On Molding Productive Members of Society

As I AM on a never-ending quest to develop children that will positively affect the planet......

On saturday afternoon we worked on a very special skill....

We worked on our foot writing.

We determined that we are all right footed. :)

One-Track

Sorry I haven't said much. My brain is so full with thinking about the new house and waiting with great anticipation that I feel kinda one-track right now. I'm CERTAIN that you don't care where I'm planning to put the couch. Likewise, I'm sure you don't have an opinion on what color of blue to paint the great room. See my point. I'm incapable of talking about anything else.

I will share a couple of things though. Last night on the Sherwin Williams website I found a really fun tool. You can upload a picture and then try out paint colors to see what they'll look like in that room. It was fun but a little tedious because the only picture I have of the room I wanted to try had lots of furniture and stuff in it. You have to tell the program exactly what areas to paint. It was VERY similar to Photoshop. I had to use a little polygon tool to select the biggest areas of wall that weren't decorated.

Yesterday after work I went to a couple of furniture stores. I went first to Grand's because I was thirsty. They always offer a little glass bottle of Coke whenever you go in there. It is our furniture store of choice and the caffeine offering at the door only sweetens the deal. I looked at EVERYTHING. I got some ideas but didn't really fall in love with much. So far there is only one chair that I want. I went to another store and found a bedroom set that I like. That just only added to my hurry up and wait.

If I were really an overachiever **which I'm NOT** I would start a little design book with paint swatches and furniture pictures.

Hell's Kitchen

This morning the oldest asked me if she could cook eggs. I said sure. She's done it plenty of times.

I always say I don't want any because of one very important fact. EVERY time she has made eggs she has decided she's a famous chef and makes "specialty" eggs. Today there isn't anything that adequately expresses how happy I was that I said no again.Unfortunately the little one said yes.I couldn't save her.

Today the oldest decided that scrambled eggs would be fantastic with banana chopped up in them. ** If you're already turning green, it gets worse**  I found this out as she set a heaping plate of her concoction in front of her sister. I then noticed there was still lots of it in the pan. I asked how many eggs she felt were necessary to feed her and her sister. She said she started with 4 and it didn 't look like enough and then she started telling a weaving , winding story that didn't really give me a number. I'm guessing that she scrambled 8 to 10 eggs with 1 banana mixed in. It was all runny and scorched looking. **BLICK**

I ultimately let the little one pick out the banana. I didn't let the big one off the hook. After one bite she was disgusted and didn't want to eat anymore. She got to suffer some natural consequences. Not only did she have to eat everything on her plate, but she wasn't allowed any other food today until she had eaten all of her concoction. (Approximately 6 more eggs worth)

She ate a little for lunch and the rest for dinner. We did have some fun at dinner though. She shared the rest of her recipe. I was too scared to ask what else she may have put in the eggs. She's famous for killing them with minced garlic. I couldn't let myself consider eggs with garlic and banana. It would have soured my stomach for the day. BUT... what she actually put was seasoned salt which was probably every bit as bad or worse.

We named her creation Huevos Chiquita. She'll never live it down. :)

Hurry Up and Wait

I feel like I'm next in line to get on the rollercoaster. Do you know the feeling when you've been waiting in a crazy long line for about 45 minutes in the heat and you've finally made it to the head of the line? All you have to do is wait for the next ride to come in and then it's your turn.

I've wanted to move for a while now. I've thought about it for a very, very long time.

Now everything is in place and we are just waiting for the closing date. In a way this part is harder. I'm really excited. I want time to speed up.

Friendship is Beautiful

I have a friend. ** Believe it or not**

We've known each other positively forever.

We have a big girl friendship that doesn't take it's toys and go home when we encounter possible uncomfortablity and life's general unpleasantries.

I love her :)

Wake Up Call

Yesterday I had FUN! We went to the water park to celebrate the birthday of my friend's daughter. I haven't been to a water park since I was a teenager. I had forgotten how much I like water slides.

