On Sunshine and Rainbows

The following is lifted from the Facebook status of a friend (Rebekah W). She is an amazing young woman and what she has to say completely hit the mark for where I find myself at the moment:

 

      I am reminded of a statement that C.S. Lewis made “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”~ C.S. Lewis,  The Weight of Glory

 I forget too easily that I am to "Be still and know He is God" Ps. 41:10 and that I am not made to perform but to bear the image of Almighty God in a manner that accurately reflects His character and nature. Preaching the Gospel to my heart today! Eph.2!

 

 

I've had a chain of several rough days. When it rains it pours. Last night I was with a trusted friend disclosing my thoughts. I've been feeling very "stuck" since Saturday. Though it felt very good to wring out my brain on her couch, I didn't leave there necessarily feeling like I had any more answers than I went there with.

 

This morning, though, while doing my hair, God spoke to my heart. I was reminded of what Rebekah said, "I am not made to perform but to bear the image of Almighty God in a manner that accurately reflects His character and nature."  This is the thought I had: In this life there will be pain. That is a fact. Scripture doesn't offer another option. In my hunt for authenticity, I have neglected something major. My performance-based, castle-dwelling lifestyle calls for perpetual sunshine and rainbows. It calls for me to fake it until I make it. Under my new paradigm, I neglected to plan for times when I hurt, for times when unresolved sin drags me back into the pit. The truth is those things are a part of life too. I'm realizing now, DUH!, that performance and authenticity can't coexist. I feel like I should have saved this post for Halloween because that last sentence to me is SCARY!!!!

 

To deal with pain, struggles, unresolved sin, etc..... I will have to trust God with a trust that feels to me very unnatural. I have to completely ban self-sufficiency.  I'm pretty sure I'm having heart palpitations right now! AND.... I'm gonna have to lay down the pride that has kept me from being appropriately vulnerable.  *Insert scary music*  And the plot thickens. God can handle it. Moreover, He wants to handle it. He wants me to trust Him with all of me.

 

 

Fave verse for today:

 

Deuteronomy 31:6

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

⁶ Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For it is the Lord your God who goes with you; He will not leave you or forsake you.”

On the Benefits of Honesty

A few months ago I ran across Dr. Carmella's Guide to Understanding the Introvert. I found it incredible and 100% accurate. I can't figure out who wrote it, but I love it! Out of the whole thing, though, the picture above has stayed with me.

I've been living in "happy town" for several weeks now. I've been absolutely surrounded by an amazing support system. WELL, this weekend I'm away. Off with a bunch of weird theater people who live in a parallel plane that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I'm isolated. I'm alone with myself. I'm lonely.

My former bubble wasn't healthy. BUT.... in a way, it did protect me. At least that's what I thought. When you keep yourself isolated from people, you hurt, but you don't get hurt by people as much. Being hurt by people is what drove me into the bubble in the first place. I made the conscious choice years ago to close myself off... to let very few in.

Sometimes I waver. I'm really enjoying letting people in. This morning, though, my feelings got hurt. I responded. I responded by isolating myself and drowning my sorrows in fat and calories. I dove right back into that bubble without any thought. I verbally punched the person who hurt me. It was awful. I retreated. Yuck! I didn't like it. It was sadly familiar. I hated it. But then... I recovered. I wallowed for a bit, but then I did something WILD and CRAZY. True story. I climbed out of the bubble, went downstairs, found some of my weird people, and confessed about having a pity party. (Aside - I like to take mental pictures of facial expressions I get from others when I say stuff sometimes - like the validation face I got from my youngest a couple of weeks ago) I got the BEST FACE from one of the "weirds".  She was blown away that a stranger to her had just talked about something so "gut level".  Right after that the strangest thing happened. The three of us, all mothers of high school girls,  were really honest with each other about how our children make us feel sometimes. We had a moment of shared understanding. You know what? That moment was freeing. I realized that the bubble, though it feels safe, actually isolates me. It doesn't protect me, it keeps me locked away from the people or environments that can support me. Moreover, it perpetuates the emotionally dishonest lifestyle that our society embraces. When I was honest with my peers, they were honest with me too and we all benefitted from the conversation. That, my friends, is how it should be. It's how it was designed, before sin with all of it's shame and hiding hijacked what was beautiful and made people start to hide.

On Removing the Dam From My River of Creativity

This weekend I am at the Virginia Theater Association Annual Conference. I have been surrounded all day by "drama people". Several thousand (it seems) of those "drama people" are also teenagers. Interesting.  I have also encountered some odd adults..... older "drama people".  Even more interesting.

All day for the first two days (today and tomorrow), aside from breakout sessions for learning how to be EVEN MORE DRAMATIC, high school One Act teams are taking turns performing their plays. There are 44 high school teams in attendance. Between getting here, which is where the sporting part of this competition takes place, and finding rooms...eating lunch...and tracking the group I'm here to keep control of.... I've seen 3 plays. Again..... Interesting.

