On Tests

Did you know that God is pretty funny? I've wondered recently when my new-found way to live my faith would be tested. Answer: tonight.

I was reading earlier about authenticity and trust. All through this book I'm reading it talks about loving people right where they are. It's like all my life I've been searching for round holes people and all I've found is people who are square pegs. SO FEW people have fit into my life. I needed people who were "like me" because that has felt to me something like safety.

WELL.... tonight I went to a Bible study with a bunch of square pegs people. And, it was OK. I realized I will have to be very careful because my inclination is perhaps to judge or to back away. There were lots of red danger flags that were waving wildly in my head. I will definitely use some energy working through whether or not the red flags actually mean "danger" or something more like "not like me" or "what used to be unsafe".

The truth is that God has been very specific with me on a couple of points. I'm TICKLED that the square pegs invited me. I'm certain that one of the pegs didn't have any idea what to do with me. She's the very peg DRESSED in a red flag. BUT... ya know what. I know God will use this to mature me. I'm actually pretty excited. I'm gonna have to put my money where my mouth is on this one. I just didn't think I would face this particular challenge so early in my rebuilding process.

On What God Dreams for Me

I feel very much on the uphill leg of my big, hairy monster slaying journey. I continue to feel a great amount of resolve. That is encouraging. I wake up daily and remind myself to relax, to stop striving. I'm redefining how I live my faith. So far, so good.

Here's an excerpt from the book I'm reading "TrueFaced - trust God and others with who you really are"

     "God's dreams for you are ultimately not really about you. Oh, don't misunderstand. They'll bring you 

some of the best days of your life; you will be fulfilled beyond any imaginable expectations. But God's dreams take form only when they are about others, for the benefit of others. Loving them. Guiding them. Serving them. Influencing them. Filling their heads with dreams and hope. There are no other types of God dreams. Nothing less or else will compel, attract or seem worthy of this God heart within you..... Think about it - God's dreams for us reflect His heart."

That concept is something I've NEVER heard. It makes, however, perfect sense to me. It has certainly given me a foothold for my uphill climb. It takes a lot of pressure off too. For so long I've felt like a loser for not having this super, well-defined calling like my friends. I'm realizing that what God has for me may be shockingly simple. I love that notion.

This week I've felt like I've been spying on myself. Strange how easy it is to do life without paying much attention. I've been paying extra special close attention to myself for clues that may lead me to who I really am, who God made me. I've made a conscious effort to switch off all striving and automated life choices and just listen for God's cueing. I can name off the top of my head 4 or 5 instances in the past couple of days where I've heard His cueing. It has felt amazing. And.. oddly enough, it's stuff I wouldn't have done or taken seriously previously. I think that's a good sign.

On Validation From Strange Places

Last week my youngest asked me why I wanted to be a foster parent. It struck me as an odd question. It seemed odd because I was her foster parent before I was her adoptive Mom. So, she was essentially asking what lead to her being mine. She's a thinker like me. Even with knowing that about her, the question caught me off-guard.

Whenever I've considered my goals for life through the years, there's one "goal" I've counted but never admitted. It has to do with my legacy. I've never actually crafted the text of it. The reason for that is mostly fear. You could say it's both my biggest fear and biggest secret. It's this: I'm afraid of turning out like my biological parents. I'll go on to say it's probably the saddest thing about my life. Aren't our parents supposed to be our role models and heroes? 

There are things my parents did right. They emphasized the importance of getting a quality education. They taught me responsibility. We ate meals together and went on great vacations together. Everything wasn't bad. Unfortunately, though, it's the things they did wrong that have impacted my life the most. I really hate that. Without completely airing our familial dirty laundry, I'll just say they epicly failed at healthy relationships. I was jettisoned from the fold feeling worthless and unloved. That is what I'm afraid of re-creating. It's a pattern I've planned all along to miss.  I just wish there were solid guarantees. When I open my mouth and my Mother comes out I cringe. When I choose my easy chair with a book over a bike ride with a kid I cringe. It was a whole lot easier to feel positive about that goal when I had no children.

Several times lately my little one has said that she plans to adopt from foster care when she gets older. I've not known what to do with that. It's her experience. Of course, she would want to repeat it. The more she brings it up, though, I realize it's more than that. When we were talking last week I realized she wants to be like me.... and I smiled. 

The girls and I were in 7-11 on thursday and the lady at the register was marveling about how much the 3 of us look alike. The oldest just rolled her eyes and questioned why. We really do hear that all the time. The lady went on and on about how the apples didn't fall far from the tree, etc. I told her they are adopted and she about dropped her teeth. It was pretty funny. As we were leaving I asked them if they minded that I tell people sometimes that they are adopted. They said no. I told them I do that because I think our family is pretty cool. I wish I had a picture of the little one's face. It looked a lot like validation.

On Richness

I am prone to much frustration over how busy life is. Oh how I hate the need to calendar every second of our lives. I am a slave to the calendar. I try my best to see it as a good thing, but really struggle on that point. Where I struggle the most is carving out time for family.

I am a huge proponent of living someplace other than where you were born. I feel like we live in a big world. Everyone should have the opportunity to experience other places for at least part of life. If you prefer where you were born after you've lived a few places, fine. Go back and be happy. The flip-side, however, of what I believe is a really great idea is the source of my biggest frustration. I have lived in three different states. I have family spread across all three. And.... none of those family live in the town where I currently reside. That is MONDO annoying. It means that time with those I love dearly requires calendering. We can't do impromptu.

