Really? Skee Ball?

Having foster to adopt children is a weird thing in a number of ways. Family dynamics is particularly odd. We have maintained a tie to both sides of their bio family. Pretty regularly I take my girls to visit people that they know from a part of their lives I wasn't a part of. It's cool because it's healthy for them. It's weird because I don't fit in. I always feel like I'm eavesdropping. They're just people. They're also people grateful to see the girls. It just feels odd for me. I really am painfully shy. New environments are very difficult for me. These people must think I'm such a snot. I hate that, but it is what it is.

I went a new place tonight. We went to their maternal aunt's in-law's house. They were really sweet and the kids had a blast. They live out in no man's land in an ancient tiny house with dead things mounted all over the walls. I spent most of the night staring back at a raccoon that was staring at me from the top of the entertainment center. Just above me was a mink. He didn't look happy. Behind me were 4 deer heads, one shot by each family member (Including the mother). Isn't that special? :) The people were wonderful, dinner was great, but I felt like city mouse gone to the country.

We've all been kinda crammed into each other's lives. Sometimes I feel like I'm part of a really sick psychological experiment. I feel like tapping on the one way glass. I haven't decided yet what I would say to the people watching all this unfold.

If you've ever played Skee Ball I'm sure you'll understand this analogy. When you first put your money into the machine there's a loud click and all the balls come rumbling down the chute. I feel like each chapter of this odd drama I'm living starts just like a game of Skee Ball. We get news, meet someone new, hear a different traumatic story from one of the girls, etc. I hear a loud click and another chapter rumbles down the chute. I don't know about you, but I've never been able to walk away with balls still in the chute. I have to play it out. This process is like that. So many people have said to me that they don't know how we do it. It's simple really. We roll one ball at a time. Sometimes we collect little orange tickets in heaven and sometimes we roll a zero. We continue to play though because that's what we signed up for when we walked up to the machine.

Caffeine!!!!

So on my way home from the concert I decided I required a Pibb Extra and some powdered donuts. DUH! So now it's midnight and I'm buzzin'. Scott is fixin' to watch this guy that's kinda crazy and talks about the stock market. I usually can't stand it but right now I can probably hang in there with him. I call him Gilbert because his voice reminds me of Gilbert Gottfried. He's really annoying and he's talking about stuff I don't understand.

I enjoyed the concert. I ended up not really people watching. The arena where we were doesn't really lend itself to much people watching so I just watched the people on the stage. (Like normal people do)

I knew Casting Crowns before they were famous. It was really surreal to see them as "famous people". They don't seem any different. I would like to think that if I became famous I would remain true to me and still remember the little people. They still knew my name. That was really cool. I was hoping they would remember me but wasn't expecting them to so my feelings wouldn't be hurt.

Somethin' Different

So, contrary to my usual, I'm going to a concert tonight. I'm taking my oldest to a Casting Crowns concert. I happen to like Casting Crowns very much. Once upon a time we all went to church together. I gave up concerts years ago because they are expensive and loud and had more fun watching people than I did listening to really loud music. I don't believe it's necessary to pass along this particular weirdness to my kid. I don't mind paying the price to support Casting Crowns either because in a small way they feel like family. She is so excited. I'm excited for her. It'll be fun to experience this with her.

Foster Pregnancy

Yesterday did not end the way I had planned. I knew it would be a bad day but I truly had no idea. The girls bio mom changed her mind after the goodbye visit. Now it's back to a trial to terminate her rights. Fortunately the trial date is already set and hasn't changed because of what she did last week. It just makes the situation sadder. She doesn't even love them enough to do what's right for them. She's a very selfish person. Don't think I'm a monster for saying these things. The story is horrible and I'm not gonna repeat it here. You'll just have to trust me on that.

I woke up this morning sick to my stomach. On many occasions I've likened this experience to being pregnant. My body isn't being stretched but I do on occasion suffer physiologically. This is one of those times. I've been "pregnant" now for 15 months and STILL I'm not guaranteed a child. Until yesterday I had a "due date". Now that's been prolonged. There is still hope for November but I'm not gonna hold my breath.

In the shower this morning I was reminded of an old camp song "Put your hand in the fan and you will lose a finger, put your foot in the fan and you will lose a toe, put your face in the fan and you will look at others differently, out your body in the fan and it'll change your anatomy." It needs another verse along the lines of emotions or family. That's what I feel right now about foster care. It feels more like a blender instead of a fan. I feel like I've been beaten and left for dead.

Laughter

I just silently laughed so hard I almost hurt myself. I did, however, manage to stifle all guffaws such that my coworkers didn't know I was up to mischief. I was reading a blog that squarely goes into the category "Darn Funny". I will definitely go back later when I can "hoot" out loud such that I don't blow a gasket.

Today is the last visit with our kids bio-mom. I can't wait until tomorrow when the nightmare is over. It promises to be difficult. We get the great honor or meeting with her first so she can beg us to let her to continue to see her children. I've sworn to silence and Scott has taken the speaking role. That is definitely for the best. Hopefully she won't push to the point where he has to tell her how we really feel.

This journey has been difficult. It's very hard to want two opposing things. In my heart I really wanted my girls' mom to get her life straight and fight for her children. I knew all along that if she did that I would lose my children. She didn't and they're gonna be mine forever. I should be grateful but right now I'm angry for them. I've livid that she didn't fight for her children. That will go with them forever. We can offer those girls so much more than she ever could, but they love their mom and one of these days it's gonna sink it that she didn't love them enough to do anything to get them back. It stings now, but it's really gonna sting when they are old enough to fully understand it.

I laughed hard this morning. I hope it's enough to counteract what I'll feel this afternoon.

Depraved Society

I heard the most depraved thing this morning on the radio. They were talking about a website where you can go and sign up for it to say prayers for you. It basically provides an opportunity to outsource your responsibility to pray. It made me really mad and sad at the same time. That's such a giant red waving flag about how many lost and really confused people there are right here in America.

Two things come to mind:

Goose & Hailstorm

Stuck In My Head

I read so much stuff. I really appreciate clever things people say. I think sometimes I'm geniously clever in my head. I want so much to write it down and make something out of it. When I do manage to put something on paper it becomes something a lot like trying to make a human out of Playdoh. It loses almost everything in translation. It's always such a train wreck. Nevertheless, I continue to make an effort.