So, armed with my mystery what, I checked back in to Beth's talk. I didn't really check out, but I substituted the word what when she used the word fear to see what else I could learn.
Beth asked this question at some point: "Do you want to live in the supernatural provision of God or in just a humanly explainable life?" I totally got what she was trying to say. When I was living my life of "fullness" it was absolutely comfy, easy and perfectly explainable. To live in the supernatural provision of God is to live beyond myself, to do those things that require actual faith. From my viewpoint of miserable sinner, that supernatural provision stuff is a tall order because it means I have to *big gulp* climb out of my comfort zone. From the mountaintop of the LPL conference that seemed a lot more do-able.
So at small group this week we started a study on Service. Funny how when God is talking to you the same message comes from all directions. This week I've already had to fight whining with God over how completely unprepared I feel for accomplishing my "non-so-mystery-anymore what." I don't know why, like a little brat kid, I always want to scream and holler and kick my feet and fight God when He tells me what He wants me to do. I can say, though, that I am grateful when he coddles me and encourages me and shows me how it can't possibly be as bad as I think it will be.
Those that know me are familiar with "the face" I always seem to have that gives others the impression that I'm mad, sad, homicidal, or something like it. I know this face because I inherited it. It's part of my genetic make-up and nothing can be done about it. I'm also not a giant fan of chatting up people I don't know or big crowds of people. Funny story, a few months back my job on sunday morning became sitting at the WELCOME CENTER, of all places. If you know me, you have my permission to giggle at that notion. Technically my job is checking in children. It just so happens that where I sit says Welcome Center really big over the top of my head. My dear friend pointed out that she considers this activity clearly outside my comfort zone. It occurred to me that she's right. I do it anyway, though, because it needs done and I'm there early anyway because my oldest has youth group before church. So in thinking through this activity it also occurred to me that I'm able to be successful at the job because of supernatural provision. Yay! I'm doing something right. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you have to rush out and do the thing you hate in order to be faithful. I am saying that when we fill ourselves up with faith we are capable of more. And I'm no super Christian so a little supernatural provision must go a long way.
Another question Beth asked was: "Can I recount God's faithfulness to me?" I would say yes. The above example is just one of many, many examples I can think of. When I think, though, of all of the time I've walked with the Lord I'm sad to think that the greater majority of it has been from a very comfy place. That's the pervading point of all of this for me. I would really like to do more great things for God. He has done lots of great things for me.
Monday, September 17, 2012
On Faith (Part 3)
The continuing words connected to trying to process my weekend.
The second point that got my attention was this. She shared a little drawing she had made in her notes that I can't draw here, but it stood for "If nothing is coming down that must mean something is up!". When I moved to where I am now and started trying to reconfigure life, my goal at the time was to try to recapture what I had in my mid to late twenties. Like I said before, I didn't understand. So I prayed for the same thing over and over. DUH! I failed to realize that something must be up. Hindsight is 20/20, right? When I look back now it's obvious that something was definitely up.
8 years ago I found myself in what at the time I called "A God Forsaken Cow Town". I hated it. Most of the reason I hated it was because of the aforementioned emptiness I felt. My Hubby Guy had been going to a church he thought was pretty cool. It definitely had it's good points. It wasn't, however, gettin' it done for me. So we started what could only be described as a very underwhelming church search. The town where we live is a tough place. It's small and weird. I felt like Goldilocks trying to find her place in bear world. It was just ridiculous trying to find the right fit. It took time that I didn't feel like I had. We did eventually settle on a place where we could both be happy. It's been 6 years. Yay! I mention this time in my life because it's an important part of my story and actually was brought to mind while "chewing". See On Faith (Part 2)
Beth spent some time talking about the concept of serving God from a place of faith instead of a place of "fullness". She spoke about having the abundant life we're called to - the life Christ died for (John 10:10) For whatever reason, I don't think I had ever considered what having a spiritually abundant life looks like and how that's accomplished. I've always loved that verse and the concept but never spent time actually thinking about how it's fleshed out. On the way home, my dear friend, asked the question "What does faithfulness look like in daily life?" She was WAY AHEAD of me on that one. I've pondered the question since then. What we heard this weekend absolutely begs the question.
