On Learning How to Breathe

This past August our family went to Hawaii. We were there for 10 days. It's a place my Hubby Guy had on his bucket list. While we were there we made sure to do everything that was on any of our "lists" that could take place way, way, way, way out in the Pacific. My top priority was having Hawaiian Shaved Ice IN Hawaii. Simple..yes...but important to me. Don't judge.

Those who know me know that I married THE BEST Hubby Guy for me. He takes such good care of me. We enjoy our time together. We live a somewhat spoiled existence. We've been able to take some nice trips. It has seemed for several journeys now that snorkeling has come up. He has always wanted to go snorkeling. I have always balked at the idea. He also wants me to go whitewater rafting. Of that I am positively terrified. I'm scared of having an out-of-boat experience. Water really isn't my thing. I can manage lounging in a pool or in a boat in easy waters. That is about it.

Well, Hubby Guy decided that he would be snorkeling in Hawaii even if he had to go by himself. My guilt-o-meter couldn't stand that notion so I agreed to go. In fact, the whole family went. I spent literally days psyching myself up. Once we were there I took the lame "First-timers class" on the boat before I jumped in. The adventure started really rough. Firstly, the instructor told us to spray the special sauce into our masks so they wouldn't fog. I didn't have the patience to wait and wade through the people, etc. so I decided to go sans special sauce. Mistake.  Secondly, When I finally was in the water and away from the boat I decided to try the whole "snorkel concept - i.e. breathe with my face underwater."  I couldn't get myself to do it. Every time I stuck my face in the water and tried to breathe I sounded like I was ugly crying and trying to suck in air. It was crazy. I felt very panicky and I felt like every nerve was on end. Eventually the kid in my charge wanted to get back on the boat so we took a break. During the break I renewed my resolve to conquer the "snorkel concept". Before going back into the water I got some special sauce for my mask. I learned my lesson. I got back in the water and guess what.... I relaxed enough to get the hang of it. I was excited.

We ultimately went to a second snorkel site. My poor family had turned green after the first site. They decided to convalesce on the boat and forgo the second adventure. I, armed with my new skill of breathing with my face in the water, decided to go ahead and go alone.  THE COOLEST THING happened!!! I encountered a sea turtle. He swam right up to me.

For the last week I've felt like I did when I was trying to figure out how to breathe with my face in the water. I've felt somewhat panicky. I've been fighting the urge to just "get back on the boat" or, more appropriate for the moment, start rebuilding the castle. The notion of striving feels like part of my DNA. It feels wrong to just relax. I realized today, I need to relax and learn how to breathe. This whole living out of who God says I am is a new concept I'm tackling. Like any other new thing I will need to learn new skills. It's a change. BUT.... really cool stuff is waiting for me to learn the skill.  I'm excited.

On Sunshine and Rainbows

The following is lifted from the Facebook status of a friend (Rebekah W). She is an amazing young woman and what she has to say completely hit the mark for where I find myself at the moment:

 

      I am reminded of a statement that C.S. Lewis made “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”~ C.S. Lewis,  The Weight of Glory

 I forget too easily that I am to "Be still and know He is God" Ps. 41:10 and that I am not made to perform but to bear the image of Almighty God in a manner that accurately reflects His character and nature. Preaching the Gospel to my heart today! Eph.2!

 

 

I've had a chain of several rough days. When it rains it pours. Last night I was with a trusted friend disclosing my thoughts. I've been feeling very "stuck" since Saturday. Though it felt very good to wring out my brain on her couch, I didn't leave there necessarily feeling like I had any more answers than I went there with.

 

This morning, though, while doing my hair, God spoke to my heart. I was reminded of what Rebekah said, "I am not made to perform but to bear the image of Almighty God in a manner that accurately reflects His character and nature."  This is the thought I had: In this life there will be pain. That is a fact. Scripture doesn't offer another option. In my hunt for authenticity, I have neglected something major. My performance-based, castle-dwelling lifestyle calls for perpetual sunshine and rainbows. It calls for me to fake it until I make it. Under my new paradigm, I neglected to plan for times when I hurt, for times when unresolved sin drags me back into the pit. The truth is those things are a part of life too. I'm realizing now, DUH!, that performance and authenticity can't coexist. I feel like I should have saved this post for Halloween because that last sentence to me is SCARY!!!!

 

To deal with pain, struggles, unresolved sin, etc..... I will have to trust God with a trust that feels to me very unnatural. I have to completely ban self-sufficiency.  I'm pretty sure I'm having heart palpitations right now! AND.... I'm gonna have to lay down the pride that has kept me from being appropriately vulnerable.  *Insert scary music*  And the plot thickens. God can handle it. Moreover, He wants to handle it. He wants me to trust Him with all of me.

 

 

Fave verse for today:

 

Deuteronomy 31:6

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

⁶ Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For it is the Lord your God who goes with you; He will not leave you or forsake you.”

