I'm Not Obsessed..... But I Really Want To Be

The only trouble with closing two whole months after having an accepted offer is now I've mentally moved. I've been deciding where different pictures, etc that are on the wall now will go in the new place. I've been planning what furniture I'll need to purchase and where to fill spaces with the current furniture. I've already been thinking abut wall colors, etc. It's enough to drive a person crazy.

We Got It!

They accepted our offer!!! Look at my new house!!!

We will close in late June. Yippee!!!!

One The Specialty Store Doesn't Have

Today I was out looking for something.

I want an item that I can't find.

We have a store where I live. It's called Glen's Fair Price. They are known for having all manner of odd things like fake barf, a Michael Jackson costume, bald caps, fuzzy unicorns with wings, blinking clown noses, and the like. They didn't have it. I've never been in Glen's Fair Price and not found the item I went in after until today.

And.... I can't even describe to you what I'm looking for. I think I'm gonna have to make it. When I make it (or if I ultimately find one) I will totally write a post about it. :)

Oh The Agony

We put a contract on a house tonight. It's the house I've been stalking for a while. Unfortunately, the people wanted until Wednesday to think about our offer because we didn't finish until close to 8:00 and the wife is getting up early in the morning to go out of town all day.

Can you say stress? I'm gonna try to just let it go from the front of my brain. Hubby Guy is in charge of the negotiating to start up Wednesday. He is just supposed to let me know when they agree and we can proceed. I will try not to completely lose it before then.

And Fun Was Had By All!!

We had our adoption party today. It was AWESOME!

I was really touched by the sheer number of people who were there. I was scared that maybe only a couple of people would show and it would not be fun. I'm happy to report that there were people everywhere.

My sweet friend Cathy rented out the local skate center. We had the whole place just for us and all the people that love our family. It was especially special to me that my sweet coworker provided the yummy cake even though she couldn't be there.

I feel really loved.

Just before the oldest went to bed tonight she said, "Was it true when Miss Cathy said that everyone who was at the party was there because they love us?"  I was really happy to be able to tell her honestly, yes.

We even had family who came from Arizona! And.. my sister and brother-in-law surprised us and drove two hours to be there. I haven't seen my sis in a very long time. They came to the house afterward too and that was awesome. We had Hubby Guy's Mom and sister and my sister and bro-in-law at the house. I just ate that up because I love getting together with family and we have zero family in town.

Yay for today!

Hopefully now the adoption will actually be finalized May 3rd. ** Seeing as how we've already partied** 

Truly, Madly, Deeply

They did fall truly, madly, deeply and now we're under contract!!!!  Now they have to get their financing and all that. (They were prequalified so we don't expect any surprises.) We're supposed to close on June 18. Yay!

AND.... now we have 7 days to go put a contract on another house. We wrote it that way because there are actually two solid choices we're interested in. We're gonna go look at them both on tuesday and go ahead and make an offer sometime between tuesday and friday. We're pretty solid on one house but are going to look at a second just for comparison.

The greatest part of all of this is that we will move this summer in plenty of time before school starts. AND... my kids get to go to county schools. The school systems are split where we are. We basically have two separate school systems where anywhere in the world it would only be one. Currently we live in the city. Some city schools are good and some are terrible. My little one goes to a good school and my big one goes to a school that I not-so-affectionately call "The Pit". I hate it. I've threatened the principal more than once that I'm taking her out to home school her.

The county schools around here are better than city. It's still public school and it's far from perfect as well....but the county schools have a better reputation for actually educating the students.

AND.... my master plan of letting the girls start over in a new place with their new names will come to fruition. I was concerned that we wouldn't sell in time for them to be able to start the new school on the first day of school. New schools are hard but they're even harder when you come late to the party. The biggest had to change schools mid year when they first came to live with us. It was a TOUGH transition. Now they'll start a new school with new names and no "foster kid" tag. I'm really excited about that. They just get to be normal kids. I don't feel like they've ever been allowed to just be normal kids. In their birth home there was too much dysfunction. With us they've had the "foster kid" tag. This will be the first time in their lives that they have a normal, healthy forever family and a life to match. That's a big deal.