Saturday afternoon Beth started talking about an overwhelming fear that she had struggled with. I felt like it was a complete aside. Fear isn't something that I struggle with regularly. She was talking about how fear often is what steals our ability to live faithfully. So since that particular issue wasn't a biggie for me I started praying that God would reveal to me what the biggie for me is that steals my ability to live faithfully.
Pretty soon after landing feet first on a solid place church-wise, I started feeling a pretty strong calling. The odd part was I didn't know to what. I've wrestled with that odd notion for a while. As I was sitting there praying Saturday, a word came to mind. I have no reason to believe it wasn't an immediate answer to prayer. Cool, right? The word that came to mind was the word WHAT. The crazy, good part was that I knew immediately what He meant. He was speaking directly to mystery "what" that I feel called to. So, feeling particularly buoyed in spirit, I asked for the mysterious "what" that I feel like I've been chasing for years. I felt bold enough to ask for specifics. Apparently, He was feeling chatty and I got my answer.
Now, if you REALLY know me and know the uninhibited crazy-girl in me, you can probably imagine exactly how "Daffy Duck" I went on the inside over this revelation. For the rest of you, the majority, I will say only that words are hard to come by that adequately relate the joy I felt. I got a Word and it was a very personal Word. I can't remember another time in life where that has happened with such a quickness.
I'm not going to share with you my mystery what. I feel like it's a jumping off place for lots more conversations with the Father. I will, however, tell you that I have more to say. Tune in for Part 4. :)
The second point that got my attention was this. She shared a little drawing she had made in her notes that I can't draw here, but it stood for "If nothing is coming down that must mean something is up!". When I moved to where I am now and started trying to reconfigure life, my goal at the time was to try to recapture what I had in my mid to late twenties. Like I said before, I didn't understand. So I prayed for the same thing over and over. DUH! I failed to realize that something must be up. Hindsight is 20/20, right? When I look back now it's obvious that something was definitely up.
8 years ago I found myself in what at the time I called "A God Forsaken Cow Town". I hated it. Most of the reason I hated it was because of the aforementioned emptiness I felt. My Hubby Guy had been going to a church he thought was pretty cool. It definitely had it's good points. It wasn't, however, gettin' it done for me. So we started what could only be described as a very underwhelming church search. The town where we live is a tough place. It's small and weird. I felt like Goldilocks trying to find her place in bear world. It was just ridiculous trying to find the right fit. It took time that I didn't feel like I had. We did eventually settle on a place where we could both be happy. It's been 6 years. Yay! I mention this time in my life because it's an important part of my story and actually was brought to mind while "chewing". See On Faith (Part 2)
Beth spent some time talking about the concept of serving God from a place of faith instead of a place of "fullness". She spoke about having the abundant life we're called to - the life Christ died for (John 10:10) For whatever reason, I don't think I had ever considered what having a spiritually abundant life looks like and how that's accomplished. I've always loved that verse and the concept but never spent time actually thinking about how it's fleshed out. On the way home, my dear friend, asked the question "What does faithfulness look like in daily life?" She was WAY AHEAD of me on that one. I've pondered the question since then. What we heard this weekend absolutely begs the question.
Saturday afternoon Beth started talking about an overwhelming fear that she had struggled with. I felt like it was a complete aside. Fear isn't something that I struggle with regularly. She was talking about how fear often is what steals our ability to live faithfully. So since that particular issue wasn't a biggie for me I started praying that God would reveal to me what the biggie for me is that steals my ability to live faithfully.
Pretty soon after landing feet first on a solid place church-wise, I started feeling a pretty strong calling. The odd part was I didn't know to what. I've wrestled with that odd notion for a while. As I was sitting there praying Saturday, a word came to mind. I have no reason to believe it wasn't an immediate answer to prayer. Cool, right? The word that came to mind was the word WHAT. The crazy, good part was that I knew immediately what He meant. He was speaking directly to mystery "what" that I feel called to. So, feeling particularly buoyed in spirit, I asked for the mysterious "what" that I feel like I've been chasing for years. I felt bold enough to ask for specifics. Apparently, He was feeling chatty and I got my answer.
