Yesterday did not end the way I had planned. I knew it would be a bad day but I truly had no idea. The girls bio mom changed her mind after the goodbye visit. Now it's back to a trial to terminate her rights. Fortunately the trial date is already set and hasn't changed because of what she did last week. It just makes the situation sadder. She doesn't even love them enough to do what's right for them. She's a very selfish person. Don't think I'm a monster for saying these things. The story is horrible and I'm not gonna repeat it here. You'll just have to trust me on that.
I woke up this morning sick to my stomach. On many occasions I've likened this experience to being pregnant. My body isn't being stretched but I do on occasion suffer physiologically. This is one of those times. I've been "pregnant" now for 15 months and STILL I'm not guaranteed a child. Until yesterday I had a "due date". Now that's been prolonged. There is still hope for November but I'm not gonna hold my breath.
In the shower this morning I was reminded of an old camp song "Put your hand in the fan and you will lose a finger, put your foot in the fan and you will lose a toe, put your face in the fan and you will look at others differently, out your body in the fan and it'll change your anatomy." It needs another verse along the lines of emotions or family. That's what I feel right now about foster care. It feels more like a blender instead of a fan. I feel like I've been beaten and left for dead.
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