I Confess...

I confess.... I love to watch people. I posted before about how I love to walk through other neighborhoods and imagine life differently (Out of Life Experience). Tonight I was sitting at a restaurant and could not help but watch people. There were TONS of people in there. I found myself imagining life as other people.

I am constantly amazed at how different our lives are. There is a lot common to daily life, but schedules and places and families are all different.

I started to consider why I people watch. I don't want to switch lives. I like mine. I know better than to think the grass is greener.

I just love to watch people. I LOVE, LOVE to go sit some crowded place and just take it all in. It's like being a benevolent stranger in an ant hill. People rush here and there. They talk on their cell phones to unseen people. They're mad, sad, angry, happy, whatever. It's positively intriguing.

Another thought I had was this: I heard quoted someplace that "God is in the people business." I can't help but think the reason why me and so many others I've known love to people watch is because we're wired for relationship. God wants us to engage one another. That wonder I have is supposed to be used for His kingdom.

That makes me feel kinda bad because I'm shy until I get to know people. I think most of the time I'd rather sit back and watch.

Because I'm Concerned......

Is it wrong of me to be excited about stealing from the candy buckets of my children who are gonna walk/run through neighborhoods at a feverish pace for hours to get it?

They always get such good stuff!

Their teeth don't need the sugar. I mean all that candy isn't healthy for the kids, right?

Because I am the BEST mom, I will take one for the team and help them with things like Skittles (bad) and M&M's (indeed very, very bad) so their health will not be affected by this particular holiday. And if they were to acquire Reese's cups or Twix bars, because I love them I will fall on my sword (so-to-speak) and help them through the health crisis by eliminating the dangers.

It's my duty, after all, because I'm the BEST mom.

Ok.... I'm Excited!

We signed the adoption papers today.

The iceberg of indifference and pessimism I've turned into over the past 18 months is beginning to melt.

My girlies are, well..... mine. *** Happy Dance***

On Disordered Eating

I'm having a very transparent moment. If you can't handle raw truth concerning me, stop reading.

Throughout my life I've had an "ism". I have a very, very hard time eating in certain environments. When I was younger I really couldn't eat at all in public with the exception being in a restaurant with my family. Buffet lines/cafeterias were completely out of the question regardless of who I was with.

Fortunately I've gotten past the worst of the "ism". I still struggle though. I still just can't bring myself to eat in environments where I'm not completely comfortable. I come unglued. For instance.. The program I work for is having an event today. I was invited over for lunch. I just can't. It would take far too long to explain why. I can just tell you that the thought of going back over there for lunch makes me want to cry. Fortunately, I work for an amazing person who is gracious and aware of my "ism". She will understand if I don't come. No one else will even care that I'm not there. It's frustrating though to be an adult and have to deal with such a stupid "ism". It drives me nuts that I haven't completely overcome it.

I've been thinking lately about my "ism" because I've been faithfully working out again. It's strange what working out makes me think in my head. I spoke before about being "addicted" to exercise. The truth is that regular exercise rares the head of my "ism" as they are connected. I've really had to keep myself in check. I have those ugly thoughts of working out for 2 hours a day and eating precious little. I HAVE NOT acted on that. I'm just admitting that I've thought about it. The truth is that I don't have time to live like that at this phase of my life.

We all have our burdens. Now you know mine!

Adoption

We had the first meeting yesterday about adoption.

It's actually gonna happen!

We sign adoption placement orders on Monday.

I think I've said all these things before. You'll just have to bear with me. This process has been "hellish". There's so much to it ya'll. I really should write the whole story down. Honestly, though, I just want to get past it.

Underneath

Underneath all the day to day lives a person I once knew.

She was smart and had her whole life in front of her. She was an athlete. She had time for the sweet details. She communicated with her friends in a real and honest way. She was also super creative.

I've seen glimpses lately of the person I was when I was younger. I'm trying to reclaim the good parts. I think it can happen.

Truthfully, I love who I am now. I'm not complaining. It's just that somewhere along the way a part of me went missing.

For a long time I feel like I've been a totally different person. I think I've decided that I just changed appropriately for my age and stage of life. It's good to be able to reclaim some of the lightness and creativity of my youth.

Icky, Icky.. A Bunch of Sickies!

The cosmos is runnin' a special....

3 for the price of one influenza!! (Fortunately it isn't the pig sickness... just the regular kind)

I am the holdout. I refuse to succumb to the illness that has my family in its clenches.

My boss offered me her guest room.

