.

As the depth of how off track I have been comes to light, I am appalled. I am increasingly aware of what work lays ahead of me. I'm finding that my tendency is just to want to "flip over" what I was doing before... because what I was doing was exactly wrong, flipping it over would be exactly right....right?  What I would get would just be upside-down inauthenticity. It wouldn't fix my predicament. It would just change my orientation to it.

Self-sufficiency has been a way of life for as long as I can remember. I have specific memories of needing help, even calling out, but no one came. I learned that people don't care about me. I became good at addressing my own needs, taking care of myself, needing no one. As I said before, I constructed a fortified castle. From the castle, I appeared strong. From the castle, I proclaimed to be together. People said things like "You've been so brave" and "You've overcome so much". I received those words, but I was a pretender. Behind those fortified castle walls I was hoarding pain, a very detailed list of wrongs, and accusations too numerous to count.

The picture that keeps coming to mind today is that of when you get hurt and recoil. People wanting to help want "to see". Everything in you is in protective mode, though, and you just can't bring yourself to let people "see", even though you know you need the help.  As I sit here in the pile of rubble that was formerly my castle, I feel recoiled. I feel very protective. I very much want help but am struggling with letting anyone "see". The biggest reason for my hesitancy is I'm afraid to look myself. I know the wounds I've sustained are serious and numerous. I'm so, so afraid too of getting hurt more.

BUT....I am so sick-to-death of hiding. I'm completely over it. The opposite of hiding would be full disclosure, right? My inclination is to just be "wide open", to put it all out there. Purging feels mighty good. But like I said before, changing from hiding to "wide open" won't change my predicament. It will just change my orientation to it.

So, I'm searching for authenticity. I long to be honest and vulnerable. I long to be and to operate out of who God says I am. I'm just not accustomed to trusting and being still. I feel a powerful urge still to strive somehow... strive differently than I had been, but still strive.

The Stuff of These Days

Whew!!! For a while there I managed to post daily. I wish I could keep that up. The truth, however, is that I'm needing more time to process. I still have SO MUCH going on with my big, hairy monster slaying journey. It's all wonderfully exciting too!!!

For the past few days I feel like I've been just resting. I'm still learning to stop striving. I'm learning to trust God.  Humility = trusting God and others with me. The really awesome part is I feel pretty successful. I'm having a spiritual  "look Mom, no hands" moment. I really like the feel of just trusting. I do, in fact, feel lighter.

One really great thing that has happened is I'm beginning to recapture a part of me that has been long lost. I've also been better able to hear God's voice. All kinds of really great things are happening. One of those things is I have a new friend. We are really "sympatico". I love hanging out with her. We sat for 2 1/2 hours today chatting about life. My love language is quality time so I left there STUFFED. It was awesome. One thing about her that I totally love is that she is older than me. I have no idea why that matters. I think that fact provides a type of older-wiserness to our conversations, though. On my journey of "learning to trust God and others with me", I do find it a tiny bit easier to start with persons that are a little bit older. Another thing I love about her is that she asks good questions. She actually converses with me. She doesn't preach at me. She listens and responds. I find that really refreshing. She doesn't have an agenda. She finds me interesting. I find her wonderfully interesting as well and look forward to learning more about her.  I LOVE new friends.

Today in my book I read about receiving and giving love. I'm still in shock. I need to read the chapter again. I will definitely share some of it once I can get any kind of grasp on what I read.

Goodnight world. (Or good morning or good day to all 2 of you who read this..... I love you for it)

On Trashed Castles

Today I find myself grateful. I'm grateful that God doesn't just decide to be sick to death of me and just wash His hands of me and all of my odd notions. The truth is, instead of walking away, He died for me. I am full of awe.

Here's another quote from the book I'm reading: (I highly recommend it, by the way):

"When we view others as sinners rather than saints, we will demand that others work on their sin in order to have a relationship with us."

I recently shared with someone dear to me that since salvation I have been hard at work on a fortified castle. That castle has been my safe place (or my twisted idea of safe). The foundation of the castle is "the law". I set up camp there an have been toiling away building my "Good Girl" castle. I have operated, very legalistically, out of that castle for years. I have looked down on others, judged them, and kept most people at a very safe distance.