Soon after I took my seat in the auditorium for the first show, a very odd bird-like woman sat next to me. After a couple of seconds of sitting there she looked right at me and said, "Well, hello there" in an odd sing-songy voice. She went on to ask if I was a teacher or chaperone. When I declared my chaperone role she asked if I planned on attending shows or breakout sessions too. I shared that I would be solely watching shows. Quickly she broke out her little book of all the things going on and pointed me to a breakout session just for parents. The title is "My Student Wants to Study Theater in College: What Do I Do Next?" .  When I assured her that my "student" wants to get a life and a real career she practically snarled at me. Good times.

People watching is premium here. There are people everywhere! It's better than the mall at Christmastime.  I'm feeling somewhat startled at myself that I'm not downstairs right now just sitting and watching. I haven't really felt like it. I have a theory.

A few weeks ago I was sharing with a friend that I used to be very creative. One day, though, it just left me.  I've really struggled with that because it was something about myself that I really enjoyed. Being in this environment has made me somewhat mourn my creativity. Although there have already been wonderful benefits from living this "new life", I'm certain that the return of my creativity might just be ushered in as well.  That will be fun! This weekend definitely has sparked the "want" for me to unleash my creative side. In the interim, though, being surrounded by really creative people feels very unnatural.

On Joy

I am blown away right now.

At the beginning of the month a friend of mine sent me a link to a blog post that someone had written about her kids who are adopted from foster care. I immediately identified with her heart. I understood what relatively few can understand.  I was so moved by what she wrote that I went back to the beginning of her blog and read every word that she has written. Somewhere along the line I decided to reach out and tell her "thank you".

One of the ugly accusations that has been ruling my life is that "I'm unworthy". Those words run through my head regularly on a ticker tape. Those words will take time to overcome. One lesson I learned a very long time ago was to have expectations of acceptance from no one. I just accepted that no one would want to be around me. I don't need to "inflict" myself on people.

Last week I reached out to the blogger again.... I must be crazy or something. I simply told her that based on her blog we've had some common experiences. Since we're from the same community I offered to "go for a walk sometime". She responded positively.  Well today she wrote something that prompted me to ask if she wanted to walk today.... and she did. So I got together with an almost complete stranger. WUT?! I didn't think about it. I just did it.

Today I wasn't "inflicted" on anyone. I met a kindred spirit. Moreover, I DID have something to offer. I had matching experiences and ears to listen. God is good. Today by simply chatting with a friend I both felt God's love and showed His love to someone else. I am overjoyed.

Tuesday...Take 2

This morning was really weird for Hubby Guy and myself.

Scott is the rooster in our house. He is the one that declares it morning. He is the one who sets the alarm. We all happily let him fulfill that role. I know it's time to get up when he comes out of the bathroom and wakes me up.

So this morning he came and woke me up. I was not happy about it because I was sound asleep and dreaming. I always have a terrible time getting up when I'm awakened from a dream. When I finally sat up I noticed 2 things. The first was that it was profoundly dark outside for 7:00 in the morning. The other was that the clock on top of the dresser was wrong. It said 4:38. I wondered how it got messed up. I managed to scrape myself out of bed and get in the shower.

When I was drying off Scott knocked on the door and told me to come out of the bathroom before I finished getting ready. He said he needed to show me something. That was an unusual request. My mind went crazy wondering what the mystery would be. I hurriedly dried off and left the bathroom.

Upon my emergence, Scott asked me to look at his alarm clock. I did. It was just before 7. Then he asked me to look at the clock on top of the dresser. It was just before 5. As it turns out, the clock on top of the dresser was correct. We were up 2 hours early!  He had gotten up and gotten ready. He went downstairs to let the dogs out and one refused to go. He sat down to watch his stock shows and wondered why the programming was different today. He looked a the clocks downstairs and thought perhaps that one of the kids had messed with them because they were wrong too.  At some point he realized, Duh!... his alarm clock had been messed up.

So... we went back to bed and slept for almost 2 hours!  As I was drifting off to sleep I told Scott I always do want a morning nap at some point before I leave the house. This morning I got a nice one.

On Finding Authenticity - Part 2

     As a child, I learned quickly what was expected of me. Our household was one of rigid standards and very little levity. My intelligence served me well. I got straight A's without much effort. I did as I was told. I adhered to the standard like a good little soldier. I learned to be alone. I learned to take care of myself. I learned to cook. I learned to clean. I learned that life is lonely. You could say that I BECAME the standard. I was who I was told to be.

