Something I know about myself is that in order to be really effective in whatever I choose to do that I need to feel connected to the people with whom I serve. I need to feel a part of a family. I need to feel like a necessary part of the team. When that is threatened it shakes my core. It's a foothold for satan and I know it.
I'm involved with a ministry at church. It's something that I actually feel led to be a part of. BUT... I'm not connected at all. I have almost walked away more than once for the above stated reason. For some reason I can't. In the meantime, big things happen and I'm left out. An important thing happened this weekend. It's something that as a worker in the ministry I should have been a part of. I was excluded. I walked away from sunday school this morning feeling really disenfranchised. I'm hurt. I'm frustrated and the carnal side of me wants very much to walk away.
BUT... In the service this morning Pastor Guy was talking about the value of integrity. It's something that's very important to me. As I sat there nursing my wounds, I really appreciated what he was talking about. He defined integrity as remaining true to your convictions regardless of what it costs you. The truth of my situation is this: I do feel called to the particular ministry. I don't do it for people. I do it for God. He referenced Colossians 3:23:
23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (NIV)
That's how I feel about this. It's a matter of my heart. I have committed to the ministry. The important thing is that I follow my convictions without regard for the foibles of others. I don't know why sometimes it's so very hard to extend grace. It find it so much easier to just remove myself from a situation than to behave like a mature Christian. Why must my sinful side be so darn...sinful?
It was cool though, before Pastor Guy even started his sermon I feel like God gave me a little bit of encouragement. Another worker had approached me about doing something this summer for the ministry that is right up my alley. We haven't had an opportunity to talk more about it and I had begun to wonder if she meant it or if it would happen. She approached me again and we're gonna get together this week to talk more about it and do some planning. It was a well timed conversation and I do believe it was a "Holy Hug" meant to say "It's gonna be ok".
I don't know you. I stumbled upon your blog after reading a funny comment you had left on the meanest mom blog. I liked this post and wanted to thank you for sharing. I too believe in personal revelation, and appreciate when have enough conviction to share their experiences.
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