These last couple of weeks have been both terrifying and exciting. Lots of questions have come up. When I read that line a couple of days ago, it hit the side of my castle like a giant wrecking ball and knocked it over. Then God, kind of like King Kong (work with me here... I can't help the crazy imagery that happens in my head) picked me up in His giant hand and looked me in the eyeballs (with Love) and I've been waiting a couple of days for what He would say.

Not a very loving look, but you get the picture.

The first thing that came to mind was my precious square pegs people. Before God got all quiet and "stare-y", He made sure I was reminded of them. Very humbly I say, Ouch! I deserved that. I deserve His wrath. I deserve to be mashed into an oily spot on planet earth. What has been somewhat unnerving about this process is the Love with which He regards me. I've heard forever that God is Love. I think I'm finally starting to actually feel the warmth of it. The castle was a very cold place, fortified yet not insulated.

This afternoon, the verses below are what came to mind:

Hebrews 10:23

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

23 Let us hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

Philippians 1:6

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

So, again, I feel grateful. I'm grateful that upon salvation He made me a new person. I'm excited to know that He is maturing me into that person (words from the book, not mine). AND, I'm grateful that, even in my wretched castle, I'm dearly loved. I can't wait to see what dreams He has for me.

On Feeling Refreshed

Let me describe for you one of my favorite scenarios (that happens entirely too rarely): Getting clean, putting on clean PJs, crawling into clean sheets on a bed in a clean, cool room and sleeping until I feel like waking up. I could almost drool thinking about making it happen. I can come close some weekends but there usually seems to be something that keeps the scenario from completely playing out. Another thing I love is new clothes that fit really well and make me feel "cute". (which is another rare occurrence) At the root of those two things is the notion of feeling comfortable and well rested. To me, those things feel refreshing. They make me feel all energetic and light.The truth is that I could name lots of things that physically or mentally put me in a "happy place".

When I had my revelation a couple of weeks ago, I felt very unsure about what it would all mean to daily life. Although exciting, "happy place" isn't how I would describe the feeling at all. I don't actually care for that much change, especially large amounts of it all at once. YUK! I'm sad to say that I can't easily list things that have made me feel "spiritually" light or refreshed. Spiritual things always seem to feel heavy or a lot like work. I've learned this last couple of weeks that I feel that way because I've been doing faith completely wrong. What I thought I was doing was striving to please God but in actuality I was just mindlessly checking off a "good Christian stuff to do" list under my own power.  YIKES!

This is what I read today from the book I've been reading: (Parts Paraphrased)
     I can enter the Room of Grace only when I humbly acknowledge that I need to trust God and                                       others with myself and give up my striving to be godly.

&

Grace brings us adoption into God's family, a new identity, a new life, new power, new capacity & God's full protection - with absolutely no strings attached!

Tonight I feel spiritually light. I actually wrote 3 or 4 pages of notes that are equally as awesome as the two I shared. I feel comfortable and refreshed. I think for the first time perhaps, I feel actually close to God instead of theoretically close or just wowed by something I've read. It's a nice feeling that I look forward to experiencing more of.

On Tests

Did you know that God is pretty funny? I've wondered recently when my new-found way to live my faith would be tested. Answer: tonight.

I was reading earlier about authenticity and trust. All through this book I'm reading it talks about loving people right where they are. It's like all my life I've been searching for round holes people and all I've found is people who are square pegs. SO FEW people have fit into my life. I needed people who were "like me" because that has felt to me something like safety.

WELL.... tonight I went to a Bible study with a bunch of square pegs people. And, it was OK. I realized I will have to be very careful because my inclination is perhaps to judge or to back away. There were lots of red danger flags that were waving wildly in my head. I will definitely use some energy working through whether or not the red flags actually mean "danger" or something more like "not like me" or "what used to be unsafe".