     When I asked Jesus into my heart, I wasn't sure what to do from there. Like other milestones in my life, I was alone. My family quit going to church right about that time. For many, many years of my Christian life I felt completely unchanged. I started going to church on my own in 9th grade. I was invited by some friends at school.  I had always been a "good girl" so I wasn't doing anything different. I didn't experience the radical change that some do when they come to Christ. In 9th grade, though, I started to hear more from scripture about how life is supposed to be. But, because messages to youth are usually more of the "don't do these things" types of messages, that's what I began to cling to. I was good at being a good soldier. I was familiar with rigid standards. I took a very legalistic stance on Christianity. It felt better to me to be working to please God where I felt accepted than working for my parents who I was never good enough for. To me that felt like change.

     Before now when I would tell my "testimony", that was about it. It would end with "and since then I've been learning and growing, blah, blah, blah, more Christianese, etc."  The truth is, I have studied. I have grown. I have learned a lot from scripture. The problem with all of that is I've applied it very narrowly and seen it from a very skewed place. I've taken everything up to the tallest turret of my castle and categorized and sorted and made generalizations of the information. I made it all neatly fit into "my world" instead of the inverse.... the way it should have been. I made it fit the mold of who I was told to be. I made it fit the mold I was shoved into by circumstances beyond my control. I warped it and bent it. I used it however it would benefit me best. I used it to prove that I was ok. I used it to validate my way of life. I caged it up like an animal. I locked it up with me because I was locked up too.

     And now... I've been freed. I understand that I'm not bound to the law. I'm also not bound to "the standard" set so long ago. Without those things I'm somewhat lost. The sum of our experiences equals what it equals. I've done life a certain way for so long I'm not sure how exactly to change. So I'm working on trusting and being still. I'm trusting that once the dust settles from the castle collapse I will start to recognize what is the truth about me. My sincere hope is that I will learn to operate authentically. My desire is to walk away from anything about me that is not what He created me to be.

I was listening to iTunes radio this afternoon and found a new song that I LOVE!!! It's another exact match for where I feel like I am this minute. Here's the video:

I Can Just Be Me

I'll close with this.... in the book TrueFaced they use THE BEST imagery.  Throughout the book they are talking about gifts of grace that God gives us. On each one there's a tag that says this: "Take it. Apply It and Trust me to make it real. I Love You!  Jesus"  I am trusting Him to make it real. I'm trusting Him to grow back the pathway from my brain to my heart so that I can internalize all this good stuff and not keep it "running the track" in my brain.  I can hardly wait!

On Finding Authenticity - Part 1

"Searching for authenticity" seems like such an odd phrase to me. It seems to me that a person is either authentic or not. It should happen naturally. Life happens, though, and I think before we know it life can begin to be defined by our reaction to the sum of our experiences instead of our natural inclinations. At least, that's how it has felt for me.

I was born in 1972 to parents who are believers. I was told that I began going to church "in utero". We were a family that were at the church every time the doors were open...Sunday school, kids church, "Wednesday night supper", kids choir, Vacation Bible School, and any and every other activity that a person could be at church for. Church was life. My brothers and I also attended Christian school. It's very safe to say that we were immersed in the Christian lifestyle. To further assure our protection from "worldly things" we had no television, and weren't allowed to see newspapers. I was only allowed to listen to Christian music as well. I grew up on The Imperials, Dallas Holm and Praise, David Meece, Leon Patillo, The Goads and whoever else made the cut in my Father's eyes. The truth is that I don't feel like I really missed anything. I was a bit socially awkward, though, because I had little to nothing in common to talk about with my friends. I was also bookish... ok a nerd... too and that didn't help.

My world opened up a bit in 4th grade. That year there was a new girl at school. For whatever reason, she decided we were going to be friends. She pursued me until I gave in and we became really tight friends. We went everywhere together. We were a package deal. Pretty quickly after beginning to hang out with her I started noticing that there were some pretty extreme differences in our households. I spent A LOT of time at her house. She didn't like being at my house. I thought her family was really weird. They enjoyed each other's company. I'd never seen anything like it. They hung out with each other because they wanted to, not just because they were related. I thought they were really unusual. To top it off, her parents were big Me fans. They were always so kind. They were always spoiling me. It was an experience like none I'd ever had.

My parents were also Amway distributers. When we weren't at church or school, chances were that we were doing something "business" related. Through Amway I met several more friends. Every summer we would go to a big convention at a cool resort. As we got older we had more freedom during the day when our parents were "at meetings". I usually spent most of my time with 3 other girls my age. One of the girls was a member of the family of musicians that were always at those conventions too to provide the entertainment. We spent a lot of time with them because they were "cool". The times I spent hanging out with that amazing family ultimately changed my life. They were, in many ways, like my friend's family that I thought was so odd. They were crazy in love with each other. They took all that love stuff to a whole new level. They were also crazy in love with God. In all of my time at church I had never seen anyone like those people. I wanted what they had. I wanted to know God like they knew Him. The summer before I turned 14, I invited Jesus into my heart.

