On Validation From Strange Places

Last week my youngest asked me why I wanted to be a foster parent. It struck me as an odd question. It seemed odd because I was her foster parent before I was her adoptive Mom. So, she was essentially asking what lead to her being mine. She's a thinker like me. Even with knowing that about her, the question caught me off-guard.

Whenever I've considered my goals for life through the years, there's one "goal" I've counted but never admitted. It has to do with my legacy. I've never actually crafted the text of it. The reason for that is mostly fear. You could say it's both my biggest fear and biggest secret. It's this: I'm afraid of turning out like my biological parents. I'll go on to say it's probably the saddest thing about my life. Aren't our parents supposed to be our role models and heroes? 

There are things my parents did right. They emphasized the importance of getting a quality education. They taught me responsibility. We ate meals together and went on great vacations together. Everything wasn't bad. Unfortunately, though, it's the things they did wrong that have impacted my life the most. I really hate that. Without completely airing our familial dirty laundry, I'll just say they epicly failed at healthy relationships. I was jettisoned from the fold feeling worthless and unloved. That is what I'm afraid of re-creating. It's a pattern I've planned all along to miss.  I just wish there were solid guarantees. When I open my mouth and my Mother comes out I cringe. When I choose my easy chair with a book over a bike ride with a kid I cringe. It was a whole lot easier to feel positive about that goal when I had no children.

Several times lately my little one has said that she plans to adopt from foster care when she gets older. I've not known what to do with that. It's her experience. Of course, she would want to repeat it. The more she brings it up, though, I realize it's more than that. When we were talking last week I realized she wants to be like me.... and I smiled. 

The girls and I were in 7-11 on thursday and the lady at the register was marveling about how much the 3 of us look alike. The oldest just rolled her eyes and questioned why. We really do hear that all the time. The lady went on and on about how the apples didn't fall far from the tree, etc. I told her they are adopted and she about dropped her teeth. It was pretty funny. As we were leaving I asked them if they minded that I tell people sometimes that they are adopted. They said no. I told them I do that because I think our family is pretty cool. I wish I had a picture of the little one's face. It looked a lot like validation.

On Richness

I am prone to much frustration over how busy life is. Oh how I hate the need to calendar every second of our lives. I am a slave to the calendar. I try my best to see it as a good thing, but really struggle on that point. Where I struggle the most is carving out time for family.

I am a huge proponent of living someplace other than where you were born. I feel like we live in a big world. Everyone should have the opportunity to experience other places for at least part of life. If you prefer where you were born after you've lived a few places, fine. Go back and be happy. The flip-side, however, of what I believe is a really great idea is the source of my biggest frustration. I have lived in three different states. I have family spread across all three. And.... none of those family live in the town where I currently reside. That is MONDO annoying. It means that time with those I love dearly requires calendering. We can't do impromptu.

Well..... the planets aligned or something and I was able this weekend to spend almost 48 whole hours at the place I call "home". It's the home of my non-biological parents. God loved me enough 19 years ago to graft me into their family. Though not legally adopted, I became one of them. That family placement has afforded me MUCH healing, much love, much laughter, etc. I really felt like I needed to "check in" with my parents concerning this new big, hairy monster-slaying journey of mine. The trip even included one-on-one chat time with my Dad which was awesome. He's a bit of a rock-star for Christ kind of a guy and time with him can be difficult to attain. I'm super proud of who he is and am happy to share, but I really enjoy my time with him.

Every time I'm at my parent's house I feel super safe. I struggle to not become one with the couch in my favorite room. I sleep like the dead with no worries in the world. I don't feel the need when I'm there to pretend to be anyone other than myself. They fell in love with the real me years ago when I was too broken to pretend to be anyone else. Leaving is always hard. I was considering the reasons for that yesterday on the drive home. The biggest reason why it's hard to leave is because of the safety I feel there. I love not having to pretend. Admittedly, there are things they don't know about my life. But, I have assurance that they could handle any and all of the ugly truth that is me.

After hearing about what God is doing in my life these days, my parents hooked me up with a resource called TrueFaced while I was there. I experienced the first chapter this afternoon and I'm still "chewing". I will say, this journey sure is going to be interesting! I have been a mask wearer perhaps forever. I have absolutely been striving to please God and everyone else, for that matter.

