I admitted last night that I'm tormented by feeling like I don't know my rightful place. Like everyone else I have lots of roles to play. It may just be that I'm more personally diversified than I've ever been and unsure how to handle it. I feel though that when it comes to service I fall short. Either I really am missing something or I'm not giving myself enough credit. I'm totally unsure on this one.As a Christian I have a strong desire to serve the Lord. As an over analytical person I have a strong desire to "get it right". There is no scriptural directive that I'm aware of that calls for us to "get it right". That notion in and of itself should be helpful. It's not though because God made me with my quirky analytical side for a reason. I can't ignore who I am. I think the problem actually lies with my understanding of the roles I already play. I keep thinking I'm not doing enough. Perhaps I am.
1) I am a child and sister. I have parental units and siblings to whom I'm responsible. Some of those relationships require more effort than others.
2) I am a wife. I feel like I have it very easy in this department because I have a fantastic marriage and a wonderful husband. We just don't have the issues I hear so much about from other married persons.
3) I am an employee. It's only 20 hours a week. I have a flexible schedule. I work for wonderful people. The job is very well suited for me.
4) I am a parent of foster children. This is the category that holds the most responsibility. This is also the category where I get the most well meant, yet unsolicited feedback from others. I do believe that it's something I'm called to/well suited for. I don't, however, believe that it's a higher calling. Kids are kids. Every mother has different issues. My children just happen to have a traumatic past life. I've heard lots of people say that it is my "ministry". I don't know that I believe that.
I don't believe that any of these things or even all of them together are enough. I should be serving in the church somehow. I realize there's a whole topic here that can be debated. We are called to serve people. We are supposed to take care of one another as well. Can both those be done outside the church (given I'm active and plugged in to a church)? I believe the answer is yes. I'm indoctrinated, however, to feel otherwise.
All that just leaves me in a strange place.
Motherhood in general is a higher calling. Your situation is no different, except for the need to clean up some messier issues that you did not create. I (and I think most Christian moms) sell ourselves short by overlooking the ministry we do in our own homes. In fact, the Bible infers that one should not consider greater ministry responsibility outside the home until everything is in line at home.
ReplyDeleteSomething to think about... do you think you could take on something else without any negative impact on your motherhood and wifehood? Many moms are "maxed out" and so less is more.
You may not feel that gymnastics is "service" but I do. I've seen the impact of your lifestyle ministry with those girls.