Well..... the planets aligned or something and I was able this weekend to spend almost 48 whole hours at the place I call "home". It's the home of my non-biological parents. God loved me enough 19 years ago to graft me into their family. Though not legally adopted, I became one of them. That family placement has afforded me MUCH healing, much love, much laughter, etc. I really felt like I needed to "check in" with my parents concerning this new big, hairy monster-slaying journey of mine. The trip even included one-on-one chat time with my Dad which was awesome. He's a bit of a rock-star for Christ kind of a guy and time with him can be difficult to attain. I'm super proud of who he is and am happy to share, but I really enjoy my time with him.

Every time I'm at my parent's house I feel super safe. I struggle to not become one with the couch in my favorite room. I sleep like the dead with no worries in the world. I don't feel the need when I'm there to pretend to be anyone other than myself. They fell in love with the real me years ago when I was too broken to pretend to be anyone else. Leaving is always hard. I was considering the reasons for that yesterday on the drive home. The biggest reason why it's hard to leave is because of the safety I feel there. I love not having to pretend. Admittedly, there are things they don't know about my life. But, I have assurance that they could handle any and all of the ugly truth that is me.

After hearing about what God is doing in my life these days, my parents hooked me up with a resource called TrueFaced while I was there. I experienced the first chapter this afternoon and I'm still "chewing". I will say, this journey sure is going to be interesting! I have been a mask wearer perhaps forever. I have absolutely been striving to please God and everyone else, for that matter.

Here's the thing I've been thinking this afternoon: I've been able to trust fallible people and receive love from them with knowledge that they can handle my imperfections, but have refused to trust God whose love and understanding far surpasses what any human can offer.         How cracked is that!? God offers a richness of love, a richness of grace, a richness of understanding because He made me to be me. HE KNOWS already who I am and that's who He wants me to be.   Duh!.... right?

Dip Stick, You Say?

I am a thinker. I like to roll things around in my head, take them apart, and put them back together again. I think a lot of things absolutely to pieces. My friend uses the term "paralysis of analysis". I totally get that. I can think things round and round in circles and get myself completely lost up in my head. When the stakes are high that process can lead to complete mental exhaustion. It's kind of like a car that's low on oil or the oil is too old. That problem can completely seize up the motor. Yep.

So I'm on this journey to slay the big, hairy monster.... and I feel like I've been at this place before. It's the place where God tells me something that requires action on my part. I get all excited. My brain wheels get to spinnin'. I share it with others. Then BLAMMO!!... my motor seizes up... and I walk away unchanged.

I was thinking about that today. I was actually praying about that. I DO NOT want to seize up on this one. This can be no mountain-top experience. I have serious work to do. I am just afraid of messing it up. I have taken measures to assure this doesn't happen.

Here's part of my plan:

1) Take it slow. I am one to one to get to the root of something and I push, push, push and get tired out quick. Honestly, I feel like I miss a whole lot when I rush it like that.

2) Do something wild and crazy like let my heart have a say. My whole life has been lived in my head. It's time I let my heart have a part in things. Maybe then the result will be more meaningful instead of a finely analyzed and laid out spreadsheet from my head space.

And...

3) Check my spiritual "dip stick" daily. Make sure my processing of all of this runs smoothly by freshly lubricating my brain wheels with scripture daily. (Odd analogy, right?)

The plan sounds like a winner.

On Big, Hairy Monster Guts

Upon further consideration, I realized that the monster has done more than stalk my unconscious. He had stealthily overtaken how I see most everything. He had become the lens through which I see the world as it pertains to me. I sat there the other day shaken to the core with tears in my eyes. I realized I needed to hatch a plan to slay the monster.

Armed, for the first time, with the name of the monster, I feel like I have a starting place on the journey to slaying Him.

With a quickness... I realized where the affects of the monster are felt most in my life. "What I believe about myself" is a battleground I believe he conquered a long, long time ago. For years I have walked through life with "me defined". I believed I knew myself well. I think that's why all of this has been such a shock to my system. For years I've explained away things that didn't make sense or felt wrong as "just who God made me". The very sad and unfortunate part is I was wrong. Those things that I never could explain were who the monster made me....not God.

I've been studying this week about who God says I am. Here's the song that has been stuck in my head ( it has big, hairy monster guts all over it!):

Hello, My Name Is

I find it supremely scary that I could be so off-base in my understanding of myself. I'm so excited about exploring the other side of the equation. It has seemed forever like the things I find myself passionate about aren't in keeping with who I am or my personality. Now that I'm realizing I was hijacked all that time, I feel like I can explore with fresh eyes those things that I had considered crazy thoughts before.

On Being Rewarded

My children often comment while we're in route from A to B that they would be road raging on this person or that person for this, that, or the other thing. Those comments always elicit the same sermon from me about growing patience and character, etc. (See another favorite verse)

Romans 5:3-4

New International Version (NIV)

3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Sufferings in this instance = slow and otherwise annoying drivers. Perhaps I've taken this out of context, but I don't think so.

I've often wondered why, at times, I can be quite patient and at other times I act like a crazy woman over having to wait 2 seconds for someone to move so I can get to the spot I want at the counter-top.

Last week I found myself feeling stood up by a friend. (again with the friend stories... I'm. Not. Sorry) Anyway, for some reason I felt rooted to the spot. I was out in the community and didn't feel like I should leave. It was a pretty crazy feeling. I waited for a solid hour. I felt like an idiot. Who waits an hour? Usually, not me.

Here's what I learned..... be sensitive to the Spirit. I chose to listen to the nudging to stay put. Ya know what happened? My friend showed up. We had a wonderful conversation. God blessed my socks off. I got rewarded right then and there.

How many times have I refused to listen and missed out on blessing? I fear there have been too many. My poor friend felt terrible. Messing up her schedule is completely 100% out of character. My take on it is what happened was all God. He needed to make a point. I didn't miss it.