Here's the thing I've been thinking this afternoon: I've been able to trust fallible people and receive love from them with knowledge that they can handle my imperfections, but have refused to trust God whose love and understanding far surpasses what any human can offer.         How cracked is that!? God offers a richness of love, a richness of grace, a richness of understanding because He made me to be me. HE KNOWS already who I am and that's who He wants me to be.   Duh!.... right?

Dip Stick, You Say?

I am a thinker. I like to roll things around in my head, take them apart, and put them back together again. I think a lot of things absolutely to pieces. My friend uses the term "paralysis of analysis". I totally get that. I can think things round and round in circles and get myself completely lost up in my head. When the stakes are high that process can lead to complete mental exhaustion. It's kind of like a car that's low on oil or the oil is too old. That problem can completely seize up the motor. Yep.

So I'm on this journey to slay the big, hairy monster.... and I feel like I've been at this place before. It's the place where God tells me something that requires action on my part. I get all excited. My brain wheels get to spinnin'. I share it with others. Then BLAMMO!!... my motor seizes up... and I walk away unchanged.

I was thinking about that today. I was actually praying about that. I DO NOT want to seize up on this one. This can be no mountain-top experience. I have serious work to do. I am just afraid of messing it up. I have taken measures to assure this doesn't happen.

Here's part of my plan:

1) Take it slow. I am one to one to get to the root of something and I push, push, push and get tired out quick. Honestly, I feel like I miss a whole lot when I rush it like that.

2) Do something wild and crazy like let my heart have a say. My whole life has been lived in my head. It's time I let my heart have a part in things. Maybe then the result will be more meaningful instead of a finely analyzed and laid out spreadsheet from my head space.

And...

3) Check my spiritual "dip stick" daily. Make sure my processing of all of this runs smoothly by freshly lubricating my brain wheels with scripture daily. (Odd analogy, right?)

The plan sounds like a winner.

On Big, Hairy Monster Guts

Upon further consideration, I realized that the monster has done more than stalk my unconscious. He had stealthily overtaken how I see most everything. He had become the lens through which I see the world as it pertains to me. I sat there the other day shaken to the core with tears in my eyes. I realized I needed to hatch a plan to slay the monster.

Armed, for the first time, with the name of the monster, I feel like I have a starting place on the journey to slaying Him.

With a quickness... I realized where the affects of the monster are felt most in my life. "What I believe about myself" is a battleground I believe he conquered a long, long time ago. For years I have walked through life with "me defined". I believed I knew myself well. I think that's why all of this has been such a shock to my system. For years I've explained away things that didn't make sense or felt wrong as "just who God made me". The very sad and unfortunate part is I was wrong. Those things that I never could explain were who the monster made me....not God.

I've been studying this week about who God says I am. Here's the song that has been stuck in my head ( it has big, hairy monster guts all over it!):

Hello, My Name Is

I find it supremely scary that I could be so off-base in my understanding of myself. I'm so excited about exploring the other side of the equation. It has seemed forever like the things I find myself passionate about aren't in keeping with who I am or my personality. Now that I'm realizing I was hijacked all that time, I feel like I can explore with fresh eyes those things that I had considered crazy thoughts before.

On Being Rewarded

My children often comment while we're in route from A to B that they would be road raging on this person or that person for this, that, or the other thing. Those comments always elicit the same sermon from me about growing patience and character, etc. (See another favorite verse)

Romans 5:3-4

New International Version (NIV)

3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Sufferings in this instance = slow and otherwise annoying drivers. Perhaps I've taken this out of context, but I don't think so.

I've often wondered why, at times, I can be quite patient and at other times I act like a crazy woman over having to wait 2 seconds for someone to move so I can get to the spot I want at the counter-top.

Last week I found myself feeling stood up by a friend. (again with the friend stories... I'm. Not. Sorry) Anyway, for some reason I felt rooted to the spot. I was out in the community and didn't feel like I should leave. It was a pretty crazy feeling. I waited for a solid hour. I felt like an idiot. Who waits an hour? Usually, not me.

Here's what I learned..... be sensitive to the Spirit. I chose to listen to the nudging to stay put. Ya know what happened? My friend showed up. We had a wonderful conversation. God blessed my socks off. I got rewarded right then and there.

How many times have I refused to listen and missed out on blessing? I fear there have been too many. My poor friend felt terrible. Messing up her schedule is completely 100% out of character. My take on it is what happened was all God. He needed to make a point. I didn't miss it.