If I Burrito They Will Come

One unfortunate part of having pets is the hair they leave behind. I regularly "burrito" my furniture. I could vacuum every day but I prefer to burrito instead.

When people come over I un-burrito the furniture. When the house first went on the market I found that every time I burritoed we would get another showing and I would just have to un-burrito. So I developed the saying "If I burrito they will come."

Well we haven't had a showing in a week and a half and I never re burritoed. I cleaned house monday after the mysterious yard lookers appeared. I was hoping I would get a call so I didn't bother to burrito. Just today I was thinking about re burrito-ing because I didn't get a call and guess what???? We have a showing tomorrow evening. They called this afternoon.

Keep your fingers crossed tomorrow evening that someone will fall truly, madly, deeply in love with our house and buy it.

As I looked back on what I just wrote it occurs to me that I never imagined I would say the word burrito and variations of the word so often in one place. Life is funny.

The Newest

Meet Bing.

Hubby Guy discovered him a couple of days ago.

He lives under our back deck.

And I'm in love! He might be the cutest thing I've ever seen.

A Good Kind of Creepy

Yesterday I was laying on the back deck reading a book ** imagine that**. Oldest kid was over at her brother's house. The little one was napping. Hubby Guy had left for his review session at school.

All of the sudden I heard two voices. My first thought was that perhaps Hubby Guy hadn't left like I thought he had and the little one was awake and they were talking. The voices got clearer and all of the sudden I realized they were outside the fence looking into my backyard. It wasn't Hubby Guy and Little One. It was a young couple and she was raving about how big the backyard is and how she liked the stone patio that Hubby Guy built.

Because of where I was I don't think they saw me. I was laying on the floor of the deck and from where they were standing I think the grill blocked their view of me. I just turned my head and I could see her over the top of the grill. I realize that since I could see her then she could see me too if she looked at the right spot. I turned back to my book and froze and eventually they wandered off.

The bothersome part of the experience is that had I not been wearing flannel PJ pants and a snoopy T-shirt I would have hopped up and talked to them. It was a missed opportunity. It's probably best though because inside the house was disgusting. I've since fixed that problem in case the realtor calls and says someone wants to see it. For a while there I kept up very well. I need to get back in clean every other day mode. That works best.

I guess I'll have to start wearing something other than "my uniform" in case people wander into my yard. That was creepy. At least it was a good kind of creepy.

Dreaming in Third Person Subjective

In my post on 3/25/10 Desperation I wrote about my seasonal addiction of reading. I did finally find something to read and I can't stop. I've read 6 novels since then. When I read I completely engage the story such that I lose track of my surroundings. I really enjoy "intellectually" transporting to another place/life. I'm getting ready *when I'm done posting* to start another book. I noticed a flat, sore spot on the back of my head yesterday that *I swear* is from being propped up on a pillow reading.

For the last few nights I've noticed something very odd. I always have very vivid and often crazy dreams. My dreams are very lifelike. I feel like I'm there. I also usually get up sometime in the early morning to go potty.  I wake up just enough not to step on a dog or cat but not so much that I can't go back to sleep. Often if I'm in the middle of a dream I don't really fully leave it. Well... the last couple of mornings as I've been laying there going back to sleep I've been aware of the fact that instead of being part of the dream or experiencing the action firsthand, I was experiencing it the same way I experience a book. I was reading about it. The words describing the dream I was a part of were actually running through my head. It was a really cool sensation because I was "writing" my own dream in words. I wasn't dreaming about anything I've read. The subject matter was my own. It felt exquisite, like I was actually capable of writing really enthralling text. It has only lasted a few seconds at a time but it was really sweet.

I'm Not The Only One!!!!

Well.... this is my 200th blog post. I'm really proud of that fact. **Party!, Party! Party!**  I believe it signifies that blogging is more than a passing whim (like limiting my caffeine intake). I've held on and plan to keep on sharing likely way too much information with whomever will read it.