Now, if you REALLY know me and know the uninhibited crazy-girl in me, you can probably imagine exactly how "Daffy Duck" I went on the inside over this revelation. For the rest of you, the majority, I will say only that words are hard to come by that adequately relate the joy I felt. I got a Word and it was a very personal Word. I can't remember another time in life where that has happened with such a quickness.
I'm not going to share with you my mystery what. I feel like it's a jumping off place for lots more conversations with the Father. I will, however, tell you that I have more to say. Tune in for Part 4. :)
On Faith (Part 2)
OK... so I went to an LPL event on saturday. See On Faith Part 1 for background.
The easy part of an LPL event is the external experience. It starts with phenomenal worship. Then Beth comes to the stage and just starts talking about life and sharing stories from her life and the lives of those close to her. I am drawn in at that point. It's odd to me that I could be in a room with 6,ooo people and feel as if I was sitting in someone's living room. I will admit that there have been times in my life where I was more drawn to a person than what they had to say. As much as I would relish an opportunity to sit and talk with Beth, I would readily trade the opportunity just to hear from her whatever it is the Lord has put on her heart to share.
The hard part of an LPL event is reconciling the internal experience. Each event is different message-wise. All are deep. Saturday's event was internally insane for me. It's the reason why I'm feeling so very wordy. I feel like I got served something very meaty. I'm tired from chewing but feel like I have a long way to go yet. If you've ever watched the show "Man Vs. Food" you are familiar with the term "meat sweats". That's precisely where I figuratively feel I am now.
The driving point of the event was faithfulness. She compared life events for two unnamed women in the Bible (II Kings 4) and challenged us to consider where we fall on the spectrum between those two women. She talked about Girl A who had practically nothing and a big faith and Girl Z who had practically everything and had lost track of how to live a life of faithfulness. As usual, what Beth had to convey was rich. That's the best word I can use to describe how she teaches.
The first idea Beth shared that struck me was the notion that if you take the word "faith" out of "faithfulness" you are left with "fullness". When I was in my mid twenties I was part of church where I was involved with EVERYTHING. Part of the reason for that was that I was young and single. The social culture of the church was to participate in everything. I wasn't unhappy at all. I truly loved the ministries I was involved with. But, when I got married and moved away I was taken out of that culture. In my new town I began immediately to struggle with an extreme feeling of emptiness. I was paralyzed with fear, doubt, and confusion. I was just at a loss. Though, in the past 8 years I've come to terms with a lot of that, I was never able to understand so clearly what was wrong before. It occurred to me that the life I was living in my mid to late twenties was all about "fullness". The things I was participating in weren't unpleasing to God but didn't require faith on my part. In those years I was clearly like Girl Z. I felt like I had everything and didn't really need anything. I didn't even realize I needed a miracle.
The easy part of an LPL event is the external experience. It starts with phenomenal worship. Then Beth comes to the stage and just starts talking about life and sharing stories from her life and the lives of those close to her. I am drawn in at that point. It's odd to me that I could be in a room with 6,ooo people and feel as if I was sitting in someone's living room. I will admit that there have been times in my life where I was more drawn to a person than what they had to say. As much as I would relish an opportunity to sit and talk with Beth, I would readily trade the opportunity just to hear from her whatever it is the Lord has put on her heart to share.
The hard part of an LPL event is reconciling the internal experience. Each event is different message-wise. All are deep. Saturday's event was internally insane for me. It's the reason why I'm feeling so very wordy. I feel like I got served something very meaty. I'm tired from chewing but feel like I have a long way to go yet. If you've ever watched the show "Man Vs. Food" you are familiar with the term "meat sweats". That's precisely where I figuratively feel I am now.
The driving point of the event was faithfulness. She compared life events for two unnamed women in the Bible (II Kings 4) and challenged us to consider where we fall on the spectrum between those two women. She talked about Girl A who had practically nothing and a big faith and Girl Z who had practically everything and had lost track of how to live a life of faithfulness. As usual, what Beth had to convey was rich. That's the best word I can use to describe how she teaches.