On Upside-Down Inauthenticity

It's sunday again.... and, as usual, that means a quiet house and time for me to sit on the porch and read, etc. To top it off, it's GORGEOUS today!

My inspiration this fall has all come from the personal journey on which I find myself these days. I'm enjoying myself thoroughly. I have likened the last month to taking a class in college. It has required homework, assignments that require the help of others, and lots of study time. The most wonderful part is that no grade will be assigned.

Here's the thought that struck me this morning:  Don't just trade inauthenticity for inauthenticity.

As the depth of how off track I have been comes to light, I am appalled. I am increasingly aware of what work lays ahead of me. I'm finding that my tendency is just to want to "flip over" what I was doing before... because what I was doing was exactly wrong, flipping it over would be exactly right....right?  What I would get would just be upside-down inauthenticity. It wouldn't fix my predicament. It would just change my orientation to it.

Self-sufficiency has been a way of life for as long as I can remember. I have specific memories of needing help, even calling out, but no one came. I learned that people don't care about me. I became good at addressing my own needs, taking care of myself, needing no one. As I said before, I constructed a fortified castle. From the castle, I appeared strong. From the castle, I proclaimed to be together. People said things like "You've been so brave" and "You've overcome so much". I received those words, but I was a pretender. Behind those fortified castle walls I was hoarding pain, a very detailed list of wrongs, and accusations too numerous to count.

The picture that keeps coming to mind today is that of when you get hurt and recoil. People wanting to help want "to see". Everything in you is in protective mode, though, and you just can't bring yourself to let people "see", even though you know you need the help.  As I sit here in the pile of rubble that was formerly my castle, I feel recoiled. I feel very protective. I very much want help but am struggling with letting anyone "see". The biggest reason for my hesitancy is I'm afraid to look myself. I know the wounds I've sustained are serious and numerous. I'm so, so afraid too of getting hurt more.

BUT....I am so sick-to-death of hiding. I'm completely over it. The opposite of hiding would be full disclosure, right? My inclination is to just be "wide open", to put it all out there. Purging feels mighty good. But like I said before, changing from hiding to "wide open" won't change my predicament. It will just change my orientation to it.

So, I'm searching for authenticity. I long to be honest and vulnerable. I long to be and to operate out of who God says I am. I'm just not accustomed to trusting and being still. I feel a powerful urge still to strive somehow... strive differently than I had been, but still strive.

The Stuff of These Days

Whew!!! For a while there I managed to post daily. I wish I could keep that up. The truth, however, is that I'm needing more time to process. I still have SO MUCH going on with my big, hairy monster slaying journey. It's all wonderfully exciting too!!!

For the past few days I feel like I've been just resting. I'm still learning to stop striving. I'm learning to trust God.  Humility = trusting God and others with me. The really awesome part is I feel pretty successful. I'm having a spiritual  "look Mom, no hands" moment. I really like the feel of just trusting. I do, in fact, feel lighter.

One really great thing that has happened is I'm beginning to recapture a part of me that has been long lost. I've also been better able to hear God's voice. All kinds of really great things are happening. One of those things is I have a new friend. We are really "sympatico". I love hanging out with her. We sat for 2 1/2 hours today chatting about life. My love language is quality time so I left there STUFFED. It was awesome. One thing about her that I totally love is that she is older than me. I have no idea why that matters. I think that fact provides a type of older-wiserness to our conversations, though. On my journey of "learning to trust God and others with me", I do find it a tiny bit easier to start with persons that are a little bit older. Another thing I love about her is that she asks good questions. She actually converses with me. She doesn't preach at me. She listens and responds. I find that really refreshing. She doesn't have an agenda. She finds me interesting. I find her wonderfully interesting as well and look forward to learning more about her.  I LOVE new friends.

Today in my book I read about receiving and giving love. I'm still in shock. I need to read the chapter again. I will definitely share some of it once I can get any kind of grasp on what I read.

Goodnight world. (Or good morning or good day to all 2 of you who read this..... I love you for it)

On Trashed Castles

Today I find myself grateful. I'm grateful that God doesn't just decide to be sick to death of me and just wash His hands of me and all of my odd notions. The truth is, instead of walking away, He died for me. I am full of awe.

Here's another quote from the book I'm reading: (I highly recommend it, by the way):

"When we view others as sinners rather than saints, we will demand that others work on their sin in order to have a relationship with us."

I recently shared with someone dear to me that since salvation I have been hard at work on a fortified castle. That castle has been my safe place (or my twisted idea of safe). The foundation of the castle is "the law". I set up camp there an have been toiling away building my "Good Girl" castle. I have operated, very legalistically, out of that castle for years. I have looked down on others, judged them, and kept most people at a very safe distance.