The truth is that God has been very specific with me on a couple of points. I'm TICKLED that the square pegs invited me. I'm certain that one of the pegs didn't have any idea what to do with me. She's the very peg DRESSED in a red flag. BUT... ya know what. I know God will use this to mature me. I'm actually pretty excited. I'm gonna have to put my money where my mouth is on this one. I just didn't think I would face this particular challenge so early in my rebuilding process.

On What God Dreams for Me

I feel very much on the uphill leg of my big, hairy monster slaying journey. I continue to feel a great amount of resolve. That is encouraging. I wake up daily and remind myself to relax, to stop striving. I'm redefining how I live my faith. So far, so good.

Here's an excerpt from the book I'm reading "TrueFaced - trust God and others with who you really are"

     "God's dreams for you are ultimately not really about you. Oh, don't misunderstand. They'll bring you 

some of the best days of your life; you will be fulfilled beyond any imaginable expectations. But God's dreams take form only when they are about others, for the benefit of others. Loving them. Guiding them. Serving them. Influencing them. Filling their heads with dreams and hope. There are no other types of God dreams. Nothing less or else will compel, attract or seem worthy of this God heart within you..... Think about it - God's dreams for us reflect His heart."

That concept is something I've NEVER heard. It makes, however, perfect sense to me. It has certainly given me a foothold for my uphill climb. It takes a lot of pressure off too. For so long I've felt like a loser for not having this super, well-defined calling like my friends. I'm realizing that what God has for me may be shockingly simple. I love that notion.

This week I've felt like I've been spying on myself. Strange how easy it is to do life without paying much attention. I've been paying extra special close attention to myself for clues that may lead me to who I really am, who God made me. I've made a conscious effort to switch off all striving and automated life choices and just listen for God's cueing. I can name off the top of my head 4 or 5 instances in the past couple of days where I've heard His cueing. It has felt amazing. And.. oddly enough, it's stuff I wouldn't have done or taken seriously previously. I think that's a good sign.

On Validation From Strange Places

Last week my youngest asked me why I wanted to be a foster parent. It struck me as an odd question. It seemed odd because I was her foster parent before I was her adoptive Mom. So, she was essentially asking what lead to her being mine. She's a thinker like me. Even with knowing that about her, the question caught me off-guard.

Whenever I've considered my goals for life through the years, there's one "goal" I've counted but never admitted. It has to do with my legacy. I've never actually crafted the text of it. The reason for that is mostly fear. You could say it's both my biggest fear and biggest secret. It's this: I'm afraid of turning out like my biological parents. I'll go on to say it's probably the saddest thing about my life. Aren't our parents supposed to be our role models and heroes? 

There are things my parents did right. They emphasized the importance of getting a quality education. They taught me responsibility. We ate meals together and went on great vacations together. Everything wasn't bad. Unfortunately, though, it's the things they did wrong that have impacted my life the most. I really hate that. Without completely airing our familial dirty laundry, I'll just say they epicly failed at healthy relationships. I was jettisoned from the fold feeling worthless and unloved. That is what I'm afraid of re-creating. It's a pattern I've planned all along to miss.  I just wish there were solid guarantees. When I open my mouth and my Mother comes out I cringe. When I choose my easy chair with a book over a bike ride with a kid I cringe. It was a whole lot easier to feel positive about that goal when I had no children.

Several times lately my little one has said that she plans to adopt from foster care when she gets older. I've not known what to do with that. It's her experience. Of course, she would want to repeat it. The more she brings it up, though, I realize it's more than that. When we were talking last week I realized she wants to be like me.... and I smiled. 

The girls and I were in 7-11 on thursday and the lady at the register was marveling about how much the 3 of us look alike. The oldest just rolled her eyes and questioned why. We really do hear that all the time. The lady went on and on about how the apples didn't fall far from the tree, etc. I told her they are adopted and she about dropped her teeth. It was pretty funny. As we were leaving I asked them if they minded that I tell people sometimes that they are adopted. They said no. I told them I do that because I think our family is pretty cool. I wish I had a picture of the little one's face. It looked a lot like validation.