The first idea Beth shared that struck me was the notion that if you take the word "faith" out of "faithfulness" you are left with "fullness". When I was in my mid twenties I was part of church where I was involved with EVERYTHING. Part of the reason for that was that I was young and single. The social culture of the church was to participate in everything. I wasn't unhappy at all. I truly loved the ministries I was involved with. But, when I got married and moved away I was taken out of that culture. In my new town I began immediately to struggle with an extreme feeling of emptiness. I was paralyzed with fear, doubt, and confusion. I was just at a loss. Though, in the past 8 years I've come to terms with a lot of that, I was never able to understand so clearly what was wrong before. It occurred to me that the life I was living in my mid to late twenties was all about "fullness". The things I was participating in weren't unpleasing to God but didn't require faith on my part. In those years I was clearly like Girl Z. I felt like I had everything and didn't really need anything. I didn't even realize I needed a miracle.
On Faith (Part 1)
This weekend I went to a Living Proof Live event. Beth Moore is the speaker at these events. In my opinion, LPL is the best event available for women who want a Word from the Lord without all the hype and infomercials that other events of it's nature come with. Beth Moore is a dynamic speaker and I have found more often than not
that we set off in a direction and you think you know what's going down
and then out-of-the-blue the holy spirit launches a sneak attack. That
is exactly what happened to me on Saturday.
Last year we went to an event in Baltimore, MD. I was the trip planner and several things happened that tilted my slight OCD brain. Unfortunately, I didn't hear a word she said all weekend. The enemy successfully hijacked my thoughts and had me mentally careening back and forth between anger and feelings of complete inadequacy. I was the trip planner again this year and made a pretty rock solid itinerary that warded off any of the bobbles that happened last year. Moreover, I traveled this year looking for a Word from the Lord and was dedicated to not becoming side tracked. I'm pleased to report a successful mission.
As I write this post I am not completely convinced that I will publish it. I do, however, need desperately to try and organize my thoughts about the things that happened and what I heard over the weekend.
First of all, 11 women went on this trip from our church of less than 300. I don't really know how many members our church has. Typical adult attendance on Sunday is somewhere just south of 200 on a really good day. I found that spectacular. There would have been several more but there was another fun thing on the same weekend and unfortunately you can't be in two places at once. I don't know that in the 10 year history of the church there has been a women's trip so well attended. So Yay!
The event date we chose was a one day only event. We decided to make 2 days of it because there was a several hour drive to get to the venue. So we set out on friday morning armed with an air-tight itinerary. Our first stop was a couple hours out at a mall for lunch. I include this is my recalling of the story because it's the first place something wonderful happened. We gathered food from our preferred establishments then rendezvoused in the middle of the food court to dine together. Interestingly enough, I chose a food court because I wanted to please as many as I could and figured everyone could go their own way, eat together, not eat together, or whatever. I chose the path of least resistance. What happened was magical. We all sat together to eat and chat. That in itself wasn't really magical but what it led to was. The conversation twisted and turned a bit but ended with us laughing really hard such that attention was drawn from all over the food court. We were even approached by a sweet older woman who teasingly told us to keep it down. I felt like that conversation really set us off on the journey together. The funny knit us together from the beginning and I felt like that was really important because we were a somewhat diverse group and a group that doesn't generally hang out together. I won't describe the rest of that day but it was spectacular and filled with several more golden bonding moments.
I've decided now to split this into more than one post. I'm feeling wordy and feel like I need to break it down. And, I've decided to post my experience and hope not to bore you to death. (All 2 of you who read this)
Last year we went to an event in Baltimore, MD. I was the trip planner and several things happened that tilted my slight OCD brain. Unfortunately, I didn't hear a word she said all weekend. The enemy successfully hijacked my thoughts and had me mentally careening back and forth between anger and feelings of complete inadequacy. I was the trip planner again this year and made a pretty rock solid itinerary that warded off any of the bobbles that happened last year. Moreover, I traveled this year looking for a Word from the Lord and was dedicated to not becoming side tracked. I'm pleased to report a successful mission.
