Warning/Instruction/Disclaimer: I'm about to share my deepest, darkest secret. I do not expect anything from you the reader. I'm just tired of hiding and pretending. I want the facts out there so it can seem like less of a scary thing for me.
I'm just gonna say it. I have issues.
I've always had trouble eating in front of people. It stems from trauma I experienced as a child. As an adult I am aware of my troubles and mostly manage to get by without people noticing my discomfort. I have a well oiled system of excuses I hide behind that work like a charm.
When I was younger the problem was actually easier to deal with. I was skinny, so in my head it made sense to me that not eating would be expected and I felt it was easier to get away with no one seeing me eat. In the last 10 years I've become massive. Unfortunately I believe the reason for that is that I've got such an unhealthy relationship to food and where,when, and what I eat. I've managed to get myself into a cycle of - lose lots of weight, gain it all back, repeat. That is so unhealthy! UG!
There seems to be a magical line on the scale. When I get there I start to really struggle emotionally with "looking like a doughnut". I am there now. I look at me in the mirror and am so disgusted. I would love to go on The Biggest Loser. I'm struggling, people.
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