On Richness

I am prone to much frustration over how busy life is. Oh how I hate the need to calendar every second of our lives. I am a slave to the calendar. I try my best to see it as a good thing, but really struggle on that point. Where I struggle the most is carving out time for family.

I am a huge proponent of living someplace other than where you were born. I feel like we live in a big world. Everyone should have the opportunity to experience other places for at least part of life. If you prefer where you were born after you've lived a few places, fine. Go back and be happy. The flip-side, however, of what I believe is a really great idea is the source of my biggest frustration. I have lived in three different states. I have family spread across all three. And.... none of those family live in the town where I currently reside. That is MONDO annoying. It means that time with those I love dearly requires calendering. We can't do impromptu.

Well..... the planets aligned or something and I was able this weekend to spend almost 48 whole hours at the place I call "home". It's the home of my non-biological parents. God loved me enough 19 years ago to graft me into their family. Though not legally adopted, I became one of them. That family placement has afforded me MUCH healing, much love, much laughter, etc. I really felt like I needed to "check in" with my parents concerning this new big, hairy monster-slaying journey of mine. The trip even included one-on-one chat time with my Dad which was awesome. He's a bit of a rock-star for Christ kind of a guy and time with him can be difficult to attain. I'm super proud of who he is and am happy to share, but I really enjoy my time with him.

Every time I'm at my parent's house I feel super safe. I struggle to not become one with the couch in my favorite room. I sleep like the dead with no worries in the world. I don't feel the need when I'm there to pretend to be anyone other than myself. They fell in love with the real me years ago when I was too broken to pretend to be anyone else. Leaving is always hard. I was considering the reasons for that yesterday on the drive home. The biggest reason why it's hard to leave is because of the safety I feel there. I love not having to pretend. Admittedly, there are things they don't know about my life. But, I have assurance that they could handle any and all of the ugly truth that is me.

After hearing about what God is doing in my life these days, my parents hooked me up with a resource called TrueFaced while I was there. I experienced the first chapter this afternoon and I'm still "chewing". I will say, this journey sure is going to be interesting! I have been a mask wearer perhaps forever. I have absolutely been striving to please God and everyone else, for that matter.

Here's the thing I've been thinking this afternoon: I've been able to trust fallible people and receive love from them with knowledge that they can handle my imperfections, but have refused to trust God whose love and understanding far surpasses what any human can offer.         How cracked is that!? God offers a richness of love, a richness of grace, a richness of understanding because He made me to be me. HE KNOWS already who I am and that's who He wants me to be.   Duh!.... right?

Dip Stick, You Say?

I am a thinker. I like to roll things around in my head, take them apart, and put them back together again. I think a lot of things absolutely to pieces. My friend uses the term "paralysis of analysis". I totally get that. I can think things round and round in circles and get myself completely lost up in my head. When the stakes are high that process can lead to complete mental exhaustion. It's kind of like a car that's low on oil or the oil is too old. That problem can completely seize up the motor. Yep.

So I'm on this journey to slay the big, hairy monster.... and I feel like I've been at this place before. It's the place where God tells me something that requires action on my part. I get all excited. My brain wheels get to spinnin'. I share it with others. Then BLAMMO!!... my motor seizes up... and I walk away unchanged.

I was thinking about that today. I was actually praying about that. I DO NOT want to seize up on this one. This can be no mountain-top experience. I have serious work to do. I am just afraid of messing it up. I have taken measures to assure this doesn't happen.

Here's part of my plan:

1) Take it slow. I am one to one to get to the root of something and I push, push, push and get tired out quick. Honestly, I feel like I miss a whole lot when I rush it like that.

2) Do something wild and crazy like let my heart have a say. My whole life has been lived in my head. It's time I let my heart have a part in things. Maybe then the result will be more meaningful instead of a finely analyzed and laid out spreadsheet from my head space.

And...

3) Check my spiritual "dip stick" daily. Make sure my processing of all of this runs smoothly by freshly lubricating my brain wheels with scripture daily. (Odd analogy, right?)

The plan sounds like a winner.