On the Benefits of Honesty

A few months ago I ran across Dr. Carmella's Guide to Understanding the Introvert. I found it incredible and 100% accurate. I can't figure out who wrote it, but I love it! Out of the whole thing, though, the picture above has stayed with me.

I've been living in "happy town" for several weeks now. I've been absolutely surrounded by an amazing support system. WELL, this weekend I'm away. Off with a bunch of weird theater people who live in a parallel plane that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I'm isolated. I'm alone with myself. I'm lonely.

My former bubble wasn't healthy. BUT.... in a way, it did protect me. At least that's what I thought. When you keep yourself isolated from people, you hurt, but you don't get hurt by people as much. Being hurt by people is what drove me into the bubble in the first place. I made the conscious choice years ago to close myself off... to let very few in.

Sometimes I waver. I'm really enjoying letting people in. This morning, though, my feelings got hurt. I responded. I responded by isolating myself and drowning my sorrows in fat and calories. I dove right back into that bubble without any thought. I verbally punched the person who hurt me. It was awful. I retreated. Yuck! I didn't like it. It was sadly familiar. I hated it. But then... I recovered. I wallowed for a bit, but then I did something WILD and CRAZY. True story. I climbed out of the bubble, went downstairs, found some of my weird people, and confessed about having a pity party. (Aside - I like to take mental pictures of facial expressions I get from others when I say stuff sometimes - like the validation face I got from my youngest a couple of weeks ago) I got the BEST FACE from one of the "weirds".  She was blown away that a stranger to her had just talked about something so "gut level".  Right after that the strangest thing happened. The three of us, all mothers of high school girls,  were really honest with each other about how our children make us feel sometimes. We had a moment of shared understanding. You know what? That moment was freeing. I realized that the bubble, though it feels safe, actually isolates me. It doesn't protect me, it keeps me locked away from the people or environments that can support me. Moreover, it perpetuates the emotionally dishonest lifestyle that our society embraces. When I was honest with my peers, they were honest with me too and we all benefitted from the conversation. That, my friends, is how it should be. It's how it was designed, before sin with all of it's shame and hiding hijacked what was beautiful and made people start to hide.

On Removing the Dam From My River of Creativity

This weekend I am at the Virginia Theater Association Annual Conference. I have been surrounded all day by "drama people". Several thousand (it seems) of those "drama people" are also teenagers. Interesting.  I have also encountered some odd adults..... older "drama people".  Even more interesting.

All day for the first two days (today and tomorrow), aside from breakout sessions for learning how to be EVEN MORE DRAMATIC, high school One Act teams are taking turns performing their plays. There are 44 high school teams in attendance. Between getting here, which is where the sporting part of this competition takes place, and finding rooms...eating lunch...and tracking the group I'm here to keep control of.... I've seen 3 plays. Again..... Interesting.

Soon after I took my seat in the auditorium for the first show, a very odd bird-like woman sat next to me. After a couple of seconds of sitting there she looked right at me and said, "Well, hello there" in an odd sing-songy voice. She went on to ask if I was a teacher or chaperone. When I declared my chaperone role she asked if I planned on attending shows or breakout sessions too. I shared that I would be solely watching shows. Quickly she broke out her little book of all the things going on and pointed me to a breakout session just for parents. The title is "My Student Wants to Study Theater in College: What Do I Do Next?" .  When I assured her that my "student" wants to get a life and a real career she practically snarled at me. Good times.

People watching is premium here. There are people everywhere! It's better than the mall at Christmastime.  I'm feeling somewhat startled at myself that I'm not downstairs right now just sitting and watching. I haven't really felt like it. I have a theory.

A few weeks ago I was sharing with a friend that I used to be very creative. One day, though, it just left me.  I've really struggled with that because it was something about myself that I really enjoyed. Being in this environment has made me somewhat mourn my creativity. Although there have already been wonderful benefits from living this "new life", I'm certain that the return of my creativity might just be ushered in as well.  That will be fun! This weekend definitely has sparked the "want" for me to unleash my creative side. In the interim, though, being surrounded by really creative people feels very unnatural.

On Joy

I am blown away right now.

At the beginning of the month a friend of mine sent me a link to a blog post that someone had written about her kids who are adopted from foster care. I immediately identified with her heart. I understood what relatively few can understand.  I was so moved by what she wrote that I went back to the beginning of her blog and read every word that she has written. Somewhere along the line I decided to reach out and tell her "thank you".

One of the ugly accusations that has been ruling my life is that "I'm unworthy". Those words run through my head regularly on a ticker tape. Those words will take time to overcome. One lesson I learned a very long time ago was to have expectations of acceptance from no one. I just accepted that no one would want to be around me. I don't need to "inflict" myself on people.

Last week I reached out to the blogger again.... I must be crazy or something. I simply told her that based on her blog we've had some common experiences. Since we're from the same community I offered to "go for a walk sometime". She responded positively.  Well today she wrote something that prompted me to ask if she wanted to walk today.... and she did. So I got together with an almost complete stranger. WUT?! I didn't think about it. I just did it.

