On Finding Authenticity - Part 1

"Searching for authenticity" seems like such an odd phrase to me. It seems to me that a person is either authentic or not. It should happen naturally. Life happens, though, and I think before we know it life can begin to be defined by our reaction to the sum of our experiences instead of our natural inclinations. At least, that's how it has felt for me.

I was born in 1972 to parents who are believers. I was told that I began going to church "in utero". We were a family that were at the church every time the doors were open...Sunday school, kids church, "Wednesday night supper", kids choir, Vacation Bible School, and any and every other activity that a person could be at church for. Church was life. My brothers and I also attended Christian school. It's very safe to say that we were immersed in the Christian lifestyle. To further assure our protection from "worldly things" we had no television, and weren't allowed to see newspapers. I was only allowed to listen to Christian music as well. I grew up on The Imperials, Dallas Holm and Praise, David Meece, Leon Patillo, The Goads and whoever else made the cut in my Father's eyes. The truth is that I don't feel like I really missed anything. I was a bit socially awkward, though, because I had little to nothing in common to talk about with my friends. I was also bookish... ok a nerd... too and that didn't help.

My world opened up a bit in 4th grade. That year there was a new girl at school. For whatever reason, she decided we were going to be friends. She pursued me until I gave in and we became really tight friends. We went everywhere together. We were a package deal. Pretty quickly after beginning to hang out with her I started noticing that there were some pretty extreme differences in our households. I spent A LOT of time at her house. She didn't like being at my house. I thought her family was really weird. They enjoyed each other's company. I'd never seen anything like it. They hung out with each other because they wanted to, not just because they were related. I thought they were really unusual. To top it off, her parents were big Me fans. They were always so kind. They were always spoiling me. It was an experience like none I'd ever had.

My parents were also Amway distributers. When we weren't at church or school, chances were that we were doing something "business" related. Through Amway I met several more friends. Every summer we would go to a big convention at a cool resort. As we got older we had more freedom during the day when our parents were "at meetings". I usually spent most of my time with 3 other girls my age. One of the girls was a member of the family of musicians that were always at those conventions too to provide the entertainment. We spent a lot of time with them because they were "cool". The times I spent hanging out with that amazing family ultimately changed my life. They were, in many ways, like my friend's family that I thought was so odd. They were crazy in love with each other. They took all that love stuff to a whole new level. They were also crazy in love with God. In all of my time at church I had never seen anyone like those people. I wanted what they had. I wanted to know God like they knew Him. The summer before I turned 14, I invited Jesus into my heart.

On Upside-Down Inauthenticity

It's sunday again.... and, as usual, that means a quiet house and time for me to sit on the porch and read, etc. To top it off, it's GORGEOUS today!

My inspiration this fall has all come from the personal journey on which I find myself these days. I'm enjoying myself thoroughly. I have likened the last month to taking a class in college. It has required homework, assignments that require the help of others, and lots of study time. The most wonderful part is that no grade will be assigned.

Here's the thought that struck me this morning:  Don't just trade inauthenticity for inauthenticity.

As the depth of how off track I have been comes to light, I am appalled. I am increasingly aware of what work lays ahead of me. I'm finding that my tendency is just to want to "flip over" what I was doing before... because what I was doing was exactly wrong, flipping it over would be exactly right....right?  What I would get would just be upside-down inauthenticity. It wouldn't fix my predicament. It would just change my orientation to it.

Self-sufficiency has been a way of life for as long as I can remember. I have specific memories of needing help, even calling out, but no one came. I learned that people don't care about me. I became good at addressing my own needs, taking care of myself, needing no one. As I said before, I constructed a fortified castle. From the castle, I appeared strong. From the castle, I proclaimed to be together. People said things like "You've been so brave" and "You've overcome so much". I received those words, but I was a pretender. Behind those fortified castle walls I was hoarding pain, a very detailed list of wrongs, and accusations too numerous to count.

The picture that keeps coming to mind today is that of when you get hurt and recoil. People wanting to help want "to see". Everything in you is in protective mode, though, and you just can't bring yourself to let people "see", even though you know you need the help.  As I sit here in the pile of rubble that was formerly my castle, I feel recoiled. I feel very protective. I very much want help but am struggling with letting anyone "see". The biggest reason for my hesitancy is I'm afraid to look myself. I know the wounds I've sustained are serious and numerous. I'm so, so afraid too of getting hurt more.