I have a theory. I've been working out a lot lately. My system is primed. They say regular exercise can help your body fight off illness. If I ultimately get the flu I'll eat those words, but here's hoping!

I'm no Siskel & Ebert......

Saw another movie today.... and if I could convert all my fingers and toes to thumbs I would give the movie a huge 20 thumbs down.

We saw "Where The Wild Things Are". I am so very disappointed. Even if I had rented it for a buck out of the Walmart vending machine I would still have hated it.

They destroyed the story. It had so much possibility. It could have been so lighthearted. Nope!

I kept thinking throughout the movie that the person who wrote the screenplay got really high and read the book and translated it into a film from a drug induced state. The movie was depressing and dark from beginning to end. It's now been 5 hours since we left the theater and I'm still bothered by what I saw.

It's a stinker, ya'll. Don't waste your money.

It Just Ain't Right!

Ok... so I've got this personal trainer person.

It's been really fun. I meet with her once a week. She gives me written workouts to do all the other days. I've been good and done the majority of it.

It's been cold outside and I haven't been able to do my favorite cardio workout (jumping on the trampoline).

Yesterday I finally broke down and went to UREC. That's the big rec/workout place on campus. I usually only go there to use the indoor track. I'm kinda scared of the room with all the machines in it. I feel old, fat and out of place. I went right into the scary room and found myself an elliptical machine (my new addiction) and worked out out for 45 minutes. After that I went home and did the rest of my workout (sit ups, push ups, etc.)

And... today guess what I did? I went back and did it again!!! Holy Smokes!!

I was pondering something as I was working out today. The more I work out the more I want to work out. It doesn't make sense to me that using all that energy makes you have more energy.

We went out for dinner early tonight. When I got home I immediately went into project mode. I flipped my wardrobe (summer for winter). It's a huge project! And.. while I was doing that I did 95% of the laundry in the house. (Another huge project) So 3 hours later I'm still not as tired as I should be. CRAZY!!! It just ain't right.

Blah!

I'm seriously lacking inspiration this morning.

Just imagine that I've written something really clever yet heartwarming and truly hysterical.

Have a great day!

The Best Stuff Ever!

I more than "heart" flannel PJs. I dare say that I LOVE them.

I can't understand WHY I can't wear my purple flannel Grumpy (as in the dwarf) pants out in public. WHY must life be so unfair?

The world would be a happier place if everyone could just wear flannels and baggy sweats everyplace.

Like Fine Wine

Ok... let me qualify all this with I'm not a drinker. I've never even tasted wine.

I have, however, heard lots of references to fine wine. I've heard that it grows on you. I've heard that you have to pair the beverage with a food item that compliments it to really appreciate it. I've heard stuff about how it's aged to perfection, etc.

I have this to say about all that.

There are a couple things in my life that seem similar.

1) Old friends - I have one friendship in particular that has really experienced the gamut of things life has to offer. It's a friendship that has been aged. I don't know if perfection is the word I would assign to it. I would say about it, though, that age has brought a sweetness to it that I value highly. When I compare that friendship to some of the others that I have there's a definitely a lasting quality about it. I think at this point there's been so much invested that neither one of us would ever let it go. I'm not at all saying I want to. I'm just sayin...

2) Foster to adopt - I don't have the time, vocabulary, or emotional fortitude to appropriately and adequately explain the complexity of the foster to adopt circumstance. It does things to you emotionally that are unnatural. It ISN'T for the weak. What it requires can't be quantified on any existing scale.

The piece of it that reminds me of the fine wine reference is this: (Hang in I'll get there eventually)

When you lose a child that you love it breaks you in a way that only a person who has endured it understands. I endured it in the context of losing a child I fostered. I cannot imagine what it's like to lose a biological child. That just doesn't compute. It hurts my heart and head to think about.

We took in our current children 6 weeks after the loss of our first child. For almost 2 years now a part of me has been held back. I haven't yet to bond with my girls the way I did with the first one.

I feel like for the last two years we've participated in a process that had no guaranteed outcome at all. At times all I had towards it was bitterness. I was certain that the process was wasteful.

As I think about the adoption process that begins in 13 days, I begin to recognize the end of the process. I can start to imagine the sweetness. I can identify the work that has gone into the final product. I can place value in the relationship in a way I couldn't before because of the fear that I would lose them too.

I've begun to imagine things that previously were emotionally unsafe like learning to drive, graduations, boyfriends, and weddings. I've aged into these kids and when the adoption is final it will have been worth the process.