These last couple of weeks have been both terrifying and exciting. Lots of questions have come up. When I read that line a couple of days ago, it hit the side of my castle like a giant wrecking ball and knocked it over. Then God, kind of like King Kong (work with me here... I can't help the crazy imagery that happens in my head) picked me up in His giant hand and looked me in the eyeballs (with Love) and I've been waiting a couple of days for what He would say.

Not a very loving look, but you get the picture.

The first thing that came to mind was my precious square pegs people. Before God got all quiet and "stare-y", He made sure I was reminded of them. Very humbly I say, Ouch! I deserved that. I deserve His wrath. I deserve to be mashed into an oily spot on planet earth. What has been somewhat unnerving about this process is the Love with which He regards me. I've heard forever that God is Love. I think I'm finally starting to actually feel the warmth of it. The castle was a very cold place, fortified yet not insulated.

This afternoon, the verses below are what came to mind:

Hebrews 10:23

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

23 Let us hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

Philippians 1:6

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

So, again, I feel grateful. I'm grateful that upon salvation He made me a new person. I'm excited to know that He is maturing me into that person (words from the book, not mine). AND, I'm grateful that, even in my wretched castle, I'm dearly loved. I can't wait to see what dreams He has for me.

On Feeling Refreshed

Let me describe for you one of my favorite scenarios (that happens entirely too rarely): Getting clean, putting on clean PJs, crawling into clean sheets on a bed in a clean, cool room and sleeping until I feel like waking up. I could almost drool thinking about making it happen. I can come close some weekends but there usually seems to be something that keeps the scenario from completely playing out. Another thing I love is new clothes that fit really well and make me feel "cute". (which is another rare occurrence) At the root of those two things is the notion of feeling comfortable and well rested. To me, those things feel refreshing. They make me feel all energetic and light.The truth is that I could name lots of things that physically or mentally put me in a "happy place".

When I had my revelation a couple of weeks ago, I felt very unsure about what it would all mean to daily life. Although exciting, "happy place" isn't how I would describe the feeling at all. I don't actually care for that much change, especially large amounts of it all at once. YUK! I'm sad to say that I can't easily list things that have made me feel "spiritually" light or refreshed. Spiritual things always seem to feel heavy or a lot like work. I've learned this last couple of weeks that I feel that way because I've been doing faith completely wrong. What I thought I was doing was striving to please God but in actuality I was just mindlessly checking off a "good Christian stuff to do" list under my own power.  YIKES!

This is what I read today from the book I've been reading: (Parts Paraphrased)
     I can enter the Room of Grace only when I humbly acknowledge that I need to trust God and                                       others with myself and give up my striving to be godly.

&

Grace brings us adoption into God's family, a new identity, a new life, new power, new capacity & God's full protection - with absolutely no strings attached!

Tonight I feel spiritually light. I actually wrote 3 or 4 pages of notes that are equally as awesome as the two I shared. I feel comfortable and refreshed. I think for the first time perhaps, I feel actually close to God instead of theoretically close or just wowed by something I've read. It's a nice feeling that I look forward to experiencing more of.

On Tests

Did you know that God is pretty funny? I've wondered recently when my new-found way to live my faith would be tested. Answer: tonight.

I was reading earlier about authenticity and trust. All through this book I'm reading it talks about loving people right where they are. It's like all my life I've been searching for round holes people and all I've found is people who are square pegs. SO FEW people have fit into my life. I needed people who were "like me" because that has felt to me something like safety.

WELL.... tonight I went to a Bible study with a bunch of square pegs people. And, it was OK. I realized I will have to be very careful because my inclination is perhaps to judge or to back away. There were lots of red danger flags that were waving wildly in my head. I will definitely use some energy working through whether or not the red flags actually mean "danger" or something more like "not like me" or "what used to be unsafe".

The truth is that God has been very specific with me on a couple of points. I'm TICKLED that the square pegs invited me. I'm certain that one of the pegs didn't have any idea what to do with me. She's the very peg DRESSED in a red flag. BUT... ya know what. I know God will use this to mature me. I'm actually pretty excited. I'm gonna have to put my money where my mouth is on this one. I just didn't think I would face this particular challenge so early in my rebuilding process.

On What God Dreams for Me

I feel very much on the uphill leg of my big, hairy monster slaying journey. I continue to feel a great amount of resolve. That is encouraging. I wake up daily and remind myself to relax, to stop striving. I'm redefining how I live my faith. So far, so good.

