On Friday I was wildly happy. I was happy all day. I was so happy that others were entertained by how happy I was.
Today I'm angry. I'm so angry that I feel bad all over like I'm sick. My heart hurts.
In September I restarted life. I started living life from a place of freedom. It has been grand. BUT, the hardest part for me has been learning how to feel stuff. I'm a person who for my entire life has lived on emotional lockdown. It's much safer to simply be numb. That way things don't get to you.
I have enjoyed these months of learning to loosen up. I've enjoyed my senses being awakened. I'm just more accustomed to staying very "together". Experiencing a range of emotions makes life less predictable. I don't think I care for the ebb and flow of it.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Friday, December 13, 2013
On What Makes Me Happy
I've been asked this question more than once: What makes you happy? I've never had a real answer. My first thought usually is puppy breath, kittens, Chef Boyardee Ravioli, green Super Bubble, and animals in general (especially baby ones). I've never been proud of that answer. Those are all things that I like very much, but they are all superficial.
Today I'm happy...actually happy....spring in my step happy. Earlier I was pondering why. I've come up with a deeper answer to the happiness question. It's this...Seeing evidence that hard work and patience on my part hasn't been in vain makes me extremely happy. Unfortunately, this type of happiness, by it's very nature, is hard to come by. It's hard fought. I consider myself a pretty patient person. Honestly, though, I struggle while waiting. I second guess myself. I wonder, sometimes, if I've made the right choices. When in the midst of all of that second guessing, I forget regularly that there may actually be light on the other side.... that I could be headed for some serious lasting happiness. It has occurred to me that too often I accept superficial, instant gratification type things as happiness. I've been guilty of wondering about what's reasonable to expect from life. I've not ever expected much happiness. I guess that's why I have settled for the superficial. I'm not sure I've ever felt deserving of anything more than brief, surface happiness.
Today I'm happy...actually happy....spring in my step happy. Earlier I was pondering why. I've come up with a deeper answer to the happiness question. It's this...Seeing evidence that hard work and patience on my part hasn't been in vain makes me extremely happy. Unfortunately, this type of happiness, by it's very nature, is hard to come by. It's hard fought. I consider myself a pretty patient person. Honestly, though, I struggle while waiting. I second guess myself. I wonder, sometimes, if I've made the right choices. When in the midst of all of that second guessing, I forget regularly that there may actually be light on the other side.... that I could be headed for some serious lasting happiness. It has occurred to me that too often I accept superficial, instant gratification type things as happiness. I've been guilty of wondering about what's reasonable to expect from life. I've not ever expected much happiness. I guess that's why I have settled for the superficial. I'm not sure I've ever felt deserving of anything more than brief, surface happiness.
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