As I write this post I am not completely convinced that I will publish it. I do, however, need desperately to try and organize my thoughts about the things that happened and what I heard over the weekend.
First of all, 11 women went on this trip from our church of less than 300. I don't really know how many members our church has. Typical adult attendance on Sunday is somewhere just south of 200 on a really good day. I found that spectacular. There would have been several more but there was another fun thing on the same weekend and unfortunately you can't be in two places at once. I don't know that in the 10 year history of the church there has been a women's trip so well attended. So Yay!
The event date we chose was a one day only event. We decided to make 2 days of it because there was a several hour drive to get to the venue. So we set out on friday morning armed with an air-tight itinerary. Our first stop was a couple hours out at a mall for lunch. I include this is my recalling of the story because it's the first place something wonderful happened. We gathered food from our preferred establishments then rendezvoused in the middle of the food court to dine together. Interestingly enough, I chose a food court because I wanted to please as many as I could and figured everyone could go their own way, eat together, not eat together, or whatever. I chose the path of least resistance. What happened was magical. We all sat together to eat and chat. That in itself wasn't really magical but what it led to was. The conversation twisted and turned a bit but ended with us laughing really hard such that attention was drawn from all over the food court. We were even approached by a sweet older woman who teasingly told us to keep it down. I felt like that conversation really set us off on the journey together. The funny knit us together from the beginning and I felt like that was really important because we were a somewhat diverse group and a group that doesn't generally hang out together. I won't describe the rest of that day but it was spectacular and filled with several more golden bonding moments.
I've decided now to split this into more than one post. I'm feeling wordy and feel like I need to break it down. And, I've decided to post my experience and hope not to bore you to death. (All 2 of you who read this)
Monday, July 16, 2012
"Oh My Goodness, Oh My Goodness!!!"
This afternoon I talked to my favorite gymnastics coach EVER.
For years I've been searching for my gymnastics coach. When I survey my life and identify people that made a big difference in my life, she is on that list. I loved her so much. I lost track of her though.
Every couple years I earnestly search again. Yesterday I popped open Facebook, typed in her name, and there she was!!!!! I could hardly believe my eyes.
Earlier today she messaged me her number. So this afternoon we actually spoke on the phone. I'm on cloud 9.
You can say what you want about Facebook. Today, though, I'm in love. Without that particular social pile I still wouldn't have talked to someone who I've been missing.
I've heard the expression before that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or for a lifetime. The trouble I have with that statement is this: Sometimes people that are there for a reason or a season make lifetime impressions on us. When that impression is a positive one I hate that contact isn't ongoing.
I've said all along that I wish that I could just have my own island. The inhabitants of the island would be there by invitation only. Anna would ABSOLUTELY be there.
For years I've been searching for my gymnastics coach. When I survey my life and identify people that made a big difference in my life, she is on that list. I loved her so much. I lost track of her though.
Every couple years I earnestly search again. Yesterday I popped open Facebook, typed in her name, and there she was!!!!! I could hardly believe my eyes.
Earlier today she messaged me her number. So this afternoon we actually spoke on the phone. I'm on cloud 9.
You can say what you want about Facebook. Today, though, I'm in love. Without that particular social pile I still wouldn't have talked to someone who I've been missing.
I've heard the expression before that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or for a lifetime. The trouble I have with that statement is this: Sometimes people that are there for a reason or a season make lifetime impressions on us. When that impression is a positive one I hate that contact isn't ongoing.
I've said all along that I wish that I could just have my own island. The inhabitants of the island would be there by invitation only. Anna would ABSOLUTELY be there.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
On Being Emotionally Bloody
Ick!!! The thing I hate most in the world is being hurt by people I love.
Why must relationships be so slippery?
This morning I got stabbed in the heart by someone I love. They have NO IDEA they hurt me at all. So here I sit....emotionally bloody.
I realize that over analyzing anything can be dangerous. I just can't help myself. Moreover, I can't tell a soul what actually happened, not even the bloggiverse. I don't want to hear the echoing I-told-you-so's.