Here's an excerpt from the book I'm reading "TrueFaced - trust God and others with who you really are"

     "God's dreams for you are ultimately not really about you. Oh, don't misunderstand. They'll bring you 

some of the best days of your life; you will be fulfilled beyond any imaginable expectations. But God's dreams take form only when they are about others, for the benefit of others. Loving them. Guiding them. Serving them. Influencing them. Filling their heads with dreams and hope. There are no other types of God dreams. Nothing less or else will compel, attract or seem worthy of this God heart within you..... Think about it - God's dreams for us reflect His heart."

That concept is something I've NEVER heard. It makes, however, perfect sense to me. It has certainly given me a foothold for my uphill climb. It takes a lot of pressure off too. For so long I've felt like a loser for not having this super, well-defined calling like my friends. I'm realizing that what God has for me may be shockingly simple. I love that notion.

This week I've felt like I've been spying on myself. Strange how easy it is to do life without paying much attention. I've been paying extra special close attention to myself for clues that may lead me to who I really am, who God made me. I've made a conscious effort to switch off all striving and automated life choices and just listen for God's cueing. I can name off the top of my head 4 or 5 instances in the past couple of days where I've heard His cueing. It has felt amazing. And.. oddly enough, it's stuff I wouldn't have done or taken seriously previously. I think that's a good sign.

On Validation From Strange Places

Last week my youngest asked me why I wanted to be a foster parent. It struck me as an odd question. It seemed odd because I was her foster parent before I was her adoptive Mom. So, she was essentially asking what lead to her being mine. She's a thinker like me. Even with knowing that about her, the question caught me off-guard.

Whenever I've considered my goals for life through the years, there's one "goal" I've counted but never admitted. It has to do with my legacy. I've never actually crafted the text of it. The reason for that is mostly fear. You could say it's both my biggest fear and biggest secret. It's this: I'm afraid of turning out like my biological parents. I'll go on to say it's probably the saddest thing about my life. Aren't our parents supposed to be our role models and heroes? 

There are things my parents did right. They emphasized the importance of getting a quality education. They taught me responsibility. We ate meals together and went on great vacations together. Everything wasn't bad. Unfortunately, though, it's the things they did wrong that have impacted my life the most. I really hate that. Without completely airing our familial dirty laundry, I'll just say they epicly failed at healthy relationships. I was jettisoned from the fold feeling worthless and unloved. That is what I'm afraid of re-creating. It's a pattern I've planned all along to miss.  I just wish there were solid guarantees. When I open my mouth and my Mother comes out I cringe. When I choose my easy chair with a book over a bike ride with a kid I cringe. It was a whole lot easier to feel positive about that goal when I had no children.

Several times lately my little one has said that she plans to adopt from foster care when she gets older. I've not known what to do with that. It's her experience. Of course, she would want to repeat it. The more she brings it up, though, I realize it's more than that. When we were talking last week I realized she wants to be like me.... and I smiled. 

The girls and I were in 7-11 on thursday and the lady at the register was marveling about how much the 3 of us look alike. The oldest just rolled her eyes and questioned why. We really do hear that all the time. The lady went on and on about how the apples didn't fall far from the tree, etc. I told her they are adopted and she about dropped her teeth. It was pretty funny. As we were leaving I asked them if they minded that I tell people sometimes that they are adopted. They said no. I told them I do that because I think our family is pretty cool. I wish I had a picture of the little one's face. It looked a lot like validation.

On Richness

I am prone to much frustration over how busy life is. Oh how I hate the need to calendar every second of our lives. I am a slave to the calendar. I try my best to see it as a good thing, but really struggle on that point. Where I struggle the most is carving out time for family.

I am a huge proponent of living someplace other than where you were born. I feel like we live in a big world. Everyone should have the opportunity to experience other places for at least part of life. If you prefer where you were born after you've lived a few places, fine. Go back and be happy. The flip-side, however, of what I believe is a really great idea is the source of my biggest frustration. I have lived in three different states. I have family spread across all three. And.... none of those family live in the town where I currently reside. That is MONDO annoying. It means that time with those I love dearly requires calendering. We can't do impromptu.

Well..... the planets aligned or something and I was able this weekend to spend almost 48 whole hours at the place I call "home". It's the home of my non-biological parents. God loved me enough 19 years ago to graft me into their family. Though not legally adopted, I became one of them. That family placement has afforded me MUCH healing, much love, much laughter, etc. I really felt like I needed to "check in" with my parents concerning this new big, hairy monster-slaying journey of mine. The trip even included one-on-one chat time with my Dad which was awesome. He's a bit of a rock-star for Christ kind of a guy and time with him can be difficult to attain. I'm super proud of who he is and am happy to share, but I really enjoy my time with him.