Bittersweet

I need to take the opportunity here today to vent about something and share my heart on a topic.

Our first foster placement was the most precious little girl. We only had her a month but we bonded instantly and would have been the happiest family unit ever had we not been separated.

I was sad but ok about her being moved. She was moved to the home of an aunt and uncle that have known her since she was born. She wasn't going somewhere she didn't want to go.

6 weeks after we lost her we got the call about our current girls. Life took off from there.

A few months ago I got a call from a person (very long story) who was begging me to take our original kid back. She told me that she was being placed back into foster care. Hubby Guy and I talked about it and decided that if the agency offered her we would say yes. They never offered.

A couple months ago I posted here about having encountered her.

I don't think I've shared the newest tidbit. She's now in the same gymnastics class as my little one.

She's healthy and happy. I have no complaints. I just miss her.

So during that gymnastics class I find myself watching the first kid more than I do my current kid. This past Saturday was "viewing day". They actually let us in the gym and we don't have to hover in windows and doors to see. I got a front row seat. My first little one knows that I watch her. She likes it too because every time she does a trick she looks up to me to make sure I saw. She and I bonded over gymnastics when she was in our house. It was during gymnastics season and I was at the gym a lot. Hubby Guy would bring her there to see me. I would let her play on the mats, walk the beam, etc. She LOVED it.

Her new foster mom doesn't watch the class. That's all I'll say about that.

I've just never experienced a feeling like it before. I love a kid and feel like I can't have a relationship with her. It's TERRIBLE! I'm happy that I get to see her but it's really bittersweet.

I just needed to say that.

Randomness

I don't know.....

This picture is darn funny.

I can' help but smile when I see these kitties.

I need to kiss the sweet face of the kitty in the background. Doesn't he totally look like he doesn't get it? I totally love him for it.

This picture reminds me of me and my brother. He was forever cracking up himself and others. I was the one in the background wondering what was so funny.

Work With Me Here...

You may or may not know that we (us earthlings) shot a missile at the moon this morning. The purpose was to study the scraps to see if they could find evidence of water. Apparently they're still looking for life or something. Anyway... they promised live shots of it. There were lots of disappointed science nerds this morning because there were no actual shots of it. That part didn't work!

Well... I found humor in that. Immediately the picture that came to mind was the Bugs Bunny episode where they blew up the moon and Bugs and Marvin were left hanging from it's scraps. I searched online for that picture and couldn't find it. I'm disappointed.

When Hubby Guy (Science Nerd) told me he was waiting to see the live feed this morning and I asked him what they were doing, he said they were gonna shoot the moon to see if anybody shoots back.

So this is the image we're likely to see on the evening news.

Who knows how little Marvin will retaliate. :)

The Best Stuff Ever!

It's been a while since I've made an addition to my Best Stuff Ever list. So far I've listed Ravioli in a can, best friends, gymnastics, wonderful hubby guys, and puppies and kitties.

The next best thing I can think of really would require smello-feelo-vision to adequately give it justice. You'll have to settle for a two dimensional representation.


I love crisp (not cold) fall days. I love the sweet rustling sound the fall colored leaves make as they blow in the breeze. I love the color of the sky in contrast to the pretty red, orange and yellow leaves. I wish I could describe the smell of fall. I love that too.

I'm very grateful that I live in a place as gorgeous as Virginia. The fall season is spectacular. I lived in Florida for 10 years. Fall doesn't happen there the way it does here. Those years there make me really grateful for what I have now in terms of seasons.

A Song for Ya

(All sung in a very hearty munchkin brogue)

Ding Dong the Brat is moved
He's met his match
He's been reproved

Ding Dong
The bratty Brat got moved!

As much as I would love to make several more verses to this particular poem, that's all I've got.

Hopefully I can be done with this topic now.

Brat Poison!

This morning I invented something in my head.

I do this all the time.

Years ago when I worked at a hospital I invented an "Invisibubble". You put it on and zip it up and it makes it so that you can pass through hallways undetected, thusly freeing you from the mindless small talk people feel is necessary to not appear rude. I also invented the "Stealth Suit". It works much the same but gets you places much faster!

This morning I invented Brat Poison. You feed it to children like the little kid that continues to harass my first grader. (No he hasn't been moved yet!!!) It won't kill him. It will only make him obedient and sweet. It will also get rid of his tendencies toward being an evil predator. Doesn't it sound wonderful?

Hidden Agenda!

