On Eventual Lightness

Yesterday I spoke of the big, hairy creature that stalks my unconscious; my biggest life pain. I want to attempt to talk about that without absolutely bearing my inner soul to the blogiverse.

Throughout my Christian walk I've struggled with the idea that I'm one of those Christians who grew up in church. I hear other believers talk about the freedom they got from this thing and that thing. I've always kind of scratched my head on that point for me. I always wondered what it was I was supposed to be free from. I have no addictions or vices outside what is commonplace (like playing Candy Crush or eating junk food). I'm a law abiding citizen.

Everyone has a story. Because I've lived my life, I don't see the things I've walked through as necessarily tough. I've heard many, many stories that are chock-full of way more trauma than I can claim. I praise God that I can say that. I am so grateful daily that He has spared me so much pain in life. I was reminded, however, the other day when I was sharing some highlights of my life with my new friend that I have an authentic claim to some serious dysfunction.

For so long I've taken the high road when it comes to dealing with my upbringing. I chose not to fall victim to some unhealthy family patterns. I absolutely feel that Christ has protected me from those unhealthy things. Again, I praise God daily for that. When I turned over that boulder the other day, though and saw the big, hairy creature I realized something. I realized that my biggest life hurt I've purposefully continued to stuff deep, deep down and I am in bondage to it. I uncovered a serious lack of freedom on my part. It was a crazy realization. I realized that all of my striving for perfection was my coping mechanism to keep the creature stuffed down. Perfection will keep him caged.

Here's the problem..... in order to stand under grace I need to stop striving. I need to release some of my controlling iron grip on how life goes. I think maybe that's why I was able to identify the creature the other day. I've known about him for a very long time but I've never been able to see him clearly for what he is or call his name. Even thinking about what it will take to slay him drops me to my knees and makes me want to cry. (Like actual tears come to my eyes)

The good news is..... Prov. 18:10 - The name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run into it and they are safe. From this too I am safe. The bugger of it all is that I will have to do the work. Yuk! The other good news is that when God walks me through this and the last of the burden is lifted I may well float from place to place because of how light I feel without that burden.