On to other things.... I'm not the only one....the only dork.... I found another.  I was walking down the long hallway to exit the physics/chemistry building yesterday at James Madison University and there was a lady in front of me. First I noticed she was whistling a snappy little tune. I thought that was awesome. Then I noticed she wasn't walking particularly straight. I wondered for a moment if she was "under the influence". I thought perhaps she'd been in one of the chemistry labs sniffing something good, but then I noticed why she was wobbly. She was walking the fine line between the floor tiles like a balance beam and just wasn't very good at it. I really wanted to run up to her and hug her and welcome her to the club. I settled for just watching her be a dork. She had to know that I was several yards behind her and just did not care. She gets big, big points from me for being so brazen. It really made my afternoon.

Out With The New and In With The Old

For the past two days I haven't started the day with caffeine. I usually start my day with a Diet Pepsi. The last two mornings I've had a big bottle of water instead.

I have this to report: I feel great until about 12:00. At 12:00ish today and yesterday I got a killer headache. It's the kind of headache that throbs if you change positions. I hate it.

I realize that cutting out even diet sodas has measurable health benefit.  My question is this: Is it worth it? Right now my head feels like it has an axe buried in it. I broke down and took Excedrin and am currently downing a giant sweet tea. My headache will be gone soon.

When I was young (and skinny) I had a system. For every soda I had, I had to drink an equal amount of water. That way I generally got twice as much water as I did soda in any given day because I mainly had soda at mealtimes and water in between.  Perhaps I'll go back to that system. That way I can have my cake and eat it too.  I'm not sure what science has to say about my system. I like it though and it makes me feel good about getting plenty of water. Better still, on my system I get to have soda basically guilt free.

Now if only I could come up with a system by which I could get away with not doing laundry guilt free....

Because I'm A Dork... That's Why! (Volume II)

 

I use in-ear headphones. I've had hearing loss since I was a baby. The in-ear kind are just the best for me.

Well... the other day I was grocery shopping. I had a lot floating through my head so I decided to listen to music to help focus.

I always turn off my music before going through the check out line so as not to appear super rude. I noticed the other day that when I took off my headphones I couldn't hear very well. I then started stressing about finally having blasted my eardrums to the point that they wouldn't bounce back.

I finished checking out and started walking to the car. I was really troubled that I couldn't hear hardly at all. I reached up and touched my right ear and realized that when I took off my earphones the little light blue tip of the right one stayed in my ear.

Miraculously after I removed it my hearing was restored.

Yes, people... I'm a dork!

My Island

In my mind there's an island.

All of the people that I really like live on the island. *Figuratively*  The island is a place of acceptance. Its inhabitants are the people who make me laugh, who encourage me, who love me even when I'm being a booger, and people with other like qualities.

I love it when I let new people onto the island. I have a party in my head.

Today I let a new person onto the island. Crazy enough, I've never even met her. She's my favorite, favorite, favorite blogger. If I ever go to south Alabama I'm looking her up. You can find her here.

Emotions

I wonder why it is that any emotion you have only intensifies when you try to stifle it.
Yesterday in church I got tickled. I had a VERY hard time containing my laughter. I thought I was gonna stop breathing and my eyeballs were gonna pop out of me head! What's really pitiful is that what I was laughing at wasn't really funny. It just struck my funny bone just right.


I also cried yesterday in sunday school. It came totally as a surprise. Several things hit me at once when we were sharing about our weeks and before I knew it I was choked up and trying to speak. The more I fought it the harder it was to speak. I managed to get through it without making a total scene. I was embarrassed though.

It's a pretty rare thing for me to in a span of a couple hours go from tears to shoulder shaking laughter. Once I feel something I usually feel it for a while. I'm an emotion camel. I'm bad to hold onto stuff far too long. Then something basically unrelated to what's troubling me happens and I have a meltdown. I usually have to stew for a while. I didn't have a meltdown in sunday school. I just felt a little upset. I suppose that's why it was so easy to transition to laughter. More than one emotion in a couple of hours though is rare. I generally stay pretty even.

