Time To Blink

So...... it's that time of year again. It's time to blink.
All of our family birthdays (except one in September) and holidays fall in the same two months.
Nov. 10 - Aliera's day
Nov. 21 - My day
Thanksgiving
Dec. 10 - Hubby Guy's day
Christmas
New Years/Our wedding anniversary

I am also a gymnastics coach. This year I changed schools and took a head coaching position. Gymnastics season runs from today until mid February. We practice every day and have meets most weekends.

All of that rolls together to make life a bit crazy. I fully expect to wake up tomorrow and it'll be mid February. Every year is like that. I blink and it's over.

Rotten Leaves Inspire Me... and other stuff too

I was speaking today about what a blog-slacker I am. Honestly, most of my blogging happens when the leaves change. I LOVE the sound, smell, etc. of foliage death.  I know that's crazy, but it is what it is.

Last week I was messaged by a mom who brought her kids this summer to VBS at the church I attend. I remembered her because she has 5 absolutely beautiful children. In fact, the whole family looks like something from a magazine. Anyway, this almost complete stranger invited me to her house for a birthday surpise for a friend we have in common.

If you know me at all, you know I'm pretty shy and would rather tear my fingernails out than go someplace with complete strangers for a meal.

I went.

It was AWESOME!!!!

During the meal, awesome-hostess-lady asked birthday-girl this question. "If God showed up right now and asked what she would want from Him for her birthday this year what would it be?" The answer had to be something for her. That definitely throws a wrench in that question. I could think of several things instantly for my friends and family but was stumped about myself.

On the way home I had my answer.  - To operate with authenticity -   Awesome-hostess-lady was sharing about something she and her Hubby Guy feel God is asking them to do that is scary. It's a God sized thing that is AWESOME but SCARY for several reasons. I was mulling that situation over on my way home when I came up with my answer.  Her situation doesn't really relate directly to authenticity. I was thinking though about how cool it was that she opened her home to almost complete strangers today and was just herself. I consider that being authentic for Christ. Too few people do stuff like she did today. My socks were blessed off and I wasn't even the guest of honor. I enjoyed real honest fellowship the way Jesus intended it. That is the way life should be.

I was a good day.

Oopsie.... I Went Dark

I don't know why I abandoned blogland. Actually, I do but it's lame.
So, anyway.... Hi October :)

The summer was cool. School has begun. The girls are 13 and almost 9. Eeeeek! is all I have to say about the 13 year old. Teenagerness has been ok so far. I remain amazed at God and the answers/responses that come flying out of heaven at just the perfect time. I also remain amazed that she's still talking to Hubby Guy and myself  given if you ask her she'll tell you "they are just so mean!".

The young one has aged nicely. I noticed when I took school pictures recently that she has crossed over from cute little girl to positively gorgeous person. That scares me badly. She has been a handful and will continue to be for the rest of her life. Um.... where are the homely children that I ordered. That sounds horrible but I'm serious. Somewhere in my thinking about children I forgot to consider that more than likely they wouldn't be like me. I was ugly, homely, and smart. These girls are gorgeous and gregarious so I can't just call on my own experience. I have to try to see things through their lenses.

I'm a Goomba!!!

If you REALLY know me, you know that I am a complete GOOMBA!!! **Goomba is the Stef word for goofball**  The reality of my situation is that most people don't REALLY know me. (Eg. Most of the world isn't fortunate enough to have heard our rabbit rap his personal themesong.)

Yesterday I shared with you about my "realms". Well I woke up today not feeling much like adhering to my work persona....so I didn't. I think I scared some people. It was nice for once to just be me without caring so much about workplace social mores.

My Messed Up Realms

I confess.... I compartmentalize my life.

Work exists in it's own realm.

Home, family, church, etc. exist in their own realms.

Work and my other realms generally have nothing to do with one another.....with one exception.

My boss at work is someone I go to church with too. I consider her a friend outside of work. At work she's the boss that I really respect and like working with.

This week my boss got a promotion. She deserves it. She's gonna be AWESOME at the new job. I'm happy for my FRIEND. I'm struggling, though, because I'm selfishly unhappy about losing my BOSS. For whatever reason I feel somewhat betrayed. I don't think that's very fair that I feel that. I do, though. I would imagine that the majority of that feeling is just because of trying to process the change. I feel like I'm grieving. I haven't cried but I've felt like it. I've definitely been angry. I don't know what's after anger. I'm not really mad anymore.