Like anything else, though, my analysis muscle was working overtime the entire time I was there. Something was off with my kids and I couldn't figure it out.

The girls and myself were the only non-relatives invited to said party.

I was at a loss to figure out my own kids so I spent the majority of the time considering the relationships in the family we were with. I have known the family for 18 years. It's not like any of them are strangers. They definitely aren't. I'm just not one of them. In another 30 years I still won't be one of them. They aren't my family.

I have spent the better part of the last 20 years working to establish the "family" experience for myself because of the dysfunction the scarred me as a child. On some level I have definitely done that. I can say, though, that no amount of contrived family experience can substitute for the real thing. Every family has it's dysfunction, but there's just something really beautiful about those moments when in spite of the dysfunction the family works as a unit.  **like linking arms to escape the pool troll**

When we got home last night I asked why my girls didn't play with the birthday girl and her sister. I was told that when the oldest asked the other child if she wanted to play she said no because she just wanted to hang out with her cousins. All of the sudden everything clicked in my head and I understood.

Here was the big thought that occurred to me after hearing that: My girls aren't part of the family we were with and they aren't biologically part of mine. I cannot imagine how painful it is for them to know that they have a biological family out there that they can't be a part of. I'm certain they understand the bio-family bond. When my kid told me about what the other kid said she wasn't upset by it. It made perfect sense to her. It broke my heart, though. The best Hubby Guy and I can offer is a contrived family experience. As much as our family is their family now, there will always be a piece of them that is missing. That is the tragedy of adoption.

I Went On A Date... with my youngest

I went on a date tonight with my youngest. We had fun.

I found myself surprised by the simplicity of entertaining my 7 year old. I told her that we were gonna go on a date just the two of us. I told her we could do anything she wanted. I figured she was gonna go for the movies or skating, etc. She surprised me. Given the option of doing anything she chose the park. SO..... first we went to the park. She played for about a 1/2 hour. I told her that I couldn't play because I'm sick but she assured me she would find someone to play with and she did. From there we went to Target to get a gift for a birthday party we're going to tomorrow. After Target we went to McDonald's because any perfect day in the little one's book includes a meal at the "Golden Arshes". She insisted when we were leaving McDonald's that our supper would be perfectly complimented by a Slurpee. So... we got a Slurpee.    ** Don't judge me. She's 7, you only live once, and we were on a date**     We were on our way back to the house when she decided she wanted to see her brother. We ended up over at his house until about 20 minutes ago. When we got home she was happily in bed within 5 minutes. It was a very successful date.

Caught Her!

A GREAT thing happened in WalMart the other day.

One thing that really triggers my eating issues is people who eat healthy. It makes me feel terrible about myself. I know that's crazy. It's how I feel, though.

SO.... I was in WalMart and I saw an acquaintance. She's a person who for as long as I've known her has poo-poo'd the eating of processed food and has generally turned her nose up at anything that could be construed as tasty. At social gatherings she brings stuff like hummus and pita chips. 

This person actually got in the check out line behind me. I was STUNNED when I saw the items she pulled out of her cart. She's a poser!!! Honestly, my chin hit the floor. What's funny is that I felt vindicated. I thought, "Score one for the doughnuts!"  I think the truth is that she's health conscious for herself but doesn't actually torture her family with hummus and the like. As a doughnut who hates to see others suffer the indignity of eating bean sprouts, I'm proud of her. BUT, now that I know her secret she can totally tone down the doughnut hate speech.

I've Approached the Line Once Again

Warning/Instruction/Disclaimer: I'm about to share my deepest, darkest secret. I do not expect anything from you the reader. I'm just tired of hiding and pretending. I want the facts out there so it can seem like less of a scary thing for me. 

I'm just gonna say it. I have issues.

I've always had trouble eating in front of people. It stems from trauma I experienced as a child. As an adult I am aware of my troubles and mostly manage to get by without people noticing my discomfort. I have a well oiled system of excuses I hide behind that work like a charm.