It Was So Yummy I Could Have Eaten It...

This is what my afternoon looked like today.

After we got home from church and lunch I put on my "Grumpy Pants" literally, not figuratively, and retired to the back porch with the book I was needing to finish.

After I finished the book I just continued to lay on the porch and take in the gorgeous day.

The only thing that was missing was a polarizing lens for my camera. The sky was so much more gorgeous through my polarized shades. The blue was a little deeper.

Back before we had children, most sunday afternoons this time of year were spent in the hammock. I haven't just chilled out back on a sunday afternoon in years.

For the first little bit today the oldest brought a book and sat out there with me. That was really nice. She got bored and decided she wanted to go to the University with Hubby Guy. The little one was sleeping. So with Hubby Guy and the oldest gone and the little one sleeping I was ALONE. At first I felt kinda guilty like perhaps I should be dealing with the mountain of laundry waiting inside the house. It didn't take long to get over that.  I spent three hours on the porch socking up the day. 

It was so yummy I could have eaten it.  :)

Grumble, Grumble, Gripe...

If I were to wake up one day with infinite energy and wherewithal... I know exactly what I would take on...

Our adoption papers went to court for the first time on Monday. Since we haven't heard anything, I called the lawyer's office yesterday to verify that we would be going to court on the next motions day which would be the 21st to finalize the adoption.

I don't know why I keep being surprised. I must be pretty thick.

Would you believe there's another waiting period we weren't told about???!!! The judge signed the order, apparently now there's another waiting period and then DSS has to sign it again and THEN a court date can be set to finalize it.

I wanted to cry. Our adoption party is planned and in motion. It can't be moved. Now I get to do exactly what I didn't want to do and celebrate an adoption that STILL won't be complete.

The system is very broken. I'm guessing those people have NO IDEA what it's like to live in limbo. I'm certain they have no idea what it does to the kids to know that they're "wards of the state". My children need permanency. The dumbest of all the "doorknobs" we've worked with had the audacity to tell me that the children got permanency when they found out they weren't likely going home. That was almost a year ago. SO much has happened and they still don't have a legal family. They legally belong to no one. It's a problem that causes my children emotional distress.

It isn't enough anymore that we're "in the process" of adopting. That has lost its ring. It needs to be done. We were told 6 weeks. It's already week 9 and I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Snowblower Envy

I'm just a few posts away from 200. I think that's pretty nifty. I may have to plan a celebration of some sort.

I told you I would tell you about "the snowblower".

This is a picture of Hubby Guy/the Driveway Maintenance Department maintaining the driveway after the first storm. At one point he was watching the across the street neighbor plow out using his snazzy little snow blower. Hubby Guy got a bad case of snow blower envy.  I told him just as soon as he could find the driveway that he could go buy himself one. It became kind of a running conversation/joke about his snow blower envy.

Well.... Hubby Guy had made the terrible mistake of asking me for a Christmas list. He said I could write down ANYTHING I wanted. Well... I decided that I wanted an iPod touch. I listed some options and crossed my fingers.

A few days before Christmas Hubby Guy and the little one went out for a bit. When they came home Hubby Guy came lumbering in the house with a HUGE wrapped package. It was a big wrapped barrel. The little one is a kick. She's really good at keeping actual secrets but she thinks all the surrounding things are ok to say. So Hubby Guy walked out of the room and she says "I can't tell you what's in there because it's a secret, but we put lots of heavy stuff in there so you won't know what it is." I felt terrible. He was trying to be sneaky and she totally ruined it. I decided to play along. I started saying that he had bought me a snow blower. I realize that snow blowers don't come in barrels. It just fit with our running joke. Every day I would talk about how I just really didn't know what was in that big barrel but that I was pretty sure it was a snow blower. So... On Christmas when I opened it I gushed about the snow blower and how awesome it was.

The name stuck. Now ya know. :)

Because I'm A Dork... That's Why!

Because I know that you were as positively captivated with my cool artsy Easter eggs as I was...

