On Sunday our Pastor Guy issued a challenge to find someone who doesn't feel loved and love on them. At lunch my daughter asked if I felt loved. I dismissed the question and chalked it up to her being silly. Teenagers often refuse to see past their longest finger. I figured she was going with the lazy solution to the challenge and not seeking outside of her own family. The trouble is, the question hasn't left me.
Since my daughter asked the question, I've been considering my truthful answer. The truth is that more often than not, I don't feel loved. I feel used... especially by my children. I'm saddened by that. I've been thinking too about what exactly makes me feel loved. I know my "love language" is quality time. But beyond that.... what behaviors, words, etc. make me feel authentically loved and in what ways do I show that same kind of love to others. It's something that is going to take me some time to adequately answer. I'm not sure I know at all.
Every Sunday at church I seek out a particular friend. I seek her out to simultaneously give and receive a long, meaningful hug. For me that hug is a tether. It's a tether to the truth that I am loved. It's a weekly reminder from another human being that I am valued. It's so easy for me to lose that truth. It slips between the runs in the fabric of me that are caused by the sharpness of life. It's no wonder that I struggle to know what exactly makes me feel loved when I have such a hard time holding on to the truth that I am loved in the first place.
On Sunday I was talking to my huggable friend and she did the sweetest thing. It took me completely by surprise. As I was standing there talking to her, she brushed several strands of hair off my face and tucked them behind my ear. I have no idea why she did that. I can tell you this, though, in those few seconds I felt very loved. I also felt vulnerable, valuable, and accepted. Who knew such a small gesture could mean so many things to a person? It did though. That was just another piece of the puzzle and has lent valuable information to my quest for answers on the subject of what makes me feel loved.
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