Every time I'm at my parent's house I feel super safe. I struggle to not become one with the couch in my favorite room. I sleep like the dead with no worries in the world. I don't feel the need when I'm there to pretend to be anyone other than myself. They fell in love with the real me years ago when I was too broken to pretend to be anyone else. Leaving is always hard. I was considering the reasons for that yesterday on the drive home. The biggest reason why it's hard to leave is because of the safety I feel there. I love not having to pretend. Admittedly, there are things they don't know about my life. But, I have assurance that they could handle any and all of the ugly truth that is me.

After hearing about what God is doing in my life these days, my parents hooked me up with a resource called TrueFaced while I was there. I experienced the first chapter this afternoon and I'm still "chewing". I will say, this journey sure is going to be interesting! I have been a mask wearer perhaps forever. I have absolutely been striving to please God and everyone else, for that matter.

Here's the thing I've been thinking this afternoon: I've been able to trust fallible people and receive love from them with knowledge that they can handle my imperfections, but have refused to trust God whose love and understanding far surpasses what any human can offer.         How cracked is that!? God offers a richness of love, a richness of grace, a richness of understanding because He made me to be me. HE KNOWS already who I am and that's who He wants me to be.   Duh!.... right?

Dip Stick, You Say?

I am a thinker. I like to roll things around in my head, take them apart, and put them back together again. I think a lot of things absolutely to pieces. My friend uses the term "paralysis of analysis". I totally get that. I can think things round and round in circles and get myself completely lost up in my head. When the stakes are high that process can lead to complete mental exhaustion. It's kind of like a car that's low on oil or the oil is too old. That problem can completely seize up the motor. Yep.

So I'm on this journey to slay the big, hairy monster.... and I feel like I've been at this place before. It's the place where God tells me something that requires action on my part. I get all excited. My brain wheels get to spinnin'. I share it with others. Then BLAMMO!!... my motor seizes up... and I walk away unchanged.

I was thinking about that today. I was actually praying about that. I DO NOT want to seize up on this one. This can be no mountain-top experience. I have serious work to do. I am just afraid of messing it up. I have taken measures to assure this doesn't happen.

Here's part of my plan:

1) Take it slow. I am one to one to get to the root of something and I push, push, push and get tired out quick. Honestly, I feel like I miss a whole lot when I rush it like that.

2) Do something wild and crazy like let my heart have a say. My whole life has been lived in my head. It's time I let my heart have a part in things. Maybe then the result will be more meaningful instead of a finely analyzed and laid out spreadsheet from my head space.

And...

3) Check my spiritual "dip stick" daily. Make sure my processing of all of this runs smoothly by freshly lubricating my brain wheels with scripture daily. (Odd analogy, right?)

The plan sounds like a winner.

On Big, Hairy Monster Guts

Upon further consideration, I realized that the monster has done more than stalk my unconscious. He had stealthily overtaken how I see most everything. He had become the lens through which I see the world as it pertains to me. I sat there the other day shaken to the core with tears in my eyes. I realized I needed to hatch a plan to slay the monster.

Armed, for the first time, with the name of the monster, I feel like I have a starting place on the journey to slaying Him.

With a quickness... I realized where the affects of the monster are felt most in my life. "What I believe about myself" is a battleground I believe he conquered a long, long time ago. For years I have walked through life with "me defined". I believed I knew myself well. I think that's why all of this has been such a shock to my system. For years I've explained away things that didn't make sense or felt wrong as "just who God made me". The very sad and unfortunate part is I was wrong. Those things that I never could explain were who the monster made me....not God.

I've been studying this week about who God says I am. Here's the song that has been stuck in my head ( it has big, hairy monster guts all over it!):

Hello, My Name Is

I find it supremely scary that I could be so off-base in my understanding of myself. I'm so excited about exploring the other side of the equation. It has seemed forever like the things I find myself passionate about aren't in keeping with who I am or my personality. Now that I'm realizing I was hijacked all that time, I feel like I can explore with fresh eyes those things that I had considered crazy thoughts before.

On Being Rewarded

My children often comment while we're in route from A to B that they would be road raging on this person or that person for this, that, or the other thing. Those comments always elicit the same sermon from me about growing patience and character, etc. (See another favorite verse)

Romans 5:3-4

New International Version (NIV)

3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Sufferings in this instance = slow and otherwise annoying drivers. Perhaps I've taken this out of context, but I don't think so.

I've often wondered why, at times, I can be quite patient and at other times I act like a crazy woman over having to wait 2 seconds for someone to move so I can get to the spot I want at the counter-top.

Last week I found myself feeling stood up by a friend. (again with the friend stories... I'm. Not. Sorry) Anyway, for some reason I felt rooted to the spot. I was out in the community and didn't feel like I should leave. It was a pretty crazy feeling. I waited for a solid hour. I felt like an idiot. Who waits an hour? Usually, not me.

Here's what I learned..... be sensitive to the Spirit. I chose to listen to the nudging to stay put. Ya know what happened? My friend showed up. We had a wonderful conversation. God blessed my socks off. I got rewarded right then and there.