The truth is that I'm not unhappy with my replacement boss. She's cool too. We get along great. We understand one another and communicate easy. In some ways she'll be easier to work with. I'm just a big spoiled baby that likes things the way they were.

I think the heart of my unrest lies in the notion that I will lose my friend. Her new post puts her in that elite category that can't really socialize with such commoners as myself. I get it. I just hate social stratification based on job status. She would never intentionally make anyone feel "beneath her". Unfortunately, that's an unpleasant side effect of "professional distance".

I find myself in an awkward place.

From The EL Part III

For a long time in life I felt very much like an island. I only had very flimsy ties to family. I had no really close friends that were close enough to provide comfort and companionship. I struggled constantly with feeling unloved.

The third excerpt I have reminded me very much of how I feel about God.

This excerpt is also from Charles Martin's book The Mountain Between Us.

     "That's when I knew. When I knew for the first time what love was. Not what it felt like. Not how it made me feel. Not what I hoped it was. But what it was. And what it was when I didn't get in the way.
     You showed me. It'd been there all along, ....... I'd lived my whole life wanting to love but never able to do so apart from the pain I'd carried. The pain of my dad. Of my mom's absence. Of running but never being fast enough. Of never measuring up.
     But there...that night...that moment, it was the first time I'd ever been cut free. When I took a breath deep enough to fill me. All of my life , I'd struggled in the waves, tossed, turned, thrown about like a rag doll, forever trying to surface, screaming for air, but somewhere some unseen hand held me beneath the foam and froth. But in that moment, you held back the waves, lifted me above the surface, and filled me."

We serve an awesome God!
    

From The EL Part II

The next excerpt I have is from Charles Martin's book The Mountain Between Us.

     "For so long I'd carried the pieces of me. Every now and then I'd drop one like a bread crumb. So I could find my way home.........
     Maybe each of us was once a complete whole. A clear picture. A single piece. Then something happened to crack and shatter us. Leaving us disconnected, torn and splintered. Some of us lie in a hundred pieces. Some ten thousand. Some are edged with sharp contrast. Some dim shades of gray. Some find they are missing pieces. Some find they have too many. In any case we are left shaking our heads. It can't be done.
     Then someone comes along who mends a tattered edge, or returns a lost piece. The process is tedious, painful, and there are no short cuts. Anything that promises to be one is not. 
     But somehow, as we walk from the crash site - away from the wreckage - whole sections start taking shape, something vague we see out of the corner of our eye. For a second, we stop shaking our heads. We wonder. Maybe...just maybe.
     It's risky for both of us. You must hope in an image you can't see, and I must trust you with me.
     That's the piecing."

I don't know about you, but I can name one after another the events that shattered me. In my 20's I began the "piecing" process. I believe these words accurately depict the progression of life with other people as a whole. Life this side of heaven is a delicate dance. I don't think the question is "Why is there pain and brokenness in the world?". I think the question is "How do we pick up the pieces?". I can honestly say that without Christ I never would have bothered. It really breaks my heart when I realize how many people don't bother.

From The EL

I've done a bunch of Bible studies by Beth Moore. In one of them she takes time out to talk about and define the word resonate. She even set down at the piano and gave a really spectacular example.

I metioned before that I've been reading while elliptifying. I'm in love with the author Charles Martin. I'm on my 3rd book of his.  I tend to prefer female writers. The guy prespective and thought process is usually too cut and dried. I like some meat to the stories I read. This guy writes with more emotion that most of the women authors I've read. In the last few days I've read several things that have truly resonated with me for several different reasons. I've decided I should share.

The first excerpt is from a book titled The Dead Don't Dance. It struck me because it completely describes how I am.  Here it is:

"I like to get comfortable with an idea before I take it on. Give me time to ruminate, and I can face most anything, but don't allow me an experience, and then with the sweat still rolling off my face, ask me to interpret it for you. I don't know what to think until I've had time to look in my rearview mirror."

I can think of several instances throughout life where that little nugget of my personality has proven problematic. Somehow I tend to hang with people who are quick processors. I'm just not. When I make a decision or have an opionion it's because I've done my research and had time to think on it. When I'm forced to speak before I'm ready, bad things happen. Oh the words I've eaten and wish I could eat.