BUT....I am so sick-to-death of hiding. I'm completely over it. The opposite of hiding would be full disclosure, right? My inclination is to just be "wide open", to put it all out there. Purging feels mighty good. But like I said before, changing from hiding to "wide open" won't change my predicament. It will just change my orientation to it.

So, I'm searching for authenticity. I long to be honest and vulnerable. I long to be and to operate out of who God says I am. I'm just not accustomed to trusting and being still. I feel a powerful urge still to strive somehow... strive differently than I had been, but still strive.

The Stuff of These Days

Whew!!! For a while there I managed to post daily. I wish I could keep that up. The truth, however, is that I'm needing more time to process. I still have SO MUCH going on with my big, hairy monster slaying journey. It's all wonderfully exciting too!!!

For the past few days I feel like I've been just resting. I'm still learning to stop striving. I'm learning to trust God.  Humility = trusting God and others with me. The really awesome part is I feel pretty successful. I'm having a spiritual  "look Mom, no hands" moment. I really like the feel of just trusting. I do, in fact, feel lighter.

One really great thing that has happened is I'm beginning to recapture a part of me that has been long lost. I've also been better able to hear God's voice. All kinds of really great things are happening. One of those things is I have a new friend. We are really "sympatico". I love hanging out with her. We sat for 2 1/2 hours today chatting about life. My love language is quality time so I left there STUFFED. It was awesome. One thing about her that I totally love is that she is older than me. I have no idea why that matters. I think that fact provides a type of older-wiserness to our conversations, though. On my journey of "learning to trust God and others with me", I do find it a tiny bit easier to start with persons that are a little bit older. Another thing I love about her is that she asks good questions. She actually converses with me. She doesn't preach at me. She listens and responds. I find that really refreshing. She doesn't have an agenda. She finds me interesting. I find her wonderfully interesting as well and look forward to learning more about her.  I LOVE new friends.

Today in my book I read about receiving and giving love. I'm still in shock. I need to read the chapter again. I will definitely share some of it once I can get any kind of grasp on what I read.

Goodnight world. (Or good morning or good day to all 2 of you who read this..... I love you for it)

On Trashed Castles

Today I find myself grateful. I'm grateful that God doesn't just decide to be sick to death of me and just wash His hands of me and all of my odd notions. The truth is, instead of walking away, He died for me. I am full of awe.

Here's another quote from the book I'm reading: (I highly recommend it, by the way):

"When we view others as sinners rather than saints, we will demand that others work on their sin in order to have a relationship with us."

I recently shared with someone dear to me that since salvation I have been hard at work on a fortified castle. That castle has been my safe place (or my twisted idea of safe). The foundation of the castle is "the law". I set up camp there an have been toiling away building my "Good Girl" castle. I have operated, very legalistically, out of that castle for years. I have looked down on others, judged them, and kept most people at a very safe distance.

These last couple of weeks have been both terrifying and exciting. Lots of questions have come up. When I read that line a couple of days ago, it hit the side of my castle like a giant wrecking ball and knocked it over. Then God, kind of like King Kong (work with me here... I can't help the crazy imagery that happens in my head) picked me up in His giant hand and looked me in the eyeballs (with Love) and I've been waiting a couple of days for what He would say.

Not a very loving look, but you get the picture.

The first thing that came to mind was my precious square pegs people. Before God got all quiet and "stare-y", He made sure I was reminded of them. Very humbly I say, Ouch! I deserved that. I deserve His wrath. I deserve to be mashed into an oily spot on planet earth. What has been somewhat unnerving about this process is the Love with which He regards me. I've heard forever that God is Love. I think I'm finally starting to actually feel the warmth of it. The castle was a very cold place, fortified yet not insulated.

This afternoon, the verses below are what came to mind:

Hebrews 10:23

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

23 Let us hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

Philippians 1:6

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

So, again, I feel grateful. I'm grateful that upon salvation He made me a new person. I'm excited to know that He is maturing me into that person (words from the book, not mine). AND, I'm grateful that, even in my wretched castle, I'm dearly loved. I can't wait to see what dreams He has for me.

