On Upside-Down Inauthenticity

It's sunday again.... and, as usual, that means a quiet house and time for me to sit on the porch and read, etc. To top it off, it's GORGEOUS today!

My inspiration this fall has all come from the personal journey on which I find myself these days. I'm enjoying myself thoroughly. I have likened the last month to taking a class in college. It has required homework, assignments that require the help of others, and lots of study time. The most wonderful part is that no grade will be assigned.

Here's the thought that struck me this morning:  Don't just trade inauthenticity for inauthenticity.

As the depth of how off track I have been comes to light, I am appalled. I am increasingly aware of what work lays ahead of me. I'm finding that my tendency is just to want to "flip over" what I was doing before... because what I was doing was exactly wrong, flipping it over would be exactly right....right?  What I would get would just be upside-down inauthenticity. It wouldn't fix my predicament. It would just change my orientation to it.

Self-sufficiency has been a way of life for as long as I can remember. I have specific memories of needing help, even calling out, but no one came. I learned that people don't care about me. I became good at addressing my own needs, taking care of myself, needing no one. As I said before, I constructed a fortified castle. From the castle, I appeared strong. From the castle, I proclaimed to be together. People said things like "You've been so brave" and "You've overcome so much". I received those words, but I was a pretender. Behind those fortified castle walls I was hoarding pain, a very detailed list of wrongs, and accusations too numerous to count.

The picture that keeps coming to mind today is that of when you get hurt and recoil. People wanting to help want "to see". Everything in you is in protective mode, though, and you just can't bring yourself to let people "see", even though you know you need the help.  As I sit here in the pile of rubble that was formerly my castle, I feel recoiled. I feel very protective. I very much want help but am struggling with letting anyone "see". The biggest reason for my hesitancy is I'm afraid to look myself. I know the wounds I've sustained are serious and numerous. I'm so, so afraid too of getting hurt more.

BUT....I am so sick-to-death of hiding. I'm completely over it. The opposite of hiding would be full disclosure, right? My inclination is to just be "wide open", to put it all out there. Purging feels mighty good. But like I said before, changing from hiding to "wide open" won't change my predicament. It will just change my orientation to it.

So, I'm searching for authenticity. I long to be honest and vulnerable. I long to be and to operate out of who God says I am. I'm just not accustomed to trusting and being still. I feel a powerful urge still to strive somehow... strive differently than I had been, but still strive.