When I was younger the problem was actually easier to deal with. I was skinny, so in my head it made sense to me that not eating would be expected and I felt it was easier to get away with no one seeing me eat. In the last 10 years I've become massive. Unfortunately I believe the reason for that is that I've got such an unhealthy relationship to food and where,when, and what I eat. I've managed to get myself into a cycle of  - lose lots of weight, gain it all back, repeat. That is so unhealthy! UG!

There seems to be a magical line on the scale. When I get there I start to really struggle emotionally with "looking like a doughnut". I am there now. I look at me in the mirror and am so disgusted. I would love to go on The Biggest Loser. I'm struggling, people.

Hand-Me-Down Snark

The girls and me were out this evening wasting time while waiting for the home inspection of the house we're selling to be over.

After spending an hour in KFC ** I never knew one could take an actual hour to eat 2 chicken strips** we went to Walmart to look for nail polish **some things I can't go without**.

On our way out of the store we encountered the brats from across the street and one of their parental units. We spoke courteously as is customary and exited the store.

When we got outside the oldest flatly said, "I really wish that we had just missed them." I found the well-timed snark darn funny. I returned with "Do you mean you could have gone all day without seeing them?" to which she said flatly again "Yep".

I suppose if I were a good parent I would have told her not to say stuff like that. She didn't need to say why she felt the way she did. There's no love lost between us and the brats across the street. I just found it hysterical that she chose to express what she was feeling the way she did. It was genious.

When stuff like that happens I get really paranoid about the things I say. I wondered if that was hand-me-down snark or if she just comes by it naturally. :)

Bittersweet

I've always wanted daughters. I've been told LOTS that boys are easier. I don't care. I wanted girls. Now I have two of them.

Tonight me and the oldest one went on a "date". We got sodas and gigantic chocolate bars and went and sat in the park for about 2 1/2 hours. It was awesome.

I'm a little bit mad that before I know it she probably will be way to cool to want to go on a "date" with me or even be seen in public with me. I wonder how long I can bribe her with chocolate and soda?

It was so sweet to be able to sit and talk about anything and everything. She's young enough that she actually believes what I say. It felt really good to share what I know about life with her. It's somewhat of a burden to know that she didn't have anyone to protect her when she was younger and that so much harm has been done. I feel like I have so little time to try to help heal what I can.

When I was in my 20's the thought that sustained me was that one day all the trauma I endured as a kid would prove useful. What I'm doing now isn't exactly how I had imagined it, but it'll do :)

Stuff Nobody Cares About But I'm Tellin' Anyway

Here it is.

I got a bad haircut.

It's basically the same hair cut that I've had forever. BUT... instead of straight cutting it with scissors, she used that weird texturizing blade thingy. It seemed like a cool idea to both of us at the time. The truth is that it makes me look like I have terrible split ends. It also seems to cue the natural curl that I iron into submission daily that something is terribly wrong so it curls as soon as I walk outside. BOOOOO!!

So I made an appointment today for next week (the soonest she has available) to fix it. I can't wait.

Ooh, Ooh, ooh....And.... did I tell you about my trip to Sherwin Williams?

Pedro the Painter (a.k.a. Hubby Guy) is a paint snob. He will only paint with Sherwin Williams paint. I know, right? So...the girls and I went there to look for potential colors to put in their new rooms, and me the rest of the house, etc.

I walked in and was giving them the lay of the land when the sales dude approached me. I told him what we were up to and he gave me two "fan wheels" of colors ** for FREE**. We went on with our looking. When I got ready to leave I asked him again if he was sure that they were free. He said yes!

So now... I possess LOTS of paint swatches. I'm SO excited about that. Thursday is the home inspection so I'm gonna take my swatches with me and see if I can make some decisions. Fun, Fun!!

Sunday Afternoons

I like saturdays alright, but I love Sunday afternoons.

Saturdays end up being all about entertaining the children. Sometimes it's fun for me and I don't really mind wandering here and there and doing stuff. Sundays though..... the little one has a standing date with her bed for a nice long nap after lunch. The big one sits around bored. Hubby Guy usually takes the time to catch up on things at his office. I get to do anything I want. It's my afternoon off.   Sometimes I nap. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I play on the internet. Sometimes I blog :) It's awesome.  I take my day of rest very literally.