Today I wasn't "inflicted" on anyone. I met a kindred spirit. Moreover, I DID have something to offer. I had matching experiences and ears to listen. God is good. Today by simply chatting with a friend I both felt God's love and showed His love to someone else. I am overjoyed.

Tuesday...Take 2

This morning was really weird for Hubby Guy and myself.

Scott is the rooster in our house. He is the one that declares it morning. He is the one who sets the alarm. We all happily let him fulfill that role. I know it's time to get up when he comes out of the bathroom and wakes me up.

So this morning he came and woke me up. I was not happy about it because I was sound asleep and dreaming. I always have a terrible time getting up when I'm awakened from a dream. When I finally sat up I noticed 2 things. The first was that it was profoundly dark outside for 7:00 in the morning. The other was that the clock on top of the dresser was wrong. It said 4:38. I wondered how it got messed up. I managed to scrape myself out of bed and get in the shower.

When I was drying off Scott knocked on the door and told me to come out of the bathroom before I finished getting ready. He said he needed to show me something. That was an unusual request. My mind went crazy wondering what the mystery would be. I hurriedly dried off and left the bathroom.

Upon my emergence, Scott asked me to look at his alarm clock. I did. It was just before 7. Then he asked me to look at the clock on top of the dresser. It was just before 5. As it turns out, the clock on top of the dresser was correct. We were up 2 hours early!  He had gotten up and gotten ready. He went downstairs to let the dogs out and one refused to go. He sat down to watch his stock shows and wondered why the programming was different today. He looked a the clocks downstairs and thought perhaps that one of the kids had messed with them because they were wrong too.  At some point he realized, Duh!... his alarm clock had been messed up.

So... we went back to bed and slept for almost 2 hours!  As I was drifting off to sleep I told Scott I always do want a morning nap at some point before I leave the house. This morning I got a nice one.

On Finding Authenticity - Part 2

     As a child, I learned quickly what was expected of me. Our household was one of rigid standards and very little levity. My intelligence served me well. I got straight A's without much effort. I did as I was told. I adhered to the standard like a good little soldier. I learned to be alone. I learned to take care of myself. I learned to cook. I learned to clean. I learned that life is lonely. You could say that I BECAME the standard. I was who I was told to be.

     When I asked Jesus into my heart, I wasn't sure what to do from there. Like other milestones in my life, I was alone. My family quit going to church right about that time. For many, many years of my Christian life I felt completely unchanged. I started going to church on my own in 9th grade. I was invited by some friends at school.  I had always been a "good girl" so I wasn't doing anything different. I didn't experience the radical change that some do when they come to Christ. In 9th grade, though, I started to hear more from scripture about how life is supposed to be. But, because messages to youth are usually more of the "don't do these things" types of messages, that's what I began to cling to. I was good at being a good soldier. I was familiar with rigid standards. I took a very legalistic stance on Christianity. It felt better to me to be working to please God where I felt accepted than working for my parents who I was never good enough for. To me that felt like change.

     Before now when I would tell my "testimony", that was about it. It would end with "and since then I've been learning and growing, blah, blah, blah, more Christianese, etc."  The truth is, I have studied. I have grown. I have learned a lot from scripture. The problem with all of that is I've applied it very narrowly and seen it from a very skewed place. I've taken everything up to the tallest turret of my castle and categorized and sorted and made generalizations of the information. I made it all neatly fit into "my world" instead of the inverse.... the way it should have been. I made it fit the mold of who I was told to be. I made it fit the mold I was shoved into by circumstances beyond my control. I warped it and bent it. I used it however it would benefit me best. I used it to prove that I was ok. I used it to validate my way of life. I caged it up like an animal. I locked it up with me because I was locked up too.

     And now... I've been freed. I understand that I'm not bound to the law. I'm also not bound to "the standard" set so long ago. Without those things I'm somewhat lost. The sum of our experiences equals what it equals. I've done life a certain way for so long I'm not sure how exactly to change. So I'm working on trusting and being still. I'm trusting that once the dust settles from the castle collapse I will start to recognize what is the truth about me. My sincere hope is that I will learn to operate authentically. My desire is to walk away from anything about me that is not what He created me to be.

I was listening to iTunes radio this afternoon and found a new song that I LOVE!!! It's another exact match for where I feel like I am this minute. Here's the video:

I Can Just Be Me

I'll close with this.... in the book TrueFaced they use THE BEST imagery.  Throughout the book they are talking about gifts of grace that God gives us. On each one there's a tag that says this: "Take it. Apply It and Trust me to make it real. I Love You!  Jesus"  I am trusting Him to make it real. I'm trusting Him to grow back the pathway from my brain to my heart so that I can internalize all this good stuff and not keep it "running the track" in my brain.  I can hardly wait!