On Big, Hairy Monster Guts

Upon further consideration, I realized that the monster has done more than stalk my unconscious. He had stealthily overtaken how I see most everything. He had become the lens through which I see the world as it pertains to me. I sat there the other day shaken to the core with tears in my eyes. I realized I needed to hatch a plan to slay the monster.

Armed, for the first time, with the name of the monster, I feel like I have a starting place on the journey to slaying Him.

With a quickness... I realized where the affects of the monster are felt most in my life. "What I believe about myself" is a battleground I believe he conquered a long, long time ago. For years I have walked through life with "me defined". I believed I knew myself well. I think that's why all of this has been such a shock to my system. For years I've explained away things that didn't make sense or felt wrong as "just who God made me". The very sad and unfortunate part is I was wrong. Those things that I never could explain were who the monster made me....not God.

I've been studying this week about who God says I am. Here's the song that has been stuck in my head ( it has big, hairy monster guts all over it!):

Hello, My Name Is

I find it supremely scary that I could be so off-base in my understanding of myself. I'm so excited about exploring the other side of the equation. It has seemed forever like the things I find myself passionate about aren't in keeping with who I am or my personality. Now that I'm realizing I was hijacked all that time, I feel like I can explore with fresh eyes those things that I had considered crazy thoughts before.

On Being Rewarded

My children often comment while we're in route from A to B that they would be road raging on this person or that person for this, that, or the other thing. Those comments always elicit the same sermon from me about growing patience and character, etc. (See another favorite verse)

Romans 5:3-4

New International Version (NIV)

3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Sufferings in this instance = slow and otherwise annoying drivers. Perhaps I've taken this out of context, but I don't think so.

I've often wondered why, at times, I can be quite patient and at other times I act like a crazy woman over having to wait 2 seconds for someone to move so I can get to the spot I want at the counter-top.

Last week I found myself feeling stood up by a friend. (again with the friend stories... I'm. Not. Sorry) Anyway, for some reason I felt rooted to the spot. I was out in the community and didn't feel like I should leave. It was a pretty crazy feeling. I waited for a solid hour. I felt like an idiot. Who waits an hour? Usually, not me.

Here's what I learned..... be sensitive to the Spirit. I chose to listen to the nudging to stay put. Ya know what happened? My friend showed up. We had a wonderful conversation. God blessed my socks off. I got rewarded right then and there.

How many times have I refused to listen and missed out on blessing? I fear there have been too many. My poor friend felt terrible. Messing up her schedule is completely 100% out of character. My take on it is what happened was all God. He needed to make a point. I didn't miss it.

On Eventual Lightness

Yesterday I spoke of the big, hairy creature that stalks my unconscious; my biggest life pain. I want to attempt to talk about that without absolutely bearing my inner soul to the blogiverse.

Throughout my Christian walk I've struggled with the idea that I'm one of those Christians who grew up in church. I hear other believers talk about the freedom they got from this thing and that thing. I've always kind of scratched my head on that point for me. I always wondered what it was I was supposed to be free from. I have no addictions or vices outside what is commonplace (like playing Candy Crush or eating junk food). I'm a law abiding citizen.

Everyone has a story. Because I've lived my life, I don't see the things I've walked through as necessarily tough. I've heard many, many stories that are chock-full of way more trauma than I can claim. I praise God that I can say that. I am so grateful daily that He has spared me so much pain in life. I was reminded, however, the other day when I was sharing some highlights of my life with my new friend that I have an authentic claim to some serious dysfunction.

For so long I've taken the high road when it comes to dealing with my upbringing. I chose not to fall victim to some unhealthy family patterns. I absolutely feel that Christ has protected me from those unhealthy things. Again, I praise God daily for that. When I turned over that boulder the other day, though and saw the big, hairy creature I realized something. I realized that my biggest life hurt I've purposefully continued to stuff deep, deep down and I am in bondage to it. I uncovered a serious lack of freedom on my part. It was a crazy realization. I realized that all of my striving for perfection was my coping mechanism to keep the creature stuffed down. Perfection will keep him caged.