I often wondered when I was kid why my mother bought herself really trendy cute clothes and bought me hideous specimens that I didn't care to be seen in.

I think I've figured it out.

On Saturday I bought the Oldest some new clothes. I try to buy cute yet very modest clothes for her. I do a decent job of picking out what she likes. Well.....

I think I did too good of a job. She looked really cute yesterday.

My conversations with her this school year have had more and more to do with boys. Apparently she's very highly sought after "girlfriend" material this year. Now before you go freaking out, understand that in 6th grade having the designation "boyfriend/girlfriend" doesn't mean anything. It's just a designation and there's no acting on it. She knows full well that she won't be allowed to "date" until high school and even then there will be MAJOR rules involved.

That being said..... I'm working hard on helping her understand that she doesn't need a boyfriend. I'm trying to teach her to stand on her own, be confident, etc. It's very difficult. But... she's so darn cute. I don't think I've helped her by buying cute clothes. Hubby Guy has a point. He told me yesterday to stop helping her put outfits together. On her own she horribly mismatches things. Perhaps I should keep her looking like a dork for a little while longer.

My mother TOTALLY did that. I wasn't even cute like my oldest and she did it anyway.

It was GENIUS!

Second Wave

I promised you something light. When I wrote that I totally had a funny in my head.

But then I forgot the funny.

I remembered it again, only now it's not funny anymore.

And truthfully....the fall season... it does crazy stuff to me. First, I get organized. I've already discussed that.... Projects are ongoing.

My second wave of "fallness" consists of "taking inventory". This wave of fall activity in my head is marked with analysis. It's even set to music most of the time. The theme song of a TV show I watch is my current thinking song. It's a really beautiful tune.

Anyway... I take time to consider things. It sounds complicated, but really it isn't. It just gives me an opportunity to file away thoughts that get stuck in my mental in-box. After those are filed away I feel prepared to carry on.

Now don't go thinking I'm a crazy! What I do is very healthy.

I heard an amazing sermon once about the sabbath. The pastor guy's point was that God designed us to rest. The notion of rest is a multifaceted thing if you think about it. Anyway... he went on to break it all down. He described what it means to fully rest in God. Part of that process is talking through those thoughts that get stuck in our in-boxes. He didn't use those words. That notion is mine. It just totally fits with what he was talking about. I know you're at a loss because you have no idea what that pastor guy said. Trust me, it was AWESOME! Anyway... the second wave of fall is a kind of sabbath for me. I purposefully take the time to "take inventory". It keeps me sane.

So, I'm not meaning to be all deep and stuff. When I'm in my fall pensive mood I generally look at life differently. Although there's humor in much, it doesn't easily work it's way to the surface.

News and a Promise of Lightness

Have you ever had an experience where you were prepared for a fight but then there was no fight necessary?

That's how our meeting yesterday with the principal went. We went in armed, ready, and on the defensive. That principal is either really good at disarming people or she's not the doorknob we were told she was.

She didn't even hiccup about moving the predator out of our daughter's class. We were both floored. She agreed wholeheartedly that moving him is the best course of action. Yay!

On another note.... I realize what I've written lately has been about serious stuff. I have a lighthearted blog on it's way. I don't mean to be Debbie Downer. I've just been on a serious page in life lately.

Mama Bear is Loose and Fangs are Blazing!

OK... so last year my littlest one had the misfortune of being placed in a classroom with a horrible little child. I won't go into details but I'll just say he really cashed in on her unfortunate background. It was a tumultuous year!

We were SO EXCITED this year to find out that they were not being placed in the same class. The little one has really thrived this year. She has been excited about school. Her attitude has been great. She's learning lots of good stuff.

So last week she came home and said that the problem child was going to be in her classroom. I verified it with the teacher. A week ago yesterday he became part of her class. In the last week her attitude about school has changed. She doesn't come home sharing about what she's learning. Now she comes home saying what the problem child did and said. EVERYTHING has changed! It makes me livid.

Hubby Guy wrote a letter to the principal and we have a meeting with her this afternoon. We've heard that she's a real doorknob. That's the impression I've gotten from her the last three years that I've had children at that school. I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt but I don't have high expectations.

We are asking that the problem child be removed from our daughter's classroom. Our little one has other issues to consider. Moving her to another classroom will nullify her first grade year. I'm guessing they won't move him because they just put him in that classroom. He was moved there because of an issue with another student in his original classroom. I have a sneeky feeling that we're gonna find ourselves at an impasse.