I know that you will also be wildly interested and as entertained as I was when I saw what the insides looked like -

If you don't think this is cool then you're quite possibly broken! That is the inside of the egg, people (as in sans shell)!

In other news.... I might have embarrassed myself today. I've decided that if a person really wanted to be entertained all they would have to do is plant a hidden camera in my house and observe me when I'm alone.

I've discovered some old 80's tunes that I positively can't not dance to. I've loaded them on my snowblower/iPod. (I think maybe I haven't told you why it's called the snowblower.... I'll do that in another post.) Anyway... today I was cleaning house. I was also jammin' to some rad 80's tunes. *Like, totally groovy, dude*  I was really into it and I came to myself just in time to recognize that I was dancing and singing into a scrub brush in front of my back door. The troubling piece of that is the door is all glass. The neighbors behind us often hang out on their back porch. I turned red and danced away without looking to see if they were out there. I just can't bear to know.

I Think I've Decided...

I think I've made a life decision. BUT... I reserve the right to change my mind.

Since I was a child I've wanted to be a writer. Actually, when I was really little I wanted to be a librarian. That morphed though into wanting to be the writer of the books rather than the cataloger.

I've been kinda tortured by the idea of writing. I know I'm creative. I've just never successfully written anything. When I try I fail. The truth is the only things I write really well are personal letters and the occasional written explanation of how I feel about stuff.

I've been told for years by multiple people that I should write. The three recurring genre recommendations are children's books, thoughts of the day, and a memoir about foster care. I've thought a lot too about writing down in gory detail the events of my life. I love it when people like what I write. When I get compliments I feel SO GOOD about myself. BUT, I've taken all that in and rolled it together with my own dream of writing and the notion that my father is a published author and I've turned it into a pressure filled expectation. I've done that to myself.

I've decided to let myself off the hook. I'm done being tortured by the expectation. I don't expect myself to ever write anything for public consumption other than this blog. I don't think I have IT. I don't have the set of skills I need to pull it off. I get really frustrated when I try to develop an idea past a few paragraphs.

So, I will continue to write about everything and nothing right here. And... if I never write or sell anything I will be ok with that.

Ahhhh... I feel better.

Paranoid Much?

Yes... I am.

We're participating in this class on attachment disorder (so as to better understand the little damaged people who live in our house).

This class is run by two shrinks(Child Psychologists) and a doorknob (Social Worker). Really they're very sweet people and I like them but they chose their professions so they have to live with their titles.

They are videoing this class (for posterity's sake). Last week they had the camera in a stationary position. Unfortunately that position had it looking right at me. It was uncomfortable but I could deal with it because it didn't move around and I could pretend that it wasn't even on.

Well.... this week "the doorknob" stood behind it and basically stalked us as we sat there and participated in the class. I thought perhaps I was being paranoid that the camera was aimed at me A LOT. I didn't say anything. BUT, when we were on a break Hubby Guy stated that he noticed the camera was on me A LOT.

My brother was adopted. When I was a kid I had a recurring thought.  I used to wonder if it was really me who was adopted and they just didn't want me to know. I wondered often if there was something I didn't know. I thought I knew all the facts but wondered if people were just humoring me.

I watched this disturbing episode of television once where the main character woke up in a mental hospital and the life she thought she had was all just an elaborate dream.

Tonight this is the truly paranoid, freako thought that was going through my mind: What if "the class" is just a ruse to study ME! Yikes! Maybe at some point they're gonna haul me away to the crazy house!

I have a VERY vivid imagination! You'd think at some point I'd come up with something productive to do with all the crazy stuff I think up.

I Lost It.... on to other things

A couple days ago I thought of something really cool (and funny) to blog about. For whatever reason I didn't sit down and write it. I just knew that I would remember. I haven't. I lost it.

Here's my newest observation on human behavior.