Here's the problem..... in order to stand under grace I need to stop striving. I need to release some of my controlling iron grip on how life goes. I think maybe that's why I was able to identify the creature the other day. I've known about him for a very long time but I've never been able to see him clearly for what he is or call his name. Even thinking about what it will take to slay him drops me to my knees and makes me want to cry. (Like actual tears come to my eyes)

The good news is..... Prov. 18:10 - The name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run into it and they are safe. From this too I am safe. The bugger of it all is that I will have to do the work. Yuk! The other good news is that when God walks me through this and the last of the burden is lifted I may well float from place to place because of how light I feel without that burden.

My Roots Are Showing

You may tire of hearing how conversations I've had with people were enlightening to me. To that I say: Deal with it.

I met a new friend last week. I was sharing with her about how I believe we are built for relationships. I believe that's where "Kingdom work" is accomplished. Our world feeds us a steady diet of busy, etc. It's super easy to not bother making connections with people. My belief is that we rob ourselves and rob others of God's healing by closing ourselves off from others.

My friend and I were sharing our lives with one another and quickly discovered a common need we have for feeling safe.

The last several months I've had a new favorite Bible verse:

Proverbs 18:10

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower;
The righteous runs into it and is safe.

If you know me, you know I'm not an overly emotional person (or really emotional at all). I can't tell you the number of times in the past few weeks I have teared up when remembering that verse.

At the Beth Moore conference she shared about standing on grace. She described that further as standing in Christ/on the name of the Lord.  When she said that, Prov. 18:10 came to mind immediately. I'm stubborn (go ahead, chuckle if you know me). I am forever grateful that God doesn't wash His hands of me. Anyway, He started talking to me then about the roots of my safety issue.

In the continuing effort of trying to process what I heard that weekend, the issue of safety has come up. As I said before, I'm good at legalism. I know what that looks like. I find comfort in "following the law". I've been standing on "Good Girl". I'm proud of that. Striving for perfection has provided me with what felt to me like safety. As I'm getting used to my new lens of grace, and I'm seeing things more clearly, I'm realizing that all of that is a sham. Pastor Guy was talking this week about life's purpose. I realized I've been really off base at times in this. He used a similar verse but I'm feeling this one:

Ecclesiastes 2:11

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

11 When I considered all that I had accomplished and what I had labored to achieve, I found everything to be futile and a pursuit of the wind. There was nothing to be gained under the sun.

All of my striving for perfection is "pursuit of the wind". How sad it is for me to have to admit my folly. I think though, in admitting it I can stand in that truth and move forward in the right.

I was up in my head the other day turning over rocks as I was considering more carefully my need for safety and had a big realization . I turned over a boulder and was shocked to discover my biggest life pain hiding there. It is a big hairy creature that stalks my unconscious. Very few times have I admitted it's existence to myself. I have never shared it with another human. Though scary, for the first time I recognized it's tie to my need for safety.

I am ever aware of God's hand on my life and His constant drawing of my heart to Him. I will continue to follow, see where it leads me, and report back.

On My New Lens

I've decided that without a doubt this concept of standing under grace has caused the single biggest shift of how I live out my faith EVER... like in my entire walk with Christ! I never grasped how fully enslaved to the law I was living.

I got my first pair of glasses when I was 2. Trauma to my head during the process of being born caused damage to my vision. Anyway... every couple of years I had to go back to the eye doctor to make sure I was wearing the correct strength of lenses for my growing eyeballs. I always dreaded that appointment. I really don't know how many times my prescription changed. I didn't keep a tally. What I can tell you is that I hated getting new lenses. I remember clearly leaving the Optical Shop with new glasses. They always felt awkward on my face and more often than not were really blurry until I got used to them.

I feel as if I'm looking at life now through a new lens of grace. I gotta say... it's different. It is a little blurry. I'm not used to it yet. I feel somewhat self-conscious. I feel, though, like it will ultimately provide me the clarity that I have been seeking for a while now.

On Brain Wringage

So... it's fall again. And, as usual, my creativity has peaked. I say every year that I don't know what it is about fall that loosens all of my pent up thoughts. Well, people, they've been loosed.