How many times have I refused to listen and missed out on blessing? I fear there have been too many. My poor friend felt terrible. Messing up her schedule is completely 100% out of character. My take on it is what happened was all God. He needed to make a point. I didn't miss it.

On Eventual Lightness

Yesterday I spoke of the big, hairy creature that stalks my unconscious; my biggest life pain. I want to attempt to talk about that without absolutely bearing my inner soul to the blogiverse.

Throughout my Christian walk I've struggled with the idea that I'm one of those Christians who grew up in church. I hear other believers talk about the freedom they got from this thing and that thing. I've always kind of scratched my head on that point for me. I always wondered what it was I was supposed to be free from. I have no addictions or vices outside what is commonplace (like playing Candy Crush or eating junk food). I'm a law abiding citizen.

Everyone has a story. Because I've lived my life, I don't see the things I've walked through as necessarily tough. I've heard many, many stories that are chock-full of way more trauma than I can claim. I praise God that I can say that. I am so grateful daily that He has spared me so much pain in life. I was reminded, however, the other day when I was sharing some highlights of my life with my new friend that I have an authentic claim to some serious dysfunction.

For so long I've taken the high road when it comes to dealing with my upbringing. I chose not to fall victim to some unhealthy family patterns. I absolutely feel that Christ has protected me from those unhealthy things. Again, I praise God daily for that. When I turned over that boulder the other day, though and saw the big, hairy creature I realized something. I realized that my biggest life hurt I've purposefully continued to stuff deep, deep down and I am in bondage to it. I uncovered a serious lack of freedom on my part. It was a crazy realization. I realized that all of my striving for perfection was my coping mechanism to keep the creature stuffed down. Perfection will keep him caged.

Here's the problem..... in order to stand under grace I need to stop striving. I need to release some of my controlling iron grip on how life goes. I think maybe that's why I was able to identify the creature the other day. I've known about him for a very long time but I've never been able to see him clearly for what he is or call his name. Even thinking about what it will take to slay him drops me to my knees and makes me want to cry. (Like actual tears come to my eyes)

The good news is..... Prov. 18:10 - The name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run into it and they are safe. From this too I am safe. The bugger of it all is that I will have to do the work. Yuk! The other good news is that when God walks me through this and the last of the burden is lifted I may well float from place to place because of how light I feel without that burden.

My Roots Are Showing

You may tire of hearing how conversations I've had with people were enlightening to me. To that I say: Deal with it.

I met a new friend last week. I was sharing with her about how I believe we are built for relationships. I believe that's where "Kingdom work" is accomplished. Our world feeds us a steady diet of busy, etc. It's super easy to not bother making connections with people. My belief is that we rob ourselves and rob others of God's healing by closing ourselves off from others.

My friend and I were sharing our lives with one another and quickly discovered a common need we have for feeling safe.

The last several months I've had a new favorite Bible verse:

Proverbs 18:10

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower;
The righteous runs into it and is safe.

If you know me, you know I'm not an overly emotional person (or really emotional at all). I can't tell you the number of times in the past few weeks I have teared up when remembering that verse.

At the Beth Moore conference she shared about standing on grace. She described that further as standing in Christ/on the name of the Lord.  When she said that, Prov. 18:10 came to mind immediately. I'm stubborn (go ahead, chuckle if you know me). I am forever grateful that God doesn't wash His hands of me. Anyway, He started talking to me then about the roots of my safety issue.

In the continuing effort of trying to process what I heard that weekend, the issue of safety has come up. As I said before, I'm good at legalism. I know what that looks like. I find comfort in "following the law". I've been standing on "Good Girl". I'm proud of that. Striving for perfection has provided me with what felt to me like safety. As I'm getting used to my new lens of grace, and I'm seeing things more clearly, I'm realizing that all of that is a sham. Pastor Guy was talking this week about life's purpose. I realized I've been really off base at times in this. He used a similar verse but I'm feeling this one:

Ecclesiastes 2:11

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

11 When I considered all that I had accomplished and what I had labored to achieve, I found everything to be futile and a pursuit of the wind. There was nothing to be gained under the sun.

All of my striving for perfection is "pursuit of the wind". How sad it is for me to have to admit my folly. I think though, in admitting it I can stand in that truth and move forward in the right.

I was up in my head the other day turning over rocks as I was considering more carefully my need for safety and had a big realization . I turned over a boulder and was shocked to discover my biggest life pain hiding there. It is a big hairy creature that stalks my unconscious. Very few times have I admitted it's existence to myself. I have never shared it with another human. Though scary, for the first time I recognized it's tie to my need for safety.

I am ever aware of God's hand on my life and His constant drawing of my heart to Him. I will continue to follow, see where it leads me, and report back.