Combining the Good and the Gooder

I've blogged before about my struggle with body image. Well, I'm actually working hard on that problem and currently am in a pretty decent place. I'm excited about that. What's interesting is the phenomenon that has brought about the change in my physique.

For the last three months I have been being a "good girl" **most of the time** with regard to intake. My sweet, sweet Hubby Guy also allowed me to purchase an elliptical machine. I made a home for it in my basement in a spot where there's plenty of natural light. Hubby Guy even painted that corner of the basement to make it feel happy and clean. The basement walls were kinda bland and dirty looking before. The elliptical has a really cool sound system. I can just plug my ipod into it and it cranks out my tunes nice and loud. For the first couple of weeks I jammed and elliptified myself. It was awesome. I even found a really awesome new classical composer and elliptified to classical music.

Well.... the change of seasons ** and good classical music** always makes me want to read lots of books . On the first warm day I reported to the hammock on the back porch **my assigned seat** to start a book. I eventually lost light and I wasn't ready to stop reading. It was then that I had the most genious idea EVER! I've been a bit obsessed with getting in my workout, etc. I decided it would be an ok idea to go down to the elliptical and elliptify and read at the same time. I figured why not combine something good (exercise) with something gooder (reading). SO... I've been reading and elliptifying for about 2 hours a day. The other day I did almost three. ** crazy, I know** The truth is that I would be reading anyway. Why not do both at the same time?

I'm Just Evil I Think....

SO yesterday we went to Charlottesville to get our youngest (in the words of my hubby guy) " A check-up from the neck up". We went to a well known child psychologist who specializes in the care of foster and adoptive children. He uses a very different approach to intervention. His evaluation process involves the child and the parents.

SO I had to subject myself to the meddlesome questions of he and his team. I gotta tell you, it was THE WIERDEST thing. I did not enjoy it. BUT... I had great fun watching the interviewer try not to act shocked when I shared stories from my childhood. He asked. I was truthful. I didn't see any point in lying to the man. At one point I decided that I must just be evil. I took too much pleasure in shocking the guy. It was SO easy to do given the questions he asked.

The good news of the day is that the preliminary results of the eval show that according to him she is very healthy given her past. He also is of the opinion that her recent acting out is a function of particular stressors. He was really excited and is certain that intervention will be most helpful is solving the behavior problems that she is having and that she will not be a prisoner of her impulses forever.

So, Yay!  Once all this intervention stuff gets rolling I can have friends again that also have children.

WOW!!! I've been a slacker..

     Well, really I haven't been a slacker. I've just been busy with gymnastics season. That runs from November until mid-February...now. We should be done this saturday unless the planets align and someone makes the state championships. Part of me would love that very much, but the rest of me misses having a life and just wants the season to be over. One of my buddies walked into church yesterday and saw me and said "I shouldn't say it, I know, but we should get together." Gymnastics really puts a hit on my available girly time.

     Another reason why I've been a slacker is because life has been rather heavy. I haven't said much about our adoption in a long time. I don't know how I compare to others that have adopted but I tend to share only the pretty and sweet parts of life with adopted kids. As with most things there is a flip side. I can honestly say I've cried longer and harder in the last 3 months than maybe in my entire life. The truth of the situation is that God knows and is in control. The negative of the situation is that I am human and what we are walking through is harder than anything I've ever walked through. The strength required is Divine strength. It's comforting knowing that God has our family in His hands. It's hard, though, to suppress the human side that wants to handle it myself (as if that were possible). We are being proactive but I feel somewhat helpless. There aren't words to adequately describe the darkness I feel we're battling. I feel angry and sad and it hasn't left me with much levity lately.

I Used To Wonder...

 I've watched countless old people shuffle from place to place. I always wondered why they don't just pick up their feet. Shuffling one's feet is dangerous and it isn't how we're meant to walk.

I turned 38 a few weeks ago. Are you wondering what in the world that has to do with shuffley old people? Well, I'll just tell ya.

My body hurts. When I turned 35 I could tell a difference. 38 has been life altering. I've been pert'near (if you don't know what that means consult a redneck) crippled since it got cold outside. My joints ache all the time.

Well.....just to make my new year fun and exciting, I slipped going down the stairs in my home yesterday afternoon and have injured my shoulder. Just what I needed.

This morning I'm feeling some solidarity between me and the aged counterparts I've studied all these years. I've decided that perhaps shuffling really is safer.