That stinks!
Why must relationships be so slippery?
This morning I got stabbed in the heart by someone I love. They have NO IDEA they hurt me at all. So here I sit....emotionally bloody.
I realize that over analyzing anything can be dangerous. I just can't help myself. Moreover, I can't tell a soul what actually happened, not even the bloggiverse. I don't want to hear the echoing I-told-you-so's.
That stinks!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
On Feeling Loved
I was thinking today....imagine that.....time to sit and think. Sundays often afford me that luxury. Anyway, I was thinking about a movie I saw recently. The actress does something in the movie that touches me every time I see the movie *one of my favorites*. That thought spun into me thinking about many people who are special to me.
I was considering what it is for me that shows me I'm loved by others. I'm not necessarily talking about love languages. I was thinking more about what attributes communicate non-verbally what I need to hear from people. I think the reason that scene in the movie gets to me is because it's exactly what I want from people.
Many years ago I was living with a family who loved on me and made me a part of them. One day I was playing with my little sisters. We had made chicken wings, beaks, and birdie feet to wear whilst performing our favorite song "The Chicken Dance". I took a picture of the two cute little girls doing the chicken dance. It's one of my favorite pictures for a couple of reasons. One reason is because those two girls are and have always been special to me and I love them dearly. The other reason is because in the background their mother is sitting on the couch looking at the scene smiling. The look in her eyes touches me every time I see that picture.
The movie I'm talking about is The Blind Side. There is a scene in the movie where Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock) goes looking for Michael. When she finds him she gets out of the car. The look in her eyes says SO MUCH. The best way I can decribe it is a gaze that you feel in your heart. It's the same look that the girl's mom has in the picture I referenced before.
I want to see in a person's eyes that they mean me no harm. I want to see on their face that I'm special in their book. I want them to look at me with a gaze that I can feel in my heart. I can honestly say that I'm fortunate enough to have people in my life that I feel give me that. It was a very warm-fuzzy realization.
The next thought I had was how COOL it will be for Jesus to look at me like that. As if simply being with Him wouldn't be enough to level me.... I'll melt a million ways. That's a really warm-fuzzy thought.
I'll end with this thought. If I'm to be the Jesus others see then I want want to look at people like that. I want them to see His love in my eyes. I laugh because I'm not known for having a pleasant look on my face. What I do know, however, is that I'm a work in progress.
I was considering what it is for me that shows me I'm loved by others. I'm not necessarily talking about love languages. I was thinking more about what attributes communicate non-verbally what I need to hear from people. I think the reason that scene in the movie gets to me is because it's exactly what I want from people.
Many years ago I was living with a family who loved on me and made me a part of them. One day I was playing with my little sisters. We had made chicken wings, beaks, and birdie feet to wear whilst performing our favorite song "The Chicken Dance". I took a picture of the two cute little girls doing the chicken dance. It's one of my favorite pictures for a couple of reasons. One reason is because those two girls are and have always been special to me and I love them dearly. The other reason is because in the background their mother is sitting on the couch looking at the scene smiling. The look in her eyes touches me every time I see that picture.
The movie I'm talking about is The Blind Side. There is a scene in the movie where Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock) goes looking for Michael. When she finds him she gets out of the car. The look in her eyes says SO MUCH. The best way I can decribe it is a gaze that you feel in your heart. It's the same look that the girl's mom has in the picture I referenced before.
I want to see in a person's eyes that they mean me no harm. I want to see on their face that I'm special in their book. I want them to look at me with a gaze that I can feel in my heart. I can honestly say that I'm fortunate enough to have people in my life that I feel give me that. It was a very warm-fuzzy realization.
The next thought I had was how COOL it will be for Jesus to look at me like that. As if simply being with Him wouldn't be enough to level me.... I'll melt a million ways. That's a really warm-fuzzy thought.
I'll end with this thought. If I'm to be the Jesus others see then I want want to look at people like that. I want them to see His love in my eyes. I laugh because I'm not known for having a pleasant look on my face. What I do know, however, is that I'm a work in progress.
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