I was a gymnast when I was a kid. I spent hours a day for years manufacturing a lean muscular physique. When my metabolism started to slow I began adding weight. I kissed my gymnast physique goodbye in my mid 20's. I was still thin though.
At some point (I think after I turned 30) I totally lost track and didn't care. I ate what I wanted and sat around and watched TV. I saw a picture of myself a couple of years ago and I just lost it. It was like 2 me's sitting there. I was HUGE!!!! I almost immediately started exercising an hour a day and eating practically nothing. I lost 20 pounds and felt MUCH, MUCH better about myself and my life.
Well... I haven't gotten quite as big as I was but I've ballooned again. It's sad. I do not like what I see in the mirror. SO.... I begin again. This week I'm working on getting my intake under control. Next week I'll tack on some exercise (rain, rain go away!!!).
My question yesterday was this: Is it worth it? Eating what I want and when I want it makes me a nice person. I get what I call "Mean Hungry" when I don't eat regularly. I've been that all week. The day before yesterday I was not fit for human company. I was a "oxygen thief" my husband would say. I was MEAN and I knew it. I had to apologize to my oldest and her friend because my control freak came out and ripped them a new one for coming in through the garage (a perfectly acceptable entrance to our home) instead of coming in through the front door where they went out. (Imagine music from Psycho here)
The half hearted internet search I performed yielded the notion that I fall into to the average category when compared to other women in the US. According to all the healthy weight charts, however, I'm overweight. For me this creates internal conflict. I can feel ok with my average self or I can reign in my liberal style of nutrient intake and be better than average. It makes me mad that life is like that. That same internal battle can be over anything. For me it's body image. For someone else it could be about education, career, parenting, etc. Knowing it's likely everyone's battle doesn't make it any easier for me. I'm tormented.
One of the biggest mistakes my mother made was fixating on my chuncky pre-pubescent self. I went through a phase of being pudgy. My mother (who at the time was a very cruel person) taught my brothers (one older and one younger) to sing "fatty fatty 2x4 can't fit through the bathroom door" while I was at the table eating. She also encouraged them to "oink" at me while I was eating. It's solely by the grace of God that I don't have an eating disorder from that phase in my life. It stands to reason, though, that the year or two all that was going on pinched my psyche enough to cause body image issues.
The truth is that I like who I am. I just want to like me and be thin too. I don't think that's too much to ask. The question remains. Is it worth it?
Me hammin' in borrowed clothes from my Granny after a stop over at her house on my way home from an out of state gymnastics meet. (I was unprepared for an unexpected warm snap)
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