I heard a sermon once about the Lord's Day. The pastor person talked all about how we were designed to have a day to rest. He did acknowledge that rest can take on any number or forms and depends completely on the person. His point was, though, that we weren't designed to schedule every second of our week full of stuff. That isn't healthy. He said that on his calendar there is at least one day in every week that is dedicated to personal renewal. I love that notion. The Bible says we should take a load off. How cool is that?

Shark Music

Hubby Guy and I are part of a class taught by Child Shrinks. It's a class "loosely" about attachment disorder.

This past week they did a really cool thing. They showed a video of a gorgeous beach with a path that leads down to the beautiful water. In the background was nice soothing music. We talked about "our feelings" while watching the video. Then they showed the exact same video again. The second time it was accompanied by "Shark music". It was scary, stranger/creature-lurking-waiting-to-snatch-you music. Then we talked about "our feelings" again. ** Feel free to snicker while conjuring a picture of me and Hubby Guy talking about "our feelings"**   Anyway... the point was that our experiences provide the background against which we view our circumstances or even a particular event. What looks peaceful and unproblematic to one person may be positively terrifying to another person because of their life experience.

This week was a real ah-ha week for me in considering why I do some of the things I do and why I freak out sometimes. Unfortunately I have lots of "shark music". I've never heard what I feel sometimes described so clearly. it was really cool.

That Feeling

Have you ever gotten that feeling that you may have hurt someone's feelings without meaning to?

I totally have that feeling.

Last night I was chatting on Facebook. The person I was chatting with made a comment. I commented back without thinking.

My best friend in the whole wide world is probably laughing right about now when she reads this. She is SO AWARE of what happens when I don't take a moment to process before I speak. I have a directness on occasion that isn't well received. It's especially bad when I'm writing or text/chatting. I'm way braver on paper/in type than I am in person. In person I really am a weenie most of the time. 

So anyway... the person I was chatting with is someone that has a decent grasp of who I am but doesn't really know ME.  That comment happened just as I was falling asleep in my chair and deciding to turn in. I said nite-nite and went on my merry way without waiting for her to say anything else.

SO.... this morning at 2:30am I got up for a potty break and I couldn't go back to sleep. It was guilt... I'm pretty sure. I didn't think anything of my comment at the time. I started thinking, though, about my history with that particular person and the heavy curtain of doubt fell on me. Have I done it again? I can't believe myself.

Sometimes I think perhaps I should join one of those silent convent-type places. I'll speak only to God in my head and keep my mouth shut and fingers still. That way I'll keep myself out of the fine messes I seem to easily get myself into.

When it comes to developing friendships for myself I feel like one of those truly dreadful chick flick characters that is just a "hot-mess" and only gets by because of the people in life who truly love her despite herself.

The Thorn In The Flesh

Just today I was pondering how wonderfully happy and blessed I am. I was doing a mental inventory (a check-up-from-the-neck-up as Hubby Guy would call it). Really it was about more than my brain. It was more of a reconciliation between my brain and my heart/soul.

I was thinking about how I hate that we're born sinful and that our flesh constantly is unsatisfied.

It didn't take me long to identify the one area of life where I always find myself lacking. No, I'm not gonna share what that is. I'll just say I've battled it for years. As much as I would love to not struggle with it, I think I likely always will.

I was thinking of Paul's thorn in the flesh as described in II Cor. 12:7-10. It was given to him as a constant reminder of how in need of Christ he was. It's role was to keep him humble.

It's so easy to lose sight of how fallen and desperate I am when things are good. I haven't forgotten my need of Christ, but it's good to be reminded anyway.

I had this thought too: If I ever did stop struggling with the one thing that I'm not gonna tell you another thing would surely come along.  As daunting as I find my particular struggle, I fear that what may follow it would be triple bad.