The Joy of Parenting

My oldest has a friend that I positively CAN'T STAND!!!!! I don't like her...not one little bit.

I've hung out with her mother enough that I feel safe for my kid to play over there(she lives on our street). She says my kid is respectful and no trouble when she's over there.

Her kid, though... another story.

When she is here at my house my kid's attitude heads south. She gets all nasty and disrespectful. She treats her sister horribly. She gets all full of herself. She disregards house rules. When the two of them are together there is unrest in the house and ultimately there's trouble.

At school this particular kid stirs up drama. She is forever starting stuff between people. She isn't happy unless she has pitted people against each other. In my house it's my two girls.

I'm sick to death of it.

Here's my quandry......

I want desperately to not allow my kid to play with her. I want to just forbid it and be done with it. I've had several conversations with my kid. She knows I don't like her friend and she knows why. We've had lots of conversations about the trouble I have with this kid. We've had good conversations about how to be a good friend. We've had conversations about who is real friend and who isn't.

Because of the traumatic childhood my kid had before she came to be mine, she has some really unhealthy aspects about her. One of those things is that she will pledge her friendship to ANYONE who shows her attention. As she gets older, if this isn't dealt with now, this will become a very bad problem. This friend will eventually hurt her bad enough that all I've said will make sense. If I just end the friendship my kid will resent me and ultimately miss out on a lot of painful moments that will ultimately teach her valuable lessons. I think I would rather her learn this way. As she ages the stakes get higher.

I was sitting in my room stewing this afternoon. I was mad at how my afternoon had gone because that horrible brat was in my house. They ultimately drove the little one screaming over the edge and she got put down for a nap. It wasn't fair. The little one made her share of poor decisions. She was driven to it though and even though I made her take a nap I was on her side. After the little one was peacefully sleeping, I was listening/eavesdropping to the two big ones playing baby dolls and laughing hysterically while eating raisins. I really spent some time considering how I was at that age. I remember time I spent with my best friend. We were crazy. We were forever laughing at something and generally acting like goons. It occurred to me that apart from the disrespect, house rules, and sibling treatment issues they sounded exactly like Linda and me.

I don't want to rob my kid of being a kid, but I can't stand her friend. I want my kid to learn to navigate the minefield that is friend picking. I fear that if I micromanage and shut down this friendship that I will pay a price later. If I can tough it out with her through this friendship perhaps she'll let me continue to be part of the process.

Another thing too... my kid has suffered a lot of sudden loss just by virtue of coming into foster care. She woke up one morning at home, life as usual. She was picked up at school that afternoon by the state and she never went home again. She's old enough to kinda understand why. She's not old enough, however, to really understand it. She and I talk a lot about that. One of the biggest problems she has with life in general is that too many decisions have been made for her. As adults we have the big picture. Do you remember being 10? I do. I really felt grown. She does too. She harbors a heck of a lot of resentment and I totally understand that. The last thing I want to do is make a power play and get rid of a friend. I really don't think that's the way to go.

I'm certain that after the way today went my oldest and I will be having yet another conversation about this friend.

MORE house rules will be set for when that kid is here. (Seems like we set a couple new ones every time she's over)

I'm irritated. I think life now for my kids should be all sunshine all the time. That's what they deserve! Life for them was dark, dark, dark before. They endured enough dysfunction to last several lifetimes. It pains me that they still have to endure life's hardships. They do though...
and my job as parent is to wisely guide them through it.