I have a friend (....really I do). This friend is mondo cool. She's one of those people you just want to hang out with all the time.  Lately, though, she's been stressed out. I've learned that when she's really stressed out and she asks you a question, you can't answer it the way you normally would. Instead, you have to very quickly and concisely answer the question exactly the way she wants it answered or she gets really frustrated with you. (Something I'm incapable of doing - I'm a painfully slow thinker) Also I've found it's best not to ask her any questions regardless of how badly you think you want the answer and just know that she has it. The person who normally is very merciful and gracious turns into a very short fused, rather unkind person.

I didn't tell you that so you'll think poorly of my friend. Don't. I still love her and think she's mondo cool. And, I still want to hang out with her (just not right now).

I told you that because I was thinking through the situation and have come to a conclusion.

A lot of attention is given to teaching social behaviors like being kind and polite, etc. I do think those things are important. Doesn't it seem, though, that we miss the chapters in the "Social Stuff 101" text about how people are fallen and imperfect? I don't think anyone ever said to me "Stef, people aren't perfect and they behave inconsistently. All the pleases, thank you's, and excuse me's aren't gonna be enough to know how to deal with some people on some days." Granted, we learn that eventually. I think with the absence of formal instruction on the topic, my first inclination is to internalize or take personally that my friend has been a booger lately. Truthfully, though... I'm a booger sometimes too. We all are. I has served me well to remember that.

I think it would have been neat to witness Jesus dealing with the disciples when they woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Were his feelings hurt when they were cranky or snippish with him?  Did he want to roll his eyes at them or thump them behind their ear? I'm betting he was just as gracious with them then as he was when they weren't being boogers.

It seems like so much of the strife between people that I hear about comes from the notion that we're only nice to people when they are being nice to us. Instead of being gracious and considering the other person, we internalize and dish it back out to them. I'm so grateful that God has forgiven me for being a booger sometimes as an example for me to forgive the boogerish behavior of others.

See The Art In Me

I don't really consider myself artsy.

Every now and then though I do something like this:

 and I think maybe there's a sliver of artistic flair in me. I had SO MUCH fun!

I gotta know, though.... is it a sin to DEVIL Easter eggz?  :)

And... since I'm blogging I'll throw in some random stuff.

Last night I managed to lay hold of an Easter dress for myself...AND I did it with the girls with me. They were so good! They gave opinions and were nice and quiet in the dressing room while they were waiting for me to try on our choices. It was cute. I even heard them complimenting some other ladies who were trying on stuff. I so look forward to when they're a little bit older so they can keep me looking age appropriate yet trendy. Teenage girls are good for that.

We now have a person who is very interested in our house. She has to sell her house in PA though. Bummer! As much as I'm excited that someone loves it, it doesn't help that they can't buy it yet. Hopefully her house will sell or someone else will come along soon.

On How I Would Like To Kick Some Backsides & Thank My Savior

Every now and then I remember that I didn't birth my children.

On occasion things happen that put me squarely in that place that makes me feel like I'm living in a Lifetime movie.

For whatever reason, last night my oldest decided to share a secret. After more than 2 years with me, she has finally opened a dialogue about something that happened in her life 4 years ago. It felt very cool that she trusted me enough to tell me.

Witnessing her sheer terror and listening to what she's feeling about what happened made me REALLY angry. Knowing that I couldn't hold her tight enough or say enough soothing things to make her pain go away was a really helpless feeling. There are people in our community walking around free that are responsible for my child's pain. It's just wrong.

BUT... something she said was SO COOL. She spoke some about why she doesn't talk about it. She said one of the biggest reasons why she felt like she didn't need to hold onto it anymore was because she felt like God was telling her to get rid of it. How cool is that? To witness Christ moving in your child's life is AWESOME!!!

Our adoption should be complete in 20 days. It will be a beautiful day. What I'm hoping and praying, though, is that it will be the first day of the rest of their lives. They've been with us for more than 2 years. That day, though, they will be fully ours. I really hope that gives them some peace. I hope it will be a catalyst that helps them want to tear down some walls. There's still so much that they just won't talk about.

Heaven only knows how many backsides I'm gonna want to kick when it's all said and done.