As a child, I learned quickly what was expected of me. Our household was one of rigid standards and very little levity. My intelligence served me well. I got straight A's without much effort. I did as I was told. I adhered to the standard like a good little soldier. I learned to be alone. I learned to take care of myself. I learned to cook. I learned to clean. I learned that life is lonely. You could say that I BECAME the standard. I was who I was told to be.
When I asked Jesus into my heart, I wasn't sure what to do from there. Like other milestones in my life, I was alone. My family quit going to church right about that time. For many, many years of my Christian life I felt completely unchanged. I started going to church on my own in 9th grade. I was invited by some friends at school. I had always been a "good girl" so I wasn't doing anything different. I didn't experience the radical change that some do when they come to Christ. In 9th grade, though, I started to hear more from scripture about how life is supposed to be. But, because messages to youth are usually more of the "don't do these things" types of messages, that's what I began to cling to. I was good at being a good soldier. I was familiar with rigid standards. I took a very legalistic stance on Christianity. It felt better to me to be working to please God where I felt accepted than working for my parents who I was never good enough for. To me that felt like change.
Before now when I would tell my "testimony", that was about it. It would end with "and since then I've been learning and growing, blah, blah, blah, more Christianese, etc." The truth is, I have studied. I have grown. I have learned a lot from scripture. The problem with all of that is I've applied it very narrowly and seen it from a very skewed place. I've taken everything up to the tallest turret of my castle and categorized and sorted and made generalizations of the information. I made it all neatly fit into "my world" instead of the inverse.... the way it should have been. I made it fit the mold of who I was told to be. I made it fit the mold I was shoved into by circumstances beyond my control. I warped it and bent it. I used it however it would benefit me best. I used it to prove that I was ok. I used it to validate my way of life. I caged it up like an animal. I locked it up with me because I was locked up too.
And now... I've been freed. I understand that I'm not bound to the law. I'm also not bound to "the standard" set so long ago. Without those things I'm somewhat lost. The sum of our experiences equals what it equals. I've done life a certain way for so long I'm not sure how exactly to change. So I'm working on trusting and being still. I'm trusting that once the dust settles from the castle collapse I will start to recognize what is the truth about me. My sincere hope is that I will learn to operate authentically. My desire is to walk away from anything about me that is not what He created me to be.
I was listening to iTunes radio this afternoon and found a new song that I LOVE!!! It's another exact match for where I feel like I am this minute. Here's the video:
I Can Just Be Me
I'll close with this.... in the book TrueFaced they use THE BEST imagery. Throughout the book they are talking about gifts of grace that God gives us. On each one there's a tag that says this: "Take it. Apply It and Trust me to make it real. I Love You! Jesus" I am trusting Him to make it real. I'm trusting Him to grow back the pathway from my brain to my heart so that I can internalize all this good stuff and not keep it "running the track" in my brain. I can hardly wait!
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