Welcome Inside My Head Part 1

As I mentioned before, I've been sick (11 days today). For whatever reason when I'm sick I tend to be more contemplative than usual. I've been mulling over something.

I don't know if you remember my post last week about shuffling my music and the ability to figure me out by listening to my iPod. Anyway... that was kinda the genesis of this particular thought process. Then a few days ago I saw a picture that really portrayed perfectly what I've been mulling.

I've made a determination about me. I don't know if it's positive or negative. I also don't know if it's how everyone is or if it's just me. It's this: I don't generally relate to people from the depths of me. I tend to camp out relationally in a rather superficial place. The people closest to me are really the only exceptions.

My very favorite book/story of all time is called "The Wall". I recognized myself instantly when I heard the story for the first time. It talks about a girl who at some point for protection started building a wall around herself. After a while she realized that she had completely isolated herself. She was miserable and decided to tear down the wall. The story talks about the process and the things she learned. It's an awesome story. I've read it over and over again. I've read it to several others and we've had amazing discussions.

I tend to be a wall builder. There are two predominant reasons for this truth about me. The chief reason is fear. I'm afraid people won't like me if they knew what I'm really like. I happen to be fond of the real me, but I don't generally let others see that person. The second reason has to do with how people as a whole relate to each other. It goes back to the notion that people ask the question "How are you?" fully expecting the answer to be "fine". They don't really want to know. That whole notion causes me to distrust. It makes me very shy of conversation. I don't really prefer superficiality. Most of the time, though, I feel like it's the only option.