Instantly Unravelled

Last night the four of us went to a Foster care training session. The topic was one of interest. We like to go every now and again too because the girls get to play with other children who are in foster care.

We got there and found our seats. The room is shaped like an L with the entrance being the short part of the L. The tables then are arranged like a half square in the long part of the L. I chose to sit on the flat part of the square at the back wall.

Soon after I sat down my little one was standing on the inside of the square talking to me. All of the sudden I looked up and our first foster child was standing there in the middle of the square doe-eyed staring at me. I knew her instantly but she's grown so I felt like I needed verification. She wandered back toward the door because they called for the kids to go with the babysitter. I just kinda sat there in shock. I felt like I should say something but was unsure of what to say. We talk about her all the time to our current children. There are pictures of her in our house. The girls have always said they wanted to meet her. I got up and went over to where my two and she were standing. I said hello and asked if she remembered me. She said yes. I introduced her to my girls. It was weird. She still had a very real look of confusion on her face. The three of them then departed to go upstairs and play. It just so happened that those were the only three children there last night so the three of them played together for two hours. When they left the room I started crying. It ripped my insides out to see her again. I knew she had been placed back in foster care but it never occurred to me since they didn't place her with us a second time that I would ever see her again. There she was though and it ripped my heart out. Seeing her again made me realize how very much I love her and miss her. After the meeting when we went upstairs to get the kids, she had colored me a picture and wrote her name for me. All the way home the girls talked about how sweet she is and how beautiful she is, etc. It was awful. If you've never done foster care you won't understand this statement, but it feels just like seeing your dead kid alive again. I turned right around when we got home and hopped in my car and took off for my sweet friend's house. She cried with me and I felt lots better.

I sent the foster care coordinator an email last night. I felt bad for the kid. She's not old enough to understand why she left our house. She went to live with relatives but she expressed over and over that she wanted to stay with me. Seeing me again with new children had to be confusing and upsetting for her. I asked if the foster care coordinator would check on her to make sure she was ok after seeing us again. That little girl is super smart and I know she probably felt abandoned. I've wanted to see her again but not like that. UG!!!