On Eventual Lightness

Yesterday I spoke of the big, hairy creature that stalks my unconscious; my biggest life pain. I want to attempt to talk about that without absolutely bearing my inner soul to the blogiverse.

Throughout my Christian walk I've struggled with the idea that I'm one of those Christians who grew up in church. I hear other believers talk about the freedom they got from this thing and that thing. I've always kind of scratched my head on that point for me. I always wondered what it was I was supposed to be free from. I have no addictions or vices outside what is commonplace (like playing Candy Crush or eating junk food). I'm a law abiding citizen.

Everyone has a story. Because I've lived my life, I don't see the things I've walked through as necessarily tough. I've heard many, many stories that are chock-full of way more trauma than I can claim. I praise God that I can say that. I am so grateful daily that He has spared me so much pain in life. I was reminded, however, the other day when I was sharing some highlights of my life with my new friend that I have an authentic claim to some serious dysfunction.

For so long I've taken the high road when it comes to dealing with my upbringing. I chose not to fall victim to some unhealthy family patterns. I absolutely feel that Christ has protected me from those unhealthy things. Again, I praise God daily for that. When I turned over that boulder the other day, though and saw the big, hairy creature I realized something. I realized that my biggest life hurt I've purposefully continued to stuff deep, deep down and I am in bondage to it. I uncovered a serious lack of freedom on my part. It was a crazy realization. I realized that all of my striving for perfection was my coping mechanism to keep the creature stuffed down. Perfection will keep him caged.

Here's the problem..... in order to stand under grace I need to stop striving. I need to release some of my controlling iron grip on how life goes. I think maybe that's why I was able to identify the creature the other day. I've known about him for a very long time but I've never been able to see him clearly for what he is or call his name. Even thinking about what it will take to slay him drops me to my knees and makes me want to cry. (Like actual tears come to my eyes)

The good news is..... Prov. 18:10 - The name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run into it and they are safe. From this too I am safe. The bugger of it all is that I will have to do the work. Yuk! The other good news is that when God walks me through this and the last of the burden is lifted I may well float from place to place because of how light I feel without that burden.

My Roots Are Showing

You may tire of hearing how conversations I've had with people were enlightening to me. To that I say: Deal with it.

I met a new friend last week. I was sharing with her about how I believe we are built for relationships. I believe that's where "Kingdom work" is accomplished. Our world feeds us a steady diet of busy, etc. It's super easy to not bother making connections with people. My belief is that we rob ourselves and rob others of God's healing by closing ourselves off from others.

My friend and I were sharing our lives with one another and quickly discovered a common need we have for feeling safe.

The last several months I've had a new favorite Bible verse:

Proverbs 18:10

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower;
The righteous runs into it and is safe.

If you know me, you know I'm not an overly emotional person (or really emotional at all). I can't tell you the number of times in the past few weeks I have teared up when remembering that verse.

At the Beth Moore conference she shared about standing on grace. She described that further as standing in Christ/on the name of the Lord.  When she said that, Prov. 18:10 came to mind immediately. I'm stubborn (go ahead, chuckle if you know me). I am forever grateful that God doesn't wash His hands of me. Anyway, He started talking to me then about the roots of my safety issue.

In the continuing effort of trying to process what I heard that weekend, the issue of safety has come up. As I said before, I'm good at legalism. I know what that looks like. I find comfort in "following the law". I've been standing on "Good Girl". I'm proud of that. Striving for perfection has provided me with what felt to me like safety. As I'm getting used to my new lens of grace, and I'm seeing things more clearly, I'm realizing that all of that is a sham. Pastor Guy was talking this week about life's purpose. I realized I've been really off base at times in this. He used a similar verse but I'm feeling this one:

Ecclesiastes 2:11

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

11 When I considered all that I had accomplished and what I had labored to achieve, I found everything to be futile and a pursuit of the wind. There was nothing to be gained under the sun.

All of my striving for perfection is "pursuit of the wind". How sad it is for me to have to admit my folly. I think though, in admitting it I can stand in that truth and move forward in the right.

I was up in my head the other day turning over rocks as I was considering more carefully my need for safety and had a big realization . I turned over a boulder and was shocked to discover my biggest life pain hiding there. It is a big hairy creature that stalks my unconscious. Very few times have I admitted it's existence to myself. I have never shared it with another human. Though scary, for the first time I recognized it's tie to my need for safety.

I am ever aware of God's hand on my life and His constant drawing of my heart to Him. I will continue to follow, see where it leads me, and report back.