I've heard several times from songwriters being interviewed that an idea or a melody will come to them and they find themselves scribbling thoughts on napkins, etc. I had one of those really awkward moments this morning in church where my brain began wringing itself out and I quickly had to catch all the thoughts on paper. My hubby guy kept looking over like perhaps I was writing something for him because we are prone to pass notes in church (we're bad, I know). At any rate, I managed to fill up an entire sheet with brain drippings.

I said in a my last post that I feel like a caged animal that has been released. I spoke there about those animals needing a jolt to remind them of what they are and that they are free to be what they are created to be. In the past couple of weeks I do feel like God has "kicked my cage". I can think of four specific conversations with friends where God spoke into my heart.

A song came to mind by Jason Gray called Remind Me Who I Am.  There's a line that says "In the loneliest places, when I can't remember what grace is, Tell me once again who I am to You".    I feel like HE has. And, I remember that I really like who I am. I find it very sad that I allow myself to get caught in "stinkin' thinkin" and start to believe that I'm somehow less than and that God can't use me. I know better.

As I sit here and I look at the paper from church this morning with the greasy brain drippings, I realize the thoughts, though related, aren't necessarily sequential or cohesive. So, I will use them to craft a few different posts. Yay! Blog inspiration.

Are You Kidding Me???

I wrote 2 different blogs just now and erased both of them.

I have SO MUCH on my heart and mind. It's all good stuff.

Last weekend I was introduced to a concept by Beth Moore (God's instrument if there ever was one). The other 2 blogs were my attempts to summarize what I heard. It can't be done.

One of my favorite parts of life as a Christian is being able to spot God's golden thread that I believe links us to one another and to Him. I went to lunch today with a friend of mine. We chatted about all kinds of stuff. I left there so "high on Christ" that I couldn't stop smiling and praising Him.

I went walking with another of my friends this week. I was sharing with her about how I used to feel really solid about my "giftedness" and how I fit in "The Kingdom". Then at some point I began to question all of that. I felt suddenly ineffective and of no value.

Beth talked about God's grace last weekend. She came at it from an odd perspective. She spoke mostly about making a choice between standing under the law or standing under grace. It absolutely shook my foundations. I will shamefully admit that I'm much more comfortable standing under the law because I'm good at legalism. I know what that life is supposed to look like. I'm not sure I know how to just be loved by God without offering my filthy-rags righteousness to Him.

The analogy that came to mind last weekend was that of an injured animal. The animal is captured and taken care of with the intent to set it free. Oftentimes when the caregivers try to release those animals they seem to not want to leave. They have to be jolted to be reminded of what they are. They have to be reminded that they are free to go be what they were created to be.  I feel like I've been in captivity to "lawful living". Though I get that I need to stand under God's grace... I can't fully grasp what that means. Right now I feel like the animal that has been released but is just unsure what to do.

She talked also about "obedient faith". She DID NOT say go live like the world.  I spotted the golden thread Sunday morning when the Pastor Guy at church stood up there and took up right where Beth left off. Collectively, the chins of my girlfriends and I that went hit the floor. Our Pastor Guy had no idea what she talked about. Anyway.. he talked about freedom from the law and what that looks like. He also addressed "obedient faith".  

WUT?! FOR REALZ!!!

What really makes it all crazy to me is that, while we were waiting in line to get into the arena on Saturday, Romans 6:1 just came up in conversation. We were not believing that Beth started right there. And then for Pastor Guy to drive it home... Let me tell ya.... He has my attention.

All week random thoughts from the past year about "how I fit" came flooding back. Conversations that I've had all week have brought all the puzzle pieces to the table. And oh how I love a puzzle!

I feel like I've been reminded of "how I fit". Now I'm working on what to do with that. Oh how I want to run back under the law. This has been my thought all week:   If I choose to remain in captivity, to not claim the freedom that came with my salvation, to stand under the law...... I CANNOT fulfill God's calling on me. God's calling requires HIS supernatural provision that I can only find when I'm standing under grace.   **Mind Blown**

Buggin'

Since I'm on the topic of bugs....and porch sittin'. Hubby Guy and I have been enjoying a new-found sport.

Stink bugs are drawn to one particular screen on the porch. They all seem to end up there. They walk back and forth over and over again.

Hubby Guy had the idea that we should paint little numbers on them with a Sharpie or a paint marker and he could call the races like a baseball announcer. Doesn't that sound entertaining?

On Bug Nostalgia

When Hubby Guy and I were dating we used to sit around for literally hours and talk about stuff.  By the time we got married I felt like I had surely heard all of the best stories. Well, lately we've been spending a good bit of time chillin' on the porch. As is our custom, we sit around and talk about stuff. Well the other day I heard a new story!!

The above little trike ridin' hot shot is my Hubby Guy when he was little. By all accounts he was your classic, all-american, cowboys and indians, baseball playin', up-to-no-good boy. For the record, he hasn't strayed too far from that. :)  Anyway...

We were talking about this summer's forecasted cicada swarm. I was unaware that cicadas swarm every 17 years. Hubby Guy apparently knows full well. I found out that Hubby Guy's father hates cicadas. It remains unclear why exactly he hates them. So... one summer when Hubby Guy was 9 or 10 his father agreed to pay him a penny or nickel per carcass for him to hunt them down and end their little lives with his BB gun. All day while his dad was at work he would do his thing and line up their little carcasses on the sidewalk. When his dad got home he would pay up. 

Before you get all weird about him hunting bugs......

they are pretty big and gross..... and he was a kid.......who really needed money for bubble gum and soda.  

For whatever reason, picturing what that must've looked like cracks me up. 

To this day I still love the sound of cicadas. My grandmother had a grove of trees behind her house. In the summer it always sounded like there were thousands out there. In the evening we would would sit outside and listen to them sing. In the daytime, we would go around and pick abandoned shells off of the trees and then count them. Those were good times.

Hopefully this year's swarm will stay away from Hubby Guy's dad and some will come here to Harrisonburg and sing to me.

On Just the Right Memory at Just the Right Time

There is a particular piece of my life that makes me shake my head when I think about it. When I speak of it I often say that it was when life "crumbled around my ears". I don't know how else to describe it. It was the period of time that it took for my family to completely unravel.

In the midst of it, all I knew was that things were very, very wrong. Very little felt right to me. I felt lost and alone. At the time I did already know God and I think was able to identify His hand on my life. Hindsight is 20/20, though, and now I can really see how well He took care of me during those years.

It's odd to me because I can remember lots of odd facts that don't matter about life, but from the fall of my junior year of high school until my junior year of college my memory is extremely fuzzy. I remember lots of stuff that happened but I can't tell when it occurred during that period of time or in what order it occurred.

At some point during that time... Spring Break of senior year, if I remember correctly, a sweet, sweet couple saw me for the scared kid I was and got involved with my life. I don't know if they even remember what they saw. Whatever it was, they invested. They provided a safe place for me. I can still remember how safe I felt when I was with them. They were a part of my life for a few years. At some point we lost contact. I've wondered about them often throughout the years.

Last week I was relaxing at home and out of nowhere, again, that sweet couple came to mind. I made a note to myself to check Facebook. Within minutes of launching my search the next day, I found them. Yay for reunions with long lost awesome people!

Finding them unleashed a flood of thoughts. One of the first things that came to mind was that, though our arrangement was unofficial, what they provided for me was a lot like foster care. I was in my late teens. My parents weren't really around. I was floating and they provided some emotional stability. I never questioned their care for me. I thought of them as parental figures. I've known that I've wanted to be a foster parent since I was a teen. I absolutely credit them with modeling that notion for me.

I feel like I've been fighting God for a couple years over fostering again. Our fostering experiences have been REALLY HARD. For a while I felt cured of the drive to foster. Our journey with our girls continues to be difficult at times. I can readily think of a handful of legitimate reasons why it isn't time to foster again. But, recently I've gotten confirmation after confirmation that I need to stop making excuses. Finding that amazing couple and remembering what they were to me during that difficult time in my life has been yet another "sign".

I always say I want a giant neon sign from God. This time I think I've gotten it.