On Feeling Refreshed

Let me describe for you one of my favorite scenarios (that happens entirely too rarely): Getting clean, putting on clean PJs, crawling into clean sheets on a bed in a clean, cool room and sleeping until I feel like waking up. I could almost drool thinking about making it happen. I can come close some weekends but there usually seems to be something that keeps the scenario from completely playing out. Another thing I love is new clothes that fit really well and make me feel "cute". (which is another rare occurrence) At the root of those two things is the notion of feeling comfortable and well rested. To me, those things feel refreshing. They make me feel all energetic and light.The truth is that I could name lots of things that physically or mentally put me in a "happy place".

When I had my revelation a couple of weeks ago, I felt very unsure about what it would all mean to daily life. Although exciting, "happy place" isn't how I would describe the feeling at all. I don't actually care for that much change, especially large amounts of it all at once. YUK! I'm sad to say that I can't easily list things that have made me feel "spiritually" light or refreshed. Spiritual things always seem to feel heavy or a lot like work. I've learned this last couple of weeks that I feel that way because I've been doing faith completely wrong. What I thought I was doing was striving to please God but in actuality I was just mindlessly checking off a "good Christian stuff to do" list under my own power.  YIKES!

This is what I read today from the book I've been reading: (Parts Paraphrased)
     I can enter the Room of Grace only when I humbly acknowledge that I need to trust God and                                       others with myself and give up my striving to be godly.

&

Grace brings us adoption into God's family, a new identity, a new life, new power, new capacity & God's full protection - with absolutely no strings attached!

Tonight I feel spiritually light. I actually wrote 3 or 4 pages of notes that are equally as awesome as the two I shared. I feel comfortable and refreshed. I think for the first time perhaps, I feel actually close to God instead of theoretically close or just wowed by something I've read. It's a nice feeling that I look forward to experiencing more of.

On Tests

Did you know that God is pretty funny? I've wondered recently when my new-found way to live my faith would be tested. Answer: tonight.

I was reading earlier about authenticity and trust. All through this book I'm reading it talks about loving people right where they are. It's like all my life I've been searching for round holes people and all I've found is people who are square pegs. SO FEW people have fit into my life. I needed people who were "like me" because that has felt to me something like safety.

WELL.... tonight I went to a Bible study with a bunch of square pegs people. And, it was OK. I realized I will have to be very careful because my inclination is perhaps to judge or to back away. There were lots of red danger flags that were waving wildly in my head. I will definitely use some energy working through whether or not the red flags actually mean "danger" or something more like "not like me" or "what used to be unsafe".

The truth is that God has been very specific with me on a couple of points. I'm TICKLED that the square pegs invited me. I'm certain that one of the pegs didn't have any idea what to do with me. She's the very peg DRESSED in a red flag. BUT... ya know what. I know God will use this to mature me. I'm actually pretty excited. I'm gonna have to put my money where my mouth is on this one. I just didn't think I would face this particular challenge so early in my rebuilding process.

On What God Dreams for Me

I feel very much on the uphill leg of my big, hairy monster slaying journey. I continue to feel a great amount of resolve. That is encouraging. I wake up daily and remind myself to relax, to stop striving. I'm redefining how I live my faith. So far, so good.

Here's an excerpt from the book I'm reading "TrueFaced - trust God and others with who you really are"

     "God's dreams for you are ultimately not really about you. Oh, don't misunderstand. They'll bring you 

some of the best days of your life; you will be fulfilled beyond any imaginable expectations. But God's dreams take form only when they are about others, for the benefit of others. Loving them. Guiding them. Serving them. Influencing them. Filling their heads with dreams and hope. There are no other types of God dreams. Nothing less or else will compel, attract or seem worthy of this God heart within you..... Think about it - God's dreams for us reflect His heart."

That concept is something I've NEVER heard. It makes, however, perfect sense to me. It has certainly given me a foothold for my uphill climb. It takes a lot of pressure off too. For so long I've felt like a loser for not having this super, well-defined calling like my friends. I'm realizing that what God has for me may be shockingly simple. I love that notion.

This week I've felt like I've been spying on myself. Strange how easy it is to do life without paying much attention. I've been paying extra special close attention to myself for clues that may lead me to who I really am, who God made me. I've made a conscious effort to switch off all striving and automated life choices and just listen for God's cueing. I can name off the top of my head 4 or 5 instances in the past couple of days where I've heard His cueing. It has felt amazing. And.. oddly enough, it's stuff I wouldn't have done or